SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH: CHOOSING TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR ABUSER
There may come a time when you want to speak your truth to those who abused you as a child. Disclosing the abuse with friends and loved ones may not satisfy the righteous indignation you feel even after working through the steps of recovery. There may be any number of reasons why you want to confront your abuser: to express your outrage, to demand an apology, to tell them how much they hurt you, to expose the family secret or just to hold them accountable. The desire to communicate or confront one’s abuser, while understandable, is certainly not necessary to complete your recovery.
Some survivors disclose the abuse to their families because they need help to pay for the costs of an extended therapy. Others simply hope the abusers will acknowledge what they did. You may feel that confronting your family may serve some therapeutic goal. Finally, as many survivors have discovered, you may not have been the only one abused in your family. A more public disclosure may be the only way you can intervene to protect a younger sibling from being abused.
Realistically speaking, the idea of speaking to your abuser, whether it was a parent, sibling, or someone outside the family, is a controversial one and deserves careful consideration. This is a personal decision and many survivors feel strongly that it must be done. But if you decide that you want to do this, you need to do it the right way to maximize the benefits that may come from it. At the same time, your personal safety always must be considered --and guaranteed. Any plan to speak to your abuser must be carefully thought out, considered and vetted for unexpected consequences. The key questions you might ask yourself are: What is your motivation for speaking to your abuser? Is this the right time to take on this challenge? Do you feel strong enough emotionally to face your abuser? Are you prepared for ANY response or consequence as a result of taking this action? Do you have the support of your therapist, loved ones and friends to make this happen?”
If you were abused by someone outside your family, the issue of confrontation is very different than when the abuse occurred within your immediate or extended family. The abuser may no longer be available to you and will likely have far less motivation to hear you out. Confronting such an offender poses particular dangers, and in most cases, offers less chance for a positive outcome. If you are steadfast in your desire to confront a non-familial offender, it may be best to focus your energies on reporting him or her to the county child protective services agency where he or she resides, or consult an attorney about the possibility of filing a civil lawsuit. The statute of limitations for child abuse cases is being challenged in the courts right now, and each state has different term limits. If you happen to know that your offender is still in contact with children, making a report to the child protection authorities in the county where he resides is the best immediate action to take because it may protect other children from being abused. Because intra-familial abuse is more common and the opportunity to communicate is more available, this chapter will focus on speaking your truth to your parents or family.
Since child abuse has so much to do with power and control, and survivors generally have a hard time with self-esteem and self-protection, the idea of talking to your abuser makes sense if it can rectify, symbolically at least, the imbalances of the past. Disclosing the abuse to your family can be one of the most meaningful experiences a survivor can have or it can be one of the most disappointing. If the abuser was a parent, you may not have given up on mending the rift that the abuse created in the hope of fashioning some kind of reconciliation. Using your adult faculties, you can organize the facts about the abuse and request some kind of accountability that was never possible when you were a child. If the abuser accepts responsibility and apologizes for what he or she did, the survivor may feel validated, if not vindicated. With a successful discussion, a different relationship with your family might be achieved. For some, the hope is that it could become a turning point in your family relations.
If you decide that it would be beneficial to contact your abuser, the next question concerns the mechanics of the confrontation—the timing, the planning, the strategy, the various methods available, and the likely outcomes. The options available on addressing your abuse with your parents or family are both varied and personal. The most extreme type of confrontation involves suing your parents for emotional damage incurred during your childhood. This option was more frequent in the past but experience has shown this is complicated, fraught with unintended consequences and likely to provoke strong counter reactions from those being sued. Fortunately, there are less extreme measures you might also consider. At the other end of the spectrum, many survivors take a more personal approach and seek to contact the abuser via letter-writing or on the telephone or in planned family meetings with or without the presence of a therapist.
Whatever you decide, you will need to be prepared for any possible reaction from your family. What you don't want under any circumstances is to have the conversation be a replay of your abuse. In simple terms, if the potential benefits of the meeting do not clearly outweigh the possible drawbacks, then you must seriously ask yourself why you are doing it. Consider the issues and dilemmas highlighted in this chapter before going ahead with a plan to initiate such a discussion your parents.
POTENTIAL TRAPS AND PITFALLS
The biggest risk in undertaking either a live or indirect communication is that the abuser's response will undermine your own recovery. Usually this happens when the timing of the confrontation is premature— when you are not fully prepared for all possible reactions. Many abusive families will still be in denial about what was done and their disavowals about the abuse could shatter your own newly formed understanding of the past. In this way, the discussion may become another repetition of your parents' invalidation of your experience. This would be truly tragic after all the work you have done to reconstruct the past and to build an understanding of yourself and how the abuse affected you.
There are some situations where initiating a communication may actually be a dangerous idea. Families that have the potential for violence or retaliation may be better off left alone. Those abusers with certain personality disorders are emotionally incapable of taking responsibility for their past actions and will resort to their old methods of blaming the victim, manipulating others to support them, or when totally desperate, behaving abusively once again. Clearly, anything that could put you or someone else in physical or psychological danger is not a good idea. In some cases, survivors have felt a renewed sense of guilt and responsibility for the abuse when these discussions go poorly. If you are not truly solid in your recovery, this can trigger the old self-destructive behaviors and feelings.
In families with aged or ill parents, initiating a discussion with them could trigger a medical crisis or precipitate the breakup of the family. While you need not take responsibility for other peoples' problems, it is important that you consider whether you could emotionally handle such a negative outcome. Although you are in recovery, the old shame and self-blaming dies hard, especially when it comes to dealing with your family.
SEVERING CONTACT WITH YOUR FAMILY ALSO SENDS A MESSAGE
The theme of separations—temporary or permanent—from your family also has a place in the recovery process and sends a message that you feel that something is wrong. Consequently during the first two stages of recovery when you are developing your own thinking about the abuse and forging your new sense of self, it may help to restrict, and in some instances, temporarily sever contact with parents or family members who may impede your recovery. Many survivors go through a period when being on their own outside their family's range of influence has helped them to see things more clearly without the old pressures to perceive and distort reality in ways that favor your parents—and disfavor you. Separating from your family often triggers a request for an explanation—and may set the stage for a future discussion at some point. If your parents or family have not significantly changed in their attitude toward you, then what was true during childhood may still prevail now in adulthood.
I felt like I had to pull back from my mother for a number of reasons. First of all, she is still an active alcoholic and I am a recovering alcoholic. Being around people who are drinking alcoholically is just not good for me and my mother is no exception. Second, whenever I am with her, she has a way of making me feel that directly or indirectly I'm responsible for taking care of her needs. This was the trap that I was in as her son, and even though I can see it now, I am still susceptible to feeling guilty for not being responsible for her. She also treats me in a way that I am made to feel more important than I should be. This goes right back to the incest—it's not wholesome and it's inappropriate. Not being in direct contact with her over the past few years has set a safe boundary for me that has given me strength to discover who I am as a person—separate from her.
•
Using separations not only allows you to protect yourself from your parents' influence but also gives you more power and control in deeding with them. If they do something that continues the hurtful pattern of the past, then staying in contact with them can undermine your recovery. Separations can be a powerful message to parents, which say, in effect "There are some minimum conditions for our contact. If you do not wish to honor these then that tells me that it is healthier for me to be apart from you." As you have learned only too well, actions speak louder than words in abusive families. If your family still will not listen to you, you may need to communicate in a way they can understand.
Separations should be accompanied with a message explaining why you are withdrawing from them and what needs to change in order for you to resume contact. For some survivors these conditions may rest on being able to talk about what needs to change. As you go through recovery, these needs may change as you get stronger and more confident in how you feel and who you are as a person. Consequently there may be less of a need for a total "no-contact rule" as your communications with your family move toward more understanding and acceptance.
FEELING GUILTY FOR TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
One way the effects of abuse can still undermine your needs during the course of recovery is to feel guilty for doing what you need to protect yourself. Since your needs were not typically considered in your family, it is a major step forward for you to put yourself first for once. Your family may revert to their old attitudes that the parents’ needs should come first and may attempt to instill guilt in you. Remember that you have every right to speak your mind and ask others to join in challenging the unhealthy family patterns. If they don't want to participate in a family meeting where the abuse will be discussed, that is their choice. But you too have rights and one of your basic rights is to talk about what happened in the past in a way that will help you heal. If the guilt and shame resurfaces, discuss it with your therapist.
USING THERAPISTS TO TROUBLESHOOT MOTIVATIONS
One of the best ways to protect yourself from making a bad decision about communicating with your therapist is to thoroughly explore all the issues with your therapist. Some therapists discourage such confrontations because it may take the focus away from resolving the conflicts within yourself. However, among therapists who specialize in working with adult survivors, there is an appreciation of the possible benefits when the timing and planning are carefully thought out. Remember that it is always your decision if and how you want to do this. But it can never hurt to listen to a trained professional's point of view, especially if there is a chance it might not be in your best interests.
Therapists may be more helpful in understanding what is best for you than members of your support group because the therapist's only goal is to help you recover from the effects of the abuse. Fellow survivors have their own biases of course and may be looking to justify their own decision on the matter. One the other hand, some self-help groups that focus on addictions routinely push forgiveness even before you fully explore your feelings about the abuse. Their ideology may not take into account your personal needs and situation and may fail to understand the complex issues that recovery from child abuse evokes.
How can you use your therapy to sort out what is best for you? For starters, review the following Journal Questions to explore any thoughts, feelings, motivations, and apprehensions about undertaking such a confrontation. Let the questions stimulate other questions and concerns. How have you felt when you disclosed the abuse to someone you trust? What feelings did you recognize in anticipation of their response? How do you think you might feel when confronting your parents? You will need to be aware of how your family typically deals with conflict. Are they likely to get violent? Or do they passively withdraw from each other? Is their denial still incredibly strong or will they be more likely to listen and then avoid the subject in the future?
You will also need to have resolved many of the feelings left over from the abuse. The rage and helplessness that so many survivors feel during the early stages of recovery will have to be resolved before you will be able to face your parents with calm but forceful determination. You will need to have resolved the feelings of personal responsibility for what your parents did as well as your feelings of guilt and shame that may still have an impact on you. Any misgivings about what you did to cope or about having a sense of complicity, including your guilt about feeling pleasure (in the case of sexual abuse) or acknowledging other gratifying aspects of the abuse, will need to be worked through. Finally, initiating a discussion is seen as a Stage Three topic where you have acquired sufficient self-esteem and psychological defenses to protect you from virtually any reaction your parents might have. Unreasonable expectations will need to be challenged in terms of how your parents will likely respond. In short, there is much work that needs to be accomplished before initiating such an action.
Journal Questions
1. What past attempts, if any, have you made to address the abuse with your family, and how did they turn out?
2. Who in your family do you think will be the most open to hearing what you have to say?
3. Do you suspect that anyone else in your family might have been abused? If so, what reaction would you expect them to have if you asked them about it directly?
4. What are your reasons and motivations for confronting your family with the abuse?
5. What do you hope to get out of it?
6. How do you want your abuser to react to you?
7. Based on what you know about your parent or abuser, how would you expect this person to react to your confrontation?
8. What specific outcome, if any, would make you regret your decision to confront your abuser?
9. In what type of situation do you imagine confronting your parents or abusers?
10. Have you thoroughly discussed the idea with a friend, therapist, sponsor, or other family member and prepared for any and all possible family reactions?
STRATEGIES FOR COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR PARENTS
Basically there are two ways to proceed. The first way is through indirect communication which requires no face-to-face contact with your abuser and is limited to phone calls, letters, emails and/or video or audiotaped messages. This indirect strategy will provide you with some controls over the contact and protect you from possible negative responses or retaliation. Sometimes, the indirect method can be the first step in the discussion process prior to the direct method, which calls for face-to-face encounters with the abuser.
INDIRECT COMMUNICATIONS
Pete's experience in confronting his mother through letters about the incest illustrates many of the issues, considerations, and strategies, previously discussed. Pete's story also underscores the limitations that exist when dealing with a parent who has a long-standing drinking problem or who is still in denial over her role in the abuse. His story points out how much time it may take to allow a complete unfolding of issues and reactions. Like many survivors, Pete felt it necessary to temporarily sever contact with this mother because it was undermining his work in therapy. In Pete's case, the separation spanned several years during which time he went through the early stages of recovery before initiating limited contact through letters. As his letters will show, he and his mother embarked on a process characterized by anger, confrontation, denial, distortion, acknowledgment, and finally, a degree of resolution. Pete's letters are included here in their entirety. For privacy reasons, his mother's return letters have been paraphrased to give a sense of her reactions to his charges as well as the nature of their relationship.
Mom,
I've started this letter many times in my head. The fact is until just now, I've been too scared to confront the issue about which I'm writing you. I want to preface this by saying that I've been in therapy for about four years dealing with the incest that happened between you and me. This letter is about the incest between us and what happened to me as a result.
I sought out professional help after my stay in the alcohol recovery program because I was in pain and was having self-destructive thoughts that were driving me crazy. Very slowly in therapy, I realized the obvious connection between the pain I was experiencing and our relationship when I was growing up. Just admitting and beginning to talk with another human being about the incest was very difficult. I slowly began to unravel the guilt and shame and self-hate and feeling of being evil and perverted and responsible for what went on between us.
As a result of my therapy, I now understand that as a 13-14-15- year-old boy, it wasn't my fault that sexual contact happened with you. You, as an adult and as my mother, had the responsibility to make sure what happened wouldn't happen. But it did. I really didn't accept this for a long while. I wanted to, but I wouldn't let myself. I thought special circumstances made me responsible. It was not until about one and a half years ago that I began to really believe that maybe I wasn't as sick and evil as I felt. As that shift in my thinking happened, all the self-hate and guilt turned into rage and a deep, deep hurt. Since I began feeling this rage, I haven't wanted to speak with you. In fact, I have had a lot of anger at you for a long time, but I didn't know it. I had turned it on myself because I dared not be angry at you. I felt disloyal and guilty to feel anger and rage toward you.
Over the last year in therapy I've begun to accept that it is OK to be angry at you in light of all the circumstances of our relationship. In addition to incest I've come to see you were violent and physically abusive and took out your rage on me. I was terrified of you. You hurt me physically and emotionally with your rage. I've come to see that what I thought was normal discipline was not normal at all. Getting kicked in the rectum with a pointed shoe isn't appropriate. Having welts and bruises from whippings isn't healthy discipline. This is what you did to me.
I've come to see that our relationship was sick in many ways and that you were never able to accept me for who I was. You never respected my boundaries even as a young child and insisted that I be your "little man" or your personal possession and your refuge from the realities of your life. When I entered puberty, the stage was set. I was vulnerable to biological changes—hormones—that are part of puberty. Exposed to you in baby dolls pajamas or bra and panties was not appropriate. Because I was having sexual fantasies, this was another reason to indict and convict myself as sick. In fact there were intense sexual urges and fantasies as a result of our relationship. It was eventually played out with my inviting you to masturbate me which you willingly performed. I thought that it was totally my fault and that I was a pervert. I now understand that our relationship was probably seductive from the very beginning, although it was couched in mother/child closeness. The fact that you masturbated me and that it felt good has haunted me so terribly I can't tell you. I denied it ever happened for years until it came up in therapy. The incest created conflicts in me that have negatively controlled me—my self-esteem, my personhood, and my manhood. Those conflicts have created obstacles to healthy relationships of all kinds, particularly with women where intimacy, trust, and love are supposed to be natural and wholesome. With other people, I'm always ready to feel bad and wrong at every turn and to feel like I have to protect myself. I don't let much affection in.
I felt like I betrayed Dad—I ripped him off at a very deep level to have sexual contact with his wife. I also knew that mothers and sons do not engage in sexual activity normally and I felt ashamed and guilty and hateful of my sexuality and my sexual urges. I came to hate and despise myself completely on so many different levels.
When you asked me that Sunday morning if I came inside you because you couldn't remember and your period was late, I was totally mortified and repulsed—by your questions, by what was happening, and by myself. Unconsciously at that time, I vowed to stop it and I did. From that time on, for you to touch me in any way or to be affectionate became a reminder of a violation of morals so deep inside me that it made me sick. In a way from that time on, I wouldn't accept you as my mother. I have no word better than evil to describe the intensity of hate for myself that was created.
I am investing all that I am in becoming healthy and able to live in a sober and sane way. This issue has got to be confronted directly by me to you as a part of growing and healing the conflicts. I have made a firm decision that I'm not willing to have any kind of relationship with you in light of the facts I've discussed and your continuing choice to not accept recovery.
If there is any chance of reconciliation, it has to start with the truth and as long as you are in denial, being in touch with you is a setup for me to be hurt, angry, frustrated, and depressed. You see, for me to continue that setup is sick. It is a sickness like alcoholism is a sickness. It is the sickness that arises from growing up in an alcoholic home. Believing that if you weren't happy then I had to suffer as well is really sick. In spite of the distance between us, I felt so guilty and responsible for your unhappiness that I felt I must either destroy myself or just suffer an unfulfilling life. This was the unconscious script I've been playing for most of my adult life, until now.
I've had to make a choice. I've made the choice to recover from the untruths that have operated in me. I want to be a nurturing, sober, and sane parent. The facts are that I may repeat the same parenting I deceived unless I continue my own self-vigilance against these tendencies. It is not that I am blind to your emotions and your well-being or insensitive to you that motivates me to write this. Your reaction to this letter is your responsibility, not mine. Although a part of me feels mean and uncaring for confronting you with this, I now recognize that I must do this out of love for myself. I also believe it would be good for you to confront these things in yourself. Regardless of your reaction, I know this had to be written for me to heal. In the deepest way I hope this is a springboard for healing not just for me but our relationship. But I know that whatever your reaction may be, I will be OK and able to deal with it. I'm getting help, support, and love to see me through this.
I am going to conclude now.
Sincerely,
Pete
•
Pete's mother responded three weeks later by discounting his experience while justifying her refusal to directly address what happened between them. On the surface, the tone of her letter seemed motherly and somewhat revelatory, but between the lines, the implicit message revealed the pathos of their relationship. She began by thanking him for the letter while initially admitting that she was shocked and stunned by its contents. She wrote that before addressing his allegations directly, she was glad to know that he was still alive and well and hoped that he and his family had had a nice Thanksgiving holiday. This comment was an apparent reference to the lack of contact over the previous year and a half. She used the message of the Thanksgiving spirit to acknowledge how much they both have to be thankful for despite the little bumps along the road of life—an oblique criticism of the purpose of Pete's letter.
Abruptly abandoning this stoic tone, she then admitted that she often felt like life was a living hell, something so bad that she need not fear whatever hell may come later. Then, in a manner further reinforcing her self-sacrifice, she inquired about the various gifts she had sent over the past year and admonished Pete for not having acknowledged receiving them, however small they might be, while wistfully adding that he had once been so good about writing thank-you notes.
What came next was essentially a global apology for all of the physical and emotional hurt which Pete "claimed" to have been a victim of. In the same sentence she asked that he find it within himself to forgive her. She stated that she refused to be judged for her past, for that is the responsibility of her Heavenly Father. She asked him to not take these comments as an excuse or cop-out, although she appeared to be doing just that. Then she embarked on a lengthy explanation of her immaturity as a young mother and the difficulty in raising a child without the full love and support of her husband. Like any mother, she described with pride how cute Pete was as a child and how important it was for her that she give him the very best. She revealed her massive disappointment with her marriage and indicated how Pete was the only bright spot in an otherwise dreary life. The theme of substituting her male child for her husband was heavily implied here.
She described about how much she had changed in the last year and a half with the help of AA but did not talk at all about her own problems with alcohol. Rather, she distorted some of the AA philosophy to justify her refusal to be manipulated or made to feel guilty by others. While she avoided mentioning people directly, the unavoidable implication was that Pete and his allegations of sexual abuse are the culprit here.
In closing, she continued the strategy of appearing motherly and supportive of Pete and stated that she was happy that his therapy was working, but again discounted his need of professional help by implying that it might not be necessary. She asserted that his horrible feelings were his problem, not hers. She gave a full apology for the rambling tone of her letter and acknowledged that she could not compete with his eloquent style, reinforcing her self-image of the poor, unfortunate mother. She reiterated once again how much she loved him and then in what may be her closest admission of guilt for what she did, wrote that whatever she did was done out of motherly love. Her final sentence asked him for a reconciliation, but in a challenging tone asserted that it must be a two-way street
Dear "Mom,"
What I have to say in response to your letter isn't pretty and it isn't "nice" but what I feel inside is the truth. I'm sick with rage and hurt from your letter. Let me start with the worst.
What you did out of "motherly love" was not only immoral it was illegal. Your sense of motherly love which alluded to the incest is the crux of the reason why I'm livid and feel so betrayed. Do you have any idea of what was and is wrong with our relationship? The fact that it was unwholesome and possessive and controlling and selfish and immoral is what you call "motherly love"? That's sick and it almost cost me my sanity. And today I'm so full of anger at you that it makes me sick. And you persist with the illusion that it was, you thought, "out of motherly love"?
Your apology means nothing to me because you invalidated my perceptions with two words—"you claim"—implying that you don't accept the responsibility of your actions in the same sentence that you are apologizing for them. Do you think I'm an idiot and don't notice that disclaimer? I don't feel in my heart and mind to forgive you in any way on the basis of your qualified apology. It's not good enough. It's the same old game. To let yourself off the hook and placate me into forgiving and forgetting. Sorry!
Do you know what it did to me as a male and as a young man for you to constantly criticize and belittle my father in your drunken stupors? It killed me that's what it did. It hurt me so deeply. It hurt my sense of myself so deeply. I just can't tell you the agony it caused. You don't know how close I came to just flooring you when you were drunk and insane because of your rage. It took everything inside me not to do that. I grabbed your arms instead one time and then you pleaded in your self-pitying way. How could I do such a thing you asked? You provoked it with your insane, drunken, and seductive behavior, that's how.
Onward. What you gave to me in material possessions, especially when I was a little boy, you gave to make me something for your pleasure—in your words "my very own precious little doll." I was a little person. I don't think you were ever willing to let me be a little person or a big person without your hand of control and possession and manipulation.
You spoke in your letter of no more being manipulated and used, etc. While that may be important maybe you ought to think about your own using and manipulating of other people—specifically me when I couldn't see what you were doing to me. I don't know where you get off about AA teaching you to be selfish. Try page 62 in The Big Book.
"Selfishness—self-centeredness!—that we think is the root of our troubles." Are you an exception? I'm sure in some ways learning to say "No" is important. I don't mean to invalidate that. But you’re saying that AA is teaching me to be selfish—I don't think I can accept that. Sorry. Quite frankly, I don't trust you or anything you say until you recover from your alcoholism. Your legacy of lying is so long that you must think I'm stupid. You are only fooling yourself. I can't be duped or fooled or manipulated anymore and when you try I'm going to point it out.
Finally, as I said before, reconciliation has to start with the truth and as long as you are in denial, I find your version of the truth lacking in responsibility, honesty, and remorse. So if we are going to communicate it has to begin with the truth. What else can I say?
I close this hoping you will hear what I'm saying and respect my hurt and rage and respond with the truth.
For now,
Pete
Pete's mother responded approximately two months later in a brief letter. She admitted that what had transpired between them had caused both of them extreme emotional distress, but again refused to comment directly on the sexual abuse, instead offering to pray for him that he would not continue to immerse himself in the painful past. She strongly encouraged him to bury his negative thoughts so that he could go forward. Once again she invoked the name of God to describe how rich his life was now that he was blessed with a wife and a child and implored him to be a caring and loyal husband and father, the implication being that his current focus on the past could only get in the way of that pursuit. She signed off with another offer to pray to God that he continue to enjoy good health—the most important asset anyone can have.
"Mom,"
As I wrote you before, trying to bury the past almost cost me my sanity. If there is one thing I'm sure of it's that I'm no longer willing to bury the past including the bitterness, resentments, hurt, etc. In order to go forward I am looking at the past honestly and with the guidance of professional help.
You obviously are not able to deal with the reality of the past now. If that's where you are, I can't force you. However, we can have virtually no relationship as long as the past isn't addressed. You didn't respond in your letter to any of what I know to be important for my mental, emotional, and physical health, which as you say, are the greatest of gifts.
Incest buried is often repeated, or ends up as insanity or chronic alcoholism. You see, I'm trying to live sober and sane and not repeat incest with my children so it's not going to be buried by me. If you want to bury it then we can have no reconciliations from my point of view. If we are to reconcile you will have to see your responsibility and own up to it without disclaimers and qualifications or blame or rationalizations.
That's all for now.
Pete
Pete's mother's next letter arrived about two weeks later and graphically illustrates the dark side of her personality that emerged when under the influence of alcohol. Right from the opening sentence, she unleashed a torrent of verbal abuse, describing his mental state as "debilitated" due to the influence of professional help and affecting a sarcastic wonderment at how perfect he could turn out considering how horrible she was supposed to have been to him. What followed was a succession of negatively descriptive adjectives that carried on for several lines and provided further proof of the inebriated state she was in while she wrote the letter. Some of the adjectives were taken from Pete's letters while many were of her own making, perhaps indicating how badly she felt about herself deep down inside, but was unable to acknowledge while sober. Her intent, it appeared, was to take Pete's charges to the extreme thereby undermining their credibility. She then threatened him with future legal action by stating that his letters were now in the hands of her attorney. She continued to take the offensive by denying ever kicking him in the rectum with pointy-toed shoes, but adding that if she had, she only wished she had kicked the "holy shit" out of him. Finally, she did address a specific point Pete made in a previous letter concerning the emotional demands she had made of him in return for her love. She denied ever asking him for anything and then in a confused manner justified this position by pointing out how mothers lose their sons when they marry, seeming to imply that she held his marriage accountable for his current anger at her. She then challenged him to stop wallowing in his own pain for the sake of his daughter.
Suddenly, she switched gears, focusing on the rapidly deteriorating health of her father, Pete's grandfather, blaming Pete and his father's family for never caring about her father, as indicated by the lack of cards or flowers in his room. Besides the alcohol, her distress over the impending loss of her father seemed to be fueling this written tirade as she described how wonderful he was and how uncaring everyone else was. She employed the famous line spoken by Clark Gable in Gone With the Wind to describe her lack of feelings about ever seeing or talking to Pete or his wife again, while jabbing them for their self-righteous perfection. The letter ended with a post-script informing Pete he would never receive her house upon her death as she contended he had mentioned to her once. Then, she referred to the enclosed picture of Pete's doctor who treated him for a fractured skull when he was young. Wistfully, she reminisced about almost losing Pete as a child only to finally lose him when he got married.
Two days later, Pete received a brief note from her that showed a complete reversal in tone and intent from the previous one. She immediately apologized for the last letter as well as for all transgressions of the past and any that might come in the future. Again, the credibility of her apology was undercut by the absence of any real indication that she might change. One is left with the impression that she was either implying that such past transgressions will be on the same par as those she may unwittingly commit in the future, or that she was simply incapable of controlling herself and her actions and was asking for additional understanding. At the same time, in giving a reason for her apology that no two wrongs make a right, she again implied that Pete was wrong for bringing up the incest.
Another reason for her letter, she stated, was her distress over her father's condition that continued to worsen. In closing, she said that the world as well as their lives was filled with too much pain and anguish and that she did not need to contribute more of that. The implication again was to challenge Pete to call a truce to this upsetting matter so that they could both go forward with their lives. While conciliatory in tone, she continued to be unwilling to address the specifics of the incest while in a more subtle way attempting to nudge Pete in the direction of forgiving and forgetting, the latter being her primary mode of psychological defense.
"Mom,"
I want to respond to your last two letters. When I read the first letter—the one that begins "It's always exciting ...", I was absolutely horrified and shocked. It took me a few days to sort out all my feelings. I was and still am so deeply hurt that you said the things you did. I was also terrified and angered. I need to go through it here because it was absolutely vicious and evil and untrue.
I obviously did not turn out so completely perfect, and I recognize that jab as way of lashing out at me for bringing up to you the painful facts. If you really believe that what I've written to you are "libelous accusations," it just points out your denial as far as I'm concerned. It further breaches my trust in your view of reality.
Your comments about kicking me in the rectum and your statement that you're sorry you didn't kick the holy shit out of me really horrified me. It made me cry that my "mother" wrote that. Let me tell you that you did kick "the holy shit" out of me and it was at an age well before alcohol and drugs were a part of my life. In fact the rage in your letter was just like the rage you had when I was a child. But it was more than that. Sometimes it was just the look in your eyes of absolute vicious rage. It terrified me and left me so lost and alone and confused about whether you were justified to treat me this way. It was very harmful to me. As for your statement that you never asked anything of me—I just hope you don't really believe that. You asked and demanded that I be your possession, that I be as you saw fit. You eventually asked that I be an emotional support for you, rather than you an emotional support for me as a mother should be for her child. As well, you asked that I be your "man" emotionally and sexually.
Regarding your implication that I am confronting you because I now have a wife and no longer need a mother—this is totally untrue and discounts the fact that I have been in therapy for the incest for over four and a half years. My being able to confront you has been the result of me getting well and strong enough to separate your version of reality, as this letter points out, from what I'm finding out is reality. I lost you long before I realized it, I assure you. It's interesting that you equate your role in my life with that of a wife in the first place.
Further, as you state that we don't give a damn about your father— "a tinker's damn." Well, in fact I am sorry that he is so sick and I was truly remiss in not sending a card. I had spoken to your aunt and knew that he probably wouldn't know the difference, but I should have sent a card anyway.
Finally, as you created this idea about getting your house when you died, I just have a news flash back to you—if I so wanted your house, do you think I'd be so stupid as to risk it confronting you? Don't you think I would choose to keep the peace with you and stay sick and suicidal and depressed, if I really wanted your house? This is more of the emotional blackmail that you did to me as a kid. The part that really hurts is the understanding that if that's your game now, then it was obviously your game of control when I was young and vulnerable and really needing to trust you. I got something very different.
Now regarding your second letter that just arrived. I was shocked to read your apology in what seemed to me a sincere way. I was both moved by your sincerity and at the same time, because of your first letter, I was too hurt to ever want to give you a chance to apologize. I know that is what I have asked of you to begin reconciliation, yet I felt untrusting and unsure of it. I want to believe that you are sincere. The dichotomy of your letters was hard to reconcile because of the sharp change in their tone and point of view. In fact I have now realized that it is just that dichotomy in your response to me that was so hard for me when I was young. For you to go from insane rage back to normal left me just as I am feeling today—confused, unsure, untrusting, and seduced and wanting to see and believe there would be no more violence in your personality. I never knew which part of you to believe, and perhaps, I still don't. I want to trust your second letter and use it to convince me that you never wrote the first letter. But that is what I did as a kid and that was unhealthy!!! But just as it happened over and over when I was young, I have to recognize that you did write the first letter and that is a part of you also. What I'm saying is that I appreciate your apology and I temper the opening of my heart with the knowledge that you are both of these parts.
Please understand that if someone you loved and needed and trusted became a different person—violent, raging and terribly frightening—and then back to a trustworthy person again, and this went on, back and forth, it would leave you devastated. That's what I feel happened to me with you.
I thank you for loving me and caring for me when I was very young and Dad was drunk all the time. I know you were also betrayed and hurt by his sickness—quite frankly, I hate his sickness too. But you left me—I don't know exactly when—but I know I couldn't trust who you were going to be from one day to the next and eventually from one morning to that afternoon. That little boy or young man needed stability and security and the protection of consistency—but it began to disappear and as it did, so did my trust—that's why I lost you long ago. I didn't know who you were going to be—sometimes you were great but other times just horrific—just as your letters demonstrate—and I just shut down after a while. I still need the same things from you as I did when I was young for trust to be there between us.
I hope you have a sense of where I come from. I don't know what else to say. I've said plenty I know.
For now,
Pete
Mom,
I am drawn to write to you now.
Our second baby girl was born yesterday morning, and mother and daughter are doing wonderfully. In witnessing the beauty of her birth, I thought of you and how you, like me and now our new daughter, were all so innocent and vulnerable when we were born.
Whatever happened to you and me to contribute to our loss of innocence, I am sorry for and sad about tonight. Just as I wrote you last about being sad for your pain, I am sad about that which contributed to your pain as a child. However it happened, it must have been awful because what was passed onto me was awful. May God help me not to continue to pass on my violence to my children.
The healing for me to not do that requires you to hear and know exactly what my point of view is, and I am not distracted now. So, I am continuing on this road—not to punish you—but to heal myself and pass on my wholeness to the highest gift in life, my children. Tonight that means that I will share how very sad I am because I cannot help but see you as the infant child before me—but without the rage and hurt and disease that has since clouded your life.
To close, I'm not sorry about Grandpa's passing—it was certainly time for him to go. But I am sorry for your pain that I know you must feel. I hope God is with you as the death of your parent must be your most painful loss. I hope that you are well enough to let the pain just be, rather than blot it out with alcohol.
For now,
Pete
P.S. We don't have a name for her yet.
•
This last letter marked a turning point in the feelings expressed by Pete and his mother. Although contact was still limited thereafter, the exchange of letters and phone calls became less acrimonious and more accepting of each other's feelings, limitations, and points of view. Some two years later, when Pete's second child was just a toddler, Pete decided to visit his mother, giving her the chance to meet her two granddaughters for the first time. As described in his story contained in Step 18, this visit gave him a measure of resolution that was built on the indirect confrontation expressed in the series of letters.
FACE-TO-FACE MEETINGS
Initiating a live, face-to-face discussion with your abuser calls for a more thorough preparation than the indirect method and raises many other considerations in terms of personal safety, the expression of strong emotions, and the unpredictable reactions of other family members. In cases where there was widespread sexual abuse involving more than one of the children, the other siblings' reactions may be quite varied, with some preferring to “not rock the boat” and others seeing it as an opportunity for growth. You will need to determine if you want to speak alone with your parent or want other people to be present including therapists, sponsors, or clergy. There are many options available here but recognize that your plans may be limited by what your parents are willing to do. Not all parents who physically or sexually abused their children will want to face what they did or participate in a family meeting where the abuse is openly acknowledged and discussed.
One option is to convene your family meeting without telling the abuser what the focus of the meeting will be beforehand. The element of surprise is often necessary when the abuser's denial is still very strong. This can be the most dramatic intervention available; however, it is also likely to trigger the most extreme reactions: good or bad, and in some cases violent and destructive. For this reason, it is not recommended to undertake this type of confrontation if your family is prone to violent outbursts. Tthis strategy can be experienced by parents as an “ambush” and must be carefully planned and used only in last-ditch efforts to challenge the abuser's denial.
Because direct confrontations are so complex and risky, it is essential that you not attempt one without first working with a therapist to sort out the issues and prepare you for the range of outcomes. Other family members need to be briefed on what will transpire and discussions about how to handle the dialogue with the abuser will be necessary to create a workable plan of action.
The idea for a family intervention came from Beth, my foster sister from the Adventist home that I was in. I was twenty-six and in my first year of therapy when she called one day and asked if she could visit because she had something to discuss. We hadn't been that close when I was in the family because I was four years older so we were in different crowds at school. We had never talked about her father, and as far as I knew, she had no idea that he had molested me. And so I said sure and when she came, we went out for a drive and then just parked for a few hours and talked.
Beth told me angrily that after I'd moved out, her father started molesting her. Now she thought he was starting with her younger sister, Alice, and she wanted to do something to stop him. She said she had been in therapy for the last few years, doing a lot of work around the incest, and we talked about the family and how it screwed us up. It turned out that she always thought there was something funny about her dad and me and that his attention to me had caused her some jealousy when she was around twelve and thirteen.
Then she revealed that she'd been working on setting up a therapy session with her whole family and wanted to know if I would be part of it since I had also been part of the family. She had written to her brothers and told them what he had done to her and asked for their support in getting the secret out in the open. They all agreed, although they weren't necessarily clear about what it would involve. Beth kept the exact details pretty vague with them because she didn't know whether they would tell her parents or not, but she was open with me about what she had worked out with her therapist and the family counseling agency where the session was going to take place. She had wanted to do the intervention ever since she met with some of the church elders and told them about her father molesting her. They advised her to let them handle it within the church. They didn't want any outside therapists involved, and in fact, had discouraged her from seeking therapy or getting outside help. But a year went by and no action was taken by the church. She suspected her father was now molesting Alice, so she decided to arrange a family meeting.
Beth's therapist felt it would be best to do it at the agency with two therapists present because of the tremendous manipulative aspect of her father's personality. It was her therapist's judgment that if Beth confronted him alone, he would turn on her and persuade the whole family and church to turn against her. This is what he has always done—I could see that myself just from living in that house for a few years. He's always twisted things around to his own advantage. I told Beth that I wanted to discuss it with my therapist first and then get back to her.
My therapist and I agreed I could benefit from participating, but that I wasn't going to be taking the lead in dealing with Beth's father— it was her decision and she was going to do the talking. If it felt right for me, I was going to say something, but I guess I felt like I was the foster kid again, not really having as much right to challenge the father because I wasn't really one of them. I guess this feeling of never being a part of a family is still with me. Anyway, I told her that I wanted to be involved to support her and that maybe I would talk if I felt like it, but that I didn't want any pressure to say anything.
The meeting was this real big deal because the agency was prepared for just about any situation that developed. They had video cameras and everything and the other staff observed the session behind one-way mirrors. Beth's therapist was one of two co-therapists, the other being an expert on religious families, someone who could help the father deal with issues of loyalty to the Adventist Church.
First, we had a session in the morning with the therapists, and Beth and me and her brothers and sister—without her parents present. Beth started by telling everyone why we were doing this and asked everyone to say how they were feeling about it. Then she told everyone again what her father had done to her and how it made her feel. Her brothers didn't want to believe it and suggested that Beth was her father's favorite so how could he do something like that. The atmosphere in the room was like a rising tide: Their denial got stronger and I thought it was going to wash away everything that Beth had set up. I decided to tell them what he did to me. This shut them up pretty fast. I told them he started molesting me soon after I was placed in the family and that it developed into intercourse by the time I moved out. There was this long pause when no one said anything and just sat there. Then Alice, who hadn't said anything, just started shaking and then burst out in tears and went to Beth. She and Beth were really crying and then I started to cry a little bit too. I'm not a big crier usually. Fortunately for Alice, it hadn't progressed to the intercourse stage as it had with Beth and me.
Then in the afternoon session with the father and mother and the entire family and me and the two therapists, Beth again told everyone what he did and how it affected her, asking that he respond to what she was saying. He didn't say a lot except that he really loved all of the children and the girls—even me—were really special to him and that he was trying to be the best father that God would allow him to be. But when Beth started confronting him with specific situations and times, he got real uncomfortable and denied he did anything other than love his children, although in a really weak, unconvincing way. He turned to the religious expert and asked how the Lord could help him with this situation and the guy just told him to accept what he had done as another sin that he needs to ask God for repentance for. All the mother said was that she was surprised and hurt if he really did this. She knew that Beth was his favorite daughter and thought they had a good, close relationship but she never suspected or saw anything go on that made her question anything.
Beth looked at me to see if I wanted to say anything. I was real scared, but I felt things were going in our favor after I spoke up in the morning session. So I took a deep breath and told the therapists that I had something to say. At first, I felt choked up like I wasn't going to be able to squeeze the words out. I also felt kind of spacey, and my heart was beating real hard. I just told him that he had molested me and that he had said the same things to me that he said to Beth. Then I told him about the time he took me to a motel on the way back from this church conference and he had intercourse with me there. I gave all these details of the trip so nobody would think I was making it up. As I talked, I started feeling this rage building up inside me and I told him how I really hated him for being such a hypocrite—trying to act so religious and pure and then behind the scenes having sex with kids and now denying it to our face. He got real agitated at this point and said he didn't need to hear this garbage anymore and got up to leave. The therapists both stood up and asked him to sit down because they had something to tell him. He reluctantly sat down and then Beth's therapist told him that they understand that he has also been molesting Alice. He denied that one as well. Beth's therapist told him and the mother that they would have to report it to the authorities and that some decisions would have to be made right now about protecting Alice. The father got really angry again and accused them of setting him up. They agreed that the other therapist and the father would meet in a separate room while the rest of us and the mother continued talking with Beth's therapist.
The therapist just told the mother that either Alice would have to go to a temporary shelter for a few days or that the father would have to move out until everything was settled with the child abuse investigation. This got the mother upset because she really didn't know what to do. Beth's therapist was real good at helping the mother see that it wasn't safe for her child to be around the father, especially with his lying about the abuse. The mother was worried about where he would go and who would pay the bills. The therapist agreed that there were real problems that would have to be solved, but that to go on as before would be sacrificing Alice's welfare. Beth was pretty quiet during this time, and in fact, looked furious at her mother for not going along with what her therapist was saying. Finally Beth reminded her mother that Dad could stay at his sister's for a few weeks until things settle down.
I thought it was productive to get all that out in the open and everything, but it didn't work as well as I'd have liked because neither of the parents really took responsibility for what Beth and I were saying. But the therapists did make an abuse report, which finally brought the county authorities in. The father and the mother were also encouraged to get therapy—individual and group therapy—to get support for what was happening in their family and to learn about how they could make changes for the better. I guess it fell on deaf ears because they never really got any therapy. Fortunately the court put the father on probation and made him attend some groups for a brief period. The problem is that the church basically runs the community and they have stepped in to tell the county people that they will deal with it themselves. I guess the county people backed off and now I don't really know where it's at.
Beth told me she was kind of disappointed with how it turned out except she feels good about protecting her sister since her mother apparently wasn't going to do it. She can talk about it with her brothers, but her father doesn't want to deal with it. Her mother is somewhat supportive, but acts like she doesn't understand what really happened, which is exactly the way she has always been. She certainly hasn't made any move to leave the father.
Beth has kind of pulled back from the family. I guess she feels like she has done what she could and now its up to them. She told me that if she finds out that her dad started molesting her sister again, she would sue the church for letting it happen. As for me, I guess it was helpful to do this. I didn't have very high expectations for anything good happening so I wasn't disappointed. Actually, I felt kind of proud about speaking up and I've felt better about myself since the meeting. My therapist thinks it was real courageous and I think she may even be right!
•
GOING FORWARD
Coming to a decision about what your family may or may not have to offer will allow you to go forward, unencumbered with false hopes or unrealistic expectations. In a sense, it may open the possibilities for the future because at last you know the score from the past.
Family Reconstruction
If the outcome of your confrontation with your family is essentially positive, it may be possible to undertake some reconstructive work with your family or selected family members to forge a new relationship based on respect and trust. Often, if other family members enter their own therapy and resolve their feelings about what happened, there may come a time when they may be open to entering family therapy with the survivor. This can be very productive for you and aid in your healing in ways not possible without your family or parents present. It can also sow the seeds for change throughout the family and offer a major restructuring of how the family functions, how they communicate with each other, and most important, how they treat each other. Working on family issues in family therapy may be the most hopeful sign that a true resolution of the child abuse is possible. For you, the survivor, it may mean finally getting the family that you never had.
Knowing When to Let Go of Your Family
Perhaps more often than not, the opposite scenario is true. The confrontation teaches you something you didn't want to face as a child and still don't want to accept as a survivor—that your parents will never change, their denial will remain in place forever, and their treatment of you will always be emotionally abusive, if no longer physically or sexually abusive. You must realize that you are never going to get what you want from them. It is time to accept their limitations and give up hope for things ever being different. When being with your family is harmful to you, you really only have one choice —to let go of them. It is time to get on with your life.
Several things would have to happen to make me feel like there was some hope for my relationship with my mother. The first step would be for her to give me a real strong indication that she is looking at the past and looking at her life and our relationship in a way that is different—with some openness, honesty, and a willingness to discuss the incest. It would be nice but not necessarily essential if she would admit she was wrong. But it would be essential that she recognize what happened as wrong and unhealthy. That would be a starting point for some kind of rebuilding of our relationship. But I just don't think she is likely to do that. She is in her early sixties now and I'd like to say that all things are possible, but realistically I believe she would have to gain sobriety first, and at this point, that doesn't seem likely. I see people every week in AA meetings who are sober and working the Steps who don't choose to look at their stuff. So, realistically speaking, I'm not holding my breath waiting for my mother to change.
•
Letting go of your family means loosening your emotional and physical ties to them. When you determine that being in touch with your family is not good for you, you can limit your contact with them and restrict their contact with you in such a way as to protect you from being hurt by them. At the extreme, the conditions for contact are nil: You tell them that under no circumstances do you want to have anything to do with them. More commonly, you can partially let go of them without permanently severing all contact with them. Instead of spending holidays with them, you spend the time with people who really care about you. Instead of calling them for support or sharing the joys and hardships of your life, you wait for them to call you, and even then, you are careful to stick to "safe" topics. Instead of sharing your vulnerabilities with them, you give them only the plain facts of your life. In some cases, when they are still openly hostile to you, you don't have to give them anything at all. You can say good-bye to the parents and family that you never had and feel relieved that they can't hurt you anymore.
Getting What You Can from Your Family
Many survivors are not able or do not wish to permanently and completely sever all contact with their parents or family when the chance for maltreatment still exists. What should you do? Look for whatever "positive pieces" your family may be capable of offering and focus your relationship on getting what you can. For example, some parents are able to rise to the occasion when their child is sick. So, when you are sick, this may be the time to give your parents a call and let them know what is happening to you. Maybe this situation will bring out the best in them as it did in the past. The result is that they may help you feel better. Or maybe your family has a history of changing for the better around certain times of the year such as birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, or summer vacations. This might be the time to call them or visit them to catch them at their best. You can be prepared to make a hasty exit when the emotional winds start to shift. The basic premise of this strategy is to be selective in choosing when to contact them, how the contact should be organized, and perhaps who in the family you should contact. You may not get everything you want, but when you have decided that something is better than nothing, this plan may be the best for you.
Forgiveness
Many survivors are confused about if and when to forgive their abuser. As addressed in Step 18, the question of forgiveness is part of your resolution with your family. Organized religions, as well as the various 12-Step self-help groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, directly urge survivors to forgive those who have hurt them in the past. But forgiveness is a personal matter, one that should be decided only by you in consideration of what you feel in your heart. In most cases, people do not forgive someone who has hurt them until the issue has been mostly resolved with the feelings of anger, resentment, and pain greatly reduced.
Considering how severely abused many of you were, you may never get to the point where your pain is sufficiently resolved to forgive your abuser. If your family is still in denial about the abuse or refuses to apologize or accept responsibility for what they did, it is understandable that you may have no desire to forgive them. Forgiveness does imply a higher level of resolution, but it must be sincere, genuine, and a true reflection of your feelings. Remember that self-forgiveness, not forgiveness of your abuser, is your most important goal.
My father and I were never able to talk about his battering me—in his mind, he never hurt me; he denied until his death that the verbal and physical abuse ever damaged me—after all, no bones were broken. But I think I finally understood that he was just as much a victim as I was. He felt trapped just like I did and was facing a lot of the same torments with my mother that I was. I think the biggest reason why I can forgive him is that he came through for me when I really needed him. He got me off to college and out of the house. When he was away from my mother, he treated me with love and respect. We became almost like peers in a way. I really got a lot from him after he divorced my mom. And I still needed him to be a father to me, even though I was in my late twenties. I got some good stuff from him and I want to remember him that way. When he passed away, I wrote this song and it's called "Raise Me High," and it's just a beautiful letting go of my anguish over what he did to me. I can forgive him now.
•
When Acceptance Is the Only Resolution Available
You may ask what options are available to you when you do not feel forgiveness. The answer has to do with acceptance—the kind of acceptance that comes after grieving the loss of something very important like your childhood or the wish for more loving parents. Acceptance means recognizing that the abuse happened and that it hurt you and that your parents or abuser was responsible. It also means that you have accepted how the abuse affected you and that you are powerless to change anything in the past. Acceptance means putting the abuse behind you, not in the sense of forgetting, but in not letting it continue to dominate your life. True acceptance, like true forgiveness, can be very liberating, which is the real goal in your recovery: to allow the soul of your existence to be liberated from the shackles of the past.
When I confronted my mother, I told her that I was mad at her for not protecting me, but that was about it. I was just honest. I told her what I experienced and what I'm going through now as a result of it. I didn't tie everything together for her, though I let her read some of my papers I've written for school that describe my feelings about the abuse. But she didn't want to hear it. She cut me off and changed the subject. It was a disappointment for me, but that's her choice. I can't change her, but I can change myself. I don't have the expectation anymore that she will be different. That's where my progress has been. I've finally let go of the expectation and the hope, and now it's being filled with acceptance. She did the best she could at the time, with what she had to work with. I don't know if I necessarily need to forgive her or not, as long as I let go of my expectations. I know they no longer have power over me. I know that I can be around my dad now and not be afraid. I know that I am in control. I have a personal power that I never possessed before. Now that I am personally powerful, and by that I mean feeling strong and secure in myself and who I am and what I'm doing, he never approaches me in the way he did in the past. I don't have bitterness. I'm almost thankful because I know that all this has shaped who I am now, and I know I'm a good person. I have taken a look at myself in a way that a lot of people never do. I know that I have courage, I know that I have hope, and I know I have perseverance. I think any resolution with your parents or your family begins and ends with accepting yourself. That's the only resolution you really need. It has much more to do with you than with them.
•
Creating a New Family
If family reconstruction is not an option, it need not dash your hope for having a family experience that gives you love, affiliation, commitment, and sharing. You have the opportunity to create a new family with people who will give you what you want. Many survivors develop a new family composed of the important people in their lives: brothers and sisters or other biological family members who support their efforts to heal, families of close friends or partners who they have grown to love and trust, even friends of their parents who showed them care and consideration while growing up under siege. Others bond with members of their support groups and share parenting responsibilities for each other's children. For those of you who got yourself "adopted" by a friend's family during childhood, you may still have those old warm feelings for your "surrogate" mother or father. Who are the people in your life that have been there for you through thick and thin? These are the people who may make the best alternative family for you.
You will need to create some new rituals that capture the family feeling that you want to convey to your chosen family. Holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries of relationships born and relationships reaffirmed are all part of creating a family legacy that will endure. It will affirm your power as a person and underscore the notion that you need not be defeated by the family you never had.
SALVATION AND FUTURE CALLINGS
We have come to the end of our personal journey together. What began with reading this book and learning about child abuse has developed into a new awareness of your childhood ordeal and the steps that you must take to overcome it. For those of you who have read this book as an introduction to initiating your recovery, I hope the information provided will make the road ahead less rocky and more illuminated with hope and the possibilities of change. Recognize that you will not start your recovery completely from scratch. Reading this book is an achievement in its own right, considering how difficult it may have been for you to face this particular subject. You now possess a foundation of knowledge upon which you can build your own recovery.
For those readers who are now well along in recovery, congratulations are in order for you have made formidable changes that would never have been possible without a great deal of courage and perseverance. I hope you will acknowledge these efforts each year when you celebrate the birthday of your recovery. You are now poised at the conclusion of this book, ready to go forth in realizing the dreams for the life that you want. As a recovered survivor, you can exult in your new life, affirming your new sense of self in your work, relationships, and play as you continue to fortify and expand upon the goals you worked so hard to achieve. As you move forward in your post-recovery years, these changes will infuse your spirit, perhaps leading you to higher levels of consciousness, allowing you to be reborn, in a sense, in the image of your reclaimed soul.
FUTURE CALLINGS
The twenty-first step of recovery recognizes that we all possess the innate human capacity to evolve in the image of your chosen vision. Your future calling may remind you to continue reworking some of the steps as you go through the life cycle. Marriage, the birth of your children, the death of your parents, the growth of your children who will eventually leave home, the birth of your first grandchild, your retirement, and the ensuing twilight years— all of the natural milestones in the life cycle will resonate with the work you have already done. At the same time, these life changes may perhaps reveal the need for an even deeper resolution. Personal growth beyond recovery means periodically returning to the healing and changing processes you have learned. Like the seasonal planting of crops, the changes that you have cultivated may need to be strengthened, replenished, and occasionally reseeded. Retracing some steps will never require the total dedication, energy, and perseverance that marked your recovery in the past. However, having tasted the rich flavors of a healthy life, it may never again be acceptable for you to live life halfway. You owe it to yourself to keep these changes alive and still evolving.
ENDING CHILD ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
History has revealed that children, our most vulnerable citizens, have always been the target of our most punitive and aggressive actions. What was done to children centuries ago would horrify the average citizen today. But each survivor who recovers from child abuse is helping our civilization to resolve its own violent roots. Ending violence toward children is a developmental milestone just as working your recovery represents a milestone in your adult life. As more survivors choose a different life made possible by recovery, you will become part of a growing revolution in consciousness that will some day, perhaps in this century, brand domestic violence and child abuse as intolerable.
As a culture struggling to evolve socially and psychologically to meet the increasing demands of an expanding population with ever diminishing resources, it is essential that we learn to coexist peacefully and respectfully. Although social stresses and economic hardship are significant factors in family violence, we can't wait for our government to come up with solutions before facing this problem. It is damaging us in the meantime. Eliminating violence and exploitation needs to start in our families before we can expect our society and ultimately our world to be free of it. Although few of us can change this problem on a societal level, we can take control of the way we treat ourselves and our children. Like the philosophy underlying the ASCA program, individual healing within brings out the change in the world.
We have made some gains in our society's consciousness about childhood and parenting. While our understanding of child development is much more sophisticated, and child abuse reporting laws now give children greater legal protection, children are still at the bottom of the totem pole in a society that endorses financial, military, and physical might. And contemporary economic and social forces in our society raise new risks for children today. Children are still being abused due to a whole new set of factors alive in our society: lack of adequate jobs, increasing income disparity, inadequate housing, and day care; the invasion of drugs into our communities, especially methamphetamine and crack cocaine. Children do not have their own power base and must rely on others to bestow protection and respect upon them. In many, many ways, our "enlightened" society still fails at putting children first. Due to this limitation, we risk crippling the lifeblood of future generations.
There is a role here for recovered survivors that can redress the lack of power you felt as a child, and at the same time, help society understand that if we continue to abuse our children we are holding our society back. As in the twelfth step of AA, many survivors find great satisfaction and meaning in reaching out to others who are in desperate need of recovery to provide the type of encouragement and support that may have helped you years ago. Reaching out to others still in denial about their abuse as children or the abuse of their own children as parents offers a higher purpose—helping to break the chain of intergenerational abuse and domestic violence. Your efforts are part of this higher purpose that challenges our society to recognize its own inherent aggression and to resolve it just like you did—to face the underlying hurt and anger and redirect it into healthy behaviors instead of repeating the horrors of the past. This higher purpose may be the final challenge in your recovery, empowering you to take a stand against the abuse and exploitation of children, and in so doing, to help society resolve its own tendency to sacrifice its young.
With this hope, I bid you good-bye.
•
Chapter One: How to Determine If You Were Abused As a Child
1. de Mause, Lloyd ed. The History of Childhood: The Untold Story of Child Abuse. New York: Peter Bedrick Books, 1988.
2. Garbarino, J.; Guttmann, E.; and Seeley, J. W. The Psychologically Battered Child. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1987.
3. Heifer, R. E., and Kempe, R. S. The Battered Child, 4th ed. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1987.
Chapter Two: Understanding Your Dysfunctional Family
1. Finkelhor, D. Child Sexual Abuse: New Theory and Research. New York: The Free Press, 1984.
2. Leroi, D. "The Silent Partner: An Investigation of the Familial Background, Personality Structure, Sexual Behavior and Relationships of the Mothers of Incestuous Families." Doctoral dissertation, California School of Professional Psychology, Berkeley, 1984.
Chapter Three: Discovering Your Inner Child
1. Fraiberg, S. The Magic Years. New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1959. Freud, A. The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defense: The Writings of Anna
2. Freud. Vol. 2, London: International University Press, 1966. Kernberg, O. Internal World and External Reality: Object Relations Theory Applied. New York: Jason Aronson, 1980.
3. Russell, D. The Secret Trauma: Incest in the Lives of Girls and Women. New York: Basic Books, 1984.
4. Silbert, M. and Pines, A. “Sexual Abuse As An Antecedent To Prostitution”. Journal of Child Abuse and Neglect. Vol. 5 (1981): 407-411.
Chapter Four: Common Problems of Adult Survivors
1. Bass, E and Davis, L. The Courage To Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. New York: Harper and Row, 2005.
2. Bellak, L., and Goldsmith, L. A. The Broad Scope of Ego Function Assessment. New York: John Wiley & Sons, 1984.
3. Furst, S., ed. Psychic Trauma. New York: Basic Books, 1967.
4. Gannon, J. P. "Clinical and Group Process Issues in the Treatment of Adults Abused As Children." Paper presented at the 1986 California State Psychological Association Convention, San Francisco, March 1986.
5. Maltz, W., and Holman, B. Incest and Sexuality: A Guide to Understanding and Healing. Lexington, Mass: D. C. Heath & Co., 1987.
Chapter Five: Overcoming Your Addictions
1. Bennett, W. I. "Patterns of Addictions." The New York Times Magazine, April 10, 1988, 60.
2. Covington, S. "Alcohol and Family Violence." Unpublished paper, 1988.
3. Milkman, H., and Sunderwirth, S. "The Chemistry of Craving." Psychology Today. October 1983.
Chapter Six: Surviving on the Job
1. Woititz, J. G. Home Away from Home: The Art of Self-Sabotage for Adult Children of Alcoholics in the Workplace. Deerfield Beach, Fla.: Health Communications, Inc., 1987.
Chapter Seven: The Challenge of Parenting
1. Coopersmith, S. The Antecedents of Self-Esteem. Palo Alto, Calif: Consulting Psychologists Press, 1981.
2. Durphy, M., and Sonkin, D. Learning to Live Without Violence. San Francisco: Volcano Press, 1982.
3. Finkelhor, D.; Williams, L. M.; and Burns, N. "Sexual Abuse in Day Care: A National Study." Durham: Family Research Laboratory, University of New Hampshire, March 1988.
4. Fraiberg, S.; Addleson, E.; and Shaperio, V. "Ghosts in the Nursery: A Psychoanalytic Approach to Impaired Infant-Mother Relations." Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry 14 (1975): 387- 421.
5. Miller, A. For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Childrearing and the Roots of Violence. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1983.
Chapter Eight: Soul Mates: For Friends, Lovers, and Spouses
1. Bass, E., and Davis, L. The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. New York: Harper and Row, 1988.
2. Johnson, Susan M. Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with Trauma Survivors: Strengthening Attachment Bonds. Guilford Press. 2005
Chapter Ten: Self-Help
1. Hurley, D. "Getting Help from Helping." Psychology Today Jan. 1988, 63.
2. Giarretto, H. Integrated Treatment of Child Sexual Abuse: A Treatment and Training Manual. Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books, Inc., 1982.
3. Parnell, Laurel. Tapping In: A Step-By-Step Guide To Activating Your Healing Resources Through Bilateral Stimulation. Sounds True Press. 2008.
4. Taylor, Mary Catherine. "Alcoholics Anonymous: How It Works; Recovery Processes in a Self-Help Group." Doctoral dissertation, University of California, San Francisco, 1974.
5. Yao, Richard. There Is a Way Out. 4th ed. New York: FA Communications, 1987.
Chapter Eleven: Professional Help
1. Alpert, Judith, Ed. Sexual Abuse Recalled: Treating Trauma in the Era of the Recovered Memory Debate. Jason Aronson, Inc. 1995.
2. Bergmann, Uri. Neurobiological Foundations of EMDR Practice. Springer Publishing Co. 2012
3. Ehrenberg, O., and Ehrenberg, M. The Psychotherapy Maze: A Consumer's Guide to Getting In and Out of Therapy. New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc., 1986.
4. Lanning, K. Child Molesters: A Behavioral Analysis. Paper published for the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children by the Federal Bureau of Investigation. February 1986.
5. Parnell, Laurel; Felder, Elena; Prichard, Holly; Milstein, Prabha. Attachment- Focused EMDR: Healing Relational Trauma. W.W. Norton & Co. 2013
6. Siegel, Daniel; Solomon, Marion. Healing Trauma: Attachment, Mind, Body and Brain. W.W. Norton & Co. 2003
Chapter Twelve: Stage One Recovery: Steps 1 to 7
1. Blum, H. P. "The Role of Identification in the Resolution of Trauma." Psychoanalytic Quarterly (1987)
2. Courtois, C. A. Healing the Incest Wound. New York: W. W. Norton & Co., 1988.
3. Gil, E. Treatment of Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse. Walnut Creek, Calif.: Launch Press, 1988.
4. Horowitz, M. J. Stress Response Syndromes. New York: Jason Aronson, 1976.
5. Rieker, P., and Carmen, E. "The Victim-to-Patient Process: The Dis- confirmation and Transformation of Abuse." American Journal of Orthopsychiatry 56 (3): 360- 370.
Chapter Thirteen: Stage Two Recovery: Steps 8 to 14
1. Bradshaw, J. Healing the Shame That Binds You. Deerfield Beach, Fla.: Health Communications, Inc., 1988. Groth, A. N. Men Who Rape: The Psychology of the Offender. New York: Plenum Press, 1979.
2. Forrest, Margot Silk. A Short Course In Kindness. San Luis Obispo, CA: L.M. Press, 2002
3. Kohut, H. Restoration of the Self. New York: International Universities Press, 1977.
4. Linehan, Marsha. Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. The Guilford Press. 1993.
Chapter Fourteen: Stage Three Recovery: Steps 15 to 21
1. Ulman, R., and Brothers, D. The Shattered Self. New York: The Analytic Press, 1988.
2. Maltz, wendy. The sexual healing journey: A guide for Survivors of sexual abuse. Quill Press. New York. 2001
Chapter Fifteen: Speaking Your Truth: Choosing To Communicate With Your Abusers
1. Bass, E., and Davis, L. The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. New York: Harper and Row, 1988.
Epilogue: Salvation and Future Callings
1. Daro, D., and Mitchel, L. "Deaths Due to Maltreatment Soar: The Results of the 1986 Annual Fifty State Survey," Working Paper 8. Published by the National Committee for Prevention of Child Abuse.
2. Gelles, R. J., and Straus, M. A. Intimate Violence: The Cause and Consequence of Abuse in the American Family. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1988.
A NOTE TO THERAPISTS
Soul Survivors is intended for adult survivors of child abuse—men as well as women—who are either in recovery or contemplating entering recovery. As defined in chapter 1, this population would include adults who were raised in virtually any kind of dysfunctional family—parents who are chemically dependent, parents with chronic physical or mental disorders, neglectful or criminal/violent families, compulsively addicted or extreme religious and cult families. The paradigm underlying the focus in the first three chapters suggests that the concept of abuse— physical, sexual, or emotional (including neglect)—be viewed on a continuum of severity determined by several factors: type, severity, and duration of abuse; age of onset; and multiple- or single-parent offenders. The term abuse is being used specifically and generally to describe a range of pathological parent-child relations that may or may not include episodes of extreme trauma. In this way, the abuse context in terms of the ongoing relationships with parents and the typical family atmosphere can be recognized as a separate factor from the abuse episodes, which must be separately assessed for traumatic reactions and dissociative splitting. The treatment philosophy underlying the 21-Step recovery program integrates popular addiction recovery concepts promulgated by Alcoholics Anonymous with a modified object relations/self-psychology/attachent approach that emphasizes trauma resolution, building ego functions, and a positive self-concept.
This book has several purposes besides simply educating the reader about child abuse and the issues, problems, and recovery strategies for adult survivors. "Bibliotherapy" as the reading of self-help books is now often identified, can be of particular help to adult survivors of child abuse who feel so stigmatized and isolated by their past. However, in no way is the reading of the book intended to be a substitute for the survivors' involvement in a comprehensive program of self-help and professional help as described in chapters 10 and 11. Rather, the reading and journaling activities suggested can be an adjunct to the therapy program, an extension of the fifty-minute session. Reading about how other survivors have overcome their abuse can help those just beginning in recovery to manage their anxiety about re- experiencing the trauma. For survivors who are currently in therapy, reading can augment the development of self-awareness and insight produced in the therapy while keeping the therapy material fresh in mind between sessions. Reworking the memories of the abuse on their own may also help survivors take better advantage of their therapy sessions, considering how formidable their defenses can be. Reading and writing can help uncover memories while developing secondary ego functions to help clients resolve the material coming into consciousness. Repression is reduced, reality testing is reinforced, and higher- level defenses are supported. For survivors who were severely affected by the abuse, the book can function as a transitional object between sessions, something survivors can hold onto until they return.
The book is also intended to function as an outreach tool for those survivors, especially men and those prone to aggressive behavior, who have yet to identify themselves as victims of child abuse or begun to get professional help. Soul Survivors may help them figure out what occurred in their relationship with their parents and family members that could be considered abusive and how it might have contributed to the problems that seem to repeat in their current lives. Additionally, Soul Survivors is for the many survivors who attend 12-Step groups or parent education classes who have yet to receive professional help, despite some indication that they might benefit from it. Hopefully reading this book with its strong emphasis on professional long-term psychotherapy will serve as a "bridge into treatment" for those willing and interested to go beyond the 12-Step approach.
Besides the purpose of informing readers and helping them make intelligent recovery decisions, Soul Survivors is organized to help educate clients about the use of the psychotherapeutic process in all of its many modalities and orientations in the service of their recovery. The 21-Step recovery program outlined in the last section of the book can be used to trigger discussion and reactions for clients who may still have difficulty organizing their past memories and emotions into words. The survivors' syndrome in fact can include many problems and concerns that are well beyond the boundaries of individual psychotherapy. The reader is introduced to the various treatment options, which will address many of their recovery needs while continuing in their individual therapy. The emphasis in this book is on empowering the survivors to take charge of their recovery. Educating them about their treatment options offers a sense of power and control over their recovery that is consistent with this approach.
Introducing the idea of reading this book to your clients raises a few issues that need to be discussed. Some therapists may be reluctant to suggest a book to their clients due to their theoretical orientation. Clients vary in terms of whether they can derive benefits from reading about a problem they are facing. Some survivors who are just beginning to understand their abuse may feel overwhelmed at being introduced to all of this information, some of it graphic and technical. For these clients, the book can be offered after much of the work has been done to provide some extra validation for their experiences. Others may feel in the dark about child abuse and may be desperate for accurate information that can build their knowledge base and offer some control over a subject matter that is still intimidating. On the other hand, some clients who tend to over-rely on intellectual defenses may use the information garnered from their reading as yet another defense against the feelings about the abuse. In this case, the compulsive reading of this and other books may not be indicated if it doesn't make more accessible the emotional material they need to face.
A PARENTS’ GUIDE FOR SCREENING DAY-CARE CENTERS
Here is a five-point procedure for selecting a quality daycare center. Use it as a guide or starting point for your own personal screening checklist. If, during your visits to programs, you notice other factors that need to be considered, add them to your list. Many of the ideas will be applicable in the selection of a babysitter as well, although a less formal screening process may be sufficient. Remember, it will take time, patience and effort to sift through what is available in your community in terms of quality daycare and babysitting services. Use your intuition as well as the facts to make the right choice for your child. Get recommendations from local child-care resource organizations about quality, licensed day-care centers.
Contact these centers and ask for references. Contact the references and talk with the parents of children who have used the center in the past. Ask directly about any concerns they or their children had and how the day-care center staff responded to these concerns. My recommendation is to not consider using an unlicensed day-care center.
Visit several centers that have been recommended without your child and make notes about your observations of the program and facility. Ask to see the license of the center.
Large day-care centers as well as in-home, family day care for children must be licensed in most states. Most licensing bureaus operate out of the state Department of
Social Services and offer a variety of information to parents who are seeking quality day care for their children. However, these licensing bureaus often do not offer recommendations for specific day-care programs. They can, in many cases, tell the parents if a particular day-care center or provider has had any complaints registered against them. Some states such as California maintain a Child Abuse Index of people who have been charged with child abuse related crimes. Parents can crosscheck the names of potential child-care providers with the names on this list. However, this method does not provide any real safeguards because in the vast majority of cases the offender will not have been previously charged with a sexual offense.
During your visit, monitor the activities of the staff, children, and overall program. Compare what you see with the following checklist:
1. Is the facility clean and safe? Does it provide a stimulating environment for children of the age being served?
2. Is there enough room inside and outside for all the children attending at a particular time?
3. Is the staff adequate in numbers and trained in child development and early childhood education?
4. What are the personal characteristics of the staff? Are they warm, sensitive, caring adults who are truly interested in the Children? Can they engage individual children in the various activities that allow for a give and take between child and adult? Or are they over-concerned with "managing" the children as a collective entity with an emphasis on "keeping the peace"? If you have questions or concerns about anything, ask the appropriate person and expect your question to be handled in a responsible manner. If the staff seems confused or uninformed, ask the director about staff turnover. The better programs usually keep usually staff longer, although unfortunately the pay for childcare workers is so low that frequent turnover is common.
5. Is the program sufficiently structured with planned activities or is there an out-of-control and chaotic quality? Does the program offer a variety of activities and experiences for the child under the direction of the staff including art, music, athletics, social development activities, and reading circles? Or are the children left to amuse themselves with the available toys with only minimal involvement of the staff? Are there adequate toys, books, and recreational equipment? Are children watching television? If so, how much television time is permitted? Ask the program coordinator or director about her philosophy of child care. Ask her to describe how the program attempts to implement this philosophy.
6. Ask for a list of procedures and policies that are used to address common situations in the care of children. For example, how are the children assisted to use the bathroom? Is there a nap time provided, and if so, where do the children lie down? Are snacks and lunches served, and if so, who does the food preparation and what thought is given to providing a nutritious diet? How are the children disciplined? Corporal punishment is not allowed in licensed homes in most states and should not be permitted under any circumstances. Does staff use a "time-out" system that is effective without being punitive or humiliating to the child? Are the children ever taken outside of the center? If so, how are parents notified and what kind of transportation is used and what level of staffing is provided for each child? What kind of emergency medical services are used and what are the procedures for contacting the parent?
7. Does the program permit unannounced "drop-ins" by the parent? In most states, parents have the legal right to "drop in" at any time care is being provided. Ask the director how he feels about parents dropping in unannounced. If you sense that he is uncomfortable or discouraging about this practice, beware of the program. Ask what expectations there are for parent involvement. In most cases, the better programs have a strong parent involvement. While this may be difficult for you considering your busy schedule, be ready to commit to at least some token involvement. It will be helpful to your child to have you involved and it will be helpful to you to see how your child is playing and interacting with others.
8. Narrow down your choices to two or three programs and make another visit, this time with your child. Allow your child to participate in some of the activities and meet the staff for an hour or two with you present. Notice what your child likes to do and how he or she interacts with the children and the staff. Does your child look lost and uninterested in the activities, children, and toys? Or does he or she gradually fit in with the flow of play? Look at how your child is being treated by staff and children alike. Is she placed with other children of a similar age group? Are there other children who your child feels comfortable playing with? Do the other children generally seem to be a positive influence on your child? Again, feel free to discuss whatever concerns you have with the appropriate staff member and expect your concerns to be addressed responsibly. After the visit, ask your child how she felt about the various programs. Take into strong consideration which program she liked best, but compare it to your choice as well. Use your intuition and the facts you have accumulated to make your decision. Let your child know what you will do and set a date for starting the program. Prepare your child for the starting date by talking about it and asking what feelings she has about her first day. After deciding on a particular center, and enrolling your child, take some time during the first week to observe how your child is adjusting.
9. During the first few weeks, in particular, ask your child how he feels about his new program. Listen carefully to what your child says and doesn't say. What is the feeling being communicated between his words? Do you sense that your child is happy and excited to attend the center or is he unenthusiastic and listless about going? Sometimes a child will initially be resistant to going to a new program and being separated from his parents for the first time. Frequently this has nothing to do with the quality of the program, but rather indicates your child is having trouble making the transition. Transitions are generally difficult for young children and frequently can stir up strong emotional issues having to do with safety, separation, and being dependent on the parent. Handling the first situation involving the separation of child and parent will make most future transitions all the more easier for your child. In some cases, a child's difficulty in making the transition to a new program may signal that something is not right. It may take some time and effort to sift out the cause of your child's uncomfortable feelings about attending the program. You may need to consult with the program staff members about how they see your child adjusting to the new environment during the transitional phase. If the behavior continues, consider getting a professional opinion to help you deal best with the situation. In cases where your child can articulate a reason for his uncomfortableness, take it seriously. If his concerns cannot be resolved, think about trying another program that might be more comfortable for him.
STAGE ONE: REMEMBERING
1. I am in a breakthrough crisis, having gained some sense of my abuse.
2. I have determined that I was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child.
3. I have made a commitment to recovery from my childhood abuse.
4. I shall re-experience each set of memories as they surface in my mind.
5. I accept that I was powerless over my abusers' actions, which holds THEM responsible.
6. I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse, but shall try not to turn it against myself or others.
7. I can sense my inner child whose efforts to survive now can be appreciated.
STAGE TWO: MOURNING
8. I have made an inventory of the problem areas in my adult life.
9. I have identified the parts of myself connected to self-sabotage.
10. I can control my anger and find healthy outlets for my aggression.
11. I can identify faulty beliefs and distorted perceptions in myself and others.
12. I am facing my shame and developing self-compassion.
13. I accept that I have the right to be who I want to be and live the way I want to live.
14. I am able to grieve my childhood and mourn the loss of those who failed me.
STAGE THREE: HEALING
15. I am entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches.
16. I am strengthening the healthy parts of myself, adding to my self-esteem.
17. I can make necessary changes in my behavior and relationships at home and work.
18. I have resolved the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me.
19. I hold my own meaning about the abuse that releases me from the legacy of the past.
20. I see myself as a thriver in all aspects of life -love, work, parenting, and play.
21. I am resolved in the reunion of my new self and eternal soul.
Tips for Starting a Community-Based
ASCA Support Group
Introduction
Congratulations on taking the initiative to form an Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) support group. You may have made this decision because you have not been able to locate an existing group with a convenient meeting time and/or location. Or perhaps you know of an ASCA or other group but find its energy and style a mismatch for yours. Whatever the case, starting an ASCA group is an attainable goal and a rewarding experience.
The ASCA Program has been employed for nearly two decades by a number of people in cities throughout the world. ASCA is based on a three stage, twenty-one-step recovery program for survivors of child abuse that was first described by Dr. Patrick Gannon, the author of Soul Survivors: A New Beginning For Adults Abused As Children that was published in 1989. You can find more material on the program itself in the Survivor to Thriver Manual and the ASCA Co-Facilitator / Co-Facilitator Training Manual. You can download or order these materials from the Morris Center website ( www.ascasupport.org ). If you have any questions, need more information, or just want some moral support, please don’t hesitate to contact The Morris Center at info@ascasupport.org. We would love to hear from you.
There are currently two different group models: community-based groups and provider-based groups. The tips contained in this brochure are geared for community-based groups, which are formed by survivors of child abuse who, are also the group’s participants and co-facilitators. Provider-based groups, on the other hand, are usually formed by mental health providers or organizations and may or may not be co-facilitated by survivors of child abuse.
Getting Started: The Three P’s
Starting a group may seem daunting at first, but, as with most tasks in life, you can achieve the goal by proceeding step by step and celebrating each accomplishment along the way. There certainly are numerous approaches to starting an ASCA group. In this pamphlet, we will try to present an assortment of tips. Feel free to apply those that seem to apply to your situation.
There are three primary ingredients to a support group. They are 1) Participants (survivors), 2) Place (meeting place), and 3) Procedure (format). It’s a simple recipe. The Morris Center has consulted with professionals to diligently prepare the procedures (format) and supporting materials for you so you can focus your efforts on locating other survivors and the meeting place. We’ll discuss which materials you’ll need - as well as offer tips - for the first meeting later in this pamphlet.
Participants
Support groups are all about people, and so, in the end, people are the most important ingredient to the group. For that reason, try to find a few people to serve as a core to the group’s formation. This group can assist with finding other interested parties, selecting a meeting place, and choosing an appropriate meeting time. If you act on your own, you may choose a place and time that does not work for others. It is hard to know these details without getting input from other people.
Of course, you may not be able to find others to help you form a group. Many people only want to commit to existing entities. However, we know of at least one group that started purely from the efforts of one person who, not finding others to help establish the group, chose a meeting place and time and then advertised to attract members. So, don’t be discouraged!
Number of Participants
You may know some people who are interested in joining a support group for survivors of child abuse. Opinions differ on the minimum number of people you need for a meeting. There’s no iron-clad rule on the matter. The Morris Center believes that the ASCA meeting format works best with seven or more people. Some people are satisfied with even just two people in the room, but this is not the norm. Consider aiming to have at least five people at each meeting.
Smaller groups of five to seven people allow for greater intimacy, enough time for each person to share, and the possibility of extending shares beyond five minutes. Many participants appreciate the opportunity for longer shares. However, smaller groups carry the additional risk of having too few people when everyone is not able to attend each meeting. Larger groups may be more comfortable for people who prefer not to speak at a meeting. Even though no person is ever required to speak at a meeting, people sometimes feel a subtle pressure to do so if there are not enough participants to fill the allotted time.
Your own unique circumstances will determine how big your meeting will be. You will just have to wait and see how many people are interested in the meeting and then navigate from there.
Advertising
If you do not know enough interested people to form a group, then you will want to find other survivors to participate. One good approach is to spread the word through individuals you know and trust. Some people do not understand and you might be better off not telling them. Please do not pressure yourself to ask people you do not trust because there are plenty of other ways of finding participants.
Craig’s List
Advertising is an effective way of finding participants. A good place to start is Craig’s List, a popular classified ads website. Craig’s List receives a huge amount of traffic, particularly from the kinds of people who join support groups. Here’s how you do it:
Get on the Internet, open your web browser, and type in the address <www.craigslist.org> (without the <> brackets).
The default city is San Francisco. If you live in a different city, find it on the right side of the page and click it.
On the top left of the page, click on the link called “post to classifieds.”
Click on “community.”
Click on groups
You will see an entry screen
Fill in a title, description, and location. You can copy my description from the example above or compose a different one. You can leave the check box at the bottom (ok for others to contact) unchecked. It’s not a problem if you place a checkmark there – but you might receive email solicitations from businesses.
You can choose to list your actual meeting address or just give a general description. This depends a bit on your group format. If the group screens new participants, then you first would communicate with the applicant. Even if you do not screen applicants, you still might not want to list the address publicly. Some participants worry that a child abuse perpetrator or some other unwelcome person might try to attend a meeting and cause a disturbance. Some people do not worry about this at all and just go ahead and list the address. The former approach requires a bit more work and may even deter some legitimate participants who would otherwise attend. As with everything in life, there are trade-offs.
In the above example, we listed a group web site that we established at geocities, which is Yahoo’s hosting service. We’ll show you how to set up an email address and web site on that service too. If you do not have a group email address, you can enter a different address. Alternatively, you can select “anonymize” at the bottom of the screen. Craig’s List will invent an address for you and post it in the ad. This way, your email address will not be viewable from the web. Any mail sent to the temporary address will be forwarded to you at the address you will specify after receiving your confirmation request from Craig’s.
If you have not yet selected a location or meeting time, then you might just write about your idea to form and group and ask for interested people to respond. You could write the following:
We are in the process of forming a support group for adult survivors of child abuse. Our goal is mutual support in a gentle and non-judgmental environment. We welcome survivors of any type of child abuse. If you are interested in helping to form the group or would just like to attend, please contact Scott at ascanyc@yahoo.com.
After clicking “continue”, you will get a screen asking you to confirm your entries. Click “continue” if you are satisfied or “edit” if you want to change something. After clicking “continue” you will see a screen asking you to affirm the “Terms of Use.” Read the terms and click “Accept.”
The final screen doesn’t require you to take any action now, but informs you that you will be receiving an email to which you must respond before your ad is posted.
An hour or so after your submission, you will receive an email from Craig’s List.
The email will contain a link. Click on the link.
Click “publish” and you are in business.
To view your ad, go to Craig’s List, and pick your city. In the search box on the top left, type in
The ad will run for ten days. You can renew it every ten days if you like.
Posting Flyers
Another good means of advertising is posting flyers at universities, health clinics, community-center bulletin boards, and even coffee shops and grocery stores. Most places take down the flyers after a few weeks so you’ll have to get in the habit of making the postings as long as you are looking for new members. You might find this effort tedious, but you might also find it therapeutic. Each step towards establishing your support group is an affirmation of your initiative, independence, strength, and yearning to survive and thrive.
We have created a sample flyer:
Join us for our weekly meetings. We give one another emotional support and an opportunity for expression of feelings, thoughts, memories, hopes, insights, and education on the subject of child abuse.
See (website) for more information or e-mail (Contact) at (e-mail address)
Once your meetings get started, you can leave a few copies of the flyer on your literature table. Participants can assist in the advertising efforts by posting flyers at their schools and coffee shops. We don’t suggest pressuring anyone to help (most survivors had enough of that as children), but you can mention it during business meetings or the announcements portion of the meeting.
Mailings
You can also run a mail campaign by e-mail or snail mail (old-fashioned mail with paper and envelopes). Who should you email? You can email anyone who might know of people who could use a support group. This can include the United Way, religious institutions, community centers, or even psychotherapy groups or individual counselors. The public library and web are great places to find addresses.
Here’s sample text for the letter:
Figure 13
Dear Community Services Director,
I am writing to tell you about the Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) Program, which was designed by the Morris Center ( www.ascasupport.org ) in San Francisco to provide support for adult survivors of child abuse. This support group may interest some of your staff and clients. If you have received inquiries from the public on the availability of such a group in our area, please consider referring them to us.
Our ASCA group meets once a week, currently (date) in (location) for emotional and intellectual expression in a gentle and supportive environment. All participants are survivors of child abuse, including verbal, physical and sexual trauma. There is no fee for attendance, only a suggested $10 contribution, which is applied towards rent for the meeting room, recovery literature, and contributions to The Morris Center — the non-profit organization that offers the ASCA Program.
I would be most appreciative if you could include our group with any listings of services used by your staff or in literature and websites. While our city has no shortage of support groups in general, it suffers from a dearth of groups specifically for this purpose.
Please find attached a flyer (in the form of a Word document) that you can place on a public bulletin board.
Suggested blurb for your literature:
ASCA-NYC
Support group for adult survivors of child abuse. Meets Tuesday evenings 6:30 - 8:00 PM at the Children’s Aid Society, Greenwich Village Center at 219 Sullivan Street (a block and a half south of Washington Square Park) in Manhattan. Suggested contribution $10. See www.geocities.com/ascanyc or Email ascanyc@yahoo.com for more details.
Thank you for your kind assistance here and for your important work in general.
Sincerely,
Your Name
Of course, you need to adapt this sample with references to your particular group name, location, meeting time, fee, and contact information. For the snail mail campaign, replace the word “attached” with “enclosed.” It’s also better to have a specific name in the salutation instead of the generic “Community Services Director.”
Please keep in mind, people may not welcome solicitations from mail order catalogs or credit card companies, but they often appreciate hearing about helpful resources. You might even receive phone calls (if you list your number) from people who ask for more information.
You might also find yourself speaking with someone who is checking you out for credibility. Do not be concerned or intimidated by that. The caller may represent a community organization that wants to exercise diligence on behalf of their clients. You do not have to impress them with a big show. Just talk a bit about your group, its format, and its goals. Some group starters have found that mentioning their association with the Morris Center is helpful. You can mention how the group closely follows the Morris Center’s meeting format. You can emphasize that your group does not give psychoanalysis or counseling but provides a safe place to express one’s feelings and thoughts in a supportive environment - without encountering analysis or cross-talk (please see the Welcome to ASCA Guide for more information on cross-talk).
Open Drop-in or Closed Meetings
As we mentioned earlier, you will need to decide whether to classify your meetings as “open drop-in” or “closed”. Closed meetings provide a more stable environment. This is both a strength and a weakness. Sometimes, people who are new to the meeting can add a different perspective and fresh ideas. Sometimes, new people can inhibit free expression by those who do not want to share before complete strangers. The founding members make many of these types of decisions. You can change the genre of your meeting as necessary. You may need to change whether a group is open or closed in order to attract members. However, excessive change can be harmful because most support group participants tend to want a fairly stable environment. Even positive changes can sometimes unsettle a group. We will discuss group decision-making processes in the section titled Administration.
Internet
E-mail Address
There are numerous advantages to establishing an e-mail address for your group including the following:
1. You can insure that inquiries from the public do not get mixed in with your other e-mail.
2. You can better guarantee privacy in your correspondence in case some other person at home shares your regular e-mail address.
3. You can more easily maintain your anonymity if you so desire.
4. You can pass on responsibility for the e-mail account to another person in the group.
We all know by now a number of ways to establish an e-mail address. You might find it helpful to establish an address at yahoo.com because Yahoo will also allow you to form an online web page and group. Here’s how to set up an email account on Yahoo. In your web browser, type yahoo.com and when the page loads, click on Mail.
On the new web page, click Sign Up Now
On the new web page, click Sign Up For Yahoo Mail
Now fill out the information on the sign up page
From this point onward, just follow the instructions that Yahoo provides until you complete the creation of your account.
Once you set up your account, you can send and retrieve mail by going to my.yahoo.com and entering your id and password.
Creating a Web Page On Yahoo
Yahoo allows anyone to create a small web site on its servers. They use geocities.com, one of their subsidiaries for this purpose. To create a web site on geocities, do the following:
Go to geocities.com using your web browser and click on Sign Up.
Enter the yahoo email address and password that you created earlier
Choose Health as your topic and click Continue.
On the next web page, note your web address (should be geocities.com/your email address, e.g. geocities.com/ascanyc) and click Build Web Page. On the Build My Web Site page, click Yahoo Page Wizards. See Figure 23. From this point onwards, follow the instructions yahoo gives you.
Meeting Place
To create a meeting place, you really just need a room and chairs. However, there are some other considerations. It is best to find a meeting room with a safe environment – well lit, fairly public – so that participants do not fear for their physical or emotional safety. People who have been abused as children have a greater sensitivity to safety issues. For instance, one ASCA group tried to arrange meetings in a basement of a synagogue and realized that the windowless room deep in the bowels of an old building might appear unsafe to some people. For safety considerations, try to find a room with windows. The light from windows also cheers up the atmosphere. A room in good condition is optimal although this is not always possible. Some participants who have been abused by religious figures may feel triggered by meetings held at churches or temples, a common place for support groups, so be aware of this possibility.
Another consideration in room selection is environmental control. By that we mean that the place needs to be heated in the winter and cool in the summer (air-conditioning). However, air-conditioners can sometimes make a lot of noise! Watch out for this.
Stability is another consideration. You want find a room where you can stay for the long haul. Switching meeting locations can be difficult for the group. The new location might not be convenient for some people. And if you have a drop-in meeting, communicating the change to all attendees can be cumbersome. So, try to find a stable situation with a reasonable landlord.
You might be puzzled by the choice of the word “landlord” for renting a room. You can try to locate a free room in the library, a hospital, or community center. For example, one of the San Francisco groups and both of the Chicago groups found free meeting spaces in their local hospitals. However, most organizations charge rent. Rental costs will vary. The lowest rate you might find in New York City is $15 an hour. Some places want $100. A group organizer has to be a bit of a businessperson. Negotiate the best deal you can.
You can search the classified ads for rooms to rent, including those on Craig’s List, the yellow pages, or the web. You can also just ask around.
One important consideration in selecting a room is whether the lobby to the building has security, which requires people to show identification. This may compromise participants’ anonymity.
Administration
Community-based ASCA support groups work democratically. Regular business meetings provide the space and opportunity for group participants to decide on issues such as how to develop new co-Facilitators, how to raise funds, what types of reading materials to approve for Rotation C meetings, etc.
Administrative Goals
Before we discuss the administrative and decision-making process, we should detail the purpose of administration. There are numerous tasks involved in running a group. Some of the salient tasks including the following:
People
Continuous advertising for new members if necessary
Responding to inquiries
Resolving interpersonal conflict
Communicating meeting place, time, and procedure changes
Place
Paying rent
Tidying the room
Ensuring climate control: heating/AC
Making sure there are a sufficient number of chairs for the meeting
Meeting
Communicating rotation schedule issues and topics
Collecting contributions
Providing Welcome to ASCA guides and other materials
Bringing materials to each meeting
Other
Record keeping/treasury
Roles
If you are just starting an ASCA group in your area, you (and your co-Facilitator) might need to handle all of these tasks. Like anything, such an approach has its advantages and disadvantages. The primary advantage is simplicity. However, relying on a single administrator depends on one person to commit to the work, which may require two hours a week, not including meeting time. A disadvantage of this approach is that other people may want to contribute to the group administration. You won’t find out if you don’t ask for volunteers.
Here is a matrix of some of the tasks according to roles. Note that in many meetings, the co-facilitators handle all of these tasks. We are just suggesting that this doesn’t have to be the case.
Decision Making
Survivors of child abuse tend to be especially averse to any hint of tyrannical control in a meeting. So, especially in community-based meetings, voting is usually a good way to make decisions. That way, each person has equal say in the decision-making process, You can vote on almost anything including topics for Rotation “C” meetings, whether to open windows on hot days, and length of shares.
Types of Decisions
You might consider designating special times for policy decisions at business meetings so that members can make an effort to participate. Most people cannot commit to attending every meeting. A participant might become disconcerted if she or he finds out that the group made a major decision during the one meeting they missed. One solution to this dilemma is to vote on policy matters only during the first meeting of each month. This way, people know they should attend those meetings if policy decisions are important to them.
Another recommendation is to ask group members to bring all issues directly to the Co-Facilitator after the meeting. The Co-Facilitators then announce those items that the group needs to discuss at the business meeting. Presenting issues calmly and rationally is an important role of the Co-Facilitator and Co-Facilitator.
Some decisions, such as whether or not to turn on a fan, are relevant only to individual meetings. Other types of decisions might impact more than just your own group if there is more than one ASCA group in the area especially because people in recovery might attend more than your group. You may consider starting a Service Council with those running groups in nearby areas to collaborate and provide support and resources with each other.
Voting
The Co-Facilitators facilitate the voting process. For example, in the New York ASCA business meetings, any participant may raise an issue for discussion or suggest a vote. If another person seconds the motion, the Co-Facilitator asks if anybody wants to discuss the issue before voting. Length of discussion depends on the availability of time and the productivity of the discussion. The Co-Facilitator then asks for a show of hands from those who are “in favor”, “who oppose,” and “who abstain.” The majority wins.
Please note that these are all just administrative suggestions. Your group can adapt these suggestions or discard them altogether in favor of a different approach.
Other Tips
If possible, leave the phone list out after the meeting as you clean up. This will give people more time to copy down names and numbers.
Approach newcomers and make sure they have a copy of the Welcome to ASCA guide. Ask them if they have been to a support group before and, if not, explain to them the meeting flow (opening remarks, readings, main share, positive feedback, regular shares). Explain the concept of cross-talk. Help them to feel welcome. Tell them they do not have to give a share or read aloud. They can just say, “pass.”
Try to strike a balance between enforcement of rules and tolerance and patience. People need a little time to learn the group guidelines. For example, we think it is better to enforce the punctuality rule (by allowing late-comers to enter the meeting at designated times only). However, a brand-new participant might not see the sign on the door and just barge in the room. Such things happen now and then. Just try to recognize that participants usually break group rules because they do not understand or know about them yet. Please remember that support group administration is an art - not a science. Don’t expect things to run perfectly. You’ll learn many other tips over time.
Additional Help and Resources
Once you establish your local ASCA group, you will find out that there is a whole community to which you belong! Not only will you meet other survivors who support you in your recovery journey. You can get to know other ASCA group facilitators around the country – and world!
The Morris Center provides several resources to help you continue to learn how to run effective meetings. You can:
1. Attend one of The Morris Center’s ASCA Co-Facilitator Training workshops in San Francisco or via phone/ web conference
2. Order or download a copy of the ASCA Co-Facilitator Training Manual from the website www.ascasupport.org .
3. Join the ASCA Meeting Facilitators e-group hosted on the Yahoo website by sending an e-mail to asca-mtg-facilitators-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. This is a private e-group that only invited members (ASCA meeting co-Facilitators around the world) can access. You can post questions and discuss ideas online with other co-Facilitators.
4. Contact The Morris Center at info@ascasupport.org.
Following are accounts by two different people of their founding of groups.
I was in a very bad place in my life, again, in July 2001. I had lunch with one of the few people who I was able to have a friendship with from my workplace. At lunch she shared some things that were happening for her in her personal life which were very troubling for her. I then shared some things about my personal life. To which she said “Jeez Stuart, that sounds like child abuse”.
That really hit me like a ton of bricks………So, that night I did a search on the web………..
By July, 2001, I had been going to ACOA and CODA for several years. It was helping, but there was much that didn’t work for me in those programs. As a result of a comment from a friend, I did a search for adult survivors of child abuse on the web, and found ASCA.
I was bowled over. Within a few days I had poured over everything on their website, and had downloaded and read the Survivor to Thriver manual, as well as the Meeting Format manual.
Anyway, I got into a new therapy with a LCSW (licensed clinical social worker). I printed out a copy of Survivor to Thriver and gave her a copy, which she immediately read, and said she thought it was great. It became the tool I used to focus the path of my therapy.
So, I desperately needed to go to an ASCA meeting, but, of course, there wasn’t one in Chicago………… So I HAD to start one, IMMEDIATELY. The following is how I progressed and the meeting was started and continues…….
Preparing to create a meeting
I read the manual, all the way through, at least three times, so I would understand, exactly, what the program was and what the philosophy of the program was. This was very important for me personally, as well as an essential preparation, I believe, to co-Facilitator an ASCA meeting.
I have had many false prophets in my life, who have talked the talk but did not walk the walk………… that was not ok, as far as I was concerned. So, it’s essential for me to very aggressively be doing my own work, in order for me to be a safe co-Facilitator.
I wanted to know everything there was to know about ASCA – so I read everything on the website, THOROUGHLY, until I was familiar with everything they put there.
I also found it very helpful to have read both “Healing the Child Within”, by Dr. Charles Whitfield, and “Soul Survivors” by J. Patrick Gannon (the creator of the ASCA program). Both these books were invaluable to me in my own healing as well as helping be a good leader for our local ASCA meeting.
Additionally, I had been going to 2 twelve step groups for several years – Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) and Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA). Not only did those groups help me in my own healing, but they really helped me with the skills I would need in running a “clean” and safe ASCA meeting. And, since ASCA is based on the 12 step model of Alcoholics Anonymous, having a very good understanding of the 12 step recovery model has proven to be very helpful for me in running our meeting. Plus, many of the initial survivors at our meeting were also actively attending 12 step meetings. They proved to be a very good source of prospective ASCA attendees.
One of the most beneficial aspects of having attended CODA was to have helped me with a great amount of clarity regarding interpersonal boundaries, and allowing ASCA attendees to define, FOR THEMSELVES, what their work is and how they need to go about it. 12 step really helped me be mindful about not taking others’ inventories. And that helped A LOT with running the meeting. Giving our attendees the space to solve their own problems, their own way, was an essential piece to understand. These people want to solve their own problems, not be rescued.
Getting things together
Meeting space
I was pretty lucky. As a result of all the 12 step work I had done, I was very familiar with locations that were currently available for support group meetings. I checked out a few churches I knew were hosting some 12 step meetings, but many of the times I wanted to hold our meetings were already taken. A friend had told me about a local hospital’s professional building where she attended a 12 step meeting.
I called them, and voila,.it worked! They were very happy to provide the space for our meeting AND THEY WEREN’T GOING TO CHARGE US A PENNY! We really lucked out.
Everything about the facility was great. It was a building filled with physicians – that gave newcomers a lot of comfort, in that it was a professional environment. I found that women, especially, found that very comforting. Female survivors, especially, often times have a lot of concerns about their physical safety – and understandably so.
It was clean, always HVAC comfortable (heating ventilation air conditioning), and had unlimited free parking. The meeting room was carpeted, the chairs were plentiful (not really the most comfortable – made for business meetings – so I bring my own folding chair every meeting). Water fountains, clean bathrooms. They’ve been terrific.
Other locations I’ve considered contacting, in case I need an alternative location, would be our local junior college, other hospitals and houses of worship.
Not meeting in a place of worship avoids triggering people who have issues with god or higher powers. Many survivors having been abused by those whose hands our well-beings were in. Of course, there are also those who are triggered by medical settings, but…………..we are doing our best.
Materials for the meeting
Not wanting to mess around with any obstacles to the meeting proceeding, I expended some cash on my own part to front the cost for getting whatever was needed for the meeting to get going, to get going. So I had ten copies of the Survivor to Thriver manual printed up. I bought inexpensive loose-leaf binders and assembled the books. Getting a new meeting going was going to be difficult enough, I didn’t want to not have the minimal materials available to people who were willing to come. I had a lot of confidence that the meeting was going to go fine, and that I would get my money back. And, if it didn’t fly, I felt it was worth it to me. I REALLY wanted to be doing the ASCA program. All told, I laid out about $200, which the meeting easily paid me back over a few months.
I bought pens and little notepads for people to make mental notes on, so when the time came for their share, they could include thoughts that came to them during the earlier parts of the meeting.
I bought a daily affirmation book used by ACOA which we read the day’s entry for, at the beginning of our meeting.
I bought a copy of “Healing the Child Within” and “Soul Survivor”. We first read “Healing”, and since then we’ve read “Soul”, which we read for about 10 minutes during every meeting.
I printed out the meeting format from the website and used it for the first month of our meetings. But numerous of the people who were coming were uncomfortable with the amount of “meeting overhead” there was. They wanted to get to the emotional stuff ASAP.
So I spent some time contemplating their reactions and my experiences in the 12 step meetings I attended, and I came up with a hybrid format that combined both the 12 step format and ASCA’s meeting format. We have been using this modified format for 2 years and it has worked great.
I recommend getting familiar with the format that is on the website and using it numerous times before even considering modifying it. As far as I know, our meeting may be the only one which is using a modified ASCA format.
I created a handout with materials we read at every meeting, together. It consists of the ASCA philosophy, the Stages and Steps, Meeting Guidelines, and the Closing Statement. Everyone uses a copy of it during the meeting, and then turns it back in as we close the meeting.
We use the Topics for our Rotation B meeting just as they are on the website, and they have worked fine. There are about 24 topics, so with a 3 meeting rotation, it takes 72 weeks to cover all the topics--we’ve had no problem with them being repetitious.
People
I had been involved in numerous 12 step meetings and a self-work community called “The New Warriors”. Our initial attendance was drawn from these two sources until we started getting people finding us from the ASCA website. We also got listed in a “Directory of Self-Help Groups” put out by an agency in IL, which is distributed to libraries and the mental healthcare community. There was no cost for this listing. These have been the only sources for attendees to our meeting to this point.
In the not to distant near future I hope to be able to muster the additional energy to do community outreach to hospitals, community mental healthcare agencies, social service agencies (United Way, Crisis Hotlines, Police, Libraries, and Social Workers.
Scott’s Story
For all of my adult life I have had a notion that I would benefit from group therapy, but somehow, despite searching for a group and requesting the help of my therapists, I did not come across any for many years. When the 12-step movement became wildly popular some years ago, I found my way to 12-step support groups for people suffering from codependency and eating disorders. However, I felt somewhat out of place in these groups, as much as I enjoyed the group experience, since the subject matter and life experiences of the participants did not address the core of my struggle.
One night, an idea occurred to me that perhaps I needed a group that specialized in child abuse. Living in New York City, a center for psychotherapy, I thought that finding a support group for survivors of child abuse would be a breeze. But it wasn't. I searched the papers and the web. I called clinics and hospitals and all sorts of social service organizations. Eventually, I found a group for female survivors of sexual abuse and later on a group for male survivors. However, I sought to discuss a broader range of child abuse issues and simply could not find in Metropolitan New York City, home to nearly 20 million people, a support group for survivors of child abuse in general.
I was exasperated and frustrated. As I started to dwell in feelings of bitterness that the world was once again letting me down, another idea occurred to me: start your own group. How hard could it be, I wondered.
I figured I could use the 12-step format, the only one with which I was familiar. Other than that, I needed some people and a room. I really didn't know where to start for either task so I just took shots in the dark. I asked around. I tried the phone book and the Web, specifically Craig's List, in search of rooms for rent. I phoned Churches, Synagogues, and community centers. I was surprised at first that these public service organizations required rent, sometimes sizeable sums for an hour of room space. In thinking it over, however, I realized that maintaining a room for the public carries an expense. So I set about finding one in the thirty dollar range for an hour or more.
I went to Craig's List looking for people too. My advertisement asked for people who would be interested in helping to organize a group. In the end, I didn't find anybody interested in forming the group, but there were a few who said they would come to the first meeting once it was all organized. I could live with that. All of my life, I have had to take care of myself, and I could do it here too. What I needed from other people was for them to show up at the meetings and share.
Several people inquired as to the group format. I told them it would be run like a 12-step group, but I experienced trepidation that I was working with only adumbrations as to the actual workings of the meetings.
At some point in all of this organizing work, somebody (might have been two people actually, my wife and one of my correspondents) referred me to the Morris Center website. I could see instantly that I had stumbled on a storehouse of great material for my goal of starting a support group for survivors of child abuse for such is their specialty. The meeting format document was the best find of all since it scripted the entire meeting and helped allay my fears regarding the running of meetings.
I also took instantly to the 21-step program in its design specifically for survivors of child abuse. As I mentioned earlier, the 12-step programs, as much as I appreciated them, never seemed ideally designed for my issues. For one thing, forgiveness, a staple of the 12-steps, is a much more complicated issue with trauma survivors. Also, while I believe in God, religious belief is a more complicated issue with many survivors of child abuse since religious abuse is a common form of child abuse. The 21 steps do not demand forgiveness or reliance on a higher power (not that they discourage them) and address instead matters more relevant to recovery from child abuse, such as recall of memories, reclaiming of one's life from dominant personalities, and building of personal strength.
With the ASCA material in my possession, I felt more confident in my organizing efforts. While still looking for a room, my wife came to the rescue again by finding something in Tribeca, a neighborhood in downtown Manhattan. It was a fairly well maintained basement room in a synagogue and the price, whatever we could afford at first and $25 per meeting after we established ourselves, seemed reasonable. With the room, the format, and a few interested parties in place, I settled on a meeting time that was agreeable to everyone and announced the first meeting a few weeks hence.
Naturally, I was excited and nervous on the day of the first meeting. But I felt enormous pride that I had taken an idea from germ to event. For much of my life, I had lived in a state of helplessness and hurt, and here I was taking charge of my emotional destiny. As I set up the room for the first meeting, I wondered who would show and what we would talk about. I was anxious to meet people with childhood experiences similar to mine. I sat down and waited. But nobody came! I waited an hour. I went upstairs to see if anybody was lost or locked out, but didn't find anybody. I couldn't believe it. All this work and nobody came. But I didn't despair. I believe that my pro-activity boosted my faith in my self and the world.
I advertised some more and went to the second meeting. Again, nobody came. I waited an hour.
It occurred to me that my choice for a meeting place might be hurting recruitment efforts. The building was not centrally located within Manhattan. Also, a basement room might be off-putting to some people for a variety of reasons. So, I researched some more and found a place at the Children's Aid Society in Greenwich Village. I visited the room and loved it. The neighborhood was much more popular and maintained. I notified my mailing list of the location change and tried again. This time, five people showed up, and I had my first support group meeting. It went surprisingly well, thanks in large part to the ASCA format document, which I followed closely.
Well, ASCA NYC has been holding meetings now for over eleven months. We have some regulars, some people who came but once, and others who come periodically. If I had a dollar for each time I have been thanked profusely for starting the group the sum would more than cover my share of the rent. But equal to my joy in having given something to the community and to survivors of child abuse is the psychological benefit to me of having a forum for sharing my story and hearing those of others like me. Group support is a powerful device, in some ways a perfect antidote to a lonely childhood. Starting a group took a bit of work and patience (although not excessively so), but it has been undoubtedly worth it.
We hope you found this booklet of tips useful! Again, congratulations on taking the initiative to start a group of your own! You are on a journey in which you do not have to travel alone any more. Welcome to ASCA!