153
ACT 2 • SCENE 1
DR. GARDNER’S OFFICE—WAITING ROOM
Opening chords of “NOT THE DOCTOR.” Mary Jane and Steve enter. Steve addresses the RECEPTIONIST as Mary Jane begins to sing “NOT THE DOCTOR.”
STEVE: Hi. We’re here to see Dr. Gardner.
MARY JANE: I don’t want to be the filler if the void is solely yours.
STEVE: Steve and Mary Jane Healy.
MARY JANE: And I don’t want to share the secrets / That we’ve hidden well in our bottom drawer1
STEVE: It’s our first session.
MARY JANE: And I don’t want to be the bandage if the wound is not mine...
STEVE: MJ?
MARY JANE: Show me the back door!
RECEPTIONIST: Just fill this out and she’ll be right with you.
Steve chimes in with his own internal monologue as Mary Jane fills out the paperwork.
STEVE: (to Mary Jane) Why are you pouting?
MARY JANE: I’m not. (then) This wasn’t my idea.
STEVE: I can’t have ideas?
STEVE: I don’t want to be resented when I’m just trying to provide for you / I don’t want to be berated for simply doing my best to reach you2 / I don’t want to be controlling, I just want our life to be normal again / What do you take me—
MARY JANE AND STEVE: What do you take me for?
DR. GARDNER enters the waiting area at this awkward moment.
1 “In the original, these lyrics were: ’I don’t want to be your glass of single malt whiskey / Hidden in the bottom drawer.’”
2 “I changed the lyrics for when the song switches to Steve’s point of view. The original verse was: ’I don’t want to be adored for what I merely represent to you / I don’t want to be your babysitter / You’re a very big boy now.’”
MARY JANE AND STEVE: Visiting hours are nine to five
STEVE: And if I show up at ten past six, well I / I guarantee that there’ll be no way she lets me in and oh
MARY JANE AND STEVE: Mind the awkward silence with our backs toward each other / You see it’s too much to ask for and I / Am not the doctor
DR. GARDNER: (breezy) Hello, I am the doctor. But you can call me Clare. Are you ready to open your hearts?
MARY JANE AND STEVE: No I’m not the—
DR. GARDNER: So, what brings you here?
MARY JANE: I guess I just don’t see the point of this. I don’t think we need counseling. I’d say we’re probably the happiest of all our friends.
Steve buries his head in his hands.
STEVE: Oh boy...
MARY JANE: What?
STEVE: It’s just that you turn everything into a contest, even when it isn’t. We’re the happiest. You made the front row at spin class. Our son got into the best school. It’s like, we get it, Mary Jane, you’re winning at Candy Land.
MARY JANE: Jesus, Steve, that’s hostile! (to Dr. Gardner) I don’t know where this is coming from.
STEVE: (to Dr. Gardner) We haven’t had sex in almost a year.
MARY JANE: You’re really just putting it all out there right away, huh?
STEVE: That’s why we’re here.
MARY JANE: I thought we were here to talk about our marriage and kids. Why does everything have to be about sex?
DR. GARDNER: Sex and marriage can be inextricably linked.
MARY JANE: (exasperated) My grandparents were married for 71 years. All those decades they spent caring for each other—that wasn’t about sex. It was about family and about commitment and...