| |
I heard a knock at the door to my little office, then it opened.
“Hey Rach,” Janice said, leaning in. “The girls and I are going out tonight. We were wondering if you’d like to come?”
I fought down an irrational urge to snap at her. I’d been so emotional lately, for absolutely no reason, and Jan was one of my best friends. “Thanks anyway. I was thinking I might have a night in.”
She pulled a face. “I know Dan’s away. We just thought you might like to get out and have fun while you can.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I snapped. “That I can’t have fun while Dan’s around?”
She rolled her eyes. “You said it, not me.” She stepped inside and closed the door. “But now that you have said it, yes” she said, voice low, “that’s exactly what I was thinking.”
“Dan and I are perfectly fine, thank you. I have lots of fun while he’s around.”
She didn’t say anything, just crossed her arms and arched an eyebrow.
“No really. I just don’t want to go out tonight.”
“And you’re not having any problems with Dan?” Janice asked. “Cause you know, I’m here for you if you are.”
“No! Jeez.”
“Why are you so defensive, then?”
“Maybe because you roll your eyes every time you talk about him, and say I can do better,” I snapped, my blood pressure rising.
“I call ‘em like I see ‘em, babe. You know I’m right.”
My chin trembled. None of my friends liked Dan. They never had. In fact, I’d been asked many times what I was doing with him. But my friends were all pretty—they had lovely eyes, or great figures, or personality up the wazoo. Something that guys would like. They didn’t understand that my choices were a lot more limited.
Chase had been an anomaly. So what if in dim lighting and after several drinks we’d slept together? That didn’t mean he would want to see me, ever again. At least with Dan I had something. But how did I tell Janice that?
She pouted. “Come on, girl. You deserve a night out. You need a little fun in your life. Besides, you look great today. Why waste it on an empty apartment?”
I sighed. She wasn’t going to take no for an answer, was she? I looked down at myself. And I did like this dress... “Do you have any idea where you want to go?”
Janice clapped her hands. “We hadn’t talked about it yet. Is there anywhere in particular you’d like to go?”
“Actually,” I said hesitantly, “there is this one bar...”
* * *
All day, I tried to convince myself there was no special reason why I’d chosen the bar in which I’d met Chase. It was a fun place. That was all. I had good memories of the one night I’d spent there.
Besides, their drinks were well-priced. Why shouldn’t I want to go back?
“I guess this is cute, in a shabby chic sort of way,” Janice said dubiously when we walked through the door. Her face brightened considerably when she saw the happy hour specials, which were just about to start.
I nodded absently, scanning the room while trying to make it look as though I wasn’t. It was too early for him to be here, wasn’t it? He wasn’t the happy hour type.
Beth, one of the other girls from the office, managed to snag a table. She ran over as a group got up to leave, not looking at all embarrassed as she hovered until they had left the area and she could wave us in behind her. “This place must be popular,” she exclaimed as we sat. “It’s only a little after eight and already it’s packed. Jan said you’d been here before?”
I nodded, a small smile crossing my lips before I could hide it. “I had a really good night here a couple of weeks back.”
“Oh, Dan took you?”
The smile fell. “Yes I guess he did,” I said, frowning. “Though he kind of walked out half way through the night.”
“Doesn’t sound like that good a night,” said Beth dubiously.
I coughed. “Actually,” I said blushing, “that’s when the fun started.”
The girls all squealed in unison. “Oh, do tell!”
“You found a young college stud,” said Janice with wide eyes.
“No, he was probably an older guy!” interjected Sara.
Beth suddenly clapped her hands. “I bet he asked you to dance! Did you kiss him?” Then she held up her hands for silence. “Wait, was it another girl?!”
Every eye at the table turned to me. I turned a deep shade of crimson. “I think I need a drink,” I said quickly. “I’ll get the first round, shall I?”
I walked to the bar through a chorus of disappointed mutters.
If I’d hoped the girls would have moved on to other topics when I returned, I was sadly disappointed. Their line of questioning resumed as soon as the tray of martinis landed on the table.
“So,” said Janice with a little grin. “You were saying something about a mystery man just before you left?”
I’d had 15 minutes to compose myself while I waited for the drinks. “Nice try,” I smirked at her. “I said nothing of the sort.”
“But there was a guy, after Dan left, wasn’t there?”
“What makes you think that?”
Janice shrugged. “Because you deserve it. Rach, you know we all think he’s an ass, don’t you?”
I pulled a face as I sucked liquor off the olive from my martini. “You make that abundantly clear every time his name comes up. Why do you hate him so much?”
The table went quiet. I looked up suspiciously. “What?”
Beth coughed, then looked down. Sara was studiously inspecting graffiti scratched into the table.
“What?” I asked again, more forcefully.
“Nothing Rach, just forget I said anything.”
I looked at Jan, eyes narrowed. “Janice Evelyn Smith,” I growled. “Spill it—what do you not want to tell me?”
She avoided my eyes. “Dan’s away this weekend, isn’t he?”
“Yes. He’s got a business conference,” I said primly. “Why do you ask?”
She didn’t answer the question, but instead asked another. “They do business on the weekend, do they?”
“It’s some sort of retreat thingy, apparently. Dan said it was super important.”
She raised a manicured eyebrow. “Rachel, Dan sells tiling. Nothing is that important.”
“Well, why else would he be away?”
“Rachel...” she drew a deep breath. “So Paul was out shopping with his sister the other day. They were looking for homewares for her—you know, because she’s building a new house?”
I nodded impatiently. Paul was Janice’s fiancé. And Janice was taking a very long time to get to the point.
“Anyway, they were walking past The French Bean, that little French patisserie place at Whitepoint in Flushing. They do really good coffee there, by the way. Great cakes and French croissants and...”
“Jan,” I cut in. “You’re rambling. What does this have to do with Dan being away?”
Her fingers started twirling a napkin. “Paul thinks that... um... thinks that he saw Dan there.” She looked at me, and then rushed on. “With another woman.”
I waved her worries away. “That’s ridiculous. What would Dan even be doing in Flushing?”
“Apparently, quite a few things that aren’t really appropriate in public.”
“Paul was mistaken.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think so. He was pretty definite, to the point where he came home and asked if you two had broken up. The girl was some thin blonde number. He said she looked like an airhead, and giggled every second sentence.”
That sounded just like Liz... An image of that waitress Dan had flirted with the last time we were here sprang unbidden to my mind. If he would do something like that in my presence, what might he do when I wasn’t around? And he had lied to me about taking Liz to the conference.
I pushed the thoughts down. “I’m sure you’re mistaken,” I said firmly. “Dan’s not like that.”
Janice looked at me dubiously, but let the conversation drop.
“I’ll, ah, get us another round!” volunteered Beth. Her drink was only half finished, but she drained it in one long gulp.
I reminded myself I was out to relax and have a good time, and by the time Beth returned the conversation was back to normal. My friends had made it a point to invite me out, and they genuinely cared for me.
I considered briefly about telling them why this place was so special to me, but quickly decided not to. This was where Dan had broken up with me, and I didn’t want to go down that line with them again—it was too close to our previous conversation. Besides, if they were suggesting Dan was cheating on me, how would they take the knowledge that I had cheated on him? I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.
They would want to know more about Chase, too, if I told them the truth about why we’d come here. In fact, the more I thought about it, coming here had just been one big mistake. There was a reason I hadn’t called Chase. Did I want him to ignore me across a crowded bar? At least if I never saw him again I could maintain the illusion that there might have been something between us, if only I’d been braver.
I wondered idly if they had karaoke on tonight, and then suddenly hoped they didn’t. It wouldn’t be the same, without Chase. And I didn’t want to see him again, remember?
The girls were talking about their boyfriends. Janice and Beth were both in long-term relationships, while Sara was single but always dating somebody new. I tuned back into the conversation.
“The last guy,” Sara was enthusing, “he lifted me up and pushed me up against the wall in the middle of it all and kept right on going. It was so hot I almost passed out.” We all tittered, imagining the scenes with our respective partners. Strangely enough, Dan was not the partner that sprang to my mind.
“Paul never does things like that,” Janice said wistfully. But then she brightened. “He does do this one thing though, where he grabs my hair and tugs...”
“Ooh!” I chimed in suddenly. “Have you ever had someone grab your hair by the nape of the neck?”
“No,” she said.
The girls leaned in. “It’s good?” asked Beth.
“So good. Seriously, you have to tell Paul and Sean to try it sometime. Not too hard, just a gentle tug. It’ll send shivers all down your spine.”
Janice looked at me appreciatively. “I never knew Dan was such a good lover.”
“Oh.” I said, suddenly blushing. “Yes... um, Dan. Sure.”
She gave me a suspicious look, but let the conversation continue its course without commenting.
Sara was now talking about how this latest guy had made her have two orgasms in one night. All I could do was think of Chase; the way he had made me feel the night we were together. What a tale I could tell, if only I dared! I’d once thought two orgasms to be the height of a night well spent. Now I realized it was only the beginning.
Then again, I thought, stirring the olive in my drink, most of the time I didn’t even have one. Dan didn’t last long enough to do more than thrust himself briefly upon me. Didn’t last long enough, or didn’t care.
At least I knew Liz wasn’t getting good sex this weekend, if that’s what was occurring. It was a small consolation.
The rest of the table ordered a third drink, but I passed, still only partway through my second. I’d never been much of a drinker, and lately I hadn’t been feeling the best. Better to be the sober one of the group—the thought of yet another queasy morning was more than I could deal with right now.
Love Shack came on over the speakers and I began to tap my fingers, looking across the slowly filling room. Sara was regaling the girls with another tale of her latest one night stand, but broke off suddenly. “What are you looking for?” she asked.
“I’m sorry?” I asked, my head swinging to look at her.
“Your eyes keep going to the door every time it opens. Are you waiting for somebody to get here? Is that why you suggested we come?”
I shook my head. “No, not at all. Sorry. I’m just distracted. I see people out of the corner of my eye and jump. That’s all.”
“You know, you’ve never been a very good liar,” Janice said with a smile. “Come on, we’re on our third drinks—it’s time for you to spill it.”
”I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
All three rolled their eyes. “The mystery man you met last time you were here,” Beth said. “Don’t think we’ve forgotten.”
I sighed. “What do you want from me?”
“Details,” said Janice immediately. “Was it a bartender?”
My cheeks started to burn. “No, not a bartender.”
“But you did meet someone, didn’t you? It’s okay, you can tell us,” she cajoled.
It would be nice to tell someone—to relive that moment again, if only with the girls.... “Fine. Maybe there was a guy, last time I was here. He was just... really kind to me. He bought me a drink on my birthday. I was hoping to thank him, that’s all.”
“Mmm-hmm,” Beth said, nodding. “Sure.” The girls all tittered, but left me alone, sensing I wouldn’t spill any further beans.
We moved onto other things, and as happy hour drinks started to take effect, the dance floor began to fill with people. The Beach Boys came on, and Janice began to tap her feet. She eventually leapt up to dance. “Come on!” she said, trying to pull me up. Sara and Beth jumped up, too.
“I’m not much of a dancer,” I said, resisting her tugs. “I think I’ll get a glass of soda water and chill. I’m just really tired.”
Janice rolled her eyes, but was good enough to leave me alone without picking a fight.
I watched as the girls danced. It was good to see them having fun, and had been good to talk, albeit indirectly, about Chase—to share the secret with someone.
Dan had humiliated me for most of that night; ignoring me, leaving me to sit alone on my birthday. He’d even told me to ‘go back to the bar’ so he could hang out with his friends. I shuddered at the memory of how nasty he’d been.
But I’d survived all that, hadn’t I. I’d stood up to him and told him off; called his bluff and made him fold like a cheap suit. So why was I still with him now?
Because he’d stolen the wind from my sails. When he’d been the one forcing the hand, it had been so easy. I hadn’t had a choice! But when I’d walked in after that night with Chase and found him sitting there... well, sometimes it was much harder to do the breaking up, than have it done to you. Because you had to live with the knowledge that you could be making the wrong choice—you could be wasting something you’d put years of effort into—instead of just having the decision made for you.
Dan was the devil I knew. I’d developed coping mechanisms for handling him. I knew how to make myself invisible, so he would leave me alone. It was comfortable, even when it made me uncomfortable.
The thought made me miserable. When push had come to shove, had I folded just the same way Dan did?
I looked at my friends, having fun on the dance floor. I loved them, but none of them could ever really understand. They were pretty, slim, smart, confident. They walked around in cute little dresses and short skirts with mile-high heels and took pleasure in how beautiful they were. They were feminine, even sexy. I had never felt that way, no matter how hard I tried. No matter what I wore, I felt like an impostor.
Except with Chase. I’d believed in myself when I was with Chase. I’d felt sexy, hot, desirable. A man like him, who clearly had the world at his fingertips and a brownstone in Central Park, wanted me.
And then I’d never called. I kept telling myself that it was because I knew the answer anyway. But by not calling, hadn’t I really just guaranteed that answer, beyond a shadow of a doubt?
Maybe that was why I’d come here tonight. I was inexperienced in these things, but even I knew after two weeks a person moved on. But if I just happened to bump into him...
But he wasn’t here, was he? He might be out of the country somewhere, or in LA or Miami. He’d told me he rarely spent a lot of time in New York.
Maybe it was just as well—we’d never be able to recapture that magic. The electricity between us had crackled so fiercely I didn’t think I’d ever recapture it as long as I lived.
“Hey!” Janice sat down, breathing heavily. “Having fun, sitting here alone?”
“Stop,” I said, waving her off. “Don’t push me, okay? You know I’m not Little Miss Dance Party.”
“I do. I’m just giving you a hard time.” Janice looked around. “This is a decent place. Maybe we should get some food?” She was already drunk hungry.
I thought back to dinner with Chase—probably the nicest meal I’d ever had. He’d ordered a little birthday cake for me...
Janice snapped her fingers in front of me. “Earth to Rachel? Where are you right now? Why do you keep zoning out?” Janice’s face was inches from mine.
I sighed. “I was just wishing I could be more like you girls. You know—confident, coordinated... or at least not caring if anybody thought I was a good dancer. I wish I could have fun and not care what anybody thinks.” And if I didn’t care what anybody thought, I wouldn’t feel so ashamed over them knowing what a mistake my relationship was.
“Honey, nobody cares except for you,” Janice said briskly. “You have to start being nicer to yourself. You’re so critical! I promise, nobody sees you the way you see yourself. You’re beautiful and smart, we all think that.”
Not everybody. That was the problem, wasn’t it? I was with someone who didn’t see me that way, and had lost my chance with Chase, who did.
“I wonder which comes first,” Janice mused. “The low self-esteem it takes to find somebody who doesn’t value you, or the low self-esteem you feel because the person you’re with doesn’t value you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Jan, I don’t want to have this argument right now.”
“You know Dan’s not at a conference this weekend, don’t you. Or at least, not like you think he is, anyway.”
I froze. “You’re drunk.”
She shook her head. “I’m not. But I am just relaxed enough now to tell you what we all think. You need to leave him, Rach. He’s no good for you, and he doesn’t do right by you.”
I should have been angry at her, but instead I just felt... tired. “What do you want me to say, Jan? I’m... I’m not an idiot. But things are complicated.”
“Not that complicated,” she replied. “He’s a dick, he treats you bad, and he’s cheating on you right this very minute. Dump his sorry arse and move on with your life. You’re better than that.”
I looked down. “Even if I did the same—kissed someone else—the other night?”
She didn’t hesitate. “Especially if you did that—it just means both of you are living a lie. And besides, that scumbag treats you so bad you could cheat on him with a thousand guys and still be in the right, as far as I’m concerned. He puts you down, abuses you, spends your money-”
I held up my hands. “I’ll... think about it, okay?” How could I tell her I’d thought about it every day these past few weeks? How could I tell her I only wished it were that simple? “Look, it’s late. Go, have fun. We’ll catch up on Monday. Maybe we can talk about it then.”
Janice sighed heavily, motioning to get up, but stopped as something over my shoulder caught her attention.
“Rach. Don’t look now, but you are being seriously scoped out. See? I told you—you’re a catch!”
“You mean there’s somebody staring at me?” My reflex was to turn around. Janice stopped me.
“I said don’t look!” she giggled. “We have seriously got to work on your game.”
“Okay, fine. What’s he look like?”
She leaned in, her mouth near my ear. “Oh, baby. He is all that. Tall, with dark hair and a three day growth. He’s wearing a really nice suit, and he’s got the most gorgeous-”
“Eyes.” I said cutting her off with a catch to my voice. “Green eyes, like shamrocks.”
“How did you know?” Janice asked. Then she pulled away, her eyes wide. “Rach. He’s coming this-”
A hand landed on my shoulder. “Hey, stranger,” Chase said in that gorgeous English accent. “Fancy seeing you here.”