List No. 105

RESCUE ETIQUETTE

Mark Twain

1962

In 1962, 52 years after the death of humourist Mark Twain, a collection of his previously unseen writing was published in the form of a book titled Letters from the Earth. Included in that book, along with numerous pieces on such subjects as religion and morality, is an extract from an “unfinished burlesque of books on etiquette” of Twain’s which sees him list, in order of importance, 27 types of people and furniture to be rescued from boarding house fires.

In assisting at a fire in a boarding house, the true gentleman will always save the young ladies first—making no distinction in favor of personal attractions, or social eminence, or pecuniary predominance—but taking them as they come, and firing them out with as much celerity as shall be consistent with decorum. There are exceptions, of course, to all rules; the exceptions to this one are:

Partiality, in the matter of rescue, to be shown to:

1. Fiancées.

2. Persons toward whom the operator feels a tender sentiment, but has not yet declared himself.

3. Sisters.

4. Stepsisters.

5. Nieces.

6. First cousins.

7. Cripples.

8. Second cousins.

9. Invalids.

10. Young-lady relations by marriage.

11. Third cousins, and young-lady friends of the family.

12. The Unclassified.

Other material in boarding house is to be rescued in the following order:

13. Babies.

14. Children under 10 years of age.

15. Young widows.

16. Young married females.

17. Elderly married ditto.

18. Elderly widows.

19. Clergymen.

20. Boarders in general.

21. Female domestics.

22. Male ditto.

23. Landlady.

24. Landlord.

25. Firemen.

26. Furniture.

27. Mothers-in-law.