Same Song, Second Verse, Same Theme
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Kathryn is a homemaker. In spite of raising three daughters, she became bored as a homemaker and gradually found herself creating excuses to be in social circles where people drank, used cocaine, and partied. This led to outside sexual affairs. At the age of thirty-three, with her husband threatening to leave her if she did not stop her behavior, she sought treatment and began a recovery process.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Kathryn was active in a recovery program for a couple of years. She enjoyed the fellowship, the women’s meetings, and she had a sponsor. But she only shared at an intimate level with her sponsor. It was here she would talk, for the first time, about having been repeatedly sexually abused as a child. She gradually found herself becoming preoccupied with health issues and received a lot of attention for what seemed to be repetitive and severe health problems. Her first relapse occurred with prescription pain pills. After a year of actively using, she went through detox and once again sought out twelve-step programs.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
For the next year and a half, Kathryn’s recovery followed the same pattern as her first time around. She embraced the fellowship and the women in it, had the same sponsor with whom she would continue to talk about her sexual abuse, and once again became preoccupied with what appeared to be self-imposed health issues. She relapsed again. Three years later she detoxed again and returned to the same home group and sponsor.
Mark took a similar journey.
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Mark began his addictive behaviors as a teenager. His first treatment experience was just after high school graduation when his parents insisted he go. After treatment, he attended self-help meetings and liked them. He talked in meetings and was most verbal about his need for a job. When he got a job, his first goal was to buy a car—which he did within months. By this time he had fallen in love. In his mind, all was going great and then he relapsed. Within weeks, he lost his job, his girlfriend, and wrecked his uninsured car. His parents paid a second time to send him to treatment.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
It still takes a long time to get out.
Mark was glad to be back with his recovery friends. He was chagrined about what happened and determined to not let that occur again. Within a month, he clearly needed a job and a car to get around. His friends heard about his remorse, his struggles with day-to-day living, and before long he had a job and a car. He met a young woman, and again, this was the love of his life. Aware of what happened last time, he knew he couldn’t be complacent about his recovery. Yet, he became very busy, and after a time, he again relapsed.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
No one saw Mark for a long time, until one day he showed up very distressed, just out of treatment for a third time. He went to a lot of meetings, talked about his remorse over relapsing, and expressed his gratitude for his parents who had once again paid for treatment. He was thankful for his friends; they helped him follow job leads and he met another woman. As much as he cared for this woman, when she became pregnant he was not sure what to do. This all began to feel familiar. Would he be able to make some changes before he started to use again?
To move from Chapter III to IV and V, it is important to identify repetitive relapse patterns. It is quite possible you are repeating behaviors that sabotage your recovery. The following are just some of the areas commonly involved in repeated relapses.
Choice of friends
Choice of sponsor
Participation in recovery meetings
How much you listen
Practice service work
Priorities
Behavior in relationships
Attitude, such as complacency, argumentativeness, impatience, etc.
What you are not discussing
Identify the patterns of decision-making and behavior that put you at risk of relapse.
In asking addicts with various disorders what they needed to do differently to move from the third to the fourth and then to the fifth chapter of “A Hole in the Sidewalk,” they identified:
Accept being an addict
Get a sponsor
Follow direction
Go to more meetings
Listen to others
Prioritize recovery over being in a relationship
Prioritize recovery over work
Stop going to places where they used or acted out
Limit and let go of certain relationships
Stop accepting family enabling
Dump emotional baggage
Tell the truth
Reach out for help even when not sure it is needed
Share both the good and the bad at meetings
Find ways to help others and not be so self-focused
Quit putting expectations on recovery
Identify what you see yourself doing differently that will allow you to get to Chapter V of “A Hole in the Sidewalk.”
Let’s conclude this journey with another look at Kathryn and Mark.
Kathryn came back to the same group and the same sponsor. When her sponsor suggested she see a psychotherapist to address her sexual abuse, she did. She identified her chronic use of prescription pills and its connection to her need to see doctors. She expanded her recovery program to include additional types of meetings. Willingness, a change in behavior, and insight led to her ability to walk around the hole in the sidewalk. Ultimately, she saw the need to walk down a different street.
Mark was about to become a father and knew that he needed to make some changes in his approach to recovery. He became less preoccupied with his love life, material gains, and the need to look good. He found himself wanting to talk at a deeper level with his sponsor and at meetings. He began hearing things differently than before. He sought out additional recovering friends. He took responsibility for allowing himself to be rescued by his parent’s money, and began to pay them back. He began to walk around the hole, and while it would take more time, ultimately he would walk down a different street.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Identify negative repetitious patterns
Identify constructive behaviors to support recovery
Today, I am grateful for _________________________________________
