CHAPTER 4
Fill ’er Up!
A group of elementary school children were once asked this question: “What did God use to make mothers?” Their collective answer was classic.
“Clouds, angel hair, and everything nice in the world… with a little dab of mean.”
Back when my kids were little, they might not have gone along with the clouds and angel hair part of that answer. I do suspect, though, that they would have agreed with the little dab of mean. They definitely had reason to. During my first decade or so as a mom (maybe even a little longer than that), I had a tendency to be what you might call “grouchy.”
I didn’t mean to be that way, of course. I love my kids just like all mothers do. So I always wanted to be patient and kind with them. Sometimes I was. But other times, I was just the opposite. Kind of like a maternal version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
I tried to change myself; I really, really tried. And if the poets are to be believed, I should have been able to do it. On Hallmark cards and such they often claim the love of a mother is the greatest, most unconditional, infinite love that exists. But as nice as that sounds, I can testify from personal experience, it’s not true. Human love, even when it’s coming from a mother, has its limits.
And I hit those limits a lot.
I probably hit them a little more often than other moms might because my emotional life was such a mess. Due to the years of abuse I experienced growing up, I was easily angered, and I felt frustrated much of the time. My mood could swing erratically from good to bad.
I knew there was a better way to live because I’d heard plenty of sermons about love in church. I’d also seen in the Bible how real love, the God-kind-of-love (which is far superior to natural mom-kind-of-love) behaves. As 1 Corinthians 13: 4-5, 7-8 says:
Love endures long and is patient and kind… it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails.…
Although I was still new in the things of God when I first read those verses, I wanted with all my heart to live them. I expected to do it too. After all, as a Christian I’m one of those people Romans 5:5 is talking about when it says God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us.
But things didn’t go as I expected.
While the kids were in school, I’d spend time listening to teaching tapes, praising the Lord, and getting very spiritual. And as long as I was alone in the house, I was as loving as can be. (Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to love others when you’re by yourself?) When the kids got home I’d be singing praise songs at the kitchen sink. But then they’d start slamming doors and dropping books and the praise songs would stop. Suddenly I’d explode in irritation. “What’s wrong with you kids?! Why can’t you be more careful? Blah… Blah… Blah!”
I felt awful about it, but it kept happening again and again. I couldn’t figure out what the problem was. Then one day the Lord explained it to me. “Joyce,” He said, “you walk around all day feeling bad about yourself and the pressure of it builds up so much steam inside you that the least little thing can set you off!”
I knew exactly what He meant. My mother had a pressure cooker when I was a little girl. It had a little metal disk on the top that would start jiggling and sizzling when it got hot. If I got close to it, my mother would say, “Don’t touch it! It might blow up!”
That’s the way I was with my children back then. It’s like I was walking around with one of those little metal things on top of my head, jiggling and sizzling. All the kids had to do was annoy me in some small way and I’d blow up, because deep down, I felt so bad about myself.
And why did I feel bad about myself?
One simple reason: I didn’t yet have a complete and personal revelation of how much God loves me.
You Can’t Give Away What You Don’t Have
Even though I was listening to teachings and reading about love in the Bible, I was still struggling with my understanding of God’s love. You see, I was mostly focused on what the Bible says about how we should love others. I concentrated on what it teaches us about giving love away. What I didn’t realize was this:
It’s impossible to give away something you don’t have. So to give God’s love to others, I needed to receive it myself first.
It’s impossible to give away something you don’t have. So to give God’s love to others, I needed to receive it myself first. That was something I hadn’t done. Even though I was saved and I’d attempted to have a relationship with God, my fellowship with Him had been dysfunctional. I hadn’t known how to receive His love, or anyone else’s for that matter. That’s why—as much as I yearned to walk consistently in the God-kind-of-love, not only toward my children but also toward my husband, my relatives, my neighbors, and even my enemies—I couldn’t put together a thimbleful of a decent love walk.
When God showed me what the problem was, I decided to do something about it. I spent an entire year studying and confessing what the Bible says about how much God loves me. During that year, I made it my primary goal to get firmly grounded on the foundation of His love. I spent time with the Lord purposely accepting His love by faith, and throughout the day I affirmed it over and over. I probably said 100 times a day, “God loves me!” I didn’t necessarily feel any different at first. But over time God’s love became a reality to me.
Maybe I was an especially difficult case. Because of everything I’ve been through, maybe I had to work harder at receiving God’s love than other Christian moms do. But even so, the basic principle I discovered is true for all mothers: If we want to pour out God’s love into the lives of our children, we must first receive it for ourselves.
In other words, if we don’t want to run out of gas when the road gets steep as the journey of motherhood seems long, we’d better pull into God’s love station every day and say, “Here I am, Lord. Fill ’er up!”
The Best Thing You Can Do for Your Family
I know what you’re probably thinking. You’re trying to figure out how you’re supposed to do this. As a mom, your schedule is already packed solid. How are you going to find the time to go to God and get filled up? You’re like the woman in the cartoon who’s consulting a psychologist for help. “Let’s see,” he says to her. “You spend 50 percent of your energy on your husband, 50 percent on your children, and 50 percent on your job. I think I see your problem.”
That cartoon is not only good for a chuckle, it makes a great point. When moms spend all of their time—and more—on everybody else and take no time for themselves, they start having problems. I see it happen all the time, not just with mothers but with ministers too. They’re so dedicated to meeting the needs of other people that they ignore their own needs. After a while, they begin to break down.
Sometimes they push themselves too much physically. They feel like they have so much to do they don’t take time to exercise and rest their bodies properly. Eventually, they get sidelined by fatigue, weakness, or sickness. Then everybody who depends on them suffers.
In my ministry, I’ve invested a lot of time encouraging believers to take care of their bodies. “It’s the house you live in.” I tell them. “If you destroy it, you have to leave!” Yet as important as physical health is, spiritual well-being is even more vital. You cannot do what God has called you to do without taking daily time to tend to it. That’s why as a mom the best thing you can do for your family is take time each day to fellowship with God. (We’ll talk about this more in the following chapters.)
That’s why as a mom the best thing you can do for your family is take time each day to fellowship with God.
I know it’s not easy. I know your children may want all of your attention all the time. But you can only give them the kind of attention they really need if you put your relationship with the Lord first.
One mom from Texas who recently shared her story would add a hearty amen to this. She decided 30 years ago that her children would be far better off if she dedicated the first hour of her day every day to God. At the time, her schedule was already hectic. She had a child in kindergarten, one in elementary school, and a stepchild in middle school. She also worked full-time and taught Sunday School. On top of all that, her husband traveled a lot and most of the household chores fell to her.
The only place she could find in her house to get alone with God was her bedroom closet. So that’s where she went early each morning, with Bible in hand, to pray. Because the devil fights us harder over our personal time with God than anything else, what happened next is no surprise. A pipe beneath the closet sprung a slow leak and perpetually soaked the carpeted floor. Although her landlord waited weeks to fix the leak, this mom refused to be stopped. She simply spread a big plastic garbage bag over the soggy carpet and continued to pray.
When she first started those prayer times, the family was a mess. Financial tensions and the stress of a blended family had left her harried and short-tempered. None of the children were interested at all in God and the older ones were beginning to have serious problems. But little by little, things began to change. As this mom spent time receiving God’s love for herself, the atmosphere in her home warmed and softened. Her patience and joy increased. Although she was still far from perfect, the new kind of love her children saw in her profoundly affected them. Soon they were all saved and in love with the Lord.
Today they still are. They’re following her example and raising her grandchildren in the ways of the Lord. When she goes to church on Sunday and looks up at the pastor standing behind the pulpit, she’s especially glad she spent all those hours fellowshipping with God receiving His love… because now her pastor is her son.
Countless mothers across this nation and around the world have similar stories to share. Each one of them would undoubtedly assure you that you shouldn’t feel guilty about taking time from your busy schedule to get alone with the Lord and receive His love. It’s the most valuable investment in your family you could ever make.
A Supernatural Cycle
I like the term investment because it represents a cycle of input, return, and continual increase. That’s what the cycle of God’s love is like: He invested His love in you by sending Jesus. When we invest the time to receive that love and love Him in return, the love inside you increases. You start seeing you differently and you’re more able to love yourself. (That’s a good thing! Jesus told you to love your neighbor as you love yourself, right?) You also have more love to give to others. Because God’s love is abounding within you, you can love everybody around you like Jesus does.
First John 4:10, 16-17 puts it this way:
In this is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation (the atoning sacrifice) for our sins. And we know (understand, recognize, are conscious of, by observation and by experience) and believe (adhere to and put faith in and rely on) the love God cherishes for us. God is love, and he who dwells and continues in love dwells and continues in God, and God dwells and continues in him. In this [union and communion with Him] love is brought to completion and attains perfection with us… because as He is, so are we in this world.
When you’re living in this cycle of love and your son breaks a window playing baseball or your daughter spills fingernail polish on the carpet, you don’t have to blow your stack like a pressure cooker. You can do something very different. You can let the love of God that’s in you flow like a river and bring peace to the situation. You can bring the correction you need to bring without over-correcting in anger. You can be so supernaturally patient and kind that your kids will think, Wow, Mom… What happened to you?
So give yourself permission to be like the disciple John. He made such a habit of getting close to Jesus that he actually called himself “the disciple whom Jesus loved” (John 13:23 NIV). At the Last Supper, he was the one leaning against Jesus’ chest.
Every mother needs time to herself to lean on Jesus. We all need to refill our hearts continually with the revelation that we are deeply, dearly, loved by God. And, as busy as you are, you’re no exception. You need to be reminded daily that…
• God so greatly loved and dearly prized you that He gave up His only begotten Son, so that you could believe in Him and not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).
• Jesus loves you just like the Father loves Him (John 15:9).
• No one has greater love or stronger affection than to lay down his own life for his friends—and that’s what Jesus has done for you! (John 15:13).
• Your heavenly Father Himself tenderly loves you, not because you do everything perfectly but simply because you have loved Jesus and have believed that He came from the Father (John 16:27).
• The Father loves you just as much as He loves Jesus (John 17:23).
• God proved His love for you by the fact that while you were still a sinner, Christ died for you (Romans 5:8).
• Nothing can ever separate you from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39).
• The Father has such an incredible quality of love for you that He chose you to be His very own child (1 John 3:1).
These are just a few of the Scriptures that talk about how much God loves you. I encourage you to use them to launch into your own study about His love. Take some time to get in the Word and get close to Jesus. Lean back on Him and say, “Here I am, Lord. Fill ’er up!”