13

Ray awoke sometime after midnight, groggy, disoriented and so hungry he’d have sworn his stomach had gnawed a hole in his backbone. Getting up, he traded the towel for a robe, and fixed a sandwich. It tasted like cardboard and felt like sawdust going down, but filled the empty spot in his belly.

Numb except for the aching hole in his heart, he wandered into the living room. He picked up the suitcase from where he’d dropped it earlier, unpacked, and then sat on the edge of his bed. He buried his face in trembling hands as he thought about his life.

All the years of prayer and meditation, of faith and trust in the power of God’s love and grace, disappeared when he considered his behavior these past two days. He realized the healing he’d sought was far from complete. Not only incomplete, but also hindered by bitterness and unforgiveness—emotions that had lain dormant in his heart until two days ago.

He wondered if Rebecca would ever speak to him again. This time the tears he shed weren’t of grief or loneliness, but of sorrow and repentance. Purged of every emotion, save pain, he cried out to God for understanding, and was rewarded when He answered. “Though a nursing mother forgets her child, yet I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

In that instant, Ray knew that no matter how his parents felt about him, God had always been there, giving him the strength to go on and to keep hoping. But it was up to him to let go once and for all, let go and let God do the healing he’d failed so miserably to accomplish.

Understanding followed enlightenment. Oh, he’d prayed and believed and worked hard at forgiving his parents. So hard, in fact, that he actually believed he had, and was proud of himself for doing so. That pride had been his downfall. He may have convinced his mind he’d forgiven them, but only God could change a heart.

Stretching out on the bed once more, he began to pray for God to take away the pain, bitterness and unforgiveness in his heart, and to bring to light the good in his parents.

~*~

Rebecca bit back her disappointment and smiled at the letter carrier when he handed her the mail. On the porch table sat a tray loaded with fresh sandwiches and homemade soup. She hadn’t heard from Ray since he dropped her off the day before yesterday. Figuring he needed some time to himself, she respected his privacy expecting that today he would be back on the job and they would talk over lunch. Concerned now, she carried the tray back inside and thought about calling him.

Instead, she heated up the soup and poured it into a large, wide-mouth thermos. She covered the sandwiches in cellophane, loaded everything into a picnic basket and headed over to his apartment. She’d parked the car, grabbed the basket and was two steps away from knocking, when the door opened and a young woman stepped out. Ray walked out behind her.

Stunned, Rebecca hesitated in her tracks.

“Thanks, Jan,” he said to the young woman.

“No problem. Anytime. Take care, and if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.”

“Will do, oh, Becca, hi,” he said, noticing her for the first time since walking out of the apartment.

A flush rushed to Rebecca’s cheeks. “Hi. I didn’t realize you had company. Guess I should have called first.”

A smile lit his eyes, tugged at his lips. “Nonsense, you don’t ever have to call first.” He pointed to the young woman. “Becca, this is Jan. Jan, Rebecca Sinclair.”

Rebecca smiled and nodded.

Jan returned the greeting then glanced back at Ray. “See ya later, Ray.” She gave a little wave, before walking away.

Rebecca watched until Jan got into her car and left. Then she faced Ray once more, arching an eyebrow.

He reached for the picnic basket. “What’cha got there?”

She held it out of his reach. “I made us some lunch. When you didn’t show, I thought I’d come and check on you. Seems there was no need.”

Ray gave her a reassuring smile, as if he sensed her jealously. “Jan is a friend from work. She lives just up the road a ways, so she dropped off my check and some other paperwork for me. I invited her in for a cup of coffee, Becca, nothing more.” He cupped her cheeks in his hands. “There’s only room in my heart for one woman, Becca, and that woman is you.” He captured her lips in a tender kiss.

Rebecca’s heart did a slow swirl into her stomach. “Glad to hear it. Are you hungry?”

“For your cooking, always.” He took the basket from her while slipping one arm around her waist and escorted her into his apartment. “Here or the patio?” he asked, when they reached the kitchen.

Rebecca couldn’t suppress the sharp pang of jealousy at the sight of the empty coffee cups. She had no right to be jealous. “In here is fine,” she said, determined not to act like a fool.

Ray set down the basket and chuckled.

“Something funny, Ray?”

He removed the coffee cups from the table and put them in the sink. “Not a thing,” he said, reaching for her.

“Then wipe that silly grin off your face.”

Ray tossed back his head with a laugh. “Yes, Ma’am.” He swooped her up and twirled her. “Boy, I missed talking to you yesterday.” He settled her back on her feet.

Rebecca laid her hand against his cheek. “I missed you, too. But I figured you needed some time to yourself.”

He covered her hand with his, moved it to his lips, kissed the palm and pulled her a notch closer.

Rebecca placed a firm hand on his chest. “Let’s eat while it’s still hot.”

“One kiss,” he whispered.

“N—”

His lips took sweet possession of hers. “Thank you,” he whispered against her mouth.

Surprised at the sweet lethargy that infused her bones as he released her from his grasp, Rebecca reached for the back of a chair.

“What would you like to drink?” he asked.

“Tea.” Figuring she’d just have to get used to the way her body responded every time he took her in his arms, she collapsed into the chair.

Ray fixed their drinks while Rebecca unloaded the picnic basket.

Over soup and sandwiches, he told her of the revelation he’d had regarding his parents and the forgiveness he thought he’d accomplished. “I’ve been such a fool, Becca,” he admitted.

“You’re not a fool, Ray. You’re human. The world has insulated us against love, taught us that compassion is useless, and that forgiveness shows weakness; therefore it’s not as easy as it should be.”

“I have to go back.”

“You need to find some peace, and you need to make peace with your past and your parents. Even if it’s only in your own heart.”

“I know, and I think the only way I’ll be able to do that is to go back. Besides, I have to figure out what to do with that monstrosity of a house.”

Rebecca smiled at his choice of words but refrained from comment.

“I took an extended leave of absence, Becca. That’s the paperwork Jan brought by.”

A flicker of annoyance licked her insides at the mention of the other woman’s name, but it didn’t affect her nearly as much as the thought of not seeing Ray every day. “How long will you be gone?” she asked, hoping the ache in her heart didn’t reflect in her voice or eyes.

Ray shrugged. “A week or two, I guess. Depends on how long it takes to go through the house and figure out what to keep, what to get rid of and how to get rid of it.” As if on impulse, he grabbed her hand in his. “Come with me.”

Though it shouldn’t have, his request surprised her. “What?”

“Come with me. It’ll be like a vacation. I promise we’ll do some sightseeing this time.”

“But I can’t stay gone for an indefinite period of time; I have plants to water and kids to think of.”

“OK, we’ll only stay a week or so, two at most. The plants will be fine. The kids aren’t coming home until Christmas, and it’s not even Halloween yet. You can call them every day if you want, Becca. Whatever it takes. Just come with me.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Today, tomorrow, as soon as we can get packed. Thought I’d drive down this time. It’ll only take a couple of days.”

She hesitated.

“You trust me, don’t you, Becca? You’re not afraid to be with me like that are you?”

“Of course I trust you. I’m not afraid at all. I’m just wondering what my kids will say about me gallivanting all over creation with you.”

He chuckled. “I’m sure you’ll be able to alleviate any misgivings they might have. We’ll have to stay overnight in hotels, so we’ll get separate rooms.”

“It’s time you start thinking and feeling for yourself.” The counselor’s words floated through her mind.

Rebecca agreed. It was time for her to start thinking about what she wanted, what would make her happy. And to stop worrying about what everyone else would think.

Vacations with her family had always been a stressful time. The kids argued and fussed or sulked because they didn’t want to go to begin with.

Jim was his usual orderly self, insisting that everything be kept in its place, and they always went somewhere educational—a war memorial or some military museum. There was never really much time for relaxing. Not for Rebecca anyway.

Going with Ray to Flagstaff would be fun. And what better way for them to get to know one another? She squeezed his hand. “OK, Ray. I’ll go with you.”

“Great! Let’s leave today, right now. Go home, pack a suitcase or two, call your kids—leave a message if you have to—and I’ll pick you up in an hour.”

Feeling like a little girl going off on a grand adventure, Rebecca allowed those giddy emotions to push away the doubts and concerns over what people might think. She packed a suitcase and an overnight bag, put the plants which needed the most care out on the porch where they could catch water if it rained, and prayed the temperature didn’t drop too low within the next couple of weeks. She decided not to call her kids until she and Ray stopped for the night.

Ray knocked on her door and entered at her invitation.

“Ready yet?” he asked.

Rebecca nodded.

“Good. I had our mail put on vacation hold.”

She hadn’t thought about that. Her eyes widened, a flush warmed her cheeks. “You should have let me do that so everyone wouldn’t know I’m going with you.”

He squeezed her hand. “The only person who knows is Jan, and she promised to be very discreet about putting in the requests.”

Annoyance sparked inside her. She crossed her arms over her chest. “How well do you know this woman?”

Ray chuckled. “Jealousy is usually a very ugly emotion, but on you it’s adorable.”

He reached for her, but she stepped out of his grasp.

“Don’t mock me, Ray.”

He took a step forward, closed the distance she’d put between them and cupped her cheeks in his hands. “I’d never mock you.”

“And don’t kiss me,” she insisted, poking a finger in his chest to stop him from doing just that.

She shook her head, and he released her.

“I’m not that easy to distract, and I am not jealous. Well, maybe a little jealous.” She huffed at his arched brow. “But that’s not the point. The point is that you know I’ve been married over half my life to the same man, a man that—as far as I know—was faithful to me. I know nothing about your personal life. I’m not used to being around a man who’s been single all his life and may have slept with hundreds of women. I want to know how well you know this one.”

Ray stepped away from her, smiled. “I know her about as well as I’d know any good friend or maybe a close cousin. We dated. Once. Dinner and a movie, I think. When I kissed her goodnight, it was so dispassionate we both ended up laughing. We’ve been friends ever since.”

Ray cupped her face in his hands again. “And, Becca,” his voice lowered a notch, “I’ve not had any meaningful relationships.”

She let out a breath and placed her hand on his cheek. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“You’re welcome. Now may I kiss you?” Without waiting for permission, his lips captured hers in a scorching embrace. He hugged her firmly. His mouth clung to hers; molding and shaping it until each ragged breath she took became one with his.

He ended the kiss by slow degrees.

“Don’t kiss me like that again, Ray.” She ran a trembling hand through her hair.

“Why not?”

He looked as though he might pull her back in his arms and do it again, so she stepped away. The passion that sparked between them rivaled anything she’d experienced. She had to be mindful of that. “Because I can’t handle it when you do. I’m not ready to handle it yet. Promise, or I won’t go with you.”

“That will be a difficult promise to keep, but I’ll try.”

“Then maybe I shouldn’t go,” she whispered.

His expression saddened. “I thought you trusted me.”

A twinge of guilt pricked her as she looked into his troubled gaze. “I do trust you. But…I’m not used to being kissed like that by anyone but my husband. I don’t believe in premarital sex, Ray, and I don’t want to spend the entire trip fighting you off.”

His pained expression brightened into a beaming smile. “Then marry me. We’ll take a quick detour through Vegas and get hitched in one of those little twenty-four hour wedding chapels.”

His grin was charming, boyish. His eyes danced with humor. Though she knew he was probably teasing, Rebecca heard the underlying thread of sincerity in his proposal. Panic bubbled up to choke her. “I can’t marry you. We’ve only known each other—”

“A year. People get married all the time to someone they’ve dated less time than that.”

“We’ve known each other a year, dated less than a month,” she corrected.

He clasped her hand and raised it to his lips. “OK, Becca, I promise not to kiss you like that again. Unless you initiate it of course,” he added with a teasing grin, and then sobered. “I promise not to compromise you or your values, especially since mine are the same. You won’t have to fight me off,” he assured her in a tone devoid of laughter.

Rebecca hesitated a moment, searching his eyes for assurance of the promise he’d just made. “OK Ray, I believe you. But you’d better believe me when I say I’ll break your hands if you get too forward.”

Ray tossed his head back and laughed. He let go of her hand and picked up her suitcase. “I believe you,” he said, but his eyes were alive with wicked humor.