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“I know and I'm sorry...” I look at the phone annoyed, I'm glad it's not a videoconference, otherwise I'd have to apologize for another gesture.
“But you must try to understand my position. Brenda, you're my psychologist, but that doesn't mean you're always going to be right. You see, if you give me a moment, I'll explain it again, he's hurt and that's why he treats me like that. Abuse is something else. I understand because I'm partly to blame...
“No, no... wait... Yes, yes, you're right, I needed that time but we both have to admit that I left without looking back.”
I try to breathe and get strength but it's impossible, Dr. Klein has her tongue untied.
“Brenda please... I don't like this part of the therapy...” I move the mobile away from my ear before it leaves me deaf.
“Yes, I do. All right, I'll answer you.”
“Yes, he was going to marry someone else.”
“Yes, he hid it, but in his favor I have to...” I clench my left fist not to curse out loud... “Yes! I know the rules, I can answer them without a doubt...”
“Yes, I asked him, but...” I bite my tongue accepting the rules of the damn therapy.
“Yes, you know, I don't see why you have to repeat it, I'm not stupid but it's not comparable,” the cry of my name echoed from my mobile to the whole living room of my house.
“All right... the mistreatment doesn't just extend to the blows, are you happy?”
“Brenda, he's having a hard time and his reaction is logical. I will put up with everything I have to put up with if it brings him back.” I say in a firm voice as I listen to the doorbell and come closer to open the door.
“Come in,” I whisper to Jane while I cover the mike so Brenda won't listen.
“If you're busy, I'll come another time.”
“Don't even think about it,” I whisper with almost no sound.
My eyes must have been most eloquent because Jane came in and closed the door without complaining.
“No Brenda, I'm not trying to defy anyone but you must understand me. Yes, I promise to think about it. Now I have to cut, but I promise to take care of myself. Thank you very much.”
“Uff,” I puff high while I throw the iPhone on the sofa.
“I'm exhausted. Brenda has given me one of those Oscar-worthy sermons. I know perfectly well that she cares about me and that many of the reasons she gives me are more than logical but she doesn't know him as well as I do and doesn't know from all that Reed has had to go through. I know perfectly well that the treatments he gives me are not the best, but can I be sure that I would act differently? No sir, this is not a question of mistreatment like John's, this is pain and sorrow badly carried, who more than me to understand it ... Self-esteem questions my reasoning but I refuse to argue with her as well.
“Really, don't worry about me, we can meet some another time.” Jane clings to her purse as she tries to escape through the door.
“Don't even think about it... You and I have a pending conversation.”
Jane drops herself defeated on the sofa. She knows perfectly well that she can't get out of it. Of the two, one is more stubborn than the other, and there's no need to clarify it.
“What do you want to know?”
My sister is so shy and embarrassed that I feel like hugging her and crying with her. Wait a minute, cry? Why is she crying?
“Jane, you don't have to get like that. You are neither the first nor the last married woman to... I'd rather keep quiet.”
“To cheat on? You can say it, after all it's clear as the water.”
“That's not what I was going to say,” I feel mean but the situation requires it.
Jane looks at me attentively without believing my words but she is too upset to argue. I sit beside her and place my hand on hers as a sign of support. She smiles at me and heads down she speaks in a choppy voice.
“Always together?”
“You remember it.”
“Mom always said it, no matter how little good or how much bad, together until the end...”
“Exactly. Now tell me his name, although I think I know it.”
“I'm dying of shame.”
“Jane,” I extend the last vowel as a sign of confidence.
“Suraj. It's Suraj...”
“How was it?”
Jane looks up while I reply naughty.
“Well I don't want all the details... for now.”
We both had fun with the icebreaker joke and I take my opportunity to try to cheer her up. I thought she was uncomfortable and couldn't tell anything, but it turned out to be the opposite. Unexpectedly she starts to let it all go. No advertising breaks or pauses.
“It was one of those days when I accompanied you to the Temple of the Passions. The one I lost myself in. Do you remember it?”
“But that was months ago! I'm surprised," I said. “Sorry, sorry... I didn't mean to interrupt.”
“You introduced us at another time, and I thought he was interesting, but I didn't want to dig much further into my feelings. A handsome man like any other, or at least that's what I wanted to believe, and that's how it should have been, but I couldn't... I remember that when I saw him enter to the Temple, he intrigued me very much. I don't know why, but I wanted to know where he was going. I followed him discretely and...
“You followed him! You? You? Sorry, sorry, I'm not interrupting you anymore.”
“Yes, I, the most shy of the shy, the most cowardly of the cowards”.
“You're not a coward.” But I have a big mouth, I thought angrily.
“I followed him to the blissful Cinnamon Hall.”
“The Cinnamon Room?”
“Anne, I don't know how it happened, but I just let myself go. The atmosphere was so sensual, so carnal, so passionate and I have lived so little of all that, I thought ‘and why not?’ Please don't judge me, I don't think I can stand to see the judges of the Holy Inquisition in your eyes.” The woman begins to sob as she covers her face in shame.
“The Cinnamon Room? The Cinnamon Room! For God's sake, you won’t leave without telling me everything.”
“Don't you think that's not what's important?” Jane smiles for the first time when she notices my desperate interest.
“Come on, don't! I'm interested in everything, come on, don't leave details in the inkwell, in cases like these, details are the essence of gossip.”
“You make me laugh even if I don't want to.”
“Because it's not necessary to cry, what's done is done.”
“Anne, how could I get myself into this?”
I could tell you thousands of clichés about finished marriages, but you already have that answer.
She looks at me but doesn't answer me. I imagine it's not easy to recognize aloud what your heart has been screaming for years.
“And what does he think?”
“Not for God's sake, Oscar doesn't know.”
“No woman, I mean Suraj, I mean, is this something that happened once and never again?” She keeps her head down and I don't need an answer. “Jane, how many times?”
I leave the question in the air when I see Jane's bewildered face as she covers herself with shame.
“You have a relationship with Suraj!”
“I don't know, I don't know what we have, I just know that when we see each other my determination collapses and... my clothes fall off.”
Jane's sincerity makes me want to laugh out loud but I try to keep my composure. I try, one, two, three and that's it, composure to the devil. My laughter resounds all over the room.
“Don't laugh, I'm not for jokes.”
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But to see you seriously saying ‘no’ while you're putting your panties down is an amusing picture. Jane can't contain herself and has to smile in spite of herself.
“What are you going to do? I mean, are you going to keep seeing him?”
“I'm not sure. Although it doesn't seem like it, he has too many points in common with his friend and I'm not sure if I want more complications than I've always had. I don't want to end up feeling shit like you... Ugh, I'm sorry.”
“And don't you think it's a little late for that?” I answer in a bad mood.
The poor woman bows her head, overwhelmed by the situation, and I soften my words. Without wanting to, I am becoming Dr. Klein. Is it true that when you are out of the problem you can see situations so clearly?
“Jane, I'm not trying to judge you, you know I'm the least indicated, but what I mean is that it's clear that you have feelings for him, so why not give him a chance? What does he think?”
“He wants more. Anne this is so confusing,” she squeezes her hands tightly. “I would only do it once, I wanted to try and feel like a more attractive, more desirable woman. I thought he was so handsome that I couldn't resist him, I wanted to touch him and feel him once, it would only be once...”
“What you feel is totally normal.”
“But I throw away so many years due a whim,” she sobs irritated. “I should have stayed away, I should have thought better.”
“Jane, what do you feel?”
“What do you mean? Oscar has been my partner for so many years that I think I've always wanted him.”
“I mean Suraj. How do you feel about Suraj? What happens to you when you see him, when you touch him?”
My sister's face lights up just by remembering him.
“With him I feel myself. There are no rules or obligations, there is only us. His voice caresses me when he speaks to me and his touch makes me feel precious, unique. When we are together I fear that time will pass and the fear of never seeing him again torments me. Not knowing where he is or with whom, is a delicate dagger that nails me deep and deep inside. The fear of losing him is an agony with which you wake up and sleep every day. When I'm not by his side I lose my way, I don't even recognize my name. I can only count the minutes to see him again.”
“You are in love.”
“But it can't be, I'm married.”
“Those details don't matter to the heart.”
“I'm afraid.”
“We'd all have it and you're not the exception. Think about it, are you sure that if you let him go you can live with the pain of having lost him? Are you ready to wake up every morning feeling that he is no longer part of you? I think it's better to have felt it and lost it than to have never felt it.”
“You say it very surely.”
“It's because I am. Jane, now I'm sure I was wrong, that when I thought I was looking for myself, I was actually running away from a future about to be wrote. Now I know, and I don't want to be wrong again, and I don't want you to be wrong either. I don't want fear to decide for you as it did before for me. If I am as I am, it is because I was afraid to love and not be loved and believe me, I curse myself more than once for my mistake.”
“But my marriage... everything will remain in nothingness.”
No, it's not like that, it'll just be part of your past. Jane, if you want it, fight for it. Write your future next to him.”
“Suraj is a complicated man. I told you he was in the Temple of the Passions in the cinnamon room, do you know what that means?”
“Yes, and the problem is?”
“God Anne, what if tomorrow he gets bored of me? If I'm not what he expects or I'm not able to give him what he needs? Where will I cry my sorrows?
“In my house and in my arms.”
“Anne...” I caress her hair with the same tenderness as when we were children.
“Darling, you are the owner of your feelings, fight for them. In the past we were very lonely and didn't know how to make good decisions, why not do it now?”
Jane holds herself in my arms as I caress her thoughtful back. Passion can be hidden, denied, and even buried, but it will always resurface in the person you least desire.
Love or passion are not feelings that can be hidden in a drawer because sooner or later they’ll make their appearance without asking permission.
We believed ourselves to be satisfied and content with life, but only one of their glances made us wake up from our lethargy.
True love arrives one day and makes its way into your agenda, even if you have it completely occupied.