My doctor has prescribed a drug to treat my arthritic pains. To avoid any tedious legal implications, I will give it a fictitious name, Mortacc.
Like any responsible person, before taking it I read the accompanying leaflet, which tells you under what circumstances you must not use it—for example, if you’ve drunk a bottle of vodka, or have to drive an articulated truck from Milan to Sicily, or have leprosy, or are pregnant with triplets. Now, my leaflet suggests that taking Mortacc can cause allergic reactions, such as swelling of the face, lips, and neck, fatigue and giddiness, and in elderly people, falls, blurring or loss of vision, spinal damage, heart and/or kidney failure, and urinary problems. Some patients have threatened suicide and self-harm, and in such cases the leaflet recommends calling a doctor—presumably as the patient is about to leap from the window (though it might be preferable to call the fire department). Naturally, Mortacc can result in constipation, paralyzed intestine, convulsions, and, if taken with other medicines, breathing difficulties or coma.
Driving a motor vehicle is out of the question, as is operating complicated machinery or a machine press while standing on a girder on the fifty-first floor of a skyscraper. If you take more than the prescribed dose of Mortacc, expect to feel confused, drowsy, agitated, and restless. If you take less, or suddenly stop the treatment, you may experience uneasy sleep, headaches, nausea, anxiety, convulsions, depression, sweating, and dizziness.
More than one person in ten experiences increased appetite, nervous tension, confusion, loss of libido, irritability, attention loss, awkwardness (sic), memory impairment, trembling, speech difficulty, tingling sensation, lethargy and insomnia, fatigue, blurred sight, double vision, dizziness and loss of balance, dry mouth, vomiting, flatulence, difficulty getting an erection, swelling, feeling of intoxication, or unsteady movement.
More than one person in a thousand experiences a drop in blood sugar levels, distorted self-perception, depression, mood swings, difficulty in recalling words, loss of memory, hallucinations, troubled dreams, panic attacks, apathy, feeling strange (sic), inability to reach an orgasm, delayed ejaculation, difficulty forming ideas, torpor, anomalous eye movement, reduced reflexes, skin sensitivity, loss of taste, burning sensations, trembling, lowered awareness, fainting, increased awareness of noises, dryness and swelling of the eyes, runny eyes, abnormal heartbeat, low blood pressure, high blood pressure, vasomotor instability, breathing difficulty, dry nose, abdominal swelling, increase in salivation, heartburn, loss of sensitivity around the mouth, excessive perspiration, shivering, muscular contractions and cramps, articular pain, backache, pain in the limbs, incontinence, difficulty and pain in urinating, weakness, falling, thirst, tight-chestedness, altered liver function. Let’s forget what happens to fewer than one person in a thousand—it’s impossible to be so unlucky.
I avoided taking a single pill, as I was sure I’d be struck down immediately with housemaid’s knee, as the immortal Jerome K. Jerome had imagined, even if the information sheet made no mention of it. I thought of throwing the pills away, but if I put them in the garbage bin I risked mutating the mouse population with epidemic consequences. I put the pills in a metal box and buried it deep down in a park.
In the meantime, I have to say, my arthritic pains have gone.
2012