––––––––
The music is all right, I guess. Fine... it’s way better than all right. I have to admit that they’ve put a lot of effort into this party. I never imagined that Axel moved in these circles. The house is spectacular, way too beautiful for students to be living in it. Huge, with a garden. Antique rugs and furniture all over the place. Nothing like the ramshackle, filthy college apartments of other cities. There isn’t a single poster on the walls, only nicely framed pictures. My eyes move quickly around the room. I would have put these things away for safekeeping before throwing a party. It’s not that I’m thinking about my classmates—I mean, my ex-classmates—from high school. I haven’t quite gotten used to the idea that it’s all over. Anyway, it’s not because of my awful ex-classmates, it’s just plain old common sense. But it’s clear that this is another world. People move with ease, as if they don’t even notice all the expensive things—and of course without putting them in any danger, either. For a while I just stand there, rooted to the spot. It’s for the best—my clumsiness and the good crystal won’t go well together.
Axel was waiting at the corner, as promised. I left the house without even knowing why. It’s not the first time; sometimes my feet have a mind of their own. When I saw him in the distance I wondered what would have happened if I had decided not to go to the party after all. It’s not even like I actually decided. Right after we said goodbye on the beach my mind stopped flipping between green and red. I went back to my towel, next to my book-parents, and got stuck at yellow. The thing is that with a stoplight yellow means something’s going to happen: it’s a warning that it’s about to change to stop. But for me yellow just means immobilization. Total brain shutdown. I would say—if I didn’t hate lying to myself—that I’d totally forgotten about the party, and Axel’s smile, and the way our eyes met while we sat at the empty end of the beach. I would say it, but I won’t, because I know it’s not true. I don’t even know what part of my brain, which wire threw the sparks that made me stand up and hurry away from the dinner table. The next thing I remember is seeing Axel in the distance, next to the phone booth. He looked so calm. If I hadn’t come, would he have waited there for me for a while? I suppose so. He sees me, and smiles, and tucks something into the pocket of his jacket. He waves.
And here we are, at the famous party that was supposed to be tiny. I’m beginning to wonder if the concept of a small party might be different for college students. I take note; after all, soon I’ll be a college student, too. Axel seems happy that I’ve come with him. Correction: he isn’t happy, he is overjoyed, and the god of misfits knows I don’t use that word lightly. He hasn’t stopped introducing me to people since we got here. I don’t remember a single name; I couldn’t even if I tried. I’ve seen too many faces, too many hands go by. I can’t take my eyes off of Axel. All of my attention has been focused on him for the last half an hour. He knows everyone! And here I thought he was a little odd. Honestly, I was sure he was a freak, but here they adore him. And no, noooo, it’s not that we’re dealing with a whole gang of freaks here. At least not the kind I’m used to. They’re nice, I can’t say that they’re not, but they make me feel so out of place. They all went to school someplace top-notch, that’s clear. Speaking in refined tones about things I don’t even understand. Now that I think about it, I don’t know where the hell I fit in here. As the freak of the party, I guess.
“What’s that face for?” Axel asks me quietly, with his perennial smile. He squeezes my hand affectionately. “I hope you don’t feel uncomfortable.”
I’m about to say that I have no reason to feel uncomfortable, but that would tell him that I am. I look at him and keep smiling. I wonder if he really likes me, and my own answer comes as a surprise. It’s clear that he does. You just have to look at him. I don’t understand it, I’ll never like myself... God, now I’m just rambling.
“You’re really not uncomfortable?”
“No.”
“So why won’t you stop fidgeting?”
I say nothing, and just give him the most natural smile I can muster. The umpteenth girl of the night comes over and greets Axel, letting her hand rest on his neck. Does she not see that we’re having a private moment? No, she doesn’t see, or she doesn’t want to see. It seems like it’s not just my parents who act like I’m invisible—it’s the rest of St Andrews, too. Great. I haven’t even started college life and I’m a resounding success. Axel’s fingers keep brushing against my hand. The little princess prattles on, and without thinking twice I take Axel’s hand just to make it totally clear that he’s all mine. Wait, really? Did I just call him all mine? Now I really am rambling.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Axel whispers softly to me.
I realize that I’m squeezing his hand much harder than necessary. The little princess has gone. He didn’t introduce me, but there was no need—I didn’t want to meet her, either.
Is he even more handsome than usual, or does it just seem that way to me? Dissie, try not to drool. I look around: so many pretty girls! And the outfits they’re wearing! It’s like we somehow slipped into the pages of a fashion magazine. Axel should have warned me. Here I am in one of my extra-large t-shirts—not like there’s much else in my closet. It’s like night and day: high heels, minidresses, makeup, and me in my jeans and t-shirt. Are they staring at me because of that, or because I’m with him? I guess it’s both: because I’m dressed like this and I’m with him. Wait a second, why didn’t he introduce me to the last girl? A million different far-fetched explanations occur to me, none of them good. I drop Axel’s hand and start fidgeting with my fingers again. I shouldn’t have come. Axel puts an arm around me.
“Having a good time?”
I nod and smile.
“I’ve never seen you smile like that.”
Special message for all you harpies: he’s with me. Who could say how long it must have taken the three giggling chatterboxes in front of us to do their hair? Blonde number three thousand walks over, goes up to Axel, and kisses him on the cheek before he even realizes she’s there.
“Hey, handsome,” she says, sounding like a femme fatale.
She walks off before he can even react. Once she’s a little distance away she looks back at him and smiles. Axel waves, his hand moving like a puppet’s. I hate her already.
“Do you want anything to drink?” Axel asks, but before I can answer we’re interrupted again.
“Axel, man! What’s going on?” shouts a guy with shaggy hair who walks toward us with the careless, even gait of a camel.
“Dissie, David,” says Axel, by way of introduction.
“Nice to meet you,” says David, but he only looks at me for half a second. “So how’s the novel going, man?” he asks Axel.
“Well, you know... not too bad, I guess. That’s something, right?”
“It sure is!” David gives Axel a slap on the back.
They both start laughing so loudly that several other guests turn and stare at us.
“I’m so jealous, man!” exclaims David.
“Let’s see if I can finish the draft by the end of the month, and then I can spend the rest of the summer on editing,” says Axel.
“You’re a machine! You already have a first draft?”
What draft? Great, now it’s not just the other guests whose conversations I can’t follow. I have no idea what Axel’s talking about, either.
“Yeah, the draft’s done... Just about, man.”
Axel is strutting like a peacock. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so proud. Or happy—is he happy? Suddenly I don’t recognize him. In fact, ever since we got to this party he’s been looking more like a stranger to me. I didn’t know he hung out with this kind of crowd, and I definitely didn’t know he had a draft of anything.
“Well, yours is going better than mine, then,” says David. “I’m blocked, man, I can’t even get my protagonist right...”
“Man,” “man,” “man”—that’s all I understand. What about me? Doesn’t he care whether I want something to drink or not? What about everything he told me yesterday, what he told me just this morning? Axel gestures wildly; he won’t stop talking about things I don’t understand, things that exclude me completely. What novel are they talking about? What draft? Since when does he like literature so much? He let go of my hand the moment he saw his friend. Okay, fine. I guess I should have known how much he likes literature, he made it clear enough at the beach when he knew how my parents had come up with the twins’ names. It’s obvious his friend has written something, or is writing it, right? But it seems like Axel is writing something, too.
I hear raucous laughter coming from the blond girl from earlier, the one with the awful femme fatale voice. She’s done her disappearing kiss on the cheek routine with a few other boys. The three standing next to her right now are about to slip and fall in puddles of their own drool. Not one glass but three—the queen of the party has three different boys offering her a drink. Meanwhile Axel has forgotten me entirely. The girl is shameless. I didn’t even know it was possible to bat your eyelashes like that. She doesn’t care for any of the three drinks being offered to her, no sir. The blonde puts her hand on the waist of a boy passing by. No, she doesn’t just put her hand there, she poses it. I realize that she has an elegance I’ll never have, not even if I died and was born again. That’s just how it goes. Now the blonde has lost interest in her three gallant suitors, and instead decided to take the drink right out of the hand of the boy who was walking by. He doesn’t get angry, he just joins the court of drooling admirers.
Axel and his friend go on talking about revisions and plots and I don’t even know what else. They’ve moved so close together that I’m totally left out. Axel has almost turned his back on me, and he doesn’t even realize it, which it turns out is worse than if he’d done it on purpose.
A girl comes over with glasses of all different colors on a tray and I pick one at random, without even bothering to ask what they are. I take a drink and the warm taste of alcohol suggests my next wrong move to me. From experience I know that whenever I decide to do something, it’s inevitably a wrong move that will end in one of three things: a regrettable error, something ridiculous, or both. But I’ve decided, and there’s no going back. I have to learn from the blonde goddess if I want to survive college. That’s my mission. Don’t laugh at yourself, Dissie, you can do it. Don’t take your eyes off her. I’m not going to ask Axel to pay attention to me; it has to be his own idea. It would seem, from watching my new teacher, that that’s the technique.
I pout at nothing even though it makes me feel truly ridiculous. I let my eyes wander a little and see a boy on the other side of the living room watching me. Quickly I look back down at my drink, cringing. Yeah, right, I’m just one step away from mastering the graces of the blond princess... It’s my fault. I never should have tried.
I hadn’t realized that the glasses were actually crystal. The rim of my glass is coated with blue sugar and garnished with a cherry. I pop it in my mouth and then stop, wondering if it was only supposed to be a decoration. Did I just demonstrate how vulgar I am by actually eating it? I miss Marion and Laura so much! They always came with me to the few parties I ever went to. I never thought I’d miss red plastic cups, people sitting on the floor, music so loud you couldn’t even talk. The posters that always had mustaches or some funny saying scrawled on them by the end of the night.
“Excuse me, I don’t believe we’ve met.”
There’s a boy in a tweed jacket standing in front of me.
“I’m Carl.”
“Dissie,” I hold out my hand but tuck it quickly behind my back when I realize my fingers are covered in sugar. “Eurydice,” I explain.
“What a charming name, Dissie.”
The boy takes my arm so he can get to my hand. He kisses my closed fist. I feel sticky sugar between my palm and the tips of my fingers.
“May I call you Dissie?” I nod. “I didn’t want to leave a girl like you all alone. It would be a sin.” I try my best to smile, but I’m not sure I’m pulling it off. “It would be a sin if you believed in sin, I mean.”
The boy lets out a guffaw that sounds like a pig snorting.
“What did you say your name was?” I ask, trying to ignore the nasal echo.
“Carl. What school are you in, beautiful?”
“What?”
Beautiful? Where did that come from?
“Yes, what department? You know—school, department... Here we call them schools.”
“Oh, I’m starting in Math this year.”
“Interesting. The world is pure mathematics, no matter how much it pains us to admit it.” He traces pretentious circles in the air with the glass of red wine in his hand. “Numbers gave rise to the universe, that’s what some people say. I, on the other hand, think that they were the first sick joke the gods played on us humans. They get bored, you know, they like to see us suffer.” The nasal laughter erupts again, more loudly this time. There’s an uncomfortable silence. “The gods, I mean. Life on Olympus must be pretty boring.”
Carl stares at me while I try to sneak a glance at Axel. It would be nice to know that he was keeping an eye on me. Is he pretending that he doesn’t know me, like he said we could? I know that was only a joke to convince me to come with him. But why does he even want me here? I glance over at his profile and it’s like I’m seeing him for the first time.
“I’m in my last year of post-grad,” Carl’s voice pulls me roughly away from my thoughts. “Theology Department, better known as the School of Divinity—I’m sure you’ve heard of it.”
How is it possible to have such a pompous accent? Carl’s vowels are so round they seem like soap bubbles about to burst.
“Sorry, I got distracted,” I say, shaking my head. I’m feeling a bit dazed.
“I’m a history of religion major. I’m interested in religions as anthropological phenomena, you know? My thesis is on ancient eastern religion, the interrelation between...”
I can’t keep myself from looking over at Axel again, but he doesn’t even know I’m watching him. I guess this just proves what I’ve been afraid of for months now. What I describe to my friends as the big crash. That moment when you realize that everything you’ve gone through with someone has been nothing but overtime, not even part of the real game. To avoid the big crashes you have to know how to enjoy things a little bit, but only a little bit. You can’t get too attached, because then you want more and more until one day you’re singing with your arms outstretched and the Ferris wheel screeches to a halt and you go flying... Axel is ignoring me. I think I’m already in mid-air.
“You’re distracted again. That’s all right, it’s a normal reaction to feeling overwhelmed.”
I look back at Carl. He keeps stroking his wineglass with those thick fingers.
“What? Overwhelmed how?”
As ridiculous as it is, Carl’s words actually hurt me. I look him in the eye for the first time. His eyes are black and tiny, like two nervous marbles behind his thick glasses.
“It’s normal to feel overwhelmed.”
“I’m not overwhelmed.”
“It’s hard at first. Professors, courses, societies, dances, games of golf, fencing...” Carl’s skin is so pale I can see tiny little veins spidering across his face. “Don’t worry,” he says, “by the end you’ll be just like the rest of these girls.”
He keeps gesturing pompously with his glass. His beady little eyes move from the little princesses of the party down to my shoes. He’s staring right at my flats.
“I’m sure by the end you’ll be even better than they are. You have a lot of potential. Dissie. Eurydice. Eurydice, nymph of the forest...”
“The party’s full of girls, why did you come talk to me?”
Carl’s tiny eyes flinch behind the lenses.
“You’re going to blow me off just like that?”
“Yes,” I answer curtly.
I’m angrier than I’d like to admit. I know Carl isn’t the only one to blame for this mental storm cloud.
“Such passion! I said you were different.”
Axel looks over at me for a second; Carl’s words have gotten his attention.
“Sorry, Carl,” I try my best to sound agreeable.
“No big deal,” Carl rests his big hand on my shoulder. “Like I said, it’s just first-year nerves. I’ll give you a hand if you want, soon enough we’ll be eclipsing everyone else. We can start by choosing a society.”
Now Axel is paying attention to my conversation. His friend is still talking but I know he isn’t listening to him, he’s hanging on my every word. A small triumph for humanity, a great triumph for Eurydice. Thank you, god of the misfits!
“Is it hard to choose a society?” I ask in a syrupy voice, though I’m not interested in the least. Just for the pleasure of knowing that Axel is listening.
“This year there were 140, and counting.”
“Really! So many?”
“They cover a wide range of interests, so choosing one can be a staggering task.”
Carl lifts his glass to his lips with a clearly audible slurp, and suddenly my only desire is to get away from this toad in tweed as soon as possible.
“Whatever, I won’t join any of them.”
My tone can’t hide the repulsion I’m feeling... Axel has turned back to the conversation with his friend. This sort of game really isn’t for me.
“You’d be making a mistake.”
“What does it matter? I’ll just pass on societies.”
“Really big mistake. Let me explain. That would be like saying that you couldn’t choose from all the options, or that you didn’t fit into any of them, which would be even worse.”
“How can something you do in your free time be so important?”
“That’s your second mistake. It’s more than just your free time—the societies are a social environment. Your society will be the sphere in which you socialize, and that’s how other people define you. So you can see it’s no small thing.”
I look around desperately for an escape route. I feel like I’m in the middle of a natural disaster. My eyes meet Axel’s. Aren’t you going to come save me from this bore? It feels like we can communicate without words. I see jealousy in his eyes! I fake a laugh and touch Carl’s arm.
“Well, I’ll have to find a society, then!” Being nice is always a titanic effort. “And if not, I can always start my own society of misfits, right?”
“Misfits?”
“Misfits, yeah. We have our own god and everything...”
“How interesting!”
“The god of the misfits...”
“We’ll have to have a ceremony to welcome him to the pantheon. I’ll propose it to my theological colleagues.”
Carl bursts into laughter again, his wild-boar grunts echoing. I force myself to laugh with him.
“You’re just brilliant, Carl.”
Did that sound as stupid as I think it did?
Carl stops laughing and strokes my cheek. Axel is watching, but I can’t help jumping back to keep the creep from touching me. It’s pure instinct.
“Come on, don’t get mad. Why don’t I take you out for a drive and you can tell me more about this god of yours? My Lambo’s right outside.”
Lambo? What’s wrong with the word car?
“No, thank you, I’m here with someone.”
As I reach for Axel’s hand I realize I’m the biggest idiot in the universe. There can’t be anyone better qualified. To put up with Carl this whole time and then give up the game...
“Excusez-moi, mademoiselle!”
What a clown. Axel is holding my hand but he isn’t even looking at me, he’s still talking with David. He’s so obviously blowing me off that Carl gives me a half-smile.
“Well, if you get bored and feel like going for a ride, just say the word, all right?”
The wolfish look he gives me makes me shudder. Yeah, I’ve been an easy mark. After a second Carl leaves and I’m all alone with that shrinking feeling you get at times like these. I might as well be a shopping bag, the way Axel is holding my hand. Actually, I think he might care more about a shopping bag. I look around at the other guests; some of the people Axel introduced me to smile from the other side of the room. The objects around me seem to get bigger and bigger. Carl said it: I am different, but not in a good way. I’ll never have even a tenth of the glamour of the ugliest girl at this party. Deep down I’m not really sure I want to be like any of them—they’re the exact opposite of me. But a pit of doubt still yawns at my feet, infinitely powerful, trying to suck me down to the center of the earth. I’d never been aware of how awkward I am. I’d never stopped to think about the way I move or noticed how I always stand with my feet turned in. That sort of thing didn’t matter until I found myself in that imbecile Carl’s world. That revolting slug. He didn’t even have to say it. The way he looked at my feet with those tiny little eyes hidden behind his glasses was more than enough.
“She’s starting in Math this year.”
Axel is talking to David about me. I pull myself free, cross the room in a rage, and go out onto the porch. The little paper lanterns make me even angrier; I can’t stand pastels. Feeling the breeze on my face doesn’t help. Hearing the laughter erupting in different parts of the living room... every little thing pushes my bad mood to new heights.
“What’s wrong?”
It’s Axel, I don’t have to turn around to see him. I could recognize his voice anywhere. Even asleep I’d know his voice.
“Nothing,” I say, looking out at the dark garden.
“Nothing?”
“Nothing at all.”
Axel sighs and I turn slowly toward him, my gaze defiant.
“What did I do?” he asks patiently, leaning on the porch railing.
“I don’t need you to be patient with me, you know? You don’t have to make the effort.”
“I’m not. Dissie, what’s going on? Have I done something?”
Now his voice is sweet, which infuriates me even more.
“I don’t know. I can’t really think of anything. Wait, let me see... Ignore me? Treat me like a little child? Share the details of my life with everyone? Invite me to someplace where I don’t know anybody and then blow me off? Stop me when you don’t want to hear any more reasons.”
“But I only told David what you were going to study! What’s wrong with that?”
“No one forced you to invite me to this party if you’d rather have gone alone.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You heard me.” The words scratch my throat as they force their way out.
I look at Axel next to me, on this unfamiliar porch, and I can’t figure out why he’s with me. Carl made it pretty clear that I’m an ugly duckling. According to him I’ll be a beautiful swan one day, but I doubt it, personally. Now my duck feet hidden inside my flat shoes are turning in toward each other—I can’t stop them, and I don’t want to try.
“Sorry,” Axel touches my hand gently, “I didn’t think you’d mind. Helping you meet people seemed like the right thing to do, so you could fit in.”
“I can fit in on my own!”
Pride flashes in my eyes. I don’t let go of Axel’s hands, but I’m so tense I can’t even feel his touch.
“Yeah, I saw how you try to fit in.”
Axel’s tone is bitter—so he did notice my little chat with Carl. It did matter to him.
Not a word crosses the space between us. I lose track of time, I can’t tell whether our silence has lasted a few seconds or a thousand minutes. What a way to face up to reality! I’m nothing compared to the girls at this party. What is he even doing with me? I’m an idiot. There are not enough words in the dictionary to describe what an idiot I am for letting it get this far.
“Axel!”
It’s one of the little princesses. She calls his name shrilly and he looks at her and shakes his head. She disappears.
“Please tell me what I did. Why are you angry?”
He sounds calmer than he did a little while ago, but I don’t answer. It’s not that I don’t want to talk, I just can’t find the words.
“I hate when you shut yourself up inside your shell,” Axel murmurs, and lets a loud sigh out into the empty night.
“You acted like I wasn’t even there. You took me around like a pet, you totally blew me off. I saw how you looked at those girls and how they looked at you, and know what? You didn’t have to invite me. I wouldn’t have cared. I’m hardly the first person to move to a new city for college, I can make my own friends. I don’t need you to introduce me to people.”
That’s just like me, no middle ground: either I can’t find the words or they all explode out of me at once.
“What do you mean? I was only talking with a friend, I didn’t mean for you to feel left out. Besides, you could have joined in the conversation.”
“Sure, if I had any idea what you were talking about...”
Suddenly—and I’ve got no idea how—we’re fighting. This has never happened to us before. It’s not an intense conversation, it’s a real fight. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t stop myself from hurling accusations at him like cannonballs. Who is Axel? How did we get to this point? Better yet, how did I get to this point without knowing anything about him? This is the way life is: it waits until you’re feeling strong to really punch you in the gut. It waits until you’re feeling strong to show you that you’re the weakest link. That’s my punishment for coming to this party floating on my own personal cloud nine. Whoever falls in love is bound to lose, I’ve always known that. But I refuse to accept that I’m on the losing side this time.
“Come on, Dissie. Don’t be childish.”
Axel tries to hold onto me. I guess he wants to give me a hug, but all I want is to run away. I’ll do it. This time there will be no mistake. I will stand firm. Now there really is no going back. I’ll leave for good, just as soon as I finish telling him the truth to his face—I have to at least make sure he knows how selfish he is.
A couple tries to come out on the porch but they hurry back to the living room as soon as they notice us arguing.
“They’ve been fighting for a while now.”
The comment floats out to us, followed by laughter that means the whole thing is too banal to be worth noticing. We’re the superficial attraction of an even more superficial party. The music goes on playing, mingling with conversations about theses, horses, vacations in exotic places. The world keeps spinning, even though my heart has stopped.
“We’ll have to go out for a smoke some time, right?” someone says from the living room, just loudly enough for us to hear.
More laughter follows the wisecrack. I’m sick of being the butt of the joke, tired of having only two options in my life: invisible woman, or fool.
“Dissie, please...”
Axel speaks to me as calmly and sweetly as ever. If my world hadn’t just fallen apart I’d think I really matter to him, that his gaze is sincere. His eyes wait for my answer, but I’ve got nothing else to say. I feel totally empty. Mechanically I push his arms away. I don’t know when he managed to embrace me. I can tell from his face that now my eyes are dark gray, stormy gray, merciless. Finally our fingertips separate, and I turn my duck-feet away and get out of there as fast as I can.
Axel leans on the railing and watches me. The curtains flap in the breeze, spiraling and dancing in and out of the living room. I don’t look back. I know he’s watching me but I don’t look back, I’ll never look back again. I walk toward Carl without really knowing why; my brain no longer controls my actions; my body no longer seems to have a soul. I don’t have to say a word. He takes my hand and we go out. In the distance I hear voices telling Axel to let me go, to forget about me. It all seems like a bad dream, as if it were happening to someone else, not to me.