3 SEPTEMBER
I have no idea how I’m going to manage this year at school. M is on my case all the time. I have literally no freedom. I’m not allowed to talk to anyone—especially a boy. That is COMPLETELY out of the question. I see everyone else just being happy—going out, meeting up with friends, getting drunk, having fun—and I don’t understand why I can’t have that.
I don’t understand why I can’t be normal too.
23 SEPTEMBER
So tired today. All that extra work for history is a giant pain in the ass. I know I should be grateful to Mr. L for taking an interest—I wouldn’t even have a computer if he hadn’t said I needed one—but I just can’t deal with all the reading and the extra essays. I don’t see the point. But I suppose it’s a reason to go out. And I can keep in touch with people more easily. And that’s the big news: I had a really sweet message from someone, and I’m not going to say who here because I haven’t really convinced myself to believe it’s real yet. I keep reading it and reading it. It says I’m beautiful. I never knew anyone had noticed me. I never knew anyone even knew I existed.
3 OCTOBER
Imagine, though, what it would be like if the person you liked … liked you back.
10 OCTOBER
SO HAPPY.
I wish I could scream. I’ll just scream here.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.*
(*BRB, hyperventilating.)
15 OCTOBER
I saw R after school for a few minutes—that was all we could manage. Oh my God. It was incredible, just being alone. Imagining is one thing—and we have both been doing a lot of that. But actually touching. Kissing. I wanted more and so did R.
I don’t know if I’m more frustrated or excited. I’ve never felt this way before. EVER.
OMFG. R has my heart completely. It scares me, almost. I wish I knew if R felt the same about me.
4 NOVEMBER
Something very strange has happened. SO strange. And I feel really weird about it.
But also kind of amazed and happy and scared. Very scared.
Because before, it was all just normal and easy, even if my stupid life made it complicated and difficult.
This is different.
This is real.
No more playing around.
[UNDATED]
Why do people have to let you down? Always. Just when you think you can trust them—God, I’m just sitting here shaking my head. I can’t even write about this.
I just can’t.
But it F*****G hurts.
11 NOVEMBER
I don’t even know who I am anymore. I can’t really believe I’m doing the things I’m doing, but I LOVE IT. I feel as if I’ve grown up overnight. Or—let’s be honest—in about twenty minutes. I HAD SEX!!! In the toilet by the staff room of all places! Not the most romantic place, or comfortable. We ended up on the floor and I was trying not to think about whether it was clean or not. Y-U-C-K. This is what I mean—when would I have done something like that before? With anyone? What can I say, though—we got carried away. I mean, I did. I was the one who wanted it. I insisted. And it felt amazing (and strange, to be fair, because it is a strange thing to do when you take a step back and look at it—I keep having flashbacks). But the main thing is that it felt RIGHT. That’s why it’s so sad that I can’t tell anyone, and I do mean ANYONE. They wouldn’t understand. They’d say it was wrong. How can it be when it feels so natural? It’s just love, isn’t it? Proper love. It doesn’t matter who the person is or whether it’s what people expect you to do. It just IS. And I’m really kind of proud of myself. I made it happen.
I feel like this is the person I was always meant to be.
18 NOVEMBER
I thought I was in love before, but this is on a whole new level. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I just wait for the times we can be together, alone.
It’s not enough.
I can’t get enough.
I just look back on the person I was two months ago and I feel so sorry for her. She had no idea what was waiting for her.
Life has begun!
28 NOVEMBER
When I’m eighteen, I’m going to leave this horrible dump of a town and go somewhere else. And I’m going to have a little house with a little garden. And X is going to be there too. And all day, every day, we’re going to love each other. And no one is going to care. We’ll just be a couple. Ordinary. Just like everyone else.
And nothing will have to be a secret any more.
4 DECEMBER
I’ve just been reading through this and crying. THANK GOD I didn’t use any names. At least no one knows what’s really been going on.
Why did I bring my diary into school? Because X wanted to read it as soon as I mentioned it. I shouldn’t have shared it anyway. These are just my thoughts, for me. No one else. And now everything is unravelling and it’s all. My. Fault.
What an idiot.
What a stupid, stupid jerk.
8 DECEMBER
I never thought this would get so complicated. I never thought I would have so many secrets.
No one knows the truth. No one knows everything—except for me. That’s how I wanted it. But I’m starting to wish there was someone I could talk to. Someone who would listen to everything I’ve done and not hate me for the mistakes I’ve made.
Someone I could trust.
I don’t know anyone like that, though. And even if I did, I don’t think they would understand. How could they? I mean, I can’t understand how I’ve ended up in this situation. I don’t know when I started down this road. I don’t know when I chose this life. I don’t know if there was a point when I could have made it all stop.
I didn’t, anyway. I missed my chance. And now I’m trapped.
That’s the thing about secrets—they’re like walls. When I started hiding things, I thought the walls were keeping me safe.
Then I realized I’d built my own prison.
And now there’s no way out.
12 DECEMBER
I wish so much I hadn’t gone to the party.
I thought it would be fun.
Excuse me while I try to laugh.
(I don’t think I have any laughter left. I just have this horrible pain inside me, blocking everything else. I can’t even cry. I feel as if I’m at the bottom of a hole, looking up at a tiny pinprick of light in the distance, and that’s the sky, and it’s so far above me I’m never going to reach it ever, ever again.)
I thought I could forget about everything that’s been going on, just for a few hours. I thought I could dance and be normal.
But then I got cornered by Abigail and her friends. I could have told them everything. I wanted to, even though I knew it was a bad idea.
Then again, it wouldn’t have helped. What could they do? Tell me I’ve got problems? I know that already. Tell me I need help? I worked that out a while ago.
But if I ask for help, who is going to believe me?
Who would ever think I could be in this mess?
I always wanted someone to love me. I thought it would make everything better.
Now I understand that you should be careful what you wish for.
16 DECEMBER
I can’t stop cringing. I hate myself. I knew what X wanted me to do and say, so I did it.
I’m such a coward.
I keep telling myself I couldn’t have done anything different, but I know the truth. Hurt people I love or get hurt myself. That’s not much of a choice. But I shouldn’t choose me all the time. It’s not as if it’s helping.
I was scared before, but now I’m terrified something bad is going to happen. I feel like a fly caught in a web. The more I fight, the more tangled up I get.
I think I’ve made a terrible mistake.