After the emotionally draining stick or ditch session, Molly made a beeline for the pool, which was where Maya caught up with her.
‘Thought you might have escaped to your room,’ the other woman remarked as she slipped elegantly onto the lounger next to her. What Molly wouldn’t give to have a fraction of Maya’s poise.
‘I didn’t want to give Chloe the satisfaction.’
Maya smiled. ‘You know it was only jealousy talking. She was hoping to get a chance with Ben.’
‘Some of that’s true, I’m sure.’ Molly sighed and picked at the frayed hem of her shorts. ‘But some of what she said is true, too. In sticking with Ben, it does feel like I’ve put my pride on a dinghy and pushed it out to sea.’ At least he’d kept his word and not left her totally humiliated by asking to switch.
‘Well, clearly Ben wants to keep seeing you, too. Maybe things will be different for you guys this time.’ She gave Molly a nudge. ‘You must be able to imagine marrying him if you’re willing to give him another try?’
Molly let out a long breath. ‘I hate to admit this, but it was once all I fantasised about.’
‘And Duncan? Did you imagine marrying him when you dated?’
‘Yep.’ Heated scalded her face. ‘God, I sound like I’m just desperate to get married.’ How mortifying to think she might have hurtled from one man to another because she was too afraid to be alone. ‘Did you come on the show to marry?’
Maya pulled a face. ‘Not exactly. I came on the show because I was fed up with bad dating choices and I figured why not let computers and experts take some of the risk out of it?’
‘And you really think they might have got things right? I mean for you?’ Molly added quickly.
A grin spread across Maya’s face. ‘What you’re really asking is do I believe you and Ben are a better match than you and Duncan, and my honest answer is I don’t know, but there’s no denying the chemistry between you and Ben.’
It was back to that word again, yet chemistry hadn’t been enough three years ago. ‘What about the chemistry between you and Marcus.’ Molly waggled her eyebrows. ‘Seems things have – how shall I put it delicately – moved on?’
Maya giggled. ‘In the end I figured I’ve only got two more weeks to decide whether to marry him or not, so I needed to get on and either ditch him, or fuck him.’
Molly stared at her open mouthed. ‘And we all thought you were the quiet one.’
Maya laughed. ‘You think anyone who goes on this show is quiet? We’re all happy to run our mouths off now and again, or we wouldn’t have chosen to be here.’
All except for Ben, who’d done it as a favour to his sister. A wave of sympathy washed through her and she vowed to be more understanding when they were interviewed this afternoon.
As if just thinking about him made him appear, she turned to see Ben step out onto the patio. He looked broodingly handsome, his expression thoughtful … no wait, it was troubled.
She waved over to him, and Maya immediately stood up. ‘I’m going to find Marcus. Congratulate him on his excellent choice of partner for the next two weeks.’ She winked. ‘Think on what I said. Now you’ve chosen not to ditch Ben, doesn’t it make sense that you should—’
‘I’ll think about it,’ Molly interrupted quickly as she glanced over Maya’s shoulder and saw the approaching Ben raise his eyebrows.
‘You should … what?’ He asked as Maya retreated back into the house.
Oh no. There was already enough sexual tension bouncing between them after last night. If she lobbed Maya’s theory into the mix, she was going to spontaneously combust. Yet under Ben’s scrutiny, she felt her cheeks burn.
‘Ah.’ The corner of his mouth turned up but he didn’t say anything. Just eased onto the lounger Maya had vacated, looking all amused and sexy. God, he was sexy.
‘What’s so funny?’
His mouth twitched. ‘Nothing.’
‘Then why are you smiling?’
‘It’s not a smile.’ His hazel gaze met hers. ‘It’s the look of a man happy that you’re at least thinking about doing what I haven’t been able to stop imagining.’
A few pulsing beats passed and she didn’t know how to respond, too embarrassed, too confused by her jumbled feelings.
Slowly his expression turned serious. ‘Thank you.’
‘For?’
‘Choosing to stick with me. I know that can’t have been an easy decision.’
‘It wasn’t.’ It was pathetically easy, but she wasn’t going to tell him that. See, Chloe, I have some dignity left. ‘Don’t make me live to regret it.’
An awkward silence followed her words, but Molly was too churned up to break it. The control she’d felt a few days ago felt like it had been handed back. She’d opted to stay with him. If that didn’t send him a huge I’m still hopelessly into you signal, she didn’t know what would.
‘I’m sure it was easier when you found out Duncan was sticking with Jasmine,’ Ben remarked finally, his voice strangely flat.
She twisted round to look at him. ‘How did you … no, don’t worry. Duncan told you that.’
Ben smiled grimly. ‘He took great delight in telling me you knew he wasn’t, and I’m quoting here, “up for grabs”.’
‘He put a note under my door last night. Reminded me to be careful about trusting you.’
His expression tightened. ‘He seems very bothered by the idea of you and me together.’
‘Of course he is, because he saw how bad I was after you broke up with me. He doesn’t want me to go through that again.’
Ben looked pained. ‘I hate that I hurt you. I hate that I could hurt you again. I wish I could sit here and promise that I won’t, but I refuse to lie to you.’ His hazel gaze pressed hers. ‘What I feel for you is real, Molly. You can trust that.’
‘Thank you.’ Her heart felt a little lighter. ‘I was supposed to see Duncan before I made my choice, but I forgot.’
‘Ah.’ A small smile hovered across his lips.
Silence stretched between them for a few seconds, along with that sparky awareness that made her ultra conscious of the fresh scent of his cologne, of the strong, capable-looking hands clasped loosely in his lap. Of the quiet way he sat. No fidgeting, like Duncan. Ben was reassuringly still, like he was content to just be there with her.
‘So, potentially two more weeks together.’ His eyes held a promise that sent her insides into free fall.
‘Yes.’ Then we have to decide whether to get married. Her heart thudded and she pushed the thought away, unwilling to ruin the moment. ‘Wonder how many arguments we’ll have.’
He smiled. ‘Too many to count.’ Heat replaced the amusement in his eyes, causing an answering arousal to coil in her belly. ‘But maybe we’ll find other ways to occupy our time, too.’
As the butterflies flapped excitedly in her belly, the next two weeks suddenly felt full of promise.
* * *
He would not miss this, Ben thought later that day as he followed Molly into the heart-to … bollocks, he was not going to call the room that. Not even in his head.
Rachel was stood behind the cameras, and when his eyes met hers, she gave him a sympathetic smile, as if she’d been able to read his mind.
‘Well, if it isn’t the former exes.’ Natalie greeted them with the trademark beaming smile that seemed permanently fixed on her face. ‘I’m not sure I’d have put money on you both choosing to stay together after that first meeting.’
‘Ah, you mean champagnegate.’ Molly turned and gave him an evil-looking grin.
‘We’ve moved on from there. I hope,’ he tagged on because he was well aware he was on probation. He needed to earn her trust, which he understood because he didn’t trust himself, either. Not to be who she needed him to be.
The thought made him very uncomfortable as he took the seat next to her on the sofa. He’d come on this pressure cooker of a TV show because his sister had pleaded with him, not because he wanted to find love. Yet here he was, reunited with the woman he’d spent many hours thinking about during the last three years. He was enjoying the hell out of getting to know her again, spending time with her, but lurking in the distance was this artificial crux point. A day when he could be forced to make an impossible choice. Either marry her, something he absolutely couldn’t do, or publicly humiliate her by turning her down. Something he absolutely couldn’t do.
Fuck.
Hurting her once was careless. Hurting her a second time was unforgivable.
‘Ben?’
Natalie’s voice cut through his wayward thoughts and he blinked. ‘Sorry?’
‘It looks like your mind is somewhere else,’ she replied dryly. ‘Where is it?’
‘None of your business.’ He took in a deep breath, told himself to calm the hell down. Anything could happen in the next two weeks. Molly could get fed up with him and ask to swop, he could get voted off to give her someone new. His gut twisted, neither thought helping his peace of mind. All he could do was take it one day at a time.
Beside him, Molly sighed. ‘Err, I hate to remind you, but you’re on a reality TV show, Ben. What you’re thinking is their business. And this,’ she flapped her hands at him, ‘This, Natalie, is what I’m up against. It’s annoying for you guys, and for the viewers at home that he won’t tell us what’s going on in his head, but it’s also really annoying for the woman he’s dating. We’re left in limbo land, wondering where we stand, which leads us to try and use his actions as clues.’ She paused, turned to look at him. ‘Which can result in making the wrong assumptions.’
Her eyes held a mix of emotions, and none of them helped to ease his discomfort. There was hurt still about what had happened, but also fear, presumably that they were heading that way again.
‘It sounds like you might be regretting your decision to stick with Ben, Molly?’
A cold shiver ran down his spine, and the time between the question being asked and Molly opening her mouth to reply felt like two lifetimes. ‘No,’ she answered finally. ‘There’s nobody else in the house I’d rather be with.’
‘Not even Duncan?’
Fuck, this was not helpful.
‘I guess I still have unresolved feelings for Ben.’
As her quiet words settled over him, his chest tightened to the point of pain.
‘And you, Ben.’ Natalie’s gaze swung back to him. ‘I’ll go back to the question I originally asked, which you clearly didn’t hear. Was deciding to stay with Molly an easy decision to make?’
‘Yes.’ Not enough. He could feel his sister’s eyes burning into him, willing him to get out of his comfort zone. To be as brave as Molly had been.
‘Molly was the one who had the difficult decision.’ His palms were sweating, his pulse hammering, but he forced himself to keep talking. ‘When I first met her, I wasn’t in the right head space for a relationship, but I started one anyway because I was selfish. And because she’s gorgeous, funny and smart and I couldn’t resist her. I ended up letting her down though. Hurting her.’ Should he be saying this? Was he making things worse by reminding everyone what had happened? ‘It takes a special kind of person to push past that and give a guy another chance.’ He risked a quick glance at her and took encouragement from the softening of her expression, the warmth in her eyes. ‘I heard someone say that Molly should have more pride than to stick with me, but that’s bollocks. This isn’t about pride; it’s about heart, and Molly’s heart is warm and generous. Maybe too generous, but I’m not going to argue. Not when it’s given me another two weeks with her.’
When he’d finished his monologue, the room fell silent, punctuated only by a rustle of material as Molly crossed her legs. A cough from the woman behind the camera. Panicked, his gaze jumped to Rachel, who gave him a small smile.
‘Well, thank you, Ben. That was quite a speech.’ Natalie placed a hand over her heart. ‘I’ve got to be honest, it choked me up a bit.’
‘You and me both,’ Molly said softly.
Her eyes shimmered and his heart flipped in response, as if it wanted to reach out to her. It was a dangerous sort of flip, because it told him he was sinking further into a relationship he wasn’t sure he should even be starting. ‘Can I go now?’
‘And he’s back,’ Molly said, laughing. ‘For a while there I thought there was an imposter inside Ben’s body.’
‘Of course you can go.’ Natalie waved towards the door. ‘Enjoy the next few weeks. We look forward to watching your progress.’
‘What does she think we are, some sort of experiment?’ he muttered as they started to walk back along the corridor.
‘I guess we kind of are. Couples forced together in an artificial environment, monitored carefully, assessed after each trial. And you and I must be like a repeat experiment. Tried it once and failed, but let’s give it another go and see if we get a different result.’
His heart somersaulted and he drew to a halt. ‘Is that what we’re doing, giving it another go?’
She stared back at him, her teeth biting into her bottom lip. ‘I don’t know. Maybe we’re just having a couple of weeks with someone we know and still feel chemistry with, rather than risking two weeks with someone new and finding we can’t stand them.’
‘If we weren’t here, if I’d met you again outside this show, I’d still want to date you.’
Her gaze flew to his. ‘Really?’
‘Yes, really.’ It amazed him that she could think otherwise.
Her lips pursed together. ‘But say this was a repeat experiment, and we wanted to get different results, we’d have to change some of the … what’s that word scientists use?’
‘Variables?’ He hazarded, trying to keep up.
‘Yes, that’s it. We’d need to change some of them.’
‘I get the feeling you’re now going to tell me what you want to change,’ he commented dryly.
‘I’m going to sound like a broken record, but you need to communicate more. And by that, I mean a lot more. Talk to me about how you feel, don’t make me guess, even if you think this isn’t working. In fact especially if you think that, so I don’t feel like I’m walking off the edge of a cliff with a blindfold on.’
That’s going to go well. Just look at what happened the last time you tried a relationship. He shoved the unhelpful thought aside. ‘I’ll try.’
Her gaze searched his. ‘And what would need to change to make you less likely to ditch me and run?’
Every time, he thought wretchedly. Shame twisted in his gut, quickly followed by horror as he realised a wall-mounted camera was listening to every word. Taking her hand he led her back in the other direction, towards what he’d discovered was a small study. There he shut the door behind them and turned to face her.
Fuck, she was going to be the death of him, standing there with wary green eyes, freckles scattered across pale cheeks that looked so soft he ached to touch them.
‘When we first met, it was intense.’ He took a step forward and raised his hand, trailing a finger across those cheeks, feeling the bump of his heart as her breath hitched. ‘I didn’t know if it was real or if I was just running away from … from things.’ Maybe one day he’d be able to tell her about it, but not now, not in a snatched moment. ‘On some level I knew we were going too fast, too deep. It was why you never met my friends, my sister, but I couldn’t stop. Being with you felt all-consuming, like if I paused, it would all vanish.’ He paused and drew in a breath, afraid he wasn’t making sense.
‘Keep talking.’ Molly’s hand came up to cover his and he looked up to find her watching him carefully.
‘It was only when I found those tickets, and I realised you were planning for us still to be together in three months, that I forced myself to take stock.’ He rested his forehead against hers, hating himself all over again. ‘I wasn’t being fair to you. In an awful way I was using you to forget what I was going through.’ Her face twisted and she looked away, which caused a splinter in his chest. ‘It doesn’t mean I didn’t have strong feelings for you,’ he added roughly. ‘If I hadn’t, I would have found it much easier to call a halt on us.’
A long pause followed, during which his nerves felt as if they were being stretched to breaking point. Did she understand that there hadn’t been anything easy or flippant about their time together? That he’d never intended to hurt her?
‘And now?’ She said finally, a vulnerability to her voice that ripped the splinter wider.
Gently, he cupped her face. ‘I’m not running from anything.’