“I really don’t feel like going to a wedding,” said Tish, as Madison worked on her makeup.
“Oh, stop it, you and A.J. will have fun. Now please hold still while I’m doing your eyes.”
“Pretty sad that I have to take another woman as a plus one. Sure wish the white knight wasn’t tied up.”
“Well, from what you told me that situation is looking up. Who knows, maybe you won’t need a plus one ever again. Too bad he won’t see you tonight. You look terrific. Of course with these eyes it would be hard not to.”
Tish heard the doorbell ring. “Ah, my date’s here.” She heard Nick answer the door and heel clicks heading toward the guest room.
A.J. poked her head in the door. “Hey guys. Tish, you look smokin’ hot.”
“I probably look like a streetwalker. I’ve never worn this much makeup before.”
“It’s not much at all,” said Madison. “Besides, just getting you in practice for the white knight.”
A.J. shook her head. “And here I’ll be on a Saturday night while she’s pining away for someone else.”
Tish smiled at her. “A.J., I really can’t thank you enough for coming with me. I couldn’t go to one more wedding with my usual plus one.”
“I don’t blame you. He’s nice, but beyond boring. Dating him would be like reading the Wall Street Journal.”
Madison pulled the tissues from Tish’s collar. “Okay, young lady, you are done. I now pronounce you gorgeous.”
“Very funny.” She stood up and looked in the mirror, surprised at what Madison had done. “Wow. I mean, my eyes have never looked so good. Thanks, Madison.”
“My pleasure. Like I said, it’s just a little makeup.”
“Well, let’s hit the road,” said A.J. They headed toward the door, passing Nick who was reading in a reclining chair.
He gave Tish an approving nod. “Whoa, babe alert.”
Tish couldn’t help but smile. “Nick, you are the world’s sweetest man.”
A.J. moved closer to him and folded her arms. “So what am I, chopped liver?”
“I was referring to all three of you.”
“See,” said Madison, “I’ve got him well trained.”
*
Spencer knew bringing a blind date as a “plus one” was a bad idea the minute she’d opened the door and he’d gotten a good look at her. If only he’d met Tish before a lawyer buddy had set him up with this “nice girl named Jennifer” who had spent the entire ride to the reception looking in her compact mirror and talking about how drunk she got at her last wedding. All the while drinking a beer.
Nice girl, my ass.
And showing up with a party girl in a too-short red bandage dress, too-big peroxide blonde hair, and false eyelashes that could swat a fly would get him more than a few raised eyebrows from the crowd of legal eagles. As his sister had once told him, “A woman shouldn’t out-do the bride on her wedding day.”
Too late now. If the bride wasn’t such a good friend he would have feigned a sudden attack of food poisoning and driven his date home. Then again he worried the bride would never speak to him again after bringing such a bimbo along on her big day. He pulled into a parking spot and took a deep breath, knowing that every single one of the three hundred guests would think he’d showed up with a hooker.
He opened the car door for her and she stepped out onto the sidewalk, a five-foot-two extra from a porn movie teetering on five-inch platform heels.
Everyone else in the parking lot stopped to gawk as they headed toward the reception hall.
I want to dig a hole all the way to China and jump in it.
They started heading up the stairs. “So, everyone here is a lawyer?” she asked.
“Well, since the bride and groom are both attorneys, I’d say most of the people probably work in the legal profession.”
“Wow.” She took his arm as they walked through the front door. “Lotta people here. Lotta money, I’ll bet. Hope there’s not a line at the bar.”
“I’m sure everyone will get a glass of champagne when the newlyweds arrive.”
“That’s it? No open bar? And how long do we have to wait for the bride and groom?”
He rolled his eyes. “I don’t know, Jennifer. We’ll find out soon enough.”
“Well, we can always leave early if there isn’t an open bar.”
Yeah, I’d like to leave now and drop you at home.
But sadly, as they entered the hall his date spotted the bar. “You find out where we’re sitting and I’ll go get the drinks. You want anything?”
“I’m fine.”
She made a bee line for the bar, leaving a batch of dropped jaws in her wake as Spencer stood in line to get his seat assignment.
An hour later that food poisoning idea was looking awfully good.
*
After a few glasses of champagne on an empty stomach, Tish had loosened up. And it helped that her usual plus one was not boring her to death with tales of his accounting business. Of course A.J.’s running commentary on the various inappropriate fashions worn by some of the guests had those at her table in stitches. It made for a warped kind of “red carpet” and helped that everyone at the table was a lawyer with a wicked sense of humor.
All’s fair in love and fashion faux pas.
Tish got into the spirit of things, pointing out a young woman on the dance floor with royal blue hair and a black dress. “What about that one, A.J.?”
“Costume de riguer for a Smurf at a funeral.”
Everyone laughed as one of the male guests singled out a guy wearing a bright green sport coat over a tie-dyed shirt. “How about the guy in the green, A.J.?”
“Looks like he won the Masters golf tournament in the sixties. At Woodstock.” Then A.J.’s eyes widened. “Oh. My. God.”
Tish looked around to see what had captured her attention. “What?”
“Target at twelve o’clock. Cheap bimbo at the bar who looks like she needs a bail bondsman and a public defender.”
Tish’s jaw dropped as she spotted the top-heavy woman spilling out of a very short candy apple red bandage dress that left little to the imagination. “Think she’s a leftover from the bachelor party?”
“Sounds about right,” said one of the guys. “I guess she forgot her stripper pole. Anybody got some dollar bills?”
A.J. laughed as she shook her head. “Who the hell brings a woman dressed like that to a wedding?”
“Hell, what kind of woman dresses like that for a wedding?” Tish watched the girl as she left the bar carrying two drinks. “We’re about to find out who brought a date from Caligula’s palace.” The woman weaved her way through the crowd on the dance floor, nearly falling down as she was obviously drunk. Then took a seat next to—
Tish’s face dropped along with her voice. “Oh, no. I don’t believe it.”
A.J. turned to her. “What?”
“She’s with my white knight.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Nope. Sonofabitch.” Her heart sank as she grabbed her drink and threw it down. “Aw, shit. I guess I read him wrong.”
A.J. grabbed her arm. “Hang on a minute. She might just be sitting next to him.”
“She just handed him a drink. Dammit, if he likes that type then I’m really not—”
Suddenly Spencer turned and spotted her looking at him. He flashed a big smile and waved.
“Well, don’t worry your pretty little head. I’ll find out,” said A.J.
“Huh? How are you going to find out?”
“Wave him over, dumbass. And smile.”
Spencer leaned over to his date. “Hey, I’m going to go say hello to a friend.”
The girl whipped her head around, looking in all directions. “Who?”
“A lawyer I know.” He nodded in the direction of Tish. “She’s sitting over there.”
Jennifer looked around. “Which one? The brunette on the dance floor? She’s fat.”
He rolled his eyes as he shook his head, didn’t answer and got up.
“Hey!”
He ignored her and headed toward Tish, laser locked on her. She smiled and got up to greet him. “Tish, we just keep running into each other.”
She nodded. “Can’t believe we’re at the same wedding.” She reached down and pulled A.J. out of her chair. “Spence, this is one of my dear friends, A.J.”
He shook her hand and smiled. “Pleasure, A.J.”
A.J sized him up. “You too. I’m her plus one since she wasn’t interested in any of the other men who were free tonight. The one she wanted to go with was already tied up.”
Tish shot her a wide eyed look.
A.J. looked over his shoulder. “Uh, your companion over there doesn’t look too happy.”
Spencer rolled his eyes. “Last time I let a friend fix me up with a blind date for a wedding. I’ll never hear the end of it next time I’m in the courthouse.”
Tish smiled a bit. “Oh, so she’s not your—”
“I’m not dressed like a pimp, am I?”
Tish couldn’t help but laugh. “Uh, no. You look very nice.”
“You both look terrific. Anyway, just met her two hours ago. At the rate she’s throwing down scotch I’ll be carrying her home.” He noted the band finished a fast song and started a slow one. He took Tish’s hands. “How about a dance, Tish from the hotel?”
Tish looked at the bimbo, then back at him. “I dunno, Spence, your date looks awfully steamed.”
He turned to A.J. “I will give you a thousand dollars if you can find a guy to go hit on her.”
A.J. laughed, gave Tish a wink and pushed her toward him. “Go dance. I’ll find some sucker who thinks with the wrong head. Oh, Tish, I’ll hold your glasses.”
“Huh?”
A.J reached up and removed her glasses, then gave her a wide-eyed look. “You don’t want these flyin’ off while you’re dancing, do you? Like they always do when you dance?”
“Oh, right.”
Tish turned back to him and he got a close up look at those eyes for the first time. His jaw dropped slightly. “Whoa.”
“Whoa, what?”
“I’ve, uh…well, come on.”
He led her to the dance floor, took one hand in his while resting the other lightly on her waist. She put her free hand on his shoulder as they began to sway to the music. He locked eyes with her. “Y’know, if I’d paid more attention to you the day I bought you a soda, I wouldn’t be stuck with her tonight.”
“Back up a minute. You didn’t tell me what the whoa was for.”
“Oh. Your eyes are such an amazing color. They’re really spectacular. Hard to appreciate them with your glasses on.”
“Why, thank you, kind sir. People do say it’s my best feature.”
“No argument here. If you didn’t wear glasses I’d swear they were colored contacts. They’re such a deep blue.”
“I tried wearing contacts but they don’t work for me. Really irritate my eyes. Besides, glasses make a woman look smarter, or so I’ve heard.”
“I don’t think you need any help in that department, Miss Valedictorian.”
“By the way, you have gorgeous eyes as well. Such a beautiful olive green.”
“Are we going to spend the evening complimenting each other?”
She shrugged. “I could live with that.” Tish looked over his shoulder. “Oooh, speaking of eyes, your date is shooting daggers at me. Talk about a death stare.”
“Good, maybe she’ll get jealous and find someone else to take her home.”
“A blonde in that dress and with that body…it shouldn’t be hard.”
“I dunno, some guys have a bad allergic reaction to silicone. And she’s not a blonde unless she dyed her roots brown on purpose.”
“You’re funny, Spence.”
“But speaking of blondes, you look fabulous.”
“I thought we were done with the compliments. You trying to butter me up?”
“Oh, absolutely. So, was A.J. kidding about why she’s your plus one tonight?”
“Nope. The available male choices were not remotely inspiring. Of course, she wouldn’t be my date if you’d paid more attention when buying me a soda.”
“Geez, I’ll never live that down either. Though I would think men would be beating down your door.”
“They don’t, but I’m very particular anyway. And I have unfortunately discovered that a lot of men are intimidated by smart women and prefer…well, dates like yours. Also, I have an unlimited number of peremptory strikes.”
“Ah. So since you’re dancing with me I guess I am acceptable to this attorney.”
“The jury is still out pending further cross-examination, but you seem to be a good fit for this case so far.”
“So, you a friend of the bride or groom?”
“The groom. And you?”
“The blushing bride. So is he gonna treat her right?”
“Absolutely. He’s a great guy. What about her?”
“Total sweetheart. Really decent person and smart as hell. We’ve been friends for years.”
“Good to hear. Speaking of decent, you’d better do the right thing and get back to your table soon because your date looks like she is about to make a scene, and you don’t want that at a wedding reception.”
He spun her around so that he was facing the woman, who looked livid. He smiled at her and gave her a wave as the dance ended. “While I’d much rather spend the evening at your table and dancing with you, I think you’re right.”
“I’m always right. Now shake my hand, pat me on the shoulder and give me a wave.”
“Huh?”
“Let her think I’m just a friend. Then get her drunk as fast as possible and get her outta here. I’ll see you soon enough.”
“Okay. Sounds like a plan.”
“And if you don’t want to dance with her, pretend to twist your ankle on the way back to the table.”
“Excellent idea. Now I can see why you were the valedictorian.”
“That stuff ain’t in a book, Spence. Basically it’s bad dates 101.”
He followed her instructions, shook her hand, patted her on the shoulder and gave her a wave, then turned and fell to the floor. He grimaced as he grabbed his ankle, then got up and hobbled back to the table.
“So who was that?” asked his date, arms folded, still glaring at Tish, not at all concerned with his fall.
“Like I said, a lawyer I know. Just a friend.” He started to take off his shoe.
“Good.” She took his hand and yanked. “C’mon, let’s dance.”
He shook his head. “Sorry, I really twisted my ankle when I fell. It hurts like hell.” He flagged over a nearby waiter. “Hey, can I get a bag of ice? I think I sprained my ankle.” The waiter nodded and headed to the kitchen.
“So, what’s the deal, you can’t dance with me?”
“Afraid not. I’m sure you can find someone as a partner. Plenty of single guys here.” He pointed to the table where the friend who had fixed him up was seated. “I think you’d like the guy with the purple tie. He can’t stay off the dance floor.”
Payback.
She shook her head and threw her napkin on the table. “Fine. Sit here by yourself with your…ankle.” She got up and headed to a table filled with men, grabbed his friend without asking and hauled his ass to the dance floor.
Spencer turned toward Tish’s table, saw her laughing and mouthed a “thank you.”
*
Spence had kept Tish and A.J. laughing as they had turned their chairs to watch the hilarious goings-on at his table. The party girl was giving him an earful and shaking her finger at him when she wasn’t on the dance floor doing the bump-and-grind with any man she could find. Every time she left the table to get another drink he looked at Tish and did some hilarious pantomime, using his thumb and index finger to shoot himself with an imaginary gun or wrap an invisible rope around his neck to hang himself. Tish pointed at the parade of empty glasses in front of her seat and mouthed “how many.” He counted and held up eight fingers.
“Damn,” said A.J. “How the hell does a woman that little drink that much? She can’t be more than a hundred pounds.”
“Most have a hollow leg. And about twenty of those pounds are silicone.” The song ended and she saw the woman head back to the table, seriously unsteady this time. “Ah, this could be last call for our designated tramp. I think she’s finally had one for the road. Wait for it…” The girl reached the table, swayed in a circle. “Going… going …” Then she practically collapsed on top of Spence. “Gone. And she is down for the count. Stick a fork in her, the party girl is done.” She watched him pat her on the face, then shake her without any response. The woman was a passed-out drunk, mouth hanging open like a trophy bass. He looked at Tish, shrugged, stood her up, tossed her over his shoulder and carried her out of the hall.
Twenty minutes later Tish’s cell phone beeped. She pulled it from her purse and saw a text. “Hey, it’s from Spence.”
A.J. leaned over to take a look. “Oooh, let me see.”
Just dropped off comatose date. Thanks for saving me from dancing with her. You’re brilliant. See you soon. Can’t wait.
-Spence
A.J. pointed at the phone. “Reply with something fun.”
She thought a minute, then tapped the keys on the phone.
You mean you didn’t have your way with her?
-Tish
The reply came back fast.
Prefer women who are conscious and have a brain. I poured her through the mail slot.
They both laughed. “He’s a quick wit,” said A.J. “Keep it going.”
Tish typed out a message but hesitated.
If you come back to the reception you can dance with a woman who’s conscious. Band still here for two more hours.
Operators are standing by.
“Should I send it?”
A.J. shook her head, rolled her eyes, reached over and tapped the send button. “Damn, Tish, sometimes you’re hopeless.”
The reply came back in an instant.
Just made illegal U-Turn. No cops in sight. About to exceed speed limit.
Tish flashed a big smile. “Thank you, A.J. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
A.J. pointed at the phone. “Tell him I wanna go home and ask if he can give you a ride.”
“You want to go home? I thought you were having a good time.”
“Madonne. Do I have to shoot you with the clue gun?”
“Oh. Right. I get it. You don’t really—”
“Give me the damn phone!” A.J. grabbed it, wrote a text and hit the send button.
A.J. is feeling tired. Any chance you can run me home after the reception? I’m staying on Staten Island tonight. If it’s too far out of the way, I understand.
Another quick response.
Change of venue not a problem. Appeal granted.
A.J. picked up her purse and stood up. “Okay, I’m gettin’ out of the way.”
“Thanks, A.J.”
“I’ll send you a bill for my services. And you’d better call Madison and tell her you’ll be home late.”
“Why?”
“Why? I saw the way he looked at you. And the way you looked at him. Trust me, you’ll be gettin’ home late. If you get home at all.”