I engage in my addictive behavior(s) because I want my feelings to go awayRelapse Connection
Check in the box that most accurately describes your experience:
I engage in my addictive behavior(s) because I want my feelings to go away
I engage in my addictive behavior(s) because I want to let my feelings out
Are there specific feelings you are trying to avoid or express? If yes, name them.
To many people, addictive disorders represent a world that is quiet and soothing and takes away their pain—at least for a short while.
Alan, a thirty-two-year-old addict, said, “I was eleven when I took my first drink. I hated the taste, but I felt the warm glow and it worked. I would get sick as a dog, but would still do it again. I got drunk because I had a hole in my gut and alcohol filled it up. Alcohol and drugs became the solution. There was one reason I drank and used. It was to get blithering numb. And when I was numb, not a thing or person could hurt me; I felt nothing.”
Often, the attraction to addictive behaviors is that they serve to medicate inner pain. For so many in recovery, abstaining from whatever form of addiction addicts were engaged in results in experiencing something they spent years trying to avoid—their feelings. For many people in early recovery, the fear and discomfort of feeling their emotions contributes to relapse.
The inability to express and feel safe with feelings frequently begins with experiences in one’s family of origin at an early age. Many addicts grow up in dysfunctional or abusive homes where it was not safe to express feelings. As a result, they live with much fear, disappointment, sadness, and embarrassment. They witnessed intense anger, pain, and rage. It was a very lonely time.
A show of feelings was frequently met with disapproval, rejection, or even punishment. If they showed any feelings at all, they often were rejected. They were given such shaming messages as “Big boys or girls don’t cry,” “Don’t be such a sissy,” or “I’ll really give you something to cry about.” The message, whether delivered overtly or covertly, was clear—it is not okay to be your own person with individual feelings, desires, or needs. Feelings need to be avoided at all costs.
Recovery includes the ability to tolerate feelings without needing to medicate them.
The following questions begin the process of understanding your “feeling” self.
What two feelings are easiest for you to express in front of other people?
What two feelings are most difficult for you to express in front of other people?
We often mask painful feelings with forms of self-protection. For example, we may mask sadness with humor, fear with intellectualizing, anger with social isolation. By identifying when you use such defenses, you are a step closer to recognizing the underlying feelings.
Examine one of the difficult feelings you just identified. When you begin to experience this feeling, what do you do to mask or defend against it?
Take a feeling that you mask—one that is difficult for you to show others. Identify the fear(s) that gets in the way of your showing that feeling. Common fears are: Someone will think I’m stupid. People will take advantage of me. I wouldn’t be in control. What are your fears?
Most fear comes from your personal history, starting when you were a child. For you, the fear is real, but more often than not, it is based in history rather than present-day realities. If you are frightened of sharing feelings, you need to ask yourself if you are carrying past experiences into the present. Sometimes, addicts have a tremendous amount of unexpected energy surrounding a situation. Should your fears be based in present-day experiences, then discussing them with a safe person will help decrease them. It is only by acknowledging and expressing your fears that you can put them to rest.
Feelings
We have many feelings, some we are willing to expose to others, and others we choose to keep hidden. Identify the feelings you experienced (whether or not you expressed them) in the age ranges indicated below. The following list of feelings is only a partial one; feel free to add your own.
People often have more than one feeling at a time, and those feelings may seem contrary to each other. One can love and hate, be sad and angry, be fearful and happy at the same time. This does not mean you are crazy; it means you have reasons to be fearful and happy, angry and sad, or to hate and love at the same time.
What did you learn? _________________________________________
Identify feelings
Let go of defenses
Today, I am grateful for _________________________________________
Many people grow up with chronic fear. Even though fear was frequently experienced, it is often denied. Whether or not these fears are recognized, they are usually carried into adulthood. Addictive substances and behaviors can medicate your fear. But once you are clean and sober, you become more aware of your fear. Sometimes, it is general or “free-floating,” rather than connected to something specific. In some instances, it is pervasive and seems ever-present. Fear can also appear episodically, appearing quickly and powerfully, then disappearing almost as suddenly.
Make a list of four situations growing up in which you remember being fearful and note whether or not you expressed that fear.
Check the behaviors that describe what you did as a child when you felt afraid:
Acted unafraid
Cried
Got angry
Hid (where?) _________________________________________
Told someone about my fear
Other (fill in) _________________________________________
When I was afraid, my mom usually
Never noticed
Noticed, but ignored it
Made me feel embarrassed or ashamed
Made me feel better
Other (fill in) _________________________________________
When I was afraid, my dad usually
Never noticed
Noticed, but ignored it
Made me feel embarrassed or ashamed
Made me feel better
Other (fill in) ________________________________
If there was a particular person—a brother, sister, or other significant person in your life—that responded to your fear (either negatively or positively), identify who they were and describe how they responded.
Expressing Fear
To better understand how you experience fear as an adult, complete the following sentences:
When I am afraid, I
When I am afraid, I
If people knew I was afraid,
Fear Today
There are many valid reasons to feel fear, but these can be distorted by addictive thinking. You might find the following acronyms relevant: FEAR—False Evidence Appearing Real or Forget Everything And Run. If you identify with either of these, it will be helpful to use them as reminders of how addictive thinking can magnify feelings of fear or create needless fears.
In early recovery, the fears are many and include:
• If people really knew me they would reject me
• I’ll never be good enough
• I’m too set in my ways to change
• My life is over
Complete the following exercise. Identify your present day fears. On the right-hand side of the page, list people with whom you have shared that specific fear or are willing to share that fear with now.
What are the positives of owning fear?
Relief
Being less controlled
Greater physical health
Not hiding pain
Being more honest
Other _________________________________________
Identify and own fears
Know self better
Today, I am grateful for _________________________________________
Guilt is a feeling of regret or remorse about something we have or have not done. While guilt is a healthy emotion that facilitates social conscience, it can be distorted if you were raised in a dysfunctional family. Often when problems occur, family members blame each other—wives blame husbands, husbands blame wives, partners blame partners, parents blame children, children blame parents, children blame each other. Young children, because they are defenseless, most readily accept and internalize the blame, even when they have done nothing to deserve it. This often morphs into feelings of guilt.
You may not be aware that you have internalized guilt as intensely as you have until you see yourself acting it out by repeatedly apologizing when you have done nothing wrong, chronically taking care of others at your expense, or having feelings of depression.
Childhood Guilt
Check the boxes of the family members about whom you felt guilt for things that took place when you were a child.
For each box you checked above, give two reasons that prompted your guilt. For example:
I felt responsible for Mom and Dad’s arguing because they often argued about me.
I felt responsible for my brother getting hit—I should have been able to stop my dad.
I felt responsible for not being able to make my mom happier.
I could have gotten better grades at school.
Check each box that describes how you behaved as a child when you felt guilty:
Ate to stuff my feelings of guilt
Hid (Where?) _________________________________________
Apologized
Cleaned the house
Tried to act “good”
Other (fill in) _________________________________________
Other (fill in) _________________________________________
When I felt guilty, my mom usually
Never knew
Reinforced my guilt by blaming me for things I did not do
Made me feel even more guilty
Punished me even if I was not at fault
Made me feel that I was not responsible, helping to lessen my guilt
Other (fill in) _________________________________________
When I felt guilty, my dad usually
Never knew
Reinforced my guilt by blaming me for things I did not do
Made me feel even more guilty
Punished me even if I was not at fault
Made me feel that I was not responsible, helping to lessen my guilt
Other (fill in) _________________________________________
What do you do when you feel guilty today?
False Guilt
Because children have limited mental, physical, and emotional resources, a major part of parenting involves physically and psychologically protecting their children. Children need security, love, caring, and honesty in order to grow in healthy ways. Unfortunately, many parents are not able to meet these needs on a consistent basis. In some of these families, children attempt to fill the void and assume parental responsibilities. But, these are young children—children who do not yet have the ability to act as responsible adults. Not only do parents often ask children to take responsibility for things that adults are normally responsible for, they often insinuate that their children are the cause of their (the adults’) problems. Because of their dependency on their parents, children usually believe that their parents know everything and accept their parents’ every word. As a result, young children have a distorted view of their power. They come to believe they have power to affect people, places, and situations far more than they truly can. This contributes to a false sense of guilt and an overwhelming sense of powerlessness.
Do you have a history of taking on false guilt?
Yes No
Do you take on false guilt today?
Yes No
If you answered yes, complete the following exercise.
Saying No to False Guilt
We often have a distorted perception of where our power lies and, as a result, live with false guilt. While true guilt is remorse or regret we feel for something we have or have not done, false guilt is taking on the feeling of guilt related to someone else’s actions. It is important to gain a realistic perspective of situations that we have the power to affect.
Because this is usually a lifelong habit, it is important to go back and delineate historically what you were and were not responsible for. That will help you become more skilled in recognizing your patterns of assuming false guilt, and discontinuing it.
Reflect back on your childhood and adolescence, consider the things you feel guilty about and say no to each situation. Say, “No! I wasn’t responsible for _______.” “No! It wasn’t my fault; it wasn’t my obligation.”
Write “No!” in each blank and then continue by finishing the sentence:
What do you feel false guilt about today?
Guilt Today
List the people and situations about which you feel guilt today.
Today I feel guilt about:
While it is common to be confused about false guilt, the reality is that addicts (regardless of the forms of addiction) are responsible for their own behavior. In your addiction you have hurt other people.
• Cindy, a codependent, is guilty for not attending to her children’s needs appropriately because she is caught up in her addiction to relationships. She is preoccupied with where and when her next relationship will be occurring.
• Bill, an alcoholic, is guilty for continuing to lie to his partner and friends.
• Jake, a compulsive overeater, is guilty for his lying.
• Jessica is guilty for her stealing to support her gambling.
Step Eight of the Twelve Steps states, “We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.” Step Nine states, “We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
Have you completed Steps Eight and Nine in a twelve-step program?
Yes No
If yes, describe your experience working these steps?
If you have completed these steps, is it possible you omitted certain people?
Yes No
If you haven’t done these steps, what has gotten in the way of doing them?
Do you have a home group?
Yes No
Yes No
There is an appropriate time and a place for making amends. Amends are much more than just verbal apologies. In addition to words, they take the form of healthy behaviors. For example, if you are feeling guilty about not previously showing up at your daughter’s ballgame, you can show up at her ballgame today and at her games in the future. If you are guilty for stealing from a relative’s home, you can begin to make payments. If you are guilty for raging at family members, you can enroll in an anger management course and change your behavior.
Identify three behaviors that would be part of your amends to others right now.
What are the positives of owning guilt?
Relief
Being less controlled
Greater physical health
Not hiding pain
Being more honest
Other _________________________________________
Identify and own guilt
Know self better
Distinguish true from false guilt
Today, I am grateful for _________________________________________
With loss there is sadness, and with sadness often there are tears. Feeling sad and crying are a natural part of being human. If you did not receive validation for your sadness growing up—if you experienced negative responses when you expressed sadness—you probably began to control how you expressed that emotion. As is the case with most other emotions, the way you express your sadness has likely been scripted since childhood. You may find yourself without the ability to cry. Or, you may find that after years of seldom crying, you cry frequently and are unable to identify the reasons for your tears.
The next few exercises are designed to help you identify sadness and better understand how you perceive crying.
Past Sadness
In some families, certain things that were said or occurred caused sadness. In others, sadness was caused by what wasn’t said or didn’t occur. Sadness from childhood can be related to many experiences, including moving multiple times and having to change friends, parents failing to attend school or sports events, or never being told that you were loved.
Complete the following sentence.
When I was a child or teenager, I can remember feeling sad about (whether or not anyone else knew that you were sad):
Check the behaviors that describe what you did as a child when you felt sad.
Cried when I was alone
Cried in front of others
Went to bed
Took a walk
Other (fill in) _________________________________________
Other (fill in) _________________________________________
When I felt sad, my mom usually
Never noticed
Noticed, but ignored it
Made me feel embarrassed or ashamed
Made me feel better
Other (fill in) _________________________________________
When I felt sad, my dad usually
Never noticed
Noticed, but ignored it
Made me feel embarrassed or ashamed
Made me feel better
Other (fill in) _________________________________________
If there was particular people—a brother, sister, or other significant person in your life—who responded to your sadness (either negatively or positively), identify who they were and describe how they responded.
Expressing Sadness without Tears
This exercise is to help you identify whether you have difficulty expressing sadness with tears and whether you have fears about crying.
Complete the following sentences.
When I cry, I
When I cry, I feel
If people see me cry, I
If you were unable to complete the previous exercise because you never cry, complete the following statements.
I never cry because
I might have felt better if I’d cried when
Sadness Today
Addiction creates loss. Where there is loss there is sadness. You may be sad about distant relationships with your children, for the pain addiction has caused in your most intimate relationships, for how you have hurt friends, and/or because a major part of your life is irretrievable.
Complete the following exercise. Identify your present-day sadness. On the right hand side of the page, list people with whom you have shared each specific episode of sadness or are willing to share that sadness with now.
What are the positives of owning sadness?
Relief
Being less controlled
Greater physical health
Not hiding pain
Being more honest
Other _________________________________________
Identify and own fears
Know self better
Identify and own sadness
Today, I am grateful for _________________________________________
For many addicts, anger avoidance is a key issue. You have learned from an early age to quickly diffuse your anger to avoid negative consequences. You have internalized this model and as an adult avoid anger to keep yourself safe. You avoid anger because anger may have a variety of emotional issues attached to it. You may have had a parent who was consistently forceful with their anger and now want to avoid expressing your own anger so as not to be like your parent.
You may have a variety of personal beliefs that preclude you from expressing anger.
Healthy people don’t get angry
I will be shamed and blamed by others
Being angry means losing control
Expressing Anger
Many times people have little awareness of their anger. You may be frightened of your anger, or frightened of other people’s anger, or you may have so much anger that you feel as though you might explode. If you have difficulty expressing anger, it is important to explore how you perceive this powerful emotion.
Complete the following sentences.
When I am angry, I
When I am angry, I feel
If people see me angry, I feel
When people get angry, I
If you were unable to complete the previous exercise because you are never angry, complete the following statements.
I’m never angry because
If I ever got angry, I’d
I might have felt better if I’d gotten angry when
Complete the following sentence.
When I was a child or teenager, I can remember being angry about … (whether or not anyone else knew that you were angry):
If you have difficulty identifying your anger, you may want to think in terms of feeling “frustrated,” “disgusted,” “irritated,” or “upset about.” If that helps, go back to the previous exercise and try it again using these alternative terms.
Potential Anger
If you still have difficulty identifying your anger, try thinking of five things that took place in your childhood and adolescence that you could have been angry about. You may not have felt angry, but the situation was frustrating and the potential for anger was there. Another way of looking at it is to imagine a young child at age five, seven, nine, etc., and put him/her in your family in the same situation.
Make a list of what this child could be angry about.
Check the behaviors that describe what you did as a child when you were angry.
Pouted
Screamed (at whom?)
Was sarcastic
Told the person with whom I was angry directly about my anger
Hit harder on the ball field (or other sport)
Ate to stuff my anger
Ran away
Other (fill in) _________________________________________
Other (fill in) _________________________________________
When I was angry, my mom usually
Never noticed
Noticed, but ignored it
Made me feel embarrassed or ashamed
Made me feel better
Other (fill in) _________________________________________
When I was angry, my dad usually
Never noticed
Noticed, but ignored it
Made me feel embarrassed or ashamed
Made me feel better
Other (fill in) _________________________________________
If there was another person—brother, sister, or someone else significant in your life—who responded to your anger (either negatively or positively), identify who they were and describe how they responded.
Identify your present-day anger, and list the people with whom you have shared that specific anger with or whom you are willing to share that anger with now.
Today I feel angry about: Name
What are the positives of owning and letting yourself feel your anger?
Relief
Being less controlled
Greater physical health
Not hiding pain
Being more honest
Other _________________________________________
Identify and own anger
Know self better
Today, I am grateful for _________________________________________
