The car draws to a halt in the leafy lane that not so many years ago was barely a mule track. In front of us is a set of tall, Matisse-blue gates. Ours.
‘C’est bon, we’ll walk the rest of the way,’ Michel informs our driver.
Our man at the wheel is puzzled, and so am I.
Michel smiles, and insists. ‘Vraiment, there’s no need to take us further.’
In the trunk of this Mercedes taxi is an extremely heavy suitcase, an aluminium briefcase containing Michel’s video-camera equipment, two laptops and one hand-painted didgeridoo measuring close to four feet in length, as well as sundry pieces of rather battered hand luggage. It is evident to anyone that carrying all this will be no easy exercise. It is also obvious that beyond the locked gates there is a drive which snakes up a steep hillside, and we are both exhausted and jet-lagged. We have been travelling for more than twenty-four hours. Yes, the prospect of carting our luggage by hand and tramping the hill on foot feels like more than I am able to face, but now I see what Michel has seen.
Our three dogs, led by Lucky, the German Shepherd, are bounding down the drive. Lucky, who had been abandoned, and who I found curled up like a moth-eaten mat at the foot of our property, bone-thin and nervy. We decided to adopt her, and here she is now, airborne at the gates, barking and growling at the innocent driver.
He stares fearfully at her. ‘Ah, vous avez raison, monsieur.’
Our bags are swiftly unloaded, the fare is settled and, once the car has safely rounded the corner, Michel unlocks the iron gates. They creak like a mummy’s tomb as I pull them open and three sets of canine paws land firmly on my stomach, tails wagging.
We are home.
I scan the terraces, planted with row upon row of ancient olive trees. It is April, late spring. Here in the hills behind the Côte d’Azur, the olive groves are delicately blossomed with their tiny, white-forked flowers. Beyond them, perched halfway up the slope of the hill, our belle époque villa comes into view. Abounding in balustrade terraces, nestling among cedars and palms, facing out at a south-westerly angle, overlooking the bay of Cannes towards the sun-kissed Mediterranean, there it is, Appassionata, awaiting us.
‘Mmm, it’s good to be back,’ I murmur.
‘Would you like me to carry you?’ asks Michel.
‘Carry me? I know I’m tired, but I’m not that exhausted!’
‘Over the threshold, chérie,’ he adds with a grin and a wink.
Ah, yes. I had momentarily forgotten. We are returning to our olive farm as man and wife. We tied the knot a week ago at the wackiest of wedding ceremonies. Our nuptials took place on the tiny tropical atoll of Aitutaki, one of the Cook Islands in the South Pacific.
‘You know, I never thought I’d go through with it,’ I giggle.
‘What’s that?’
‘Getting married.’
‘Well, there you go.’
I smile, reminding myself of how it all came about.
The first time Michel proposed to me was in Australia on our very first date. We were sitting side by side at a table in an open-air restaurant in Elizabeth Bay; shy strangers awaiting two plates of Sydney Bay prawns.
‘I think we have a problem,’ Michel said to me.
I looked across at him in surprise.
‘I’ve fallen in love with you,’ he muttered softly. ‘Will you marry me?’
I confess that I was completely blown away and reacted as any amazed woman might, which was to gulp down a huge mouthful of my Brown Brothers Chardonnay and shrug off the proposal with a confused laugh. The fact is, I didn’t take this handsome, blue-eyed man seriously. In any case, I was a career girl, a thirty-something actress, independent, ambitious, in demand and not the type to settle down. Or so I was perpetually reminding myself in those days. Terrified of commitment, scared of losing or being hurt was probably closer to the truth. And although within months of that first dinner in Australia we had scrambled together the rather substantial cash deposit to secure this gloriously dilapidated property, I hedged my bets as far as marriage was concerned. Until one morning, the following autumn, Michel flew in to London from Paris, arrived at my flat, went down on one knee, small, square jewellery box in one hand and the other holding mine, and said: ‘We have known each other a year now. A year to the day, exactly. We have our olive farm. Soon all the papers will be signed and it will officially belong to us. I think we are very happy. Both my daughters adore you, Carol, chérie, and I, je t’aime avec tout mon coeur. So will you, please, accept to be my wife now?’
My heart was beating like a clapperboard. I love Michel passionately, but was I capable of taking that final step?
Out popped my answer. ‘Only if the King of Tonga marries us.’
What did I know of the King of Tonga? No more than anyone else: that he was famous for his massive girth, was the ruling monarch of a small archipelago of Pacific islands and that he was Polynesian. It was a flippant response intended only to buy me more time and keep that final itsy bit of commitment at bay. But even then, after so many months of living with Michel, I was underestimating the measure of his love for me and the tenacity of a film producer’s spirit – or this one’s, certainly – for they can usually be counted upon to provide whatever mise en scène has been requested.
A few weeks later I was back in Sydney and at work. I was filming a series based on a book written by me and produced by Michel. A fax arrived at the hotel from the kingdom of Tonga, addressed to me. Buried in the make-believe world of the role I had created for myself, I had completely forgotten my careless riposte of weeks earlier and so the fax bemused me at first. It was handwritten by the King’s personal secretary. Standing in the hotel lobby, I read on. The communication sought photocopies of my and my parents’ birth certificates and my current passport, details of criminal record, if any, religious adherences, etc. I flipped to the next page, heart palpitating, beginning to anticipate what was coming. Continuing, His Highness’s secretary explained that the King insisted all betrothed visiting his island be scrupulously investigated before any ‘joining in holy matrimony blessed by His Royal Highness could be approved’.
I dashed upstairs to my seaview suite, telephoned Paris, woke Michel and immediately began to interrogate him. ‘Is this a practical joke?’ I cried. ‘Is it? I mean, what’s it all about?’
I could almost hear the smile in his voice as he confirmed that, as I had entreated, we were to be married in the royal kingdom by none other than King Taufa’ahau Tupou IV, the King of Tonga. To say that I was stunned when I replaced the receiver would be an understatement. Still, after a minor panic attack, my enthusiasm for the idea began to grow. A South Sea-island wedding, warm, spumy waves lapping our naked toes as they sank into golden sands, a portly Polynesian potentate waving a scarlet hibiscus or two over our heads, muttering blessings in an incomprehensible tongue … Mmm, I thought, if I’ve got to go, then this is the way to go.
Having furnished the necessary mountain of paperwork, I then learned that the wedding ceremony would be a very different function to the one I had been dreaming of. The King was a devout Methodist. There would be no beach celebrations, no champagne. Prayers, countless hymns and a protracted service would be the order of the day, and no alcohol. I have nothing against such weddings for those who select them but it was not what I had envisaged for us, and so I rang Michel again. This time to explain, rather sheepishly, that I didn’t fancy the wedding he was organising.
‘Couldn’t we just forget it?’ I muttered, all too aware of the trouble he must have gone to to bring the arrangements thus far.
He accepted my reservations without complaint. All plans were halted, and not much more was said on the subject of marriage until three years later, which is to say a little more than a month ago.
We were back in Sydney, the city where we met four years earlier, having dinner with a fellow television producer and longstanding friend of Michel’s, Roger. During the course of the meal he asked, in the rather blunt manner Australians sometimes favour: ‘I thought you folks were getting spliced. What happened? Decided yer don’t like one another? I warned yer she’d be too much for yer, mate!’
I blushed as Michel recounted my objections to the almost forgotten Tongan escapade. Roger guffawed and laughed. ‘Bloody lucky escape, I’d say, mate. That old bugger’s a religious nut. And they’re all still cannibals at heart. You must have heard the story about his mother, the old Queen, when she travelled on the QE2?’ And before we could reply, Roger proceeded to recount the well-known anecdote about Queen Salote who, when handed the dinner menu at the captain’s table, perused it briefly before passing it back to the waiter, saying, ‘There’s nothing there I fancy. Please bring the passenger list.’
‘Listen, why don’t you go to Rarotonga? The — Hotel will put on a good do for yer, and no questions asked. Won’t even check if y’er already married! Get yerselves spliced, Polynesian style.’
Rarotonga, I learned then, is the capital of the fifteen Cook Islands, which remain, loosely speaking, a protectorate of New Zealand. As it turned out, Michel and Roger had filmed the pilot for a television series on one of the southern islands, Aitutaki, which they claimed was ‘absolutely gorgeous’.
‘I’ll send a fax to the manager. He knows me. They’ll do it for yer almost on the spot and it’ll only cost yer thirty dollars. Lot cheaper than the divorce’ll be.’ He grinned at me with a wink. ‘Two days on the island is all you’ll need. Buy the certificate on yer way in; they’ll stamp and date it for two days later and Bob’s yer uncle. Sit on the beach and tank up on a few tinnies while they get all the festivities rolling. I’d come along, be worst man for yer, but I can’t leave, mate, I’m in pre-production.’
And so we arrive in Rarotonga, where blustering rain greets us, armed with a copy of the telex sent to the hotel by best mate Roger as well as his rather splendid, if a touch cumbersome wedding gift to us: a hand-painted, hand-carved didgeridoo which stands chest-height off the ground and which neither of us can raise a sound out of.
The rain rattles like gunshots against the corrugated roof as we enter the customs shed.
‘Film producer?’ enquires the customs officer.
Michel nods.
‘Are you carrying any unsuitable film material or pornographic magazines with you?’ Michel assures him that we are not while I, waiting alongside them, silently marvel at the proportions of this man. I am reminded that when I visited Fiji for the first time I never ceased to be amazed by the size of everyone’s feet. Great paddles, they were, in sturdy brown leather sandals, creaking and slapping against the dry, dusty earth. The locals here are Maoris, Polynesians, not Melanesians, as the Fijians are. Still, this officer’s feet, his whole physique, are simply stupendous. Michel is over six feet tall but in order to look this man in the eye he is obliged to crane his neck. My husband-to-be explains that the purpose of our visit is to get married. The man smiles jovially and we are, as Roger promised, furnished with a piece of paper – our wedding certificate – dated (but not yet signed by a church minister) for two days hence.
A taxi takes us through the sloshing, muddied capital of Avarua and delivers us to our beachside hotel, where the native staff greet us in a friendly, if ponderous way. We introduce ourselves to a pretty desk clerk at reception and she plods off in search of Jim, the manager. He is a complete contrast: a harassed New Zealander who bursts from his office as though on the run and greets us anxiously. ‘Welcome,’ he mutters distractedly, not looking us in the eye, while pumping our hands. ‘Yes,’ he says, he has been expecting us and, yes, he received the telex and he has come up with an idea. He will arrange for one of his staff to row us and the minister out to a speck of an islet about forty yards offshore, where the service will take place, and then row us back for a champagne breakfast in the dining room.
‘Sounds good,’ we smile uncertainly.
We are standing at the entrance to the lobby, hemmed in by streaming rain. I glance towards this balding manager – what hair remains is powdered with dandruff; his eyes are bloodshot, bleary-looking with heavy, puffy bags semi-circling them; his nicotine-stained fingers are trembling and it occurs to me that he might have a drink problem – and then I peer out to sea, squinting at where he is pointing, but I see nothing. The sheet of rain coming in off the steel-grey ocean has obscured the islet in question.
‘Don’t worry, it will be clear and dry by Saturday. There might even be a nice breeze, if the weather forecast is to be believed.’ But his nasal whine suggests that nothing in life can be counted on. ‘The monsoon season finished a month ago. This shouldn’t be happening,’ he adds, desperately attempting to conceal concern.
I smile again and stare back towards the dining room. It is remarkably dark. In fact, everywhere in the hotel is dark. The place has a neglected, lost-in-the-middle-of-oblivion feel to it. In all the hotels on all the Pacific islands I have ever visited I have always been thrilled by the beauty of the brilliantly coloured, erotically shaped flowers displayed in vases at reception, the robust succulents growing in the surrounding gardens. Here there are none. None at all. I don’t like it here, I am thinking. We have been flying for five hours, so it is probably my mood and the depressing weather. Tomorrow, after a good night’s sleep and a bit of tropical sunshine, I will be bursting with excitement at the approach of our wedding day. I must buck up. Still, standing in this godforsaken lobby, I find it hard to believe not only Rarotonga’s claims to have one of the densest tourist trades in the South Pacific but that it is a much sought-after and applauded holiday destination.
Our room is up two flights of darkly varnished wooden stairs. It is a simple space, not dissimilar to a room in a downmarket motel. Simple and damp. It smells musty, of mothballs and well-trodden carpet. The furnishings are worn. There is one chair covered in a threadbare fabric, limp burned-orange curtains, our double bed, with its sickly-white counterpane and sunken centre, a built-in wardrobe and one wooden shelf at knee-height which now holds our suitcase, Michel’s camera equipment and our didgeridoo. Adjacent to this is our en-suite, cupboard-sized bathroom with its slanting tiled floor and a shower nozzle in the ceiling a couple of feet to the left of the electric lightbulb, which is screened by a white plastic, tulip-shaped shade with a crack up one side of it.
The view from our only window looks out over the car park towards the interior of the island where, in this filthy weather, the volcanic mountains tower, black and threatening.
Perhaps my desire for these days, this occasion, to be perfect is unrealistic. But however naïve and sentimental I may be, by any standards this is not promising. I feel choked with emotion but unable to communicate any of it. I am thirty-eight years old and have never been married before. Fear of commitment, a violent childhood and an over-acute sense of romanticism have kept me single. I wanted this to be special. I have travelled a fair amount in my adult life and ended up alone in some dead-end dives, yet I have almost always managed to retain a modicum of humour or at least my sense of adventure by assuring myself that at some point in an unforeseen future the situation will make good copy. But this is different. Or so some inner voice keeps repeating.
Is this Roger’s idea of a bloody good practical joke, cobber?
I decide to put on a brave face and unlock our suitcase ready to begin the unpacking. Michel is on the telephone alongside the bed – an ancient cream appliance with no dial which looks as though it has been thrown out and found its way to a bric-à-brac stall. He is trying to contact reception. Finally, he gives up and decides to walk back downstairs.
‘I’m going to see if they have another room,’ he mutters impatiently as he closes the door. I cross to the window and gaze out at the rain. It is falling like a barrage of knitting needles. I cross to the bed and lie down, sinking into the pillow, which smells awful and is humid against my clammy cheeks. A tear falls, and I feel miserable.
The storm persists throughout Friday. Its density prevents us from going out in the rowing boat to visit the islet where the wedding is to take place. Jim, desperate to keep his cool, now suggests a contingency plan which is that, should the rain not let up, we will be married at the point of a roofed pontoon that juts a few metres out to sea from the hotel beach. We see little alternative but to accept, and so the plans are rearranged.
Miraculously, fortunately, somewhere around eleven on Saturday morning, the weather clears, blown away by a tradewind approaching from the south-east, from the direction of the Tropic of Capricorn and Easter Island. The sodden, palm-covered pontoon is now swaying back and forth in the surging swash like the tail of a gigantic prehistoric reptile.
Still damp from my shower, I stare at it from our room on the first floor – we moved yesterday – while water from my shampooed hair drips on to my shoulders and runs in rivulets down my naked body. I have no idea where Michel is; I have hardly seen him these last two days except during our meals together in the cheerless dining room. It has been too wet to consider wandering in to town. I dress myself in a bathing costume and sarong and decide to dry my hair in the wind on the beach. Anything to get out of this bloody room.
A glimmer of sun breaks through the banks of fast-moving clouds. My hair is whipping against my face, streaking my eyes, as I perch on a boulder and look out across the South Pacific to a horizon barely delineable. I am thinking about life back at our olive farm, and our future plans for it, wishing I was there, when, suddenly, carried on the wind, I hear my name and turn to see Michel running towards me, waving wildly. I leap to my feet.
‘What’s up?’ I cry.
‘Get dressed, we’re leaving!’ he shouts as he approaches.
‘Leaving? But I thought we were getting married!’
‘We are, but not here. Come on, let’s go. I’ve packed the case.’
Blown by the wind, I stagger after him, completely bemused.
‘Where are we going?’ I call, but Michel cannot hear me, or he is not listening. He has a scheme afoot, and it involves settling the bill, organising someone to collect our case and ringing for a taxi to take us to a strip of the airport reserved for private inter-island aircraft. Amid the scramble I have to bullet back to the room after the taxi has pulled up because we realise that the bellboy has not collected the didgeridoo, and then scurry to the lobby loo to change from bathing suit and sarong into shorts and a top dragged from the case.
So it is only once we are seated, squashed together at the back of a plane loaded with sacks of unripe bananas, do I receive an answer to my question.
‘Aitutaki. I telexed yesterday and have just received a reply. A representative from the hotel there will collect us at the airport and we will be married in their garden later this afternoon.’ He puts his arm around me and draws me towards him. ‘I have told them we would like something special. So, we’ll have our Polynesian wedding after all, and because the storm has not touched that island, we’ll have sunshine, too. After the service we’ll drink New Zealand champagne and swim in the crystal-clear lagoon. It’s the most magnificent I have ever seen.’
Aitutaki.
Stuck in our Rarotonga hotel, I have been reading a bunch of South Pacific guidebooks I picked up in Sydney. I know that Aitutaki is one of the most northerly of this southern group of Cook Islands. Other facts I have learned: the Pacific Ocean is larger than all five continents put together; its depth is deeper than all other oceans; reef sharks and plentiful other more dangerous family members inhabit these waters; sharks have not evolved in many hundreds of thousand of years, which is proof of their perfectly proportioned form; coral is the fastest-produced structure of anything created by any living beings. Some of these fascinating if not terribly useful bits and pieces I have gleaned while trying to keep myself sane during the interminable rain, dreading a dismal beginning to married life, which I, with my acutely superstitious Irish nature, might have read as a bad omen.
The pilot arrives, apologising profusely. He is in his early thirties, has lustrous, bleached hair and a thick Aussie accent. There will be a short delay because the wind is too strong to take off, but once we are airborne, he assures us, it will be a smooth and pleasant ride.
I cannot deny a silent moment of scepticism.
The engine of our plane drones like a snoring bee, the air in the cabin is stifling, the bananas, green when we left Rarotonga, smell so fruity that I think they must have ripened during the two-hour flight. My head aches from the lack of fresh air and because I haven’t eaten a thing all day. But I am thrilled by what awaits us below.
Michel is filming our approach to Aitutaki through the window on the left-hand side of the plane. Occasionally I lean against his sticky flesh and gaze down upon what he sees. It is little different from what I am looking at: tiny, sand-banked atolls, motus, in turquoise water so clear you can almost see the fish swimming. Here and there a lone, dark-skinned fisherman leans out from his canoe to draw in his net. The triangular-shaped lagoon is fringed with small, white waves breaking against the coral reefs which, in turn, are ringed by deeper, greener waters, winking and sparkling in the sun like precious stones. There are lagoons within lagoons. Turquoise, white, green, aquamarine smudged with golden shafts of sunlight: a sultan’s jewellery casket.
I hear the shift in the engine’s whine and the plane inclines to the right. Bags of bananas slide heavily against my feet as we swoop and then dip gently seawards. The pilot calls to us from the cockpit to get ready. ‘Landing in ten,’ he shouts. And then I catch sight of ‘our’ island. It slides into view as though from the other side of the curvature of the world. Aitutaki, a slug-shaped mass of pale honey sand peppered with sparse patches of one- or two-storey shacks and buildings buried among forests of palms whose fronds are waving and flapping in the wind like happy dancing girls.
‘Yes!’ I turn and press my head into Michel’s chest and kiss him hard. ‘Thank you.’
A short, fat, local woman holding a page torn from a notebook which reads, ‘Carol and Michelle’ awaits us in the shade out of the broiling afternoon sun. I step into and immediately out beyond airport customs, which is little more than a corrugated shack, home to no more activity than a dozen flies buzzing in circles. Sealing-wax red flowers are in blossom everywhere in large, square-shaped tin cans. A Cook Islander, wearing a straw Stetson and chewing, sits patiently in an open Jeep, the only vehicle in sight. I wave and hurry towards our female guide while Michel remains busy with the pilot. Our case is unloaded; dollars exchange hands; the pilot gestures his thanks and climbs aboard his aircraft. Aitutaki is not his destination – he has made the stopover only to accommodate us. I introduce myself to the woman, whose name is Gladys, and point to Michel, who is approaching. Gladys frowns, looking confused.
‘Who’s he?’ she asks, in an unexpectedly accusatory tone.
‘Michel,’ I repeat.
‘Michel? But we thought Michel was a woman! We thought Carol and Michel were two women!’ She rocks with hammer blows of laughter, pulls two garlands of sweetly scented white frangipani flowers out of a raffia shopping basket and hangs them like necklaces round our necks, then waddles to the Jeep, gesturing us to follow. ‘Well, that’s a relief! The minister was shocked. Come on, climb on in.’
Gladys and Harris, her tall, robust son, the driver of the Jeep, Michel and I are now floating towards our hotel aboard a raft ferry. Gladys uses the ten-minute journey to inform us that because the plane was delayed by the winds and it is now half past five, the wedding will have to take place tomorrow.
‘The minister is keen to talk to you,’ she says. ‘He hopes to meet with you after his service in the morning which you will, of course, attend, and then, if he finds everything in order, he will perform the holy rites a little later in the day. But you’re not to worry, he’ll see you at the church hall this evening for the singing.’ I am admiring the lush vegetation and listening to the creek water slapping against the raft, aware that Michel at my side has also cottoned on to the fact that the minister she is referring to, as well as herself, her family and probably ninety per cent of the inhabitants of this corner of the island, is clearly either a member of the Cook Islands Christian Church or a Mormon. As far as we are concerned, both faiths, as practised here, lean towards zealous. I have been reading during our rainy sojourn in Avarua that since the missionaries left these islands the American evangelists have moved in and have found great success here.
Everyone disembarks. Harris, carrying all our cases, plods forth, leading the way to reception, which is hardly difficult to find because the hotel and complex, even with its dependencies, are compact. Well, tiny. The resort consists of the main reception building with its dining room and eight guest huts, the bures. We sign the register and are escorted to our bure by Pururangi, a pretty, if rather beefy, black-haired Polynesian woman in her early twenties who informs us gaily that she has been chosen to be our bridesmaid and witness.
‘I love weddings,’ she trills. ‘What a special weekend. We have the Pearly Stars for two days, too.’
I look heavenwards and see no stars – it is still light – and then out across the lagoon in both directions. This vista is mind-blowing. Black herons are stalking about in the sand or wading at the shore’s edge like cautious holidaymakers mindful of what they might step on. Our hut is the very last between land and Pacific Ocean. There is nothing else except a comma-shaped sandbank and one rather round-shouldered palm between us, the shimmering lagoon and the distant blue horizon. A few yards from the shoreline, I spot shoals of tiny, slender fish leaping up out of the water. They leap as one, an arc of silver, a platinum rainbow, and return to the unseen leaving shimmery ripples in the limpid ocean. Michel suggests that our wedding take place under that very palm. Married on a shelf of sand surrounded by lapping lagoon water, with palm fronds as bower? Too romantic – everything I have dreamed of – but will the minister agree?
Later, when we stroll back to reception, we are greeted by the New Zealander, Tony, who runs the place and his local wife, Bundy. They invite us for a beer, which we readily accept.
‘Never had a foreign wedding here before,’ remarks Tony. ‘If it goes well I might start advertising the idea. Get the tourists in. One of our guests caught sight of you earlier,’ he says to me. ‘Claims you’re a TV star. Is that right?’ Before I can answer he goes on to tell us that they have another celebrity staying. ‘Mabel Burt.’ He stares at us wide-eyed, awaiting our reaction.
We shrug.
‘Mabel Burt, mate, the Maori singer from New Zealand. You haven’t heard of her?’ We shake our heads apologetically. ‘She’s here with her husband and her trio, the Pearly Stars. Funny thing, tomorrow’s her wedding anniversary, so it’s all go here this weekend. I could advertise in the Cook Island News and the New Zealand Times: “Aitutaki: the wedding of your dreams – live like the stars”.’ I am smiling to myself, wondering if Tony is referring to the Pearly Stars or to myself and Mabel Burt who, I calculate, is probably about as internationally celebrated as I am. The idea that anyone would cross the world to play out the same wedding fantasy as Carol Drinkwater or Mabel Burt strikes me as highly amusing and I burst out laughing. Tony is nonplussed by my reaction and, as if to compensate for my irreverence, his wife announces that the minister will interview us later at the village hall after the community singing, and then finalise the arrangements for the wedding after his service in the morning. It is then that Michel deals the blow that almost changes our fortunes on the island. ‘We are neither of us regular churchgoers. We were hoping for something a little less conventional. A tropical wedding, Polynesian-style,’ he states warmly and with great grace. ‘Obviously, we are looking forward to meeting the minister and arranging the ceremony with him, but I doubt that we shall be attending the service in the morning.’
The silence that follows this announcement is as heavy as lead.
‘Well, I’ll pass on your remarks to the minister, but I don’t know what he will have to say about it,’ states Bundy curtly, and with that she rises as though the very idea of dallying at a table with beer-guzzling heathens is an affront to her faith.
What the minister has to say about the matter is perfectly straightforward. He refuses to marry us. In fact, he refuses to meet us at all. As far as the hotel and the church are concerned, we are no longer suitable candidates for the holy sacrament of marriage.
‘Funny, it seemed OK to them when they thought we were both women. Oh, well, now what?’ I ask Michel later, after the community singing in the village hall which we have dutifully attended, and where we have been introduced to the renowned songstress Mabel Burt, who is an affable, broad-faced New Zealand Maori and about as glamorous as her name suggests.
‘We’ll find another solution,’ replies Michel.
I am spreadeagled across the iron bed in our bure, an open book on my stomach, listening to the cadences of the hot, dark night. The air is thick and still. There is no air-conditioning. Instead we have a metal ceiling fan which creaks and spins erratically but does little to shift the lethargy. Beyond the open window the blackness is irradiated by brilliant constellations of Southern Hemisphere stars and by the moon, which is an apple peel off being full. I am mesmerised by it, glowing like a topaz in the ultramarine sky.
It’s daytime in Europe, back at the farm. I wonder how our dogs are getting on. ‘There are no dogs here,’ I murmur. ‘None of that incessant yowling and barking one hears so frequently on remote islands.’
I shift over on to my hip, feeling deliciously at peace, south of the equator, in the tropics, where the towering vegetation barely stirs in the sweltering darkness and where I close my eyes for a second and drink in the rhythmic lapping of the waves. I am toying with the idea of a midnight swim, so invigorating to immerse myself naked in the water’s phosphorescence, when Michel interrupts my reverie.
‘Look at these guys.’
‘What?’
He reaches for his camera, directing it at the flaking white wall where two large shiny-brown cockroaches, the colour of the leather sandals worn in Fiji, are butting up against one another like stags in combat.
‘Jesus, Michel, I hope they don’t bite!’
* * *
The following morning at breakfast in the deserted dining room – everyone else is at church – Pururangi serves us eggs. Back and forth she plods with plates, pots of coffee and Carnation tinned milk, looking very downhearted. Eventually, she owns up to her disappointment. She had been so looking forward to attending a Papa’a wedding and, even better, to have been chosen as bridesmaid, that instead of accompanying her family to the singing at the village hall she had spent her Saturday evening weaving garlands for her hair.
‘Papaya?’ I repeat.
She giggles and explains shyly that Papa’a is the Maori word for foreigners.
‘We would still love to have you as our bridesmaid.’ Michel asks her if she knows anyone else on the island who might agree to marry us.
The question perplexes her. She furrows her brow. ‘I think,’ she pronounces, and trundles off to the kitchen.
We take a small boat out on the lagoon. I want to do some snorkelling and there is precious little else to do to pass the time if we are not now getting married. Michel rows while I watch the gorgeous, technicoloured angel fish darting playfully to and fro before disappearing beneath the hull of our skiff. ‘Coming?’ I ask.
‘You go ahead. I’ll swim in a minute and then I’ll wait here for you.’
I dive overboard, slip on my flippers and scud off towards deeper waters out by the coral reef, hoping to see sharks.
It is a while before I am aware of the sun’s rays burning into my wet, salty back, at which point I turn like a porpoise to cool my flesh and to gauge how far out I have travelled. I catch sight of Michel instantly. He is upright in our bobbing boat, waving and gesturing to me to come back. I flip over on to my stomach and crawl fast back towards the shore. ‘They’ve found someone!’ he shouts when I am within earshot. ‘Let’s go!’
Sand crabs run for cover, vanishing with the agility of liquid into tiny holes as we haul the boat out of the sea and secure it to a tree. An egret circles overhead. The sun is high in the sky. It must be about noon. According to Michel, Pururangi’s husband has gone off on his scooter to one of the neighbouring villages to search out a man he knows who would be more than willing to help us out.
‘Is he another minister?’
Michel has no idea. All he understood from Pururangi’s cries from the shore was that we are to be ready for two o’clock.
We shower and dress. My brightly coloured wedding dress is shoulderless and sleeveless but has a whale-boned bodice and a full, short skirt plumped up with yards of netted petticoat. Within seconds of climbing into it I am perspiring and the netting is scratching my tanned-raw skin. Michel attempts to adjust the speed of the fan at the wall switch but it whines a complaint and beats on at the same monotonous pace. It is half-past one. He suggests we go to reception and find out what the plans are but I cannot face the blistering sun in this frock and wait on the bed. Sitting proves too uncomfortable because the whalebones are pressing into my sunburned buttocks, so I lie back and count the cockroaches. There are seven. At home, geckos, not cockroaches, hang from our whitewashed ceilings and walls. When we return we intend to keep bees.
A short while later, I am woken by excited male voices beyond the window. They are chattering incomprehensibly in what I take to be their local language. Cook Islands Maori is rather similar to the Polynesian languages spoken in Tahiti and Hawaii, or perhaps they are discoursing in a local Aitutaki dialect. I haul myself back on to my feet to take a look. Four burly men are transporting two trestle tables, which they place in the sand alongside ‘our’ palm tree. An island woman, not Pururangi, carrying a pink plastic laundry basket stacked with champagne flutes, brings up the rear.
Who are they expecting? We have no guests.
I see Michel hurrying along the beach. One of the natives who has deposited the table and is returning to the hotel greets him with an enthusiastic handshake. They exchange a word or two and then Michel hurries up the steps to our hut.
‘So, it’s finally happening, is it?’
‘Well, there’s no sign of Pururangi’s husband. According to Tony, it’s nothing to worry about. However, it’s unlikely the ceremony will take place promptly at two. Mr Pururangi rang reception from a callbox a few miles away to say that the man he had in mind has left the island, so he’s going to find another fellow who has been recommended to him.’
‘Right.’ I pad back to the bed. ‘Maybe I’ll take this frock off for a while. It’s killing me. And have a shower.’
‘There’s no water. The generator’s off for a couple of hours. Tony said to apologise. It’ll be back on around four.’
I lie down again, convinced this wedding will never take place.
I am wrong.
At almost five o’clock, Pururangi’s husband pulls up with a male passenger on the back of his scooter. The other man is a Maori chief dressed in shorts and muddied boots; he was working in his garden when Pururangi’s husband called on him and explained the Papa’as’ predicament.
‘Why are you telling me?’ the Maori asked.
‘They would like you to marry them. I’ve been everywhere, can’t find a soul.’
‘Good Lord! Well, why not?’
Our chief is a jolly sort, if a touch confused about the wording of the vows. We settle to discuss it but are interrupted by Tony and Bundy, who have come to warn us that we had better get on with it or the light will fail and it won’t be possible to have the ceremony outside. Darkness falls swiftly in the tropics.
‘Quick, then. Do you want “obey” left in in the sentence to love, honour and obey?’
I decide against obey and, with that, the proceedings begin.
I am rather amazed to find, as Michel takes my arm and solemnly walks me to the tree, that a modest crowd has gathered. Mabel Burt and her trio, the Pearly Stars, each with his ukelele, who have offered to provide the wedding music and entertainment; Mabel’s husband who, it turns out, is a cameraman employed by a New Zealand television station and has agreed to film the occasion with Michel’s camera; a lean, handsome Danish couple and their two naked children who are more taken up with their seashell-hunting than paying attention to our nuptials. The guest who apparently ‘spotted’ me is present with her husband and another middle-aged couple also holidaying at the hotel. All four are originally from England but emigrated to Australia in the late fifties, when the £10 single passage to a new life Down Under was on offer. The first couple are now living in Wellington. They moved to New Zealand, I learn later, because they found that they were less homesick there; its landscape felt more familiar to them. The second are based in Melbourne. They are a curious-looking quartet. Each is sporting a safari hat woven out of freshly cut coconut fronds made especially for them by Pururangi, who stands in splayed bare feet looking solid and resplendent in a brilliant pink shift dress. Her thick, black hair has been plaited with garlands of purple and yellow flowers.
I have slipped a virgin-white hibiscus into my own curly locks.
Mabel and her group strike up the music. A little ditty entitled: ‘She Wears My Ring’.
‘Ring! Oh, Lord!’
It is only then, as we – I in slingback heels – are sinking into soft sand, stepping towards our Maori chief, still in his shorts but now wearing reading glasses and a very serious expression, that it dawns on Michel and I that we haven’t thought to organise a ring. I swiftly slip off the little emerald-encrusted engagement ring he bought me three years ago and shove it into his trouser pocket.
‘We’ll have to use this,’ I whisper. My hands are trembling and I fear I will drop it. ‘Turn it the other way up so you can’t see the stones and don’t, for God’s sake, lose it in the sand.’ My voice is quavering, nagging almost, because I am horribly nervous.
There is little reason to be. The ceremony goes off without a hitch, and even though we cannot claim this to have been an authentic Polynesian wedding – for since the Christians and evangelists have got hold of these islands, what is a Polynesian wedding? – the register is signed and witnessed by plump, dark-skinned, hugely warmhearted people with unpronounceable Polynesian names. All this once our Maori chief, in his khaki boy-scout shorts, has pronounced us man and wife. (No one, not even us, notices that the date on the marriage certificate is incorrect – it still bears yesterday’s date.)
In the waning light of this gloriously bizarre and unforgettable day, as the sun is sinking and pinking a benign gathering of clouds, Michel makes a speech which so guts me that when it comes to my turn to say a few words I cannot utter a sound. Tears are streaming down my face. I hastily toast absent family and friends and hand over to Mabel and her trio, who hum and strum and croon while many bottles of the hotel’s NZ bubbly are quaffed and this motley gathering of complete strangers begin to acquaint themselves with one another.
Our Maori chief, champagne flute in hand, is smiling merrily now. He raises his glass, wishes us years of enduring happiness with many healthy children running about our olive farm, and then thanks us both for inviting him, before admitting shyly that he has had ‘such great fun, far better than spending the afternoon gardening’ and continues: ‘I never thought when I got out of bed this morning I’d be here, performing a Papa’a wedding. But if the chance comes along again, I’ll do it like a shot.’
It is only then that he owns up to the fact that he has never performed any form of marriage service before.
‘Are we legally married?’ I am on the point of whispering to Michel, but then I look about me, marvel at the colours streaking across the ocean from the setting sun, feel the squeeze of a hand wrapped around mine and decide the question is irrelevant.
Back in our bure, we discuss the possibility of lingering a while longer, having a honeymoon. But we have so much to crack on with back home. We are still awaiting the final decision about whether we are to be awarded the coveted AOC award for our virgin olive oil. We settle for an overnight stop in Tahiti, where we hire a red Jeep and drive out of town to the Gauguin Centre. The following morning, after a starlit night in a wooden-stilted house built out in the ocean waves, we catch a dawn flight to Los Angeles, change planes at breakneck speed and land in Nice, exhausted but thrilled to be home.