Selected Extracts From My Diary
A BLUE DIARY from the publisher Collins, which I’m sure gave me a huge amount of satisfaction at the time. I have customised it by simply applying a single football sticker to the cover – upside down to prove what a trainee Dadaist I am, aged eleven. The sticker bears the squinting face of JOHN HOLLINS of Queen’s Park Rangers. Another little joke (my dad’s name being JOHN COLLINS). Hey, we had to make our own entertainment in 1976.
Very little graffiti on the inside covers, though this diary was a major shift forward, artistically. We move up to two days per page: much more space to fill – or feel guilty for not filling – and a spare half page every week called NOTES, utilised variously: a plan view of Action Man’s fictional barracks (Holston Barracks); a list of my favourite Peanuts characters (from the top, Charlie Brown, Linus, Sally, Lucy, Freda, Schroeder, Snoopy, Woodstock …); a catalogue of my jokes and tricks (snappy gum, mouse matchbox, nail thru’ finger, etc.); and marginally improved little cartoons to illustrate the text, such as, 26 April: a big rock falling in the stream and soaking Simon while we were dam-building.
And it’s back to joined-up writing with OCCASIONAL CAPITALS for emphasis.
Thursday, 1 January
Dean slept last night and this morning we watched television. This afternoon me and Simon played a fab game of Action Man with four Action Men. Simon’s gripping was Captain Carson and his other one was Sergeant Scott (Scotty) and my gripping was Lieutenant Simpson and my non-gripping was Warrant Officer Nixon.1 We were in the scout car, tank and turbo copter. And we fought a load of Germans with our bare hands, then we all went down the park. Before tea me and Simon saw Spiderman. Tonight me and Simon watched Carry On Again Doctor and it was brill. And then Love Thy Neighbour and Two Ronnies.
Monday, 5 January
This morning Simon and I played a brill game of Action Man about two vandals smashing up our camp. After that I went round Wilson’s and he had got Up Periscope for Christmas and Escape From Colditz Castle (it is different to my Colditz). Roobarb was also there so all three of us played Escape From Colditz Castle. This afternoon Auntie Sue came round and Johnny, Simon and I played spies and we were after Melanie and Melissa. Tonight me and Simon started playing Colditz but we had to have a hair wash and then it was Ask the Family so we had to pack up. After Ask the Family it was Z Cars.
Wednesday, 7 January
This morning we had double maths and we did more fractions. This afternoon we had art. Our group was with Mrs Hooton and we did writing about milk because we didn’t have the stuff to make milk shakes. We are going to make milk shake next week, with scrambled egg on toast. Mum didn’t get me ‘King of the Cops’ record,2 but I listened to Wilson’s when he came round and I’ve copied the words out on paper. Tonight Uncle Brian and Auntie Janis baby-sitted and me and Simon watched Oh No – It’s Selwyn Froggitt!
Thursday, 8 January
I stayed for dinners and we had chicken pie and for afters sponge with chocolate custard. This afternoon we had games and our group did rugby with Mr Hanna and it was brilliant.3 I was in the scrum and I got filthy. It’s lucky we have showers. I went round Wilson’s after school and we played Up Periscope. Tonight me and Simon had an ice cold drink of orangeade and we watched Top of the Pops (‘King of the Cops’ wasn’t on it) and after that we saw a new series called Happy Ever After starring Terry Scott.
Sunday, 11 January
This morning I started making a new comic called Crunch. I have done three pages already. This afternoon we went down Nanny Collins and I got my Monster Fun. We all looked at Nan’s old photos. We watched The Prince and the Pauper4 and Holiday ’76 and they showed you a holiday in Scotland. After tea me and Simon played Subbuteo and the score was 0–0. Then we watched World About Us about insects and we went up to bed and I ordered my Scoop book (Ice Cold in Alex) and got my dinner money ready.
Monday, 12 January
This morning our class went swimming for the first time (I’ve never been to a swimming pool before). I can’t swim so I started at the shallow end (3ft). I used arm bands to start with and then I used just one and I can nearly do the breast stroke. After school Wilson came round and we did our RE and history homework. After my tea (lovely toast) I remembered about my Identi-Kit5 so Dad got it out of the cupboard and I’ve made loads of faces up. Tonight I watched Ask the Family and Z Cars, then while Simon read to Dad downstairs I read my comics.
Wednesday, 21 January
This morning Simon got his Action Man book delivered. This afternoon we did cookery and we made lovely cheese and potato pie. Wilson didn’t come to school but I went round his and I let him borrow my Dr No book to read and he let me borrow his Live and Let Die and Man with the Golden Gun. I ate some of my cheese and potato pie for tea. Tonight we saw This Is Your Life (Patrick Mower), Mother Makes Five and brilliant Morecambe & Wise.
Saturday, 31 January
This morning when Mum and Dad went shopping Kim came round and we played chess (I lost). Dad got me some library books: Whales, Dolphins and Man, a book about Britain and meat-eaters.6 This afternoon we played a load of records like ‘Make A Daft Noise For Christmas’, ‘In Dulce Jubilo’ and ‘El Bimbo’.7 We watched Play Away and The Mouse Factory, Tom & Jerry, Dr Who and New Faces. Nanny came to baby-sit and we watched the big film.
Tuesday, 10 February
Me and Milner let Kim join O.O.A.M.8 and Daniel Harrison (‘DD’) is our ally undercover third year agent. Kim’s code name is ‘Y’. After school I had my hair cut over the road. After tea I played chess with Simon twice then we had a hair wash and came down. I put some Bonjela on my horrible ulcer. We watched Winter Olympics, Ellery Queen and Pro–Celebrity Golf.
Thursday, 12 February
I stayed for dinners and I got belly ache. It was very wet so we couldn’t have games so we had brilliant9 cross-country running. We had two laps of the park, one warm-up and another race (I didn’t get puffed out or get stitch). Then we had science and we tested our home-made bricks. Tonight Mum sewed some of my squares for my patchwork draught excluder. Melissa came down so she could watch Top of the Pops. Then we watched Happy Ever After.
Monday, 1 March
We had swimming this morning and I stayed for dinners. Ulp! Mr Walman discovered O.O.A.M. He thought it was funny (sweat). Tonight we and Milner made up the Teachers Anti-Mob Association (T.A.M.A.) – Mr Walman, Mr Hanna, Mrs Bream and Mrs Hulland. We’ve done loads to it and Milner says that when he moves10 he will let me have the O.O.A.M. file.
Tuesday, 2 March
Wilson and I showed Mr Walman FAB!11 and he showed it to Miss Malins who thought it was very good. I got my Scoop book, Whizz for Atomms (it is great). Milner came round after school. The telly went wrong and all smoke came out of it and tonight when Uncle Brian and Auntie Janis baby-sitted we had to watch the golf on my little portable telly.12
Thursday, 4 March MY BIRTHDAY
From Nanny Mabel and Pap Reg two drawing books, a box of paper (memo tank)13 and a brill pack of felt tips. From Dad and Mum I got some drawing inks, a pen and different nibs, a drawing book and The Goodies File book. From Nan and Pap Collins I got £2.00 and £1.50 from Auntie Margaret. From Auntie Janice’s money Dad bought me another new Liverpool mug and two Subbuteo goals. And I’ve still got five presents from my party to come. I got Wilson’s present, some paints.14
Thursday, 1 April
I got a letter from Milner (it’s funny! and it’s five pages). This morning I went to Mr Eagland the orthondontic (got it right)15 surgeon. This afternoon we had a four-lap cross-country round the school. When we went down the field tonight Angus said he was coming but he didn’t. AHA! I’ve just remembered I must cover my hymn book, must rush … BYEEE! Oops! Forgot to tell you! Got a new car (yellow Cavalier).
Tuesday, 6 April
Usual lessons. Only we missed ALL of French because after assembly Mr Jones had a talk with the boys about someone who went to the loo on the loo floor! After tea Simon went to Cubs16 and I went down the field with Lewis, played boats, on the see-saw etc. Then came back and played darts (Lewis won both games). With 60p of the £1 Dad owed me he bought me The Making of the Movie Jaws.17 I’m going to read it.
Wednesday, 7 April
Usual lessons at school. As there is a water shortage Mrs Pearson put out a box for ‘water saving suggestions’.18 Now she is giving out a sheet to everyone. She asked me to draw two illustrations for it. Now all the school will see my drawings. (FANS … AUTOGRAPHS LATER!)
Tuesday, 13 April EASTER HOLS
This morning I got a dart in my finger. It hurts a bit. And I painted Salem Witch and I’ve put little strands of glue all around it and it looks like spider webs. WHAT A GENIUS I AM!!
Friday, 16 April
This morning Simon and I cleared the cupboard out. Then we went shopping (Simon bought a Look-In and there is a competition in it – you can win a Six Million Dollar Man). This afternoon I painted Godzilla (it looks great!!) and I went down the field and I played with Lewis and Kim (they got soaked). They showed me a brill place for jumping but the bank is giving way. Dad has started putting the paving slabs down for our patio. I’ve just had a drink of cold fizzy pop. I’m just about to start reading Kizzy to Simon.
Sunday, 18 April
This morning Simon and I went down the field and Pap was at his allotment so we went up and he has got a bird’s nest with a baby bird in. Simon got soaked when he fell in the stream so he is banned from the field. This afternoon I played with Carl with a load of old sheets. We had great fun. I had a lovely homemade milk shake. Dad has finished our new patio.
Thursday, 22 April
Dean came. We went down the field in the morning and found a great den and we got loads of sticks for guns. Trouble is … between 2.30 and 6.00 somebody (we think) raided our den and all guns (except two) were gone. So we found a load more and we’ve hidden them better. And we found a load of Mini-Warlord guns (they are special). We’ve hidden them in our wellies ready for tomorrow. I had a postcard from Milner.
Wednesday, 5 May
Last night Liverpool clinched the League Championship by beating Wolves 3–1. Toshack, Kennedy and Keegan scored. YAHOOOO. Cobblers are in the third division next season. DITTO!!!! We had Mrs Peck this afternoon and OOOH! The Queen Mother landed in a helicopter in Abington Park. All our school went. It was a great helicopter. I got Melissa a Paddington book and Simon got a pad and three felt tips and I’m going to make a card now.
Thursday, 3 June
Dean stayed all morning and till 3.00. We played down the field all the time in our new tree den. Simon and I made up Warlord Badges.19 You can get them if you do a good thing.
Tuesday, 8 June
14/20 in the French test. In history a girl, we think, pressed the fire alarm and everyone went out but it was a false alarm. After tea I went down the field with Gibby20 (Simon went to Cubs) and we found a brill tree/bush which we made into a den with one secret entrance.
Saturday, 26 June
It was boiling and I got all sunburnt. We played with Jonathan and Peter21 most of the day. We had the paddling pool out. We went down Pap’s allotment and picked some strawbs. I wrote my letter to Milner. I got some brill flip-flops.
Tuesday, 29 June
There was no choir today. At dinner time the ice cream man gave away free broken lollies. I got one. A lemon one. 94/100 in French (joint first with Julie Sharp). Dad got me a folder for my MFCs.22 Kev,23 Gibbs and Kev Jnr came to play. Watched Angels.
Wednesday, 30 June
Maths 138/200 … er … hmmm … blush … oh well, I got 92/100 for geog. though. Hooray!! No cooking BOO HISS YAH BOO. We did (don’t read this next word) theory. It was hot, too hot for cooking. The trip to Whipsnade tomorrow. Wahay!! My partner’s Angus.
Thursday, 1 July TRIP TO WHIPSNADE ZOO
My partner was Jes after all. I was in Mrs D Jones’ group. She brought her two children. The hippos had their backs to us. BOO! We had a questionnaire. My packed lunch was with an ice cold drink, chicken sams, an apple pie, two yogurts and some crisps. We went on the playground. We went in the dolphinarium.
Wednesday, 7 July
Jes, Angus and I made up F.A.G.I.C. (we call it Fagit), the Field, Adventure, Good-fun and Interest Club. We made fresh fruit salad with Mrs Hooton. We went to Nan Collins’ after tea, we got a £ for our holidays. Nan got me a Monster Fun hol special.
Saturday, 10 July OFF ON OUR HOLS!!!
We arrived at Llithfaen near Pwllheli. We are staying at Mr and Mrs Williams’ farmhouse. There is a big farm. We arrived at 9–10 o’clock. We had a fish and chip takeaway dinner (I had chips and beans). We went on Pwllheli beach. I got my trousers wet when a big wave splashed up. We had a lovely tea. We walked round the fields. There is a dog, cow and calf (we have only just seen them). It wasn’t particularly hot but it was not really cold.
Monday, 12 July
We went to Pwllheli for the day. Dad got the book Rommel? Gunner Who? and I got a postcard for Form 2-1, a Frankie Stein hol special and an Asterix paperback. I played in the sea. We discovered a little shrew over the road from our farmhouse. We named him ‘Vernon the Short’. We went for a ride in Mr Williams’ hay cart with two other men. We went to a pub, past Nefyn. Just now, Simon, Dad and I saw a frog in the front garden.
Tuesday, 10 August
Dean came to Nan’s. We played Action Man in the sink. They got soaked. I came home from Nan’s. Simon’s got friendly with Suttle.24 Melissa’s got a new hairstyle. Simon and I are gonna play Bugsy25 now.
Tuesday, 31 August
I made a Lego house for my Devlins26 tonight. Dad took Simon and I to Wellingborough Golf Club. We did nine holes. It didn’t rain. Simon and I couldn’t hit many balls really. Then we went in the bar in the clubhouse. We had a Coke on draught. We watched TV.
Sunday, 5 September
Simon and I played with Mossy and Suttle on bikes down the field. Mossy and I can climb a great new tree. We played Herbies27 on bikes. When Mossy’s glider went over the stream, Mossy and I went over and on the way back I put my foot right in the stream. I changed then. We had a HAIR WASH.
Monday, 13 September
We had art – woodwork. B for my pencil box. Kev and Jes came round and we were bored for a bit. Angus, Jes and I have started A.K.C. (the Anti-Kim Campaign). We hate Kim. Stupid isn’t he? We sent him to Coventry.28
Tuesday, 14 September
We’ve stopped calling Kim a loony and all that but we still can’t stand the sight of him. Normal lessons. Simon went to Cubs. Kev bought a load of crisps.
Wednesday, 15 September
I trod on a drawing pin this morning. Kim was acting stupid as usual. Soardsy gave me a Corona Fizzical sticker. Kev came and we watched Carry On Nurse.
Friday, 17 September
It was brilliant, absolutely fab. It was great. It was the best games lesson I’ve ever had. We had cross-country. (One lap round the park. I came 28th. Credit. I went with Busho.29) Then some of us played rugby with too many people and there weren’t many rules. Kev and I got killed.
Saturday, 18 September
I got my War Paper (a poster of Hitler in it). In the afternoon Angus, Jes and I played on bikes all the time. We lost Jes up Weston Way. We changed the poster board. We’ve got the Dr Who, Hitler,30 Keep Mum She’s Not So Dumb and Tommy Gun posters up. We can’t watch Two Ronnies. BOOOO!
Friday, 1 October
Homework from maths and science. 18/20 for French test. Rugby in games. Showers. Kev came and we played over Billing Road by the stream in the sinking mud.
Sunday, 3 October
To Nan Collins’ for the day. I made a boat/gun-emplacement for my Action Man. Lovely dinner. Lovely tea. Simon gave me a brill James Bond gun with a bullet. WOW! But I’ve given it back. I don’t want it.
Monday, 4 October
I’ve finished my rattle in woodwork. Kev didn’t come. We started copper foil pictures. Kim was acting loony as usual. Kim is a twit. The world would be a better place without the big pouff. He escaped from some loony bin.
Wednesday, 6 October
Jes, Kev, Angus and I have started the Ultimate Gang. Only us four are in it. Nothing happened at the doctor’s – it was about my enlarged tonsils. Hockey. Kim was being a pouff as usual. Carry On Regardless and Benny Hill. Melissa is still off school.
Thursday, 7 October
Did more to our copper pictures in woodwork. That was our last lesson of woodwork. French test: 12/12 = credit. Kim was being loonyish as usual. Kev came. We went to the sinking sand kingdom and over and under the bridge. Shower. I got an ulcer.
Sunday, 10 October
Did drawing in the morning. Simon went to church parade. In the afternoon Wyn,31 Robert and I went to Wilson’s party. We went to the Brayfield Stock Car Racing. Two overturned and one smashed into the post next to us. His wheel got caught on the fence. We had a hot dog. Tea: chips, beans, fish fingers and a rum’n’raisin chocolate ice cream thing. We played cards and Frustration. Auntie Gladys, Pap and Nan Collins came all afternoon while I was at Wilson’s. I watched Fawlty Towers.
Tuesday, 12 October
It’s a wonder it’s not the 13th today (unlucky) because: Kev’s away with rheumatism, Mum couldn’t get my Krazy comic, I couldn’t get it when I went to the shops either and I’ve just gone and had a bath when I was supposed to have a hands and face. OH WELL! Nan C is baby-sitting. We can go on the climbing frame at school now. Sandwiches. Choir.
Friday, 22 October HOLS
We got to Ilfracombe (after six hours driving) but the bungalow was cold and damp. So we came home (12 hours over, in all). Melissa was sick there and back. We didn’t have dinner, just tea at a Wimpy. I had two whole Wimpys. Simon had egg’n’chips (so did Melissa). Dad had a Wimpy and so did Mum. We got home about 10.00. We were tired. Nan and Pap were here waiting for us.
Saturday, 23 October
We started our hols in Northampton (it’s half term you see). Dad and Mum didn’t need to do much shopping in the morning. In the afternoon we bought – Simon: landing craft, lorry, little truck (for soldiers), Andrew: three jokes and tricks (dummy lit cigs, puff puff cigs, plate lifter), two Tempos, blue and mauve. Got Jasper Carrott record.
Sunday, 24 October
Carl gave me some wonder plastic. In the afternoon I went with Carl to Irchester Park. Just had a Dubonnet and lime. Played Nan’s De Luxe Scrabble.
Tuesday, 26 October
Cleared garage out in the morning (Dad, Melissa and I that is). I’ve got my own special painting bench. We went to the Model Shop, Tesco and Bodley’s. Simon got pontoon bridge for titch soldiers and I got desert outpost for 8th Army. I’ve just painted that, complete with vulture, Grecian urns, bench and ladder. Simon went to Colesey’s.
Wednesday, 27 October
We went to Twycross Zoo (for the day). There were orang-utans, gorillas, loads of monkeys, lions, tigers, leopards, cheetahs, pets corner, otters, reptile house, camels, llamas, birds, tapirs, crocs, vultures, pigs, elephants, tortoises (giant ones), porcupines, giraffes, more monkeys, snakes, penguins, chimps, baby orang-utans, baby chimp, wallabies, kangaroos and more. NO HIPPOS. Had chip shop chips for tea. I had chicken (and beans). Got a rubber spider from zoo. The baby chimp kept whacking the glass when I leaned against it. I took a photo of a parrot. There was a mynah bird. The lion was roaring and Simon took a photo of it. Melissa got a zebra (called Benjy Friendy Smiley!!). My spider is called Dudley.
Tuesday, 2 November
Got choir badge. Jes got 100 lines for shouting at me in history. We (Angus and I) were mucking about, acting hard and he shouted. Hence: 100 lines. 19/20 in French test. Music test. Mum put blue covers on our beds.
Wednesday, 3 November
Hockey. Jes got all snotty because Angus and I tried to run away from him. Only a joke. But he’s got so snotty Angus and I got him out the Ultimate Gang. Had conversation in French with Mademoiselle Olvonkablblblbl (Mademoiselle Olivier or something). Goldfinger (on TV).
Wednesday, 24 November
Did indoor games instead of hockey. No homework. Mrs Moxham said that I should go to her on Monday instead of cookery.32 Just now Simon jumped on my bed and hit my head. I called him a pouff and he kept booting my face and then I hit my head on the radiator. What a loony he is. Pam Ayres on This Is Your Life.
Wednesday, 1 December
It got a bit frosty this morning, hence: skiddy playground. Soardsy, Angus and I went to Mrs Hooton at din-dins to do more to the carpeting.33 Had to move all the stuff. Mrs Dennison is still away, had Miss Sabin instead. Did Xmas card for Mum’s squash coach. Si did cookery (milk shake and Angel Delight). Parents could come again (Mum didn’t). Kev Keegan bashed up his back in the bike race in Superstars.
Thursday, 2 December
Had Miss Lindsay for art. Homework. Mr Walman wants me to do a poster for the end-of-term film, The Shakiest Gun in the West. I’ve done it. Mr Hanna’s science lesson carried on till 25 past 12 and I was late! Angus and I moved the old carpet from the flat. After assembly Mr Jones gave a talk to the boys about: no spitting, no practical jokes, no mud, no wasting paper towels and no pea-shooters.34
Wednesday, 8 December
Mrs Dennison still away. Had Miss Sabin. Si got a diary. Had pirates in PE. No homework. Went to Mrs Moxham for another test instead of RE. Emery35 came off his bike ’cos of a wet track in cycling in Superstars.
Saturday, 25 December CHRISTMAS DAY
I got: Monopoly, big (giant) drawing book, felt tips, 1977 diary, inks, big soldiers, loads of Britains,36 paints, stamps, stamp album, Press-Ups (a game), brushes, Tempos, MFC annual, Frankie annual, Cor! Book of Gags, glue, model, darts, £1, Pam Ayres book, slippers and more. Lovely dinner. I got some fab presents. Played Monopoly. Went to bed at 9.10. Also I got: Quality Streets, Roses and a Terry’s Chocolate Orange and a selection box.
1. Because Simon was that bit more committed to the army than me (i.e. he didn’t waste any of his valuable combat time doing jigsaws or making comics), we both accepted that he outranked me in the Action Man platoon: he had two gripping-hands Action Men while one of mine was still a spastic non-gripping. Captain Carson, his newest ‘soldier doll’ (as trademark-shy Blue Peter euphemistically called them) was naturally in charge. My Action Men, Simpson and Nixon, were Carson’s bitches.
2. ‘King of the Cops’ by Billy Howard, a novelty record to the tune of Roger Miller’s ‘King of the Road’ which to my Yarwood-raised delight included impressions of all the main TV cops: Kojak, McCloud, Columbo. It reached Number Six in the charts, although I remember it as a Number One, likewise CW McCall’s ‘Convoy’, which in fact reached Number Two a month after Howard peaked. (Funny how nostalgia idealises even mundane points of commerce like chart positions in its quest to smooth all the corners.)
3. A special public relations use of the adjective ‘brilliant’, meaning bloody awful. I hated rugby, it was a brute sport.
4. I was angered recently to hear a link on Channel 4’s Top Ten TV Families (a strand I once wrote links for myself) stating that Butterflies was Nicholas Lyndhurst’s debut TV appearance. Bollocks. He played the title role in The Prince and the Pauper and we used to watch him every Sunday (not to mention The Tomorrow People, Heidi and Going Straight, in which he played Fletch’s 17-year-old son Raymond). Do people who make TV programmes about TV know nothing about TV?
5. Hours of fun with this simple toy, a benign version of the pre-computer police identikit, with assorted eyes, ears and mouthparts to place on a selection of head shapes. No batteries required.
6. ‘Libraries gave us power’ – opening line from the song ‘A Design for Life’ and family motto of the band who wrote it, Manic Street Preachers. My childhood was punctuated by regular trips to the town library, where I would crick my neck over the varnish-smelling shelves, coughs echoing round the place. I can’t say I read Marx and Engels at Northampton Library, but I did fill my head with natural history, drawing and the cinema. And the complete works of cartoonist Norman Thelwell. It’s power of a sort.
7. ‘Make A Daft Noise For Christmas’ by The Goodies (probably my then-favourite band; Number 20, December 1975), ‘In Dulce Jubilo’ by Mike Oldfield (one of Mum’s, twinned with the softly spoken ‘On Horseback’; Number Four, December 1975), and ‘El Bimbo’ by Bimbo Jet, a French ‘male/female vocal/instrumental group’ according to the Guinness, though neither record nor artist mean a damned thing to me now (Number 12, July 1975).
8. The Organisation of Anti-Mob (the ‘Mob’ being the staff of Abington Vale Middle School), a Molesworth-influenced ‘secret society’ conceived by myself and Milner at breaktime to amuse ourselves. We turned our paranoid fantasy into a file, a loose collection of cartoons based on the idea that we were on to their game and with various gadgets and cunning would expose the Mob as sadistic torturers of innocent pupils. I was agent ‘X’. Milner was ‘Z’ (I think). It was hugely creative fun.
9. See note 3. Who was I trying to convince?
10. Milner moved to Dorset that year, my first experience of losing a friend, although we kept in touch (my first pen pal) and I even visited him on the south coast. He started the Poole branch of O.O.A.M. He’s one of the only schoolfriends I have actually met in adult life; he now lives in Tunbridge Wells with wife and two daughters. His dad returned to shore from the banana boats and became harbourmaster at Poole.
11. Yet another home-made comic, this time in conjunction with Nigel Wilson. He was very much the passenger, artistically.
12. I rather ungratefully fail to mention the black and white portable telly in my otherwise exhaustive Christmas present list for 1975 – perhaps because it was a ‘joint’ present, ‘for all of us’. If you ask me, I think Mum and Dad were way too generous in giving us this luxury item, especially as it was kept in our bedroom. Simon and I knew that it was more than our lives were worth to watch it after lights-out, although we did later develop a method for doing so: with the sound turned completely down and with a squash racket poised to turn it off without getting out of bed if we heard footsteps (you pushed the knob in). I know.
13. White plastic cube filled with multicoloured square notelets which became the O.O.A.M. File. Funky in those days, now given away by insurance companies and car dealerships with their logo on the side.
14. These actually were paints.
15. Got it wrong.
16. As close as he could get to a green uniform at this early stage. Si was in the Cubs from age nine, then automatically became a Scout at 11 and waited until he was old enough to join the Royal Anglian Regiment Army Cadet Force (Salamanca Platoon) at 13.
17. Actually The Jaws Log, published in 1975 and written by Carl Gottlieb. ‘It’s an easy read, energizing and with some of the zest of the movie’ – Pauline Kael. Not that I would know, as I didn’t see the movie until March 1977.
18. The famous long hot summer of ’76 led to nationwide water shortages and a deluge of cracked-reservoir footage on the news – although I’m surprised to see measures in place as early as April. The only appearance of Northampton in the mighty Chronicle of the 20th Century comes on p. 1107: a photo of Pitsford Reservoir and its ‘parched, cracked surface’. Fame at last.
19. All this talk of Warlords (guns, badges) derives from a comic called Warlord.
20. Nickname of Paul Givelin, lithe younger brother of barrel-chested Andrew Givelin, sometimes referred to as Taff, as they were … Welsh. Dad was a bank manager.
21. Boys next door, opposite side to the Edwards, the Hannas. Their dad John was an amateur photography enthusiast and once lent me a grown-up SLR camera.
22. Monster Fun Comic, published by Fleetway. It ran for a total of just 72 issues from June 1975 to October 1976 when it was merged with Buster (subsumed being a more accurate word). Probably my favourite childhood comic, its stars were Kid Kong, Creature Teacher and Gums, the sublime Jaws spoof. Frankie Stein was ‘Editor-in-chief’, a refugee from the recently nixed Shiver & Shake, my second favourite comic.
23. Kev Pilbrow, whose surname I have just this minute recalled by sheer force of memory, as he is logged simply as ‘Kevin’ when he joins our school mid-term in April ’76. His nickname was Nivek (geddit?). Within two weeks of his arrival Nivek was ferociously sick in maths ‘all over his book, desk, floor, briefcase and blazer – it was red’.
24. Simon Suttle. I hope, in adult life, he is not obvious.
25. A variant on the colloquial claim ‘bagsy’. This innocent game involved moving methodically through the toy section of ‘the club book’ (the Kays catalogue, the bible on Mum’s side of the family), taking it in turns to choose one item each per page. And that’s it. My heart aches in admiration for my younger self here: content merely to fantasise about what toys we might like to own, with no hope of ever getting them, and yet whiling away happy hours in the act of looking at pictures. It’s surely what Tiny Tim would have done, had the Cratchitts access to a club book.
26. Plastic 1/32 scale figures that came attached to a series of fancy, collectable chopper bikes, possibly made by Matchbox – we named them Devlins after stunt-rider Ernie Devlin, star of the short-lived Hanna-Barbera cartoon Devlin, conceived solely to cash in on the Knievel dollar (and featuring the voice of Mickey Dolenz as Ernie’s mechanic brother Todd). I have just watched a QuickTime movie of the opening titles on a website devoted to H-B cartoons, maintained by an unhinged US enthusiast, as are all the best sites.
27. Wheelies, after the famous driverless VW.
28. What’s with the fickle attitude to Kim? One minute he’s in O.O.A.M., the next he’s in Coventry. I shall have to put it down to the vagaries of pre-teen loyalty, or the fact that Kim was an enormously clever and confident boy – perhaps it rubbed us up the wrong way with our deficiencies (although Jes was, I note, form captain this term). As the Anti-Kim Campaign hots up, drawings appear in my diary with the hapless doctor’s son dispatched in inventive ways: bodily encased in cement; sliced in two with a cutlass; pinned under an upturned bed of nails with myself, Angus, Jes and Nivek standing atop. Nothing worse than ignoring him actually took place in the real world. (Irrational this may have been, but I can assure you it had nothing to do with the colour of Kim’s skin. See Chapter 13 for more candid details on that score.)
29. Paul Bush, the one with the cruel name for Nigel Wilson. Became a huge pal of mine this year and stayed that way beyond the end of middle school, even though we went to different upper schools. The years 1976–78 were our salad days, characterised by supreme Pythonesque silliness, sleepovers and daft drawings (such as the off-colour bone-through-nose native he’s etched in my 1978 diary, followed by the rudimentary Wookiee). Paul, who sucked his thumb like I chewed my tongue, lived in a village outside Northampton, Earls Barton, but we managed to bridge the physical gap. His family had a summerhouse in their back garden (the kind that revolve, as seen in the climax to the great lost 1969 Dad’s Army episode ‘The Battle of Godfrey’s Cottage’), and he later introduced me to the pleasures of Peter Gabriel.
30. Look I’m sorry. The War Papers were complete, loving reprints of newspapers from the Second World War, they came out weekly and no doubt stopped coming out after about two months, as is the way of all things that build up week by week into a collection you will treasure. The early editions gave away free repro posters, and the Hitler one, a famous portrait, went on our poster board. We pinned him up with the very finest historical intentions.
31. Wyn Murphy; Welsh lad, another thumb-sucker.
32. Two things about Mrs Moxham. One, she took me out of class regularly at this time in order to do ‘tests’ on me (no electrodes, just patterns and numbers in books) as part of a paper she was doing on ‘gifted children’. Fans! Autographs later etc. I was just happy to get out of lessons. Two, after Jonathan Bailey had an ‘epo’ (an epileptic fit) while we were on the school trip to France in 1978, a rumour went round that Mrs Moxham slept in the vacant bed in the boys’ dormitory after we had all gone back to sleep, and a boy called Keith claimed he had seen her undressing. Yeah, right.
34. Pea-shooters? Where are we, Bash Street School?
35. David Hemery actually, British athlete, famous for being one of the few white record-breakers at the 1968 Olympics.
36. Britains made fine quality painted plastic die-cast figures, including a superb range of cowboys and Indians. All our zoo and farm animals were Britains.