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“You look awful and your pockets are dripping.”
“I love you to”, I answered with an unfriendly voice.
“Why are your shoes in your hand? You look like the filthy version of the Little Mermaid.
“And if I kick your balls until they bleed, who would you look like?”
“Hey, hey, too much aggressiveness...”
“Just tell me that not having killed an irrational taxi driver, not having undressed me because of unpolluted floors or surviving the killer elevator was worth it.”
“Did you have a good day?”
“Suraj!”
“All right, all right," he raised his arms in defeat as he smiles shamelessly. “You look so much like her that I can't help it.”
“Do I look like who? Cut the crap and tell me if I'm on time or not.”
“If what you're asking is if my friend is inside and I'm betraying him by bringing you in without his consent, then the answer is yes.”
“He still doesn't want to see me... “
My disappointment is clear in my voice.
“Rotunda and vehemently.”
“But why!”
I crawl my wet hair with my fingers so that it doesn't stick to me while I puff annoyed. I'm just trying to support him. Is it so difficult to receive a little comfort from those who love you?
“That's exactly the problem. He doesn't want your compassion.”
“Compassion? But what the hell are you talking about? I know Reed too well to pity him. I wouldn't think of anything like that. I love him and I can't stand not being able to be with him.”
“Anne, you must know that Reed has changed since you left.”
“Of course he's changed, he's in a hospital and he can't move his legs. I think I know perfectly well how changed he is. Suraj, you are not very well... “ I touch his forehead to confirm that stupidity doesn't come from high fevers.
“I’m not talking about the accident”, he shakes his head to keep my hand away. “You'll see, your departure to Italy didn't do him any good and I'm afraid his character became sourer than what’s bearable.
“More than it was?
“To put it mildly: he is an authentic ogre. Before he wasn't the prototype of a charming man, but now he doesn't even bother to pretend he is. When you left, he locked himself in his own darkness.
“Revenge... “
“Yes.”
“And you're not going to tell me against whom or why.”
“I can't.”
“But I think it has something to do with his father. Just answer me this. Is his father's ghost still chasing him?
Suraj picks up his backpack as a sign that he's leaving, but I'm not willing to let my prey go. Someone has to give me information and his best friend is the right candidate.
“Please, I know he's hiding something from me, what is it? What is he afraid of?”
“Fear?” He smiled openly. “That man is not even afraid of death. No, that's not it.”
“His father marked him with something more than lashes...”
“Did he tell you that?”
“Yes, and that's why I think that if you help me, we can both free him from that stupid thirst for revenge.”
“That's impossible. We couldn't.”
I want information and his best friend has what I'm looking for, so I keep digging. I'm the little sister and I know perfectly well how to be the most annoying one among the most annoying ones.
“Please, tell me what you know," I make the eyes of an abandoned puppy to soften him. If I want to help Reed I need more than a small piece of the whole cake. Between the two of us we can free him from the past that overwhelms him so much. We can change his life and help him overcome anything, but for that I need to know what I’m getting myself into.
Suraj moves nervously and I decide to counterattack.
“You're like a brother to him, don't you want the best for his life?”
“Anne," he sighs as he scratches his head. "You know I'm on your side and I want you to rescue him, but I've betrayed Reed too many times already. I helped you escape to Italy even though I knew it would destroy him, I asked you to come to the hospital dispite the shock your presence will cause him. Don't ask me anymore. What he wants or doesn’t want to confess is something that only he can decide.
I bow my head in defeat... for the now. The first attempt lost but it won't be the last. Self-esteem gets ready to go to war.
“The doctors in charge of Olivia have just left, but Reed is still inside”, he changed the subject.
“Any improvement?”
“From their faces, I guess not. I'm afraid Olivia's situation will shut him up even more in himself.”
“Does he love her that much?” I whisper in a low voice.
I bite my tongue but it's too late, I've already said it. The fear of my voice betrays my eternal insecurities. I just looked like an unstable madwoman. Good for me! Self-esteem falls on her face as she tries to kick her own ass.
“I can only assure you that he won't be an easy cake.
“He never was.”
“Anne...” Suraj stops talking and fear runs down my back. What does he want to tell me?
“Yes?”
“I'm not sure how to tell you this, but since you'll find out for yourself, I better tell you first.”
Silence settles again between us and I feel how the hysteria curls up even the last strand of my hair.
“Please, you're killing my nerves. Stop being so suspenseful and spill it once and for all.”
“You see, the accident gave Olivia a deep coma and it led her to a vegetative state. The blow caused her irreversible brain death.”
“I didn't think it was so serious...” I cover my mouth with my hand in disbelief of what I heard.
“The doctors don't think she will survive but they will try to maintain her vital signs by means of an artificial respirator. They need her to stay stable for at least two months more.”
“Do they think she can recover in that time?” I answered hopefully. We were enemies for the love of the same man but I am not so bad as to wish her death. I really want her to recover.
“That's not it.”
“Then?” Suraj moved uncomfortably without saying a word.
“Whatever you have to say to me, delaying it doesn't make waiting any better.”
“You're right. Let's see how I say it in soft words... “
“Suraj!”
“All right, don't get upset. Olivia is pregnant.”
My body freezed and my mind is clouded. A baby? But how is that possible? I saw the result of the predictor myself.
“But the test was negative. Besides, if she had four months when the bachelorette party, and it's been more than six months since I left, I don't understand it... it can't be. The counts don't match...
“Anne.”
I don't listen to him, I just keep thinking and counting the months. It's not possible, it's not his son. She has deceived him.
“Unless...”
I look at Suraj with tears in my eyes waiting for him to deny what I don't want to face.
“Is Reed the father?”
I drop into the cold plastic visitor benches, feeling like a dagger stuck in my back and takes my last breath away. I thought that nothing could stop me, I was willing to fight against everything and everyone, but a baby? I thought that he loved me, I thought that he was hurt, that he had misunderstood my departure but once we saw each other, once he tuched me again, he would realize that he was wrong. I dreamt that he would run into my arms but now he is expecting a baby, a child, the result of a love that is not mine...
“Why?”
“Anne, when you left he lost his will to live.”
“He promised me, he said he didn't love her. He said it was a marriage of appearance only.”
“Your loss drove him crazy and...”
“And that's why he ran to her bed!”
I squeeze my fists and let my nails pin me hard. The pain is not even as hard as the suffering of his betrayal. Olivia is pregnant and they are awaiting two months for their baby to be born. Jesus Christ! It didn't take him two days to look for comfort in her body. I want to scream, push, kick and cry. My chest closes and the cold runs through my hands. I feel hurt and stupid, immensely stupid.
“Anne, Olivia's pregnancy doesn't change anything.”
“Oh no! Are you really saying that? A baby, a baby!”
“You're not seeing things clearly.”
“Damn it, Suraj. He lied to me! He said he loved me more than anyone and threw himself into her arms as soon as I turned the corner. He forgot all his promises and each one of his demonic caresses. I believed him... he kissed me... and I believed him, he promised me his love and... I believed him... I believed him...
“But you're sleeping with Maurizio!”
Suraj's infamous accusation perplexes me. I open my tearful eyes, frightened by the accusation.
“I'm not sleeping with Maurizio! I'm not in love with him, I've never been in love with him. he's also very different, he's just a kind and affectionate man who offered me his friendship when I needed it most.”
“What gave you comfort and for which you only feel grateful?”
“Exactly”, I answered too quickly and Suraj smiles for his victory. “I hope that coming to your senses will let you see that sex rarely has anything to do with feelings, and that men can feel the same way you do”, He spit badly before leaving.
I breathe agitated in the seat trying to calm down. The accusation has reached my soul. Too much, I would say. It is clear that for Maurizio I only feel a deep affection but I cannot deny that if I had stayed in Italy the distance between my body and his bed would have narrowed.
I fall submerged in my own darkness and I am not able to think and although Suraj tries to make me feel guilty, I can't, damn it! I do not expect a son from another man and much less I threw myself into his arms when I was still carrying the caresses of another in my body.
God, jealousy gnaws at me until I lose my mind. I am incapable of seeing anything other than the two of them lying in their bed. I imagine Olivia with her love face as Reed caresses his wife's rounded tummy with his hands. I can't stand it! I pull my hair trying to get rid of the image that goes through my head over and over again, like an old love movie.
Why did I have to leave, why wasn't I able to fight for what I wanted, why did I have to lose it? I let tears run down my face while I try to find an explanation that will help me not to sink into the most absolute despair. When I saw him in that wheelchair, alone, so destroyed, I felt the complete need to embrace him and tell him everything I felt for him. I wanted to show him that the last few months have only been a continuous mistake and that I am willing to make amends for each and every one of my actions, but now everything is so different... Her marriage is not a simple farce, she is expecting a son, a son who wants to survive. A baby who will have her mother's smile, her father's beautiful eyes and nothing of mine.
Without me
“Miss, would you like to come in?”
A kind nurse holds the door to room 404 of the Intensive Care Unit. How long exactly have I been in a catatonic state? My leg’s cramps say it all as I stand up.
“I don't know what to do," I answer hesitantly.
“Well, I leave it open for when you make up your mind," she says with a kind smile and leaves.
“ Thank you.”
My mouth is soggy and my voice is barely coming out of my throat.
I've cried so much sitting here that I haven't been able to think about what’s right or wrong. I want to go in, I want to be by his side, I want to see him, touch him, feel him... No matter how much damage I receive from his actions, I always want to be by his side. His company is like a drug that doesn't release me. I keep thinking about a future together even though anger and jealousy run through my body. I look at my hands and notice how they tremble. Doubt angers and chickens me at the same time. Did he fall in love with Olivia enough to ask her to have a child? Is that creature the fruit of a stronger love than ours? Have I lost him forever? Which one is the right path?
A sad and desolate voice resounds from inside the room and it needs no introduction, I would recognize that deep and rough sound anywhere.
I rise like a sailor haunted by the song of his mermaid. I walk to the door thinking of nothing but the desire to see him. His voice is a fine thread that pulls me without resistance; I simply go where my owner calls me. No matter how much pain he causes me, my feelings for him never change. His gaze hypnotized me the first day I saw him and from that moment on I am a slave of his love.
I walk a few steps slowly and lean against the door frame. My cowardice denies me the gift of the word and my nerves do not allow me to walk much more. I simply hear him sobbing. He is turning his back on me, in his wheelchair with his head down. His black hair is even shinier than before and my fingers move to the sides of my body aching for the need of caressing him. The room is icy white and I feel the silence of death in every corner where I look. Jealousy made me believe something very different from what I have in front of me. What I see is far from being a postcard of a married couple in love. Come on! Now, besides being deceived, I feel stupid. How can I be so silly not to realize the severity of the situation? Olivia is dying and her baby is trying to survive while I am only able to think about my feelings. Is there anyone more selfish than me?
The picture couldn't be sadder and heartbreaking. A beautiful young woman with a bulging belly is covered by huge tubes that, attached to a large machine, sound like giant lungs. They try to keep her alive and give an opportunity to an innocent baby who didn't ask to be born.
Life and death are battling to see who wins and room 404 is the field of helplessness and desolation. Reed in his wheelchair rests his forehead on the mattress as he strokes his wife's hand. He speaks softly like a sinner seeking a forgiveness that never comes. He has not discovered my presence and I have no courage to break into that scene.
Forgive me. It's all my fault, I should have taken you out of the city much earlier... I'm the one who should be in that damn bed. You didn't deserve it... You only wanted to be by my side, you only asked for a little love... you don't know how sorry I am. I am the worst of men. A damn selfish man incapable of loving and whom you thought you could rescue... You should never have loved me... I should have never allowed it. You had to get away from me, I am not good for anyone, pain and suffering are all I know, look what I have done to you.
I shouldn't be listening to this, I don't want to listen to it. His pain tears me apart. His words hurt me. I squeeze my face enduring my own grief.
I asked you not to love me, I pretended that you would forget me and I was stupid enough to believe that you would understand... If I could have loved you, if everything had been different. My head wanted it but your caresses were not...
I have to go, I can't stand it anymore. Tears are strangled in my throat. My chest tightens and I can't breathe. I don't want to listen to him ask another woman for forgiveness. I can't stand to hear his regrets for the past, our past. What woman would have the strength to hear the love of his life apologizing to a woman who isn’t her? I turn to leave as his voice rises and hardens with each of his words.
I couldn't love you because I never forgot her. My cold heart once beat and thought that it was able to live for her but she left and took everything away... Isn't that right, Anne?
I close my eyes as I lean my face against the door, turning my back on him. I was about to leave again but I refuse to excuse myself, he would never understand the enormous storm I’m dealing with.
“How did you know I was here?” I sob and swallow my last tear.
“I felt you at the very moment you walked through the door. Your perfume is one of the many things I can’t forget.”
“Reed, I...”
I hear a sound of wheels and I turn to see how he moves with difficulty towards me. I approach trying to help him but he raises a hand and looks at me with so much coldness that I stop instantly.
“I don't need your help or your compassion. I thank you for visiting but you can leave now," he says with anger as he asks me for space to go out.
“We need to talk.”
My voice is barely coming out. I am nervous. Before I feared his rejection but now I fear much more his indifference. He looks at me like a stranger and his blue eyes show more emptiness and loneliness than I have ever seen. I close the door of the room 404 behind him and I am ready to follow him when he stops in the middle of the corridor.
“Do you want to talk? Now do you want to talk? What exactly do you want to talk about? Are you going to explain why did you abandon me?”
“I didn't abandon you. I couldn't stay...”
“You couldn't stay? I asked you to stay, I begged you to wait for me. I asked you for a little bit of time, but no. You left without looking back. You didn't care about me or my stupid new feelings.”
“You chose her, you married her... You can't blame it all on me.”
“I couldn't avoid it, you were in danger!”
“But I wanted to decide, you had no right to choose for me. The danger would have never mattered to me when I was by your side.”
“Are you blind?!” Don't you know where we are? Did you want to be in Olivia's place? Did you think I could continue with my life if something happened to you? Anne, you never believed in me or what I was feeling.”
“No!”
“Go away and don't come back.”
“No, I won't run away again, I promise, I want to be by your side, please don't reject me...”
“What we had is in the past. Forget about me as I forget about you.”
“Don't say that...” I sob desperately as I face him with tears all over my cheeks. “I was wrong, I admit it, I was afraid, jealous, in pain and twenty thousand other things, but now everything is different. I love you and I don't want to leave.”
“But I don't,” he moves his chair to dodge me while I'm petrified in the place. “Goodbye, Anne.”
“No! I don't accept it," I scream desperately as he goes away. “I'll be back. You know you love me, we’re not over. You're hurt and you don't know what you're saying.”
He doesn't turn around, he doesn't answer, he doesn't look at me, he just leaves me behind with the worst of my nightmares. If he has stopped loving me, then what's the point of mornings?
One More Assault
“You're completely crazy! We'll never get out alive...”
“You coward bastard, stop walking like a caged rat.”
Watchmaker cleans his bloody razor with the largest patient of all while resting on a solid wooden desk. Meanwhile, Marc walks furious from one side to the other.
“Fuck... Fuck! We'll never make it out of this one alive.”
“Stop walking or you'll stain your shoes," says with a malicious smile.
“Shit!”
The body’s blood on the floor spreads out into a huge puddle, which widens more and more as the hands of the clock move slowly.
“Nobody knows we're here. This is a rented office that Misha barely used. Don't be an idiot, you know I had no choice. The asshole wanted revenge for the death of his colleague.”
“You shouldn't have killed them. None of them...”
Marc pulls his hair trying to wake up from a nightmare that refuses to abandon him.
“Now we don't need any damn Russian to achieve our plans. Come on, boy, stop crying like a girl, you know as well as I do that Misha was a pain in the ass. Sooner or later we had to remove it.”
Watchmaker began to collect some scattered photos on the desk and quickly store them in a brown envelope.
“And now what?”
“We'll steal Cleopatra's Jewels and live like kings.”
“What about Blackman?”
“Fuck, boy. Are you afraid of a cripple too? You Don’t have to worry about him, listen to me.”
Watchmaker puts the envelope inside his briefcase with great care while he throws to his companion's face some keys that he catches in the air at the same exact moment they were about to hit him in the middle of his eye.
“Open that closet and erase the recordings.”
Marc lowers his head nodding and avoids looking at the floor not to throw up. Misha's neck was cracked from end to end. The body that fell half way down showed each of the veins open and now completely empty. Watchmaker had slit his throat in cold blood. His enormous complexion or his great musculature didn’t matter, the big man had no chance. The loyal pupil fulfills the orders, hitting and breaking the cameras, and burning the memory card before asking curious questions:
“How will we locate the storage where Cleopatra's Jewels are hidden?”
“Anne Foster, she will open the way for us.”
Marc feels that his heart stops at the very moment he hears her name.
“No! Not her.”
Marc, with a strength he didn't know he had, tries to throw himself on Watchmaker's body, but he quickly dodges it and lets Marc fall on the ground over the large pool of blood while laughing with a scary laugh.
“Don't tell me you're still in love with that stupid insecure woman. That idiot deserved every one of the beatings John gave her. That was a real man, a pity I had to kill him, too.”
“John was a piece of shit...” Marc babbles nervously.
“Ugh, and I thought you were his best friend. You're not very polite if you talk like that about a dead colleague," he says sarcastically.
“It's the only death I don't regret.”
He didn't know, until a long time after John's death, about the mistreatments that son of a bitch had given to his wife. He gets up and tries to wipe his hands on his trousers, which were now stained with blood too.
“I promise you, if I don't have to, I won't touch her. I will get the information without getting violent. Now let's get out of here before they find us.”
Watchmaker opens the door of the office, checks that the road is clear and goes towards the exit. There awaits their car and the path to the greatest of their achievements: Cleopatra's Jewels. Paradise existed and it was waiting for him.
When the jewels were sold, he would step away from the evil and would live a life of pleasure. Beaches with crystalline waters, ladies wishing for his company, and lots of champagne to water a throat that’s dried from enjoying so much. Yes, it was the life that awaited him. For a moment, Watchmaker felt sorry for all the deaths but in every business there were risks and collateral damages that had to be assumed. The worst of all had been John's. He was a faithful companion but the greed blinded him, so he had no choice but to kill him. On the other hand, Marc was very different, he would kill him if he could but for the moment he was worth more alive than dead. He would get rid of him at the first change but, for the moment, he needed him to infiltrate on Falconi's gang.
I Need You
My head splits in two like a ripe melon. I haven't been able to sleep all night. I shake the cushions and open the blinds trying to get the morning sun to help me find some meaning in my life. I'm not able to put my thoughts in order yet. How could this happen? Rage and pain accumulate in me looking for a route of escape, an answer that tells me some hateful why. Is it that nobody is capable of understanding me? I couldn't? I couldn't stay. I know his words aren’t true. I am sorry. He still loves me, I don't know how much, but I know it's like that, so why is he still determined to keep me away? Tears exhaust me and I can't stop thinking: and now what?
I want to be by his side, I need to help him, to feel that he can count on me but how to do it when he accuses me of abandoning him. I only looked for a solution, a route to escape, an alternative to find myself. I needed that time for myself. Is it so hard to understand?! He has to understand, I'll make him understand, he'll forgive me and we'll start all over again.
I walk to the kitchen and look for coffee and aspirin. In all night long, I haven't been able to sleep more than ten minutes in a row. My house is exactly the same as before I left for Italy. The plants are perfect and the furniture without a speck of dust, it is clear that Jane has been present. It smells of her in every detail, fresh flowers in the vase, perfumed sheets on the bed and a cup of coffee next to the coffee pot, yes, Jane was waiting for my return. How much I want to see her again, six months have been many months.
I approach to the window to feel the warmth of the morning sun but I wasn't so lucky because since yesterday it has been raining and the darkness covers the city. Perfect, another grey day for a grey woman.
“Can I come in?” A sweet Jane appears behind the door.
“Of course!”
I run to the door like a little girl and my sister is barely able to hold her balance as I bumped into her.
“I love you too, but you don't have to hang me," she says in a funny tone.
“You don't know how much I missed you.”
“And I miss you, but don't cry. Anne, are you all right?”
“I'm fine, I'm fine. Can I make you some coffee?” I say letting her go to dry my face with the palm of my hand.
“One with milk but first explain to me why you're crying.”
“The roses are beautiful”, I manage to say with tears.
“I know that perfectly well, I bought them myself.”
“I'll get you the coffee.”
“I try to dry my tears with the fist of my pajamas but Jane holds me by the elbow and turns me around, interrogating me with her gaze.
“I thought this trip would be for your good.”
“And it was...”
“So, what happened? Anne, you'd better answer me because I'm starting to get nervous.”
“Reed...” I say in tears while hugging her looking for her warmth.
“Dear God, Anne. Not him again, it's not possible.”
Her arms wrap around me and I let her heat protect me. Jane caresses my hair with her fingers as I accept her comfort like it was a cool oasis for a thirsty man.
There are so many feelings that possess me that not even my poor reason is capable of understanding. I have tried to think, I have kicked the table looking for an explanation but now in my sister's arms I’m only able to cry asking myself again and again: how can I get his forgiveness?
“Anne, you can't let him hurt you again. Six months ago you left shattered looking for a new opportunity and in just two days he has done it again. You're broken and crying for someone who doesn't deserve you. Blackman chose that woman and you didn't...”
“Jane, you don't understand.”
“Don't interrupt me, you know I'm telling the truth," she says with an angry mother's voice. "I don't give a damn whether you want to hear me or not. This time I'm not going to stop. Someone has to open your eyes. That man is not good for you.
“Jane...”
“He doesn't deserve you. He'll have his traumas, I don't deny it, but you can't let him do this to you," she replied, nervously walking around the room.
“Jane!”
“No! I'm your sister and if you're like that for him I swear I'll end up hating him. I wasn't by your side when everything happened with John, and I regret it a thousand time but it won't happen again. Nobody will hurt you without me killing him first. We have no parents and you are the only family I have left, and I will protect you above all else.
“Jane...”
My voice softens as I approach her side looking into her eyes. We both have our eyes clouded by tears but for different reasons.
“Reed can't walk,” my voice is barely audible.
Jane is petrified in the middle of the room while I lie on the wide sofa wrapping my legs in my own arms. It isn’t cold in the house but my body trembles like a leaf beaten by a terrible storm.
“What exactly do you mean? I don't understand. What happened?”
“I don't know much. Suraj reach out for me in Italy and at first I was afraid for you or for Aunt Elsa. We arrived at the hospital and I was only able to run looking for you,” I dry my tears; I don't want to cry anymore. “I was scared, I was very scared.”
Jane sits next to me and caresses my hand offering me strength to continue my story.
“When I was inside the hospital, I hit a huge glass door and that's when I realized it wasn't you. I saw him while an attendant struggled with his inert body to make him hold on to thick metal railings. I could hear his screams of rage behind the glass, he didn't want to get up. Jane, he asked to be allowed to die.
“It can't be...”
“I behaved like a coward... Again...” I say almost without thinking.
“What are you talking about?”
At that moment I felt as if the sky was collapsing on me. The body didn't answer me, I was petrified.
“How did Reed react to seeing you?”
“He didn't see me. He was taken away in a wheelchair while I, like an idiot, was paralyzed behind the door. It seems that when I chicken out my legs don’t respond or run without stopping. Self-esteem looks at her legs and scolds them.
“You can't blame yourself. It was a normal reaction.”
“I couldn't Jane, I swear I couldn't. What was I supposed to tell him? When I regained my courage, I tried to see him but it was useless. Reed has refused to see me, he made my name appear on the blacklist of visitors,” I confess embarrassed.
“I can't believe it.”
“I was desperate, I think it wasn't the best time but what else could I do. I had to do it”
“What are you talking about?”
“Last night I went to the Intensive Care Unit to see him.”
“But didn't you say he was conscious? Has it gotten worse? I don't understand anything,” Jane looks at me perplexed.
“Reed isn't the one in Intensive Care, Olivia is.”
“What are you talking about? The same Olivia he married?”
“They were both in a car accident. Olivia is in a vegetative state. The doctors don't give her much hope.”
“Oh God, I can't believe it,” Jane covers her mouth with her incredulous hand in the face of all the news.
“That's not all,” I hide my gaze behind the cup of coffee to avoid looking into her eyes. For some reason I feel ashamed of myself.
“Is there more?”
“She is pregnant and the baby is in danger.”
“Pregnant? And the father is...? I mean, when you left she didn't...”
“It’s his son,” I affirm.
“Mother of beautiful love, what a movie.”
Jane squeezes her lips with her hand trying to digest so much information and I lay my tired back on the sofa.
“But if she's pregnant it means that this baby is another baby. I mean... I mean...”
“If you're asking if she got pregnant after the wedding, the answer is yes.”
Jane bites her upper lip until she was no longer able to hold on.
“Fucking bastard, didn't you say you wouldn't touch her? I'm sorry I shouldn't...”
My sister is silent, prefers not to make any judgment and I thank her; I have no strength to listen to recriminations other than my own.
“And do you know how it happened?” Jane speaks breaking the long silence between us and I am petrified at her question.
“How happened what? The pregnancy?” I ask astonished.
“No idiot, I mean the accident”
“I don't know much. Suraj only explained generalities about the car.”
“A car accident... Do you know exactly what day it happened?”
“I think last Monday. Why do you ask?”
“A week. Now I understand why he didn't go to the appointment.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
Jane shakes her head as if she were waking from a dream.
“Nothing important. Are you going to the hospital to get information?”
“I already did.”
“And...? Say something for God's sake! I'm about to lose it”.
Jane moves nervously and I don't know what words to explain to her that I was rejected like a dog loaded with fleas.
“He doesn't want to see me again. Simple words for complex feelings.”
“Now what does he blame you for?”
“For leaving him.”
“You have to forget about him! That man is not good for you, he doesn't deserve you. You can't live like this.” Jane is exploding.
“You may be right, but my moment of choice is long past. I love him too much to look for a path without him.”
“You intend to insist...”
“Until the forces accompany me. Time has helped me to understand that I love him more than I ever loved anyone else. I have to try. I cannot give up. He needs me as much as I need him.”
“Then you'll go back to the hospital.”
“Yes, when I went home last night, I called Suraj and he asked me to wait for him for breakfast today. With his entrance pass, I can probably sneak in and see him without his permission.”
“But it's almost 10 o'clock in the morning!”
“Eh?” I look at the clock on the wall while I'm sitting in a doubtful seat. It seems that way.
“He must be coming soon," she says, hurrying to pick up her purse.
“Yes, but you can stay. I have nothing to hide, not even you.”
“Hide, why should I hide anything!”
“I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about me. Jane, are you all right?”
“Oh, yes, of course. I'll go so you can talk quietly. I'll call you later.”
“As you wish.”
“She opens the door in such a hurry that the poor woman fully collides with Suraj's hard torso. He looks at her with the face of few friends.
“I was just leaving.”
“I see that.”
Jane steps away as if he was burning her and speaks frightened:
“I'd better leave you to talk quietly. Anne, I'll call you later.”
“Thank you,” I answer while watching them.
Jane tries to disappear down the corridor when she is stopped by the strong grip of the detective.
“See you later.”
“I don't know if I can”.
“It's not a question. Five o'clock. You are available.”
The elevator doors close and Jane leaves without answering.
“Can I ask what just happened?”
“You can't,” Suraj comes in and shuts the door while looking into the empty elevator shaft.
“A cup of tea, or are you going to spend the whole morning staring at the corridor?”
“Coffee,” he replies annoyed.
“Of course, what a temper. Come in and close the door.
Did all men have gone mad or I'm losing my mind? Self-esteem puts electrodes on her head checking her sanity.
Hidden Truths
“It looks like it’s never going to stop,” Suraj speaks as he sips his steaming coffee and watches the raindrops fall through the window - I hate to see the sky so black first thing in the morning....
“I'm waiting,” my nerves are dominating me. “I need to know something else.”
“If I knew where to start, believe me, I would do it," he says, sitting on the couch, stretching his long legs.
“People say starting from the beginning is usually the best strategy.”
“Funny," he replied with a false smile.
“What happened? Reed is an excellent driver, I don't understand how he could have lost control,” grief covers my words. There are so many questions in my head but I don't have the ability to pronounce them, it's like the brain and tongue weren’t working together.
“We were very close to catching him. We had the references of place and time, everything was prepared. In the afternoon it would be Falconi's ambush.”
“Falconi?”
“Yes, you'll understand when I finish," he says, drinking another sip of coffee and staring at nothing in particular.
I accept the answer while I mentally scold myself for having interrupted him. I must calm down and wait.
“Everything was in order but you know Reed, he wanted to have all the ends tied up. He's been after that guy for too long to leave anything to chance, and he decided to take Olivia out of town so she wouldn't be in danger.”
I clench my fists to the point of hurting myself with my own nails. I know perfectly well that they got married and that she is even waiting for her son but I find it very hard to hear from her best friend's voice how he tried to protect her. Six months without me was enough to behave like a perfect husband, worried about his wife. Jealousy corrodes me like iron acid. I feel arcades just imagining them together.
I am the worst of all women or at least that's how I feel. Olivia is dying and I shouldn't think like that but, yes, I can't stop imagining them together and in love. It's a vision that haunts me and corrodes me inside, killing me with jealousy and envy.
“Anne, it's not what you imagine... Olivia is a good girl, a little bit capricious and kind of crazy but she has nothing to do with her father's shit. She dealt with a lot and Reed couldn't leave her alone to her fate. If Falconi's people discovered us, Olivia would be hidden enough not to carry unpleasant consequences,” he answers a little annoyed while he rests the coffee cup on the bedside table. “Reed would take her out of town that very morning, everything was scheduled, no one else besides me knew about it, there was no danger. Nothing could go wrong,” he tells me scratching his frown that’s more and more furrowed.
“But it wasn't like that.”
“No, Falconi's people somehow managed to discover them. They followed them until they were cornered on the A 907. Reed did everything he could but he lost control and they fell off the cliff.”
“Both of them...”
“Yes, Olivia was by his side.”
“God, God...”
I squeeze my temple so it doesn't explode. Can anyone be so cruel not to care about a human life?
“Is Falconi behind bars?”
“No, lack of proof, you know...”
“Lack of proof! But he almost killed them.”
“Olivia is practically death, she stays alive thanks to the respirator. The doctors say that she is brain dead but her vital signs are still working thanks to the machine.”
I cover my mouth with my hand retaining my own arcades. I used to hate her with all my strength but today grief and remorse gnaw me inside. Hate, jealousy, sorrow, confusion, everything hit me in my overwhelmed heart. What I should and shouldn't feel mixes and stabs, fighting inside me.
“The doctors will try to get the respirator to keep her alive for at least two more months so they can do a cesarean.”
“Then he is five months old. They expect me to turn seven so I have a better chance of survival," I quickly deduce. I've been doing the math every night.
Tears try to appear but I dry them at the very moment they arise from my eyes. I'm not going to cry anymore and specially not in front of his friend. He said he loved me but got Olivia pregnant as soon as I left. I hate him and I love him with the same intensity that only a woman is able to feel.
“Anne, you can't go crazy about the baby, I need your help, that's why I went to look for you in Italy.”
I shake my head without the ability to answer with words. I feel a stab in the chest but I will keep listening without collapsing. I've been looking for answers and here they are, no matter how much they hurt.
“Reed is alive and Falconi will not give up until he is dead, specially now that he blames him for his daughter's death.”
“Why don't they just arrest him? You will find some proof...” I say without strength.
“I have no proof of anything. I must discover a new meeting place and wait for him to come.”
“Then leave him alone and let him rot in his own shit!”
I get up from the sofa and walk towards the terrace window trying to recover the air that barely reaches my lungs. Events overwhelm me. The world that I thought was waiting for me on my return has disappeared and I don't know where to begin. I am surrounded by a sea of lies in which I take part in and I am not able to flee.
I would like to forget about murderers, accidents, mafias and babies. I am exhausted from hearing stories of superheroes and criminal villains. I just want someone to hug me in the evenings and smile at me in the mornings. It so hard to unite heart and reality!
“I'm not going to let them kill him, and I know you won't either, not after what he's done for you.”
“For me? For me! But what are you talking about? He married that woman although he could refuse, I begged him to forget everything and escape with me but he refused. He's planning revenge, but I don't know against whom or why. And you tell me that he did it for me?” I grumble almost screaming as I cling tightly to the library in the living room to calm myself and not throw the Encyclopedia of Hispanic Art at his head, volume one and two together.
“I gave everything for him... I asked him not to be afraid, that together we could face anything but he didn't want to. He accuses me of abandoning him but as soon as I left he left her pregnant, the sheets had my smell but he slept with her. Are you asking me to help you? Why Suraj! Why? Reed refuses to see me, I know I love him and that even if anger dominates me, tomorrow I'll run to his arms because I'm such an idiot, but you, why are you asking for my help?”
“Anne, you're wrong, Reed has a chance to regain his mobility but to accomplish that he needs to want to do it. Since you left he lost the will for everything. He refuses the treatment. If he doesn't fight to recover, Falconi could take advantage of his weakness and cut his throat at any time. Anne, you have to help me.”
I sigh exhausted but as always when it comes to Reed Blackman, I give in. That is my destiny.
“What do you want me to do?”
“You're the only one who can make him wake up from his self-pity and force him to start therapy”.
“It won't work, he hates me, he's asked me to leave and never come back,” my voice reflects my physical and mental fatigue.
“He's hurt.”
“What about me? He's expecting a baby from another women, how am I supposed to have the heart?”
Suraj comes up to me and hugs me tightly. I hate to accept his comfort, after all, he is his best friend but I am not able to deny his gesture.
“You will make him wake up.”
“You are too confident.”
“I know him well.”
Suraj kisses my head and separates with tenderness to go towards the door.
“I'll pick you up tomorrow at five o'clock in the afternoon. We'll go during the visiting hours, you'll sneak in with a card I managed to steal for you.”
“I thought the cops didn't do those things.”
“To desperate situations...”
“Desperate solutions.”
“Exactly. Don't be late because I don't want to upset Raymond,” I look at him curiously while he answers me with a smile. “His therapist. A guy with quite particular techniques.”
“Suraj, I don't want you to come with me. This is something I have to do alone.”
“Are you sure? Lately my friend is not a man who can be considered too kind.”
“Reed and I have a lot to clarify. If we want this to work, let me try it my way.”
He nods softly and turns to leave when I ask him from the portal.
“All this hate from Reed is because Falconi was the sexual master of his mother?”
“Partially.”
“And the ambush, what was that about? What were you looking for?”
I look at him waiting for an answer, but Suraj doesn't answer. He stops in front of the stairs without saying a word. We both remain static. In my door I wait for an answer and he, in front of the corridor, analyzes the worn paint on the wall.
“If it wasn’t for his mother, then why? Suraj, who else has Falconi hurt?”
“A child," he spat with hate before rushing down the stairs.
A child? Who is he talking about? I don't understand anything.
I close the door and lean on it with a cold that runs through my body. I have a mission and although I am dying to execute it, I have no idea how. Suraj asked me if I wanted to help him. Of course I do! I want that and hundreds of other things but the question is if I'll be able to assume a past as dark as its owner.
I'm supposed to stand in front of him and be the strong one, but what's the attitude I'm supposed to take? Friends? Ex-lovers? And how am I supposed to convince him to start his therapy when he won't even see me? God, I'm in a mess that will lead me straight to madness.
Self-esteem searches on Google for straitjackets while I pray I'm not making the worst of my mistakes.
See You Again
I go into the rehab room so immerse in my thoughts that I almost fall on one of the exercise ladders. The room is huge. The white of the walls shine with the intense light that enters through the wide windows. Through the window you can see a green and quiet meadow that inspires feelings of hope. The most expensive and modern machines are spread throughout the large room, it is clear that the hospital is not one of the cheapest in the city. Definitely very Reed Blackman.
I look back and forth both nervous and quite hopeful, but what if he throws me out again, how am I supposed to react? Clearly, with all the stubbornness I am capable of. After days of crying, unanswered questions and many curses out loud, I have accepted resignedly that I am stupidly in love. They say that opportunities are like trains that only pass once and I am too in love to let him go. If I have to jump on the tracks, so be it. Self-esteem ducks to adjust the Nike Air.
My eyesight locates him. I walk slowly as I repeat mantras of self-improvement. It's not that I believe much in those things, but at times like this any help is too little.
You can, I am, don't give up... the change is in you, you can, the change is in you, the power is in you.... I repeat as I walk decided, smiling and brave, the change is in you, the power is in you...
“Fucking torturer, forget about me!”
Oh Lord, the power is not in me! We’re getting out of here, that's what my legs thought, trying to escape while they could.
Not Anne! You're not a coward, well maybe a little but we're here to recover the love of your life and you're not going to run away. I nod answering myself as I was mentally disturbed while Self-esteem rushes to Google "symptoms of a crazy woman".
“You fucking nigger! Get away from my sigh,” Reed roars with all his strength.
“So you're racist too.”
The huge Afro-American man smiles, leaving his white teeth in sight while holding Reed’s almost inert but very badly spoken body under his armpits. And I thought I could...
“Fucking asshole! Put me back in my chair.”
“It's going to be no. Try to hold on to the bars.”
“You know I won't do it.”
“And you know I'll insist. Why don't you try it and we'll save our little speech?”
“You ignorant nigger, don't you see I can't!?”
“If you try to annoy me, I warn you that I have received worse insults. I've been called "black horse dung," "asshole," "I shit on your mother's memory," he says while scratching his chin. "Or was it my father's memory? Well now I don't remember exactly but I'm sure they shit on a relative.
“Crazy bastard...”
“Look at that, I’ve been called like that before but separately. Blackman, a point for you! Now, enough of this bullshit. Hold on to the bar because I'm not going to say it again.
“Would you let me fall? I'm a poor cripple, you wouldn't dare...” Reed's bad mood resounds loudly all over the gym.
My eyes open in fright when the big guy without any remorse releases the body of "the poor cripple" into the void. It falls badly on the floor and although it was padded I am sure that the bump has not been anything soft.
“You fucking son of a bitch!”
Reed screams from the floor while the attendant laughs out loud and I run desperately to help him. I don't think, I don't think clearly, I just act. I walk the few meters that separate us and I kneel on the floor offering him my arms to support him. My heart beats widly and I am barely able to control my agitated breathing. Don't reject me, I whisper to myself... don't reject me...
My hands hold him tightly begging not to lose him. The warmth of his body under my fingers reminds me of those caresses that I thought were forgotten and that I die to feel again. I don't know how long we've spent just looking at each other. Neither of us is capable of speaking. Our bodies speak for themselves. Lose you? Live without you? How could that be possible if with the simple aroma of your perfume I forget that the world exists. Lies, fears, confusions, jealousy, whatever, all of them are destroyed with your simple contact.
“What are you doing here..?” He babbles between his teeth.
“I wanted to see you.”
“You've seen me already, now go away and don't come back.”
He lowers his gaze while the coldness of his words makes me fall backwards disoriented. What's going on? My skin is bristly like yours just by looking at each other eyes. That electricity always existed between us. Don't you feel it anymore? I try to recover the courage but it must be hidden behind one of the chairs because I am not able to find it.
“I need to know how you are, how you feel, I...”
“Ah, is that it? Well, I'll answer you, you'll see, I'm phenomenal. Some invalid legs, enjoying the hard floor because of the bloody bastard of my physiotherapist but on top of that, I'm fucking great. Now that you have all the information you were looking for, you can leave.”
I wanted to answer, to explain myself, but the nurse's huge brown hand lifted me off the floor.
“I'm Raymond, a pleasure.”
“Oh yes, thank you, it's Anne, Anne Foster,” I answer while I put my clothes on. “Aren't you going to help him?”
“The assistant smiled with enormous mischief.”
“Not until he begs me. The rest of us are not to blame for his misfortunes.”
“You fucking son of a bitch, will you do me a favor and help me?” Reed asks angrily while his arms are tense from the situation. His hand removes his black hair insistently as always when he is nervous. It's a gesture that I discovered some time ago that he can't control and that tells me that I'm not as indifferent to him as he wants me to believe.
“And that's how with good manners you get everything.”
I remain undaunted by the answer. Good manners? But he just called him son of a bitch. God, these two are made for each other.
The Afro-American giant held him tightly by his waist and put him in the wheelchair. Reed is no small man, but the attendant lifted him up like a simple breastfeeding baby.
“Well, I think that the young lady would like to spend a few minutes with this curmudgeon alone.”
“The lady is leaving now.”
“Blackman! To be the only person who cares about you, I think you should be nicer to her.”
“That she cares for me? Miss Foster doesn't care about me at all," he replied without looking at me. “She's leaving, that's what she always does, isn't it, Anne?”
“You don't have to talk to me like that...”
The pain is noticeable in my words. His condition hurts me, his indifference hurts me and his irony hurts me.
“I leave you two alone,” the attendant tries to leave but Reed's roar leaves him speechless.
“I'll do the exercises, I'll accept your hateful presence without complaining, but I want you to take her with you.”
“Reed," I whisper with sorrow. “Don't do this...”
“Blackman!” Raymond screams furiously.
“Do you accept or you don't, you fucking bastard? It's the best deal I'll ever offer you.”
“I'm not going to leave. We have to talk, I want to...”
“You want? You want! I don't give a damn about what you want. Look at me Anne, I'm tied to a chair that I'll never be able to leave, what are you supposed to want? Have you come out of pity? Do you want to offer me your politely consolation, do you feel sorry for me? I save you the effort. Go away and forget that we once knew each other, disappear as you always do. It's something you're very good at.”
“No, you're not aware of what you're saying...” I reproach him with annoyance while I shake my head.
“You bastard nigger! Either you take her out or I won't keep my promise. You decide.”
“Miss, I think I should accompany you to the door.”
“No! Just a minute," I beg Raymond. “I didn't escape. Listen to me, you have to listen to me.” I try to hold his face so that he looks at me, but he shakes free from my grip.
“Miss, please. You'd better get out.”
Reed turns the chair not to look at me while the huge attendant gently squeezes my shoulder.
“Come with me to the door.”
“No! He can't do it. I know him, he's just trying to hurt himself. I can't allow it...”
I speak non-stop but the attendant doesn’t listen to me, he simply guides me with determination towards the door. As I leave, I hold on to the wall, dizzy from my thoughts. I feel guilty, does he really thinks I left him to his fate? That's not true! It isn't! Did I leave him to his fate? No! It's not like that, they're just cheap excuses. Compassion? No, damn it, no! I'm not here out of pity. Self-esteem hits the wall with a kick.
“Anne... May I call you Anne?”
“Yes.”
“You don't have to pay much attention to him. He's not aware of what he's saying.”
“Yes, he is. He thinks I abandoned him, but it's not true. It was he who decided for both of us. I had no choice but to leave. How could I bear to see him with another woman? No! This time he won't decide for me. I will be by his side whether he likes it or not.” I turn decided but Raymond doesn't move.
“Anne, I don't think I can let you back in.”
The two-body wide attendant stands in front of the door as he crosses his arms to show me his determination.
“Raymond, wasn't it Raymond?”
“Yes.”
“You see, you have to let me pass, the situation was too much, the impact of seeing him so weak and angry made me confused for a few seconds but now I'm fine and I'm able to face that stubborn man.”
“And I don't deny it,” he answers me with a wide smile.
“Well, then let me enter.”
“I won't do it.”
“Raymond, you don't understand, Reed seems like a bad-tempered man, grumpy and even indifferent cold but he's not.
“No?” He arches a curious eyebrow.
“No, he’s just protecting himself. When you've had a hard time you get used to being your only refuge and your only safeguard, and Reed has only lived through sorrows but when you get to know him you realize that he's a kind, protective and very lovely man.”
“Lovely?”
“Let me pass, he needs me," I say nervously when I feel misunderstood. “Raymond, I can help him...”
“And I don't deny it, the more I hear you speak, the more I convince myself that you are the right person.”
“Will you let me try again? Please Raymond, I swear I'm the one he needs. That stubborn man will start therapy. Between the two of us, we will make him walk again. I'm not willing to give up. I'll be his worst nightmare.”
“I believe you, his wounds are treatable, and although it won't be a road of roses, he must try”.
“Well, let me enter!”
I scream in despair as I watch through the glass how a chubby nurse pulls the wheelchair to take Reed through the opposite door.
“Today is not the moment. Blackman refuses any kind of treatment and I'm afraid your presence has shocked him much more than he wants to acknowledge. His head is currently in the same state as his body. His mind sometimes reacts lethargic and confused, but in others he reacts aggressively and hopelessly," he says as he stares at me with his bright black eyes. “I can tell that you love him and from his reaction it is clear that you are not indifferent to him but you must give him time. His life has become a big puzzle of pieces that don't fit together. Go home, calm down, reconsider what you have seen and if you want to return tomorrow I will be by your side.”
“I'm not going to abandon him.”
“You are the only one who knows that," he says seriously. “I've seen a lot of couples collapse in situations like this. Don't be hasty; think if you're willing to do the sacrifice. Rehabilitation is exhausting, maybe we won't even get anything.”
I open my eyes frightened by that answer, it's not what I expected to hear.
“Blackman has a long way to go, if you're ready come back tomorrow, but if you don't think you're capable of doing it, it's better that you leave and don't come back," he says and goes down the long hospital corridor leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I sigh tired and frustrated. "He may never walk again... be prepared...". Am I? Of course I am! My feelings for Reed are no spring flower. I don't need anything to think about, I'll be here tomorrow, just like the next day, and the next, and the next, until he regains his trust and his love for me. I'll make him remember what's ours even if I have to open his head like a ripe watermelon for it.
My phone vibrates inside my bag and I take it out without wanting to. Ah, it's a message, thank goodness I'm not in the mood for social conversations.
––––––––
Maurizio
Hello beautiful. You don't know how much I miss you.
17:38
––––––––
I put my mobile back in the bag without answering as I walk to the door. Tomorrow will be another day and I am ready to return. I'll come back again and again and again until that stubborn man understands that I'm not quitting. Another notification from WhatsApp, probably Maurizio, I will answer him tomorrow.