THE NAKED TRUTH

Being shredded by a massive wave after spending an hour in heavy surf is not recommended. I would have kicked the bucket for sure if it hadn’t been for the dark-haired girl from the Outsiders.

When my skinny, surf-bashed body washed up into the shallows (I found out later), she sprinted across the sand, turned me over, and started giving me mouth-to-mouth.

That was when I woke up and thanked my rescuer by coughing a lungful of Pacific Ocean all over her.

(Side note: What is it with us Khatchadorians? We just can’t stop puking on Australians!)

The dark-haired girl jumped to her feet, spattered with Khatchadorian lung drool. Then she turned on her heel and stalked back toward the trees, which was understandable.

I sat up. “Wait!” I yelled, or at least I would have if my lungs hadn’t been filled with another sixty-eight gallons of salt water. I coughed up another bucketload, then heaved myself up and ran after her. “Wait up!” I yelled.

I ran right through the busiest part of the beach, and as I ran, I began to notice a strange sound getting louder and louder. My ears were full of water, so I ignored it and pursued my rescuer.

When the dark-haired girl reached the tree, she glanced back and, spotting me, put her hand to her mouth in shock. At that same moment, the water blocking my ears was dislodged and sound rushed in.

The first thing I heard was laughter—lots of it. And a few screams.

I glanced around. About eleven billion Australians were standing up, pointing at me, and laughing.

I mean, I knew I wasn’t the best surfer ever, but this reaction was a bit over-the-top. I almost drowned! And my swim trunks weren’t that ridiculous, were they? I glanced down at them to check for myself and realized instantly why the good people of Shark’s Bay were laughing.

My psychedelic, Day-Glo, see-them-from-space shorts had been ripped to shreds, and I’d left the last shred on the beach when I started running. I was completely, absolutely, totally naked.