Interrupting the story for a quick word about girls
Magicians have not been very nice to women in the past.
It isn’t fair but it is true.
For a very long time, almost every woman you’d see in a magic show was the assistant. The job of the assistant was to look very pretty and wear very silly costumes and do all of the thankless jobs. Assistants got locked in boxes and stabbed with swords. They got sawn in half. They were made to vanish and float. They were stretched and twisted.
Obviously, these were all tricks and nobody got hurt. But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t a bunch of very talented women not getting credit for all their hard work. They would end up hidden in a secret compartment in a box trying not to smell their own farts. Meanwhile, the magician was on stage getting all the applause.
Don’t get me wrong, there have always been great women magicians. Adelaide Herrmann could catch six bullets fired by firing squad. Celeste Evans used to produce white dove after white dove without needing to wear a jacket or even sleeves. And Lady Frances only stopped performing magic so she could join the army and fight in World War II.
But despite all these amazing women, magicians were pretty rude to women both on and off the stage. One of the biggest magic clubs in the world, The Magic Circle, didn’t even let women join until 1991. They only got rid of this rule after a teenage girl dressed up as a boy and tricked them into making her a member.
Today, things are much better, and there are heaps of great women magicians in the world. There’s still room for more, but things are improving. All of this is a very long way of saying that, when I was a kid, it was very unusual for girls to want to be magicians, and it was also very rare that other magicians would let them.
‘Is this the magic club?’ the girl said, smiling shyly at the old magicians. She was dressed in a sparkly tutu with a striped top and denim vest covered in badges and enamel pins. On her feet were a pair of mismatched basketball shoes, one blue and one red.
‘Are you looking for someone?’ Cosmo said, answering her question in the most annoying way you can possibly answer a question: with another question.
‘Because the Girl Guides don’t meet here anymore,’ Magic Ian added.
‘They have moved into the new hall near the library,’ Horatio chimed in.
The girl looked down at the magic wand in her hand. ‘I’m a magician,’ she said, confused. ‘Isn’t this the magic club? The Brotherhood of United Magicians?’
Mr E stood up and walked over to her.
‘I’m afraid the brotherhood is a private club for members only,’ he said, stressing the word brother. It was clear what he was getting at. No Girls Allowed. ‘You really can’t be here. Where are your parents?’
‘What about him?’ the girl said, pointing to me, the smile still on her face. ‘He’s not a magician yet. He only knows one trick.’
I didn’t think that was very fair, even if it was true. Also how did she know I only knew one trick?
‘Actually,’ Magic Ian said, ‘Tricky Nick here is a very talented young conjurer who we are considering for membership.’
‘Oh, good!’ the girl said. ‘Then you can consider me too! I brought my stuff.’
She lifted her silver case in the air and shook it at the magicians. The faces of the assembled BUM members were turning red, both from embarrassment and anger.
‘Be that as it may, you really cannot be here. I’m so very sorry,’ Mr E apologised in a way that suggested he wasn’t really sorry at all. In fact, Mr E looked more annoyed than any of them.
But the girl had already put her case down on the ground and taken out a black cloth. She held the cloth in front of her like a bullfighter.
‘Watch,’ the girl insisted. ‘I’ve been practising forever.’
The girl looked behind the black cloth, blew gently and then whispered something under her breath that sounded like ‘Noo Noo Poo’.
Suddenly, a silver ball the size of a rockmelon appeared from behind the cloth, floating in the air. It bobbed up and down gently as if it were floating on water. Before anyone could move, the ball dropped back behind the cloth. Then it flew high in the air, pulling the black fabric with it. It would have hit the ceiling if the girl hadn’t been holding on to the corners of the cloth. She pulled the ball back down.
Then, the ball seemed to fly around the room, dragging the girl behind it like a dog pulling its owner on the lead. She bumped into tables and chairs and the large bookcase of magic books that sat in the open cage against the wall. The shelves wobbled and I was afraid the whole thing would tip over. Finally, she seemed to get it under control. She wasn’t just doing a magic trick, she was bringing the ball to life. She was telling a story about her and this ball without saying a word. I’d never thought that magic could be more than just tricking people.
The girl peeked behind the cloth, but suddenly the ball was gone. While she was still looking at the cloth, the ball popped over her shoulder. She turned and spotted the ball and gave it a dirty look. It rolled slowly across her neck, behind her head, down her other arm and back behind the black cloth.
Seconds later, she dropped the cloth to the ground and the ball was gone.
My mind was blown. I burst into applause. But I was the only one. The old magicians just sat there with their arms crossed, glaring.
‘You are very rude, young lady,’ Magic Ian said finally. ‘And I think you should leave right now. You nearly tipped over our bookcase.’
The girl turned and looked at the still wobbling bookcase behind her then back at the assembled magicians. Her face turned pink.
‘Barging in here like that—’ blustered Horatio.
‘—as if you had any right to be here—’ scolded Magic Ian.
‘—with absolutely no respect for our traditions,’ sneered Aces O’Connor.
The girl looked first at the magicians, then at me before picking up her case. She looked hurt and a little disappointed with their reaction, but then she seemed to shake it off. She gathered her props together and walked towards the exit. At the door, she turned to the assembled magicians, took a deep breath and gave them a friendly wave.
‘Well, thanks for having me,’ she said. Then she turned and left the building.
‘I’m so sorry about that,’ Mr E said to me after the girl had gone. ‘As you can imagine, the Brotherhood of United Magicians is an exclusive organisation.’
‘There are certain protocols that must be met,’ Cosmo agreed.
The others all nodded and made agreeing noises like they were clearing their throats.
‘Now,’ Horatio said, ‘with that unpleasantness behind us, shall we look at the minutes from the last meeting?’
‘Minutes?’ I said.
‘Oh yes,’ said Aces O’Connor. ‘We must keep minutes. And as the secretary—’
‘I believe you will find that I am secretary,’ Magic Ian said.
‘No, you’re the sergeant-at-arms,’ said Horatio. ‘You were elected at the annual general meeting.’
‘But I resigned at the extraordinary general meeting last month,’ Magic Ian said.
‘The motion never carried!’ shouted Horatio. ‘We’ve been over this!’
‘Where are the minutes of that meeting?’ Mr E suggested helpfully.
‘Well,’ said Aces O’Connor, ‘as the secretary—’
‘YOU ARE NOT THE SECRETARY!’ bellowed Magic Ian, and the meeting fell apart.
When I snuck out the door, they were still yelling.
No one noticed me leave.