‘Gather around! Gather around!’ sang Mrs Groves from the top of the grand staircase. Pig McKenzie and the Queen stood by her side.
Nobody paid any attention. The Inspector of Schools was towelling himself dry on the curtains while rehearsing the exact words he would use to justify the closure of Groves. The Mayor’s wife was running around, clutching her face, screaming. Suddenly, inexplicably, she had found herself at the centre of a nightmarish game called Pin the Tail on the Mayor’s Wife. Olive and Eduardo were reminiscing about Olive’s very first acrobatics lesson.
‘Helloooo!’ called Mrs Groves.
Still, nobody listened.
The Queen opened her handbag, took out a blue winner’s sash and yelled, ‘Hoy!’
The hall fell silent.
‘The award!’ whispered Olive. She squeezed Eduardo’s hand. ‘Oh, I do hope it goes to someone at Groves. Even if I am about to be expelled, it would be lovely to see one of my dear, sweet friends honoured before I depart. Fumble, perhaps, for kindness of heart and brilliance of dancing. Or Reginald, for efficiency with butter. Or Wordsworth, for poetry and eloquence.’
Eduardo gave her a crooked smile.
‘It gives me great pleasure,’ the Queen began, ‘to announce this year’s winner of the Royal Award for Best Student in the Whole Wide World.’
Pig McKenzie fluttered his eyelashes and simpered.
‘There have been strong contenders from a range of schools,’ Her Majesty explained. ‘Ingrid Dortmundsen from Copenhagen’s Little School of Big Ideas. Ingrid has invented eco-friendly chocolate-flavoured Lego, thus solving the world’s environmental, hunger and boredom problems with one small building block.’
‘Impressive,’ whispered Olive.
‘Ping Ling from Beijing’s Big School of Quiet Ideas. Ping Ling has done remarkable work in teaching sign language to pandas.’
‘Wow!’ gasped Olive.
‘Scott Scott of London’s Quiet School of Little Ideas. After three years of intensive therapy, Scott has summoned the courage to say hello to his mother . . . provided it is a day starting with M.’
‘Good on him!’ cheered Olive, gracious even in the face of her own impending doom. ‘What a champion!’
‘But,’ declared the Queen, ‘I am delighted to announce that the winner comes from Mrs Groves’ Boarding School for Naughty Boys, Talking Animals and Circus Performers!’
‘Yes!!’ squealed Pig McKenzie. He tossed his top hat into the air and danced a little jig, down three steps, then up again.
‘Unbelievable!’ screamed the Inspector of Schools. His vision of closing Groves crumbled before his watery eyes.
The Queen put her hand to her heart and smiled. ‘The winner is humble and kind, with a quiet inner strength. Ever so humble.’
The pig straightened his collar and puffed out his chest.
Olive felt a lump form in her throat. ‘Surely not . . .’
‘The winner is one who helps others but expects nothing in return. One who provides shelter for the homeless, love for the rejected, purpose for the lost, food for the hungry.’
The pig jogged on the spot, twirled his cane around in his trotter and sidled up to the Queen.
‘Good grief,’ moaned Olive.
‘The winner, beloved by one and all, is . . .’
Pig McKenzie stepped forward and bowed his head to receive the sash.
‘Olive of Groves!’
‘NOOOOOOOOO!!’ squealed the pig. ‘You stupid woman! You are wrong! Wrong! Wrong!’ He seized the sash and tried to pull it from the Queen’s hand.
The Queen, ninja-quick and tiger-violent, belted Pig McKenzie over the head with her handbag. THUD! ‘I am not wrong!’ WHACK! She tore the sash free from his trotter. ‘And I am most definitely not stupid!’ WHAM!
Hooray for beige handbags! They are every bit as effective as exclamation marks for driving a point home!
The pig threw his cane to the floor. ‘I am humble and kind, with an inner strength!’
‘I don’t think so,’ said the Queen. ‘You have done nothing but brag and boast since we met.’
Pig McKenzie kicked the bannister. ‘But I have provided shelter for the homeless, love for the rejected, food for the hungry!’ he shrieked. ‘I have worked my trotters to the bone. I have built and cooked and hugged all over the world.’
‘Prove it!’ said the Queen.
The pig was speechless for he had no proof. His good deeds were a figment of his imagination . . . a balloon full of hot air . . . a poorly narrated fairy tale.
The Queen turned her back on him. Leaning over the bannister, she beckoned to our heroine. ‘Dear Olive, I am a keen listener and observer. Since arriving at Groves, I have learned a great deal from your headmistress and your fellow students. I hear that you have worked tirelessly to prepare for my visit and to keep the doors of your school open. Friends were lost, threats were made by the Inspector and nasty pictures were drawn by a Pig of Poor Character. And yet, you were brave and true. You have smiled in the face of adversity. You have bunny-hopped when your heart must have felt heavy.’
The Queen opened her battered handbag, took out a handkerchief and wiped a tear from her eye. She smiled and continued, ‘Oh, brave and wondrous child! You have built a splendid mansion for three rats who lost their nest. You have welcomed an unloved dog into your turret and your heart. You have provided a home and a job for a brilliant upholsterer who thought his useful days had passed. And you have always, always shared the bickies, muffins and lamingtons that your granny sent from home. Shelter for the homeless . . . Love for the rejected . . . Purpose for the lost . . . Food for the hungry. Come hither, sweet Olive, and receive your reward.’
Our heroine was stunned. She had no idea that she had achieved so much.
And that, dear reader, is true humility!
‘Go on, Olive!’ Star whickered and bit her on the bottom.
Olive crept across the hall, tiptoed up the stairs and knelt before the Queen.
‘No, dear,’ whispered the Queen. ‘You shall not bow before me. You shall stand as my friend and equal.’
And taking Olive by the hand, she drew her to her side, placed the sash over her shoulder, hugged her to the royal breast and shouted, ‘I, the Queen, hereby declare Olive of Groves the Best Student in the Whole Wide World and my new best friend!’
