LUKE HAD arrived a week ago and Nelson knew two things for sure—one, his dick was red and raw and probably going to fall off if he didn’t slow down. Second, he was totally in love with Luke. The former he could deal with; the latter wasn’t as easy to handle. It wasn’t as if he really had that much time to think about his feelings. Whenever he’d start, when old emotions started to bubble to the surface, Luke had an uncanny ability to sense it, and the next thing Nelson knew, he either was on his back, his knees, or pressed up against a wall with his dick down Luke’s throat.
They needed to talk. Nelson was no longer a child, couldn’t blame his current feelings or behavior on the immaturity of youth. He was and always had been in love with Luke—that would never change. The sex was off-the-charts scorching, but it was the tidal wave of emotions that always came up when Nelson was coming down from sexual bliss that had to be dealt with.
“I’m lonely,” Luke called out from the bedroom.
Nelson wrapped his hands around his mug and took a sip of his coffee rather than answer. If he did, Luke would use his charm, and Nelson would end up in bed. They’d be fucking Luke’s last day there away.
“I’m cold.”
“I have hot coffee to warm you up,” Nelson yelled back.
“I don’t want coffee. I want you to warm me up.” After a long pause, Luke obviously was changing his strategy because he added, “How about you bring me a cup of coffee?”
Nope, he wasn’t going to give in this time. Nope, nope, nope. Nelson took another sip. “I also have warm cinnamon bread,” he tempted.
“Ohhh, breakfast in bed.”
Nelson knew what, or rather whom, would be the feast. He wasn’t giving in. Instead he pushed to his feet and went to the warmer to retrieve the bread. He took it and a stick of butter to the table. Luke still hadn’t joined him, so Nelson kept busy by slicing the bread, serving it onto two plates.
By the time he had the table set, including two hot cups of coffee, Luke finally came stumbling out of the bedroom. His hair was sticking up, and impressions from the sheets were etched on his face. Luke may not have been happy about getting up, but there were certain parts of him that seemed to be really excited about it. Nelson ripped his gaze away from Luke’s groin.
“I can’t believe you left me in there all alone,” Luke grumbled.
“Poor baby, I’m sure you’ll survive. Have a seat,” Nelson instructed and pointed to the chair on the other side of the table. He didn’t trust himself if he sat next to Luke, felt his heat, took in his scent.
Luke huffed dramatically, but he did as Nelson instructed. His pout disappeared the instant his gaze landed on the coffee, and he happily picked up his mug and took a sip. He then picked up a piece of bread and sniffed it, his smile growing. “Okay, this kind of makes up for it,” he said and popped a big piece into his mouth.
“What time are you leaving?”
“I don’t want to think about that right now,” Luke said around another big bite.
There were plenty of things Luke didn’t want to talk about. Nelson wasn’t thrilled about it either, but he knew they had to. They’d been down this road before, living in the moment, allowing their dicks to guide them, and Nelson was painfully aware of how that turned out the last time. “I don’t want to either,” Nelson admitted. “I’ve enjoyed having you here, but it’s kind of hard to ignore the inevitable.”
“From the tone in your voice, I have a funny feeling we’re not talking about my trip home.”
“That’s part of it,” Nelson admitted.
Luke looked at Nelson with a wary expression. “And the other part.”
Luke had to know there was more. They’d been fucking like bunnies, eating, and binge-watching old classic horror movies when they were too exhausted to fuck and avoiding anything serious or difficult. But some things simply couldn’t be left unsaid. “Like I said, this past week has been great. After the last year, I needed some time to enjoy life, and I have, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been without stress.”
“I know,” Luke agreed. “You get this look on your face, and your body tenses when you start thinking about something. I know it’s about us, or rather me.”
“You know, this would be a lot easier if we were hooking up just to fuck and leave it at that, but you and I both know that’s impossible. Too much shit has happened in the past to just fuck. Feelings, good and bad, are always there waiting to be dealt with.”
“Do you mind if I put some pants on and get another cup of coffee before we go down that path?” Luke asked, sounding resigned to the fact he couldn’t get Nelson in bed this time.
“Sure, you go dress, and I’ll make more coffee.”
Luke nodded, holding Nelson’s gaze, but he didn’t get up. Nelson didn’t flinch, letting Luke see how serious he was about this. He refused to let Luke’s charm seduce him, although it wasn’t without difficulty. The years had been good to Luke, very good. He’d always been handsome, but years and wisdom made him even more so. Although the dimples still gave him a bit of a boyish look and they were the hardest to resist, somehow Nelson managed. After a few more seconds, Luke nodded again, apparently reading something in Nelson that had him up and moving.
Nelson waited until Luke turned before letting out a pent-up breath. It had taken every bit of willpower not to say “fuck it” and follow Luke and spend the rest of the day in bed with him. When he stood up and the fabric of his sweatpants brushed across his abused dick, it reminded Nelson of the soundness of his decision. He gritted his teeth. It was amazing how the soft cotton suddenly felt like coarse sandpaper. Nelson had another pot of coffee brewed and their mugs refilled by the time Luke rejoined him. Luke looked much less excited than he did earlier.
“Okay, I’m ready, but be gentle with me,” Luke said. His words were teasing, but his voice was tight, giving away how nervous he was.
“I don’t know how gentle I can be. If we were talking about sex, maybe.” Luke shifted in his seat and arched a brow. “Okay, that may be the wrong word choice, but you know what I mean.”
Luke didn’t even try to hide his sigh. “Yeah, I know.”
“Look, I’m not trying to force you here. If you don’t want to talk, then I’ll just have to deal, but honestly, do you think the fuck-buddy thing is going to work here?”
“You mean too much to me to call you that.”
Nelson wasn’t sure where it came from or why at that exact moment it escaped, but anger so intense came rushing to the surface that it nearly stole his breath and left him trembling. “When you say shit like that, I have a really hard time believing you.”
“I can understand that.”
Luke sounded so reasonable that Nelson wanted to fucking scream. It scared him a little how suddenly the anger had overwhelmed him. He tried shoving it back down so he could speak calmly and rationally, but now that the lid was off Pandora’s box, it refused to be shut. “I don’t think you do,” Nelson insisted. “I didn’t walk away from you and choose to never speak to you again. That leaves a bitter taste in a person’s mouth.”
“I’m not saying I understand how you felt, only that I understand why you have a hard time hearing me say certain things. I’m sure the heartbreak and pain I experienced pales in comparison to what you went through.”
“That’s because it was your choice, something you didn’t give me!”
“I know.”
For reasons Nelson couldn’t comprehend, that simple statement was the proverbial match to the keg of gunpowder, and his anger exploded. He jumped to his feet. “You don’t have a fucking clue, so don’t even pretend to act like you do. You ripped my fucking heart out. Not only did you yank it from my chest, but you stomped all over it. I don’t trust you. I’m not even sure if I like you because I don’t know you! I don’t even know if I want to know you. Anyone who can do what you did to someone he claimed to care about, to someone he grew up with and had at one time called a best friend, isn’t someone I would choose to associate with. I don’t know why you’re here, what you want from me, and how dare you expect anything from me.”
Well, that escalated quickly. Nelson had not planned on starting at that point, but slowly and reasonably leading up to it so they could deal with and work through the issues. But apparently his heart had other ideas, and he was unable to rein it back in. Surprisingly, he wasn’t the least bit sorry Luke was looking at him as if Nelson had just punched him in the face. Another thing that surprised Nelson was Luke stayed sitting in his chair, never looked away from Nelson, and didn’t interrupt. He sat there and took every hateful word Nelson threw at him instead of walking away.
Nelson didn’t think he had it in him, but a part of him was rejoicing at seeing Luke in pain. He felt vindicated and horrified in equal measures. However, it didn’t stop him from inflicting even more pain as he purged it from his soul and slung it at Luke with force.
“Goddammit, Luke, do you even realize how much I fucking hated you? I sat in my little apartment day after day with that fucking phone, waiting, wishing, hoping, but you never called. Each day I hated you more, and I think part of me still does. You come back in my life, force all those bad feelings out of me, force me to deal with them, and I don’t know if I can forgive you for that. For any of it. I don’t know what you want from me, but right now it feels like you only showed up to torment me all over again.” Tears were flowing, his breathing harsh, and he was trembling so hard he was sure he was going to shake apart. Standing there screaming and ranting like a madman while Luke sat there taking it, no tears, no words, breathing…. GODDAMN HIM!
The edges of Nelson’s vision went black and started creeping in until the nothingness took over, and he welcomed it.
LUKE JUMPED to his feet and rushed to Nelson mere seconds before his eyes rolled back in his head. Luke had his arms around Nelson, holding him tight when he collapsed. He eased them down onto the floor and carefully examined Nelson. Luke had seen the color intensify in Nelson’s face, watched as his breathing and shaking increased and could tell if he didn’t calm down, he was going to hyperventilate. Luke hadn’t dared tell him that. Besides, he seriously doubted Nelson would have heard him. But Luke heard Nelson. Heard every word, and as painful as they were, Luke deserved them and more.
Avoiding the tough issues probably hadn’t been the best idea. His intention was to reconnect on the easy part—their attraction—and holy hell, had they reconnected, time after time after time. But Nelson was a thinker, a brooder. How could Luke forget that? He should have known during the quiet times, when they were coming down from their bliss, Nelson would have been contemplating things. Looking at each event, each emotion, and each statement and turning it over and over, analyzing it. Nelson’s meltdown was Luke’s fault, plain and simple.
As was the reason behind it.
Luke gently brushed the hair from Nelson’s damp forehead. He wasn’t about to sit here and wallow in a pity party. He’d already done enough damage by not putting Nelson’s feelings first.
Nelson’s lids fluttered open with a dazed look in his eyes. It only lasted a second, and Nelson scrambled to get out of Luke’s arms. He nearly fell back on his ass, and Luke reached out to steady him. Nelson swatted his hand away. The color in his cheeks was evidence of Nelson’s embarrassment. Luke started to tell him there was nothing to be embarrassed about but snapped his mouth shut. It wouldn’t help.
He pushed up off the floor and sat in the chair. “Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not okay. I’m a fucking mess,” Nelson responded. He ran his fingers through his hair, then clamped his hands behind his head, glaring at Luke.
“Would you like me to give you a minute alone?”
“Yes… I mean, no, I…. Dammit, Luke, I’m not even sure what I’m feeling or what I need right now. Hell, I don’t even know where all that came from. I certainly didn’t plan on saying all that shit, and I damn sure didn’t expect to get so worked up that I fainted like a delicate Southern belle.”
Luke hung his head. “I went about this all wrong.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You and I have no problem with the physical attraction, and I thought if we made that the focus and had fun together like we used to, then it might be a little easier to deal with the other stuff. You know, like when we were young.”
Nelson slumped in the chair next to Luke. “You didn’t twist my arm. I was all on board for the fuckfest. But come on, we had to realize too much has happened between us and in the years we were apart to go back.”
“Of course I realized it, but I… I’m sorry, Nelson. I was a fool to leave you, a fool to walk away and not give you a choice.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m an idiot.”
“No, I meant, why did you just walk away. That was the hardest part for me. No explanation, no closure, nothing.”
“At the time, I honestly thought I was doing the right thing.” Luke held Nelson’s gaze, hoping Nelson would see the sincerity in his eyes. “I knew there was no way I could do what I thought I had to for my child. I couldn’t have stayed with Charlotte or been faithful to her. I was weak. I wanted you, and I kept thinking of you going on with your life and meeting someone else. That would have crushed me.” It still would. However, the more he thought about how to explain his actions, he realized there was no excuse for what he’d done.
Luke took Nelson’s hand and entwined their fingers. “I was going to say, I loved you too much to imagine you with anyone else. I can’t use that as an excuse for my actions. I have no excuse. I told myself I was doing it for you, to keep you from hurting, but I really did it for me. I was selfish and stupid. and I am so sorry, Nelson.”
Nelson didn’t say anything but, to Luke’s great relief, didn’t pull his hand away. After a moment, he nodded. “I’m glad you told me. I mean, it doesn’t take away all the pain—there is still healing to do—but it’s a start.”
“So you may even forgive me one day?” Luke asked.
“Maybe.”
“It’s a start,” Luke said, echoing Nelson’s words. “And here I thought it would be better to reconnect on a primal level first.”
“Figures a Brobdingnagian would want to go primal.”
Luke started to laugh. He hadn’t been called Brobdingnagian in forever. It made him ridiculously happy to hear the endearment pass Nelson’s lips. “Oh. My. God. I remember when you used to call me that,” he got out between snorts of laughter.
“It wasn’t a compliment, you asshole.” Nelson glared at him, but from the slight upturn of his lip, it was evident he was trying to hold back a grin.
The morning had been a rollercoaster of emotions, and Luke had no misconceptions the ride would be a smooth one. It still had a lot of ups and downs, twists and turns. However, after hitting such a low point, the fact they could cut up and laugh again was extraordinary. When Nelson lost the battle and started laughing with Luke, Luke knew they at least had a chance to move forward together.