November
KENDRA AND LANCE DROVE TWELVE HOURS TO TALLAHASSEE, arriving Friday evening. They wanted to be able to rest and be at the prison before eight thirty, the start of visiting hours.
Kendra almost wasn’t allowed to come. Visitors needed to be preapproved, and the inmate needed to know the visitor prior to incarceration. But thankfully, the prison granted an exception for the new daughter-in-law of one of the inmates.
Inmate. Kendra thought about it and talked about it during the drive, what it was like to be locked up. It wasn’t Lance’s favorite subject, but as she probed, he willingly shared. And Kendra found herself getting sadder. This was his mom’s life, day in and day out. No freedom. No real choices about where to go, what to do. No thought as to how you might enjoy a nice day, because, how could you, other than sitting in the prison courtyard? The beauty of flowers blooming in spring or leaves changing in fall . . . How did one miss that for years?
She was especially moved once they arrived at the facility itself. The wire, the guards. Filling out paperwork. Clearing the metal detector. All the hoops that had to be cleared just for an inmate to have contact with someone from the outside world. And now, watching the faces of eager kids waiting to visit with their moms . . .
Kendra didn’t know what she was feeling. But there was something about life and its twists and turns, the way things didn’t turn out as planned. Lance had told her some of the stories of the women here. Many weren’t hardened criminals. One bad decision, often the choice of a boyfriend, had started the downhill slide. And Kendra knew—as an attorney—if you got snagged in the federal system, you could get decades behind bars for a drug-related offense. More time than murderers and rapists. Time away from these little kids.
She felt a weird kinship with their stories. An interrupted existence. An unexpected journey. Being suddenly very aware that your life is not in your control.
Lance put an arm around her as they waited. “You okay, babe? You’ve been quiet.”
Kendra nodded. “Just . . . this little girl right here, probably Brooklyn’s age. She can’t sit still. She’s full of so much anticipation. I wonder when was the last time she saw her mom . . . and how long before she’ll see her again?” She looked at Lance. “Life. You know?”
“Breaks my heart whenever I come,” Lance said.
The door opened and the visitors stood, looking for their loved ones. The little girl ran forward, saying, “Mommy! Mommy!” Her mother broke into a wide grin and held her tight.
“Here comes my mom.” Lance smiled, moving forward.
Anticipation built in Kendra’s heart as she searched faces. She’d seen pictures of Lance’s mother and knew she’d recognize her—and there she was, in khaki pants and shirt, her hair pulled into a ponytail. Kendra saw the resemblance immediately between mother and son, more so than in the photos, although his mom was petite. And she saw the love between them, too, as they embraced.
When they let go, his mom came directly to Kendra and hugged her too.
Lance laughed a little. “Mom, this is Kendra. Kendra, this is my mom, Pamela.”
“I got all the intro I needed through the letters and pictures Kendra sent,” Pamela said. She smiled at Kendra. “I couldn’t wait to see you. Oh, you don’t know how excited I was to hear about the wedding. You were a gorgeous bride.”
“Thank you, Pamela,” Kendra said. “I really wanted to share the day with you.”
They walked into the courtyard and sat together at a table.
Lance leaned in. “So how are you, Mom? Catch me up.”
Pamela beamed. “They got me in here preaching now.”
Lance looked impressed. “All right now.” He grinned. “Tell me about it.”
“Well, the women call it preaching,” Pamela said. “I’m just sharing one evening a week from my own Bible study.” She winked at him. “Those notes you send from your messages come in handy. I tell them when something I’m saying is from you. They know I’m proud of my son.”
“Tell them I’m proud of my mom.” Lance put an arm around her and squeezed her. “I really am. This is awesome.”
“Pamela, I’d love to hear what your last message was about,” Kendra said.
Pamela started right in. “Girl, I was coming from Matthew 6, where Jesus is telling them, ‘What are you anxious for? God is feeding the birds and dressing the lilies Himself, and you think He can’t take care of you?’ ” Her entire self got animated. “I wanted the ladies to know that even here behind bars, God cares about us, and He’s taking care of us.” She chuckled. “Shoot, if it didn’t encourage nobody else, it sure encouraged me.”
“Wow,” Kendra said, pondering it, “that encourages me too.”
Pamela looked at her. “How are you feeling? I know about your illness, but I’m wondering how you’re feeling inside, in your soul.”
“That’s a good question,” Kendra said. “I don’t get that one very often.” She thought about it. “I get depressed sometimes, especially if I’m focusing on the illness. So I try to make myself focus on God’s goodness, which always includes Lance.” She glanced at him. “You raised a phenomenal son.”
The light faded a little from Pamela’s eyes. “The way he turned out had nothing to do with me. It was in spite of me.” A hint of emotion entered her voice as she looked at her son. “I thank God every day for this boy, and for saving him—and then using him to save me.”
Her words struck Kendra. “That’s really something, Lance. God used you to save your mom and your wife.”
“It is something,” Lance said, “because He used Pastor Lyles to save me, when I was locked up.”
“Pamela,” Kendra said, “I’d like to ask you the same question. How are you feeling, in your soul, knowing you’ll be here for a long time, especially when a twenty-year sentence is so unfair?” She added, “I honestly think I would go crazy.”
“I ’bout did go crazy,” Pamela said. “I couldn’t believe my ex-boyfriend hardly got any time, and he was the dealer. But he gave up another dealer, and that’s what the prosecutors wanted. I felt like my life was over, like there was no point to anything.”
Kendra nodded, imagining herself in her shoes.
“But you know what?” Pamela gave her a look. “God checked my whole perspective. I blamed my ex-boyfriend, but I knew what he was doing, and let him do it from my house, because I was a user. And if I hadn’t gotten locked up, I might still be a user.” She’d thought about this—that was clear. “And it was here that God got my attention and brought me to my knees for the first time in my life. So I found freedom in Christ after losing my freedom in the world.”
Pamela had barely let that settle when she added, “We’ve got something in common, daughter-in-law.”
Kendra had yet to wrap her mind around the other words. “What’s that?”
“I can focus on the length of my sentence and stay depressed, like you with your illness. Or I can focus on God’s goodness and know that I’ll have an eternity to enjoy with Him.”
Kendra sat back, rocked by her words. “I wish I could say we have that in common,” she said. “I don’t do that enough—focus on eternity. Even when I’m focusing on God’s goodness, it’s about what’s here and now, like Lance.”
“Honey, by all means, enjoy your here and now,” Pamela said. “Enjoy freedom, both kinds.” She chuckled at that. “But keep your eyes on the hope to come. Ooh, when I think about it. It’ll be glorious!”
Kendra got goose bumps. “When I told Lance I wanted to come here, it was to meet his mom, but I was also thinking it would be good to come and encourage you.” She shook her head. “You’ve encouraged me, and we haven’t even been here an hour.”
“Don’t think I’m not encouraged,” Pamela said. “It does my heart some kinda good to see that my son chose you as his wife. That right there . . .” She pointed between her and Lance. “That’s real love. It still exists. That encourages me.”
Kendra and Lance stayed in the courtyard several hours with Pamela, and before they knew it, a guard was announcing, “Five more minutes!”
“It’s three o’clock already?” Kendra asked.
Around the visiting area, the excitement of the morning was turning into sadness, especially as kids began to cry, saying good-bye to their moms.
Kendra felt sad herself as they stood. “I’m so glad I had this time with you,” she said. “Now I know my phenomenal husband has a phenomenal mom. I loved seeing the two of you together.”
“And I loved seeing the two of you together,” Lance said. “My two favorite girls in the world.”
Kendra hugged her. “I don’t know when I’ll . . . see . . .” Tears choked her words, if she’d had words. She didn’t quite know what to say.
“Seeing you right now today blessed me like crazy,” Pamela said. “I have a daughter.” She hit Lance. “You take care of my daughter, you hear me?”
Lance’s eyes had welled with tears, and Kendra knew it was because he wouldn’t see his mom for a while. “I’ll take care of Kendra,” he said, “and as always, trusting God to take care of you.”
“Can’t nobody do it better,” Pamela said. She held tight to her son. “Love you, my baby boy.”
Kendra and Lance watched her disappear behind the thick, locked door.