I felt his eyes on me in the car the entire ride into Toronto, yet every time I looked at him, his gaze was on Julianna. He sat across from us in a limo, Julianna safely strapped into a car seat beside me. The silence was making me jittery.
“How did you arrange for the car seat so quickly?”
“I have connections.”
“The same connections that got my luggage off the airplane?”
He shrugged. “They’re far-reaching when need be.”
“How did you know which one?”
He finally tore his gaze off Julianna, meeting mine. “I knew your alias five minutes after I got the call. Your luggage was taken off the plane ten minutes after they showed you the private room. The loudspeaker in the room was disconnected before you walked into it. A guard was stationed in the hall in case you tried to leave,” he said flatly with no emotion as if reciting a grocery list, not spinning his web of trapping me.
“Who are you?” I wondered out loud.
“I told you. I’m your husband. The father of our child. I wasn’t letting you slip away again.”
“The man I married ran a security firm.”
“The man you married was more than that, and you knew it. You chose not to see it, and I was stupid enough to allow it.” He leaned forward. “I lied to protect you, and I have regretted it every day. I hated how you discovered my lie, but what I hated most of all was that you ran before you let me explain. That you walked away as if what we shared meant nothing.” The look in his eyes became frostier. “That you hid our daughter from me and only by chance did I find out about her.”
“I was trying to protect her.”
He cocked his head. “And I was trying to protect you.”
Another uneasy silence fell between us. Julianna squirmed, kicking her feet, and Julian leaned forward, rubbing her tummy. “Is she okay?”
“Yes. She’s just fussing a little. Her schedule is off.”
“Julianna,” he crooned. “Pretty little girl.” He smiled, tickling her chin, which seemed to delight her. I was amazed since she never liked strangers. I supposed I shouldn’t be surprised she liked Julian. I wondered if she sensed their connection even as distant as it was.
He wound one of her curls around his finger. “She has your hair,” he mused.
“A little darker.”
He looked up, his eyes all at once vulnerable and pleading. “Why did you name her Julianna?”
“I wanted her to have something of her father’s,” I said honestly.
“Besides my DNA?” he asked, a smile tugging at his lips. “The eyes sort of give it away.”
“So does the impatience at mealtime.”
He bent close to her and whispered something to her I didn’t catch. I watched the scenery go by, the sights becoming familiar as we got closer to Toronto.
There was so much I wanted to say, so many questions I had to ask, but I was aware there was a driver and this wasn’t the time or place.
“Are you still in the same place?” I asked.
“Yes. For now.”
“Oh?”
“We’ll need a house. With a yard. She’ll need a swing set.”
“She’s too young for that. And I’m not staying.”
He ignored me.
“I got a crib and other items you need for her. They’ll be in place when we arrive. Whatever else you need, we can get tomorrow.”
“There is no—”
He cut me off, leaning close and gripping my chin. He held it firmly but not tight—he controlled the pressure so as not to hurt me. He stared into my eyes.
“You aren’t going anywhere, Tally. Not without me. Whatever life you were living, whatever you left behind, is your past. You are my wife, and Julianna is my daughter. You are staying with me. Do you understand?” He released his hold on my chin, running his knuckles over my cheek and tucking a curl behind my ear the way he always used to.
“You can’t force me,” I protested, even as I tried not to luxuriate in the feel of his touch. I had missed it so much. I had missed him.
“It won’t be force.”
“You’re forcing me now,” I pointed out.
“You need persuasion. We need time to talk, to forgive, and move forward.”
“What if I can’t forgive?”
He lifted his eyebrows, his gaze serious. “Then I will fight you for our daughter. I have a feeling I know who would win.”
I felt the blood drain from my face. He was right. I had nothing to fight with. And I had run away, keeping her birth a secret. My past wasn’t great either, and I had no steady income. Nor did I have the contacts he did.
“You would take my daughter away from me?” I managed to get out.
“I would fight to keep you. Both of you.”
I had to turn away before he saw how his words affected me.
He spoke, his voice weary. “I believe you have had your own secrets, Tally—Julianna being among them. I think it’s time we both bared our souls and let the dust settle.”
I didn’t reply.
The apartment looked the exact same as it did the day I left. Nothing had been moved or changed. I was certain my coffee cup was still waiting for me beside the Nespresso machine. Julian carried Julianna, her little face scrunched against his shoulder, his large hand splayed across her back and head. I followed in silence, the only noise the wheels of my suitcase I pulled behind me. He walked past the master bedroom and into the guest room.
The bed was pushed against the far wall, and a crib and changing table were set up along the wall closest to the door. On the bed was a pile of baby clothes—used but in perfect condition. There were diapers, blankets, even a cheerful mobile hanging over the freshly made bed. A Diaper Genie sat ready beside the changing table, and bottles of baby products were lined up.
I shook my head. “I can’t believe the head of a dangerous organization has people who shop for baby stuff at the drop of a hat.”
That earned me a chuckle. “Leo and his wife had this stuff. I had heard him telling Anne they were going to put it up for sale. I called him from the helicopter and made him a deal. A bunch of the guys went and picked it up and brought it here. Leo’s wife helped set it up.”
I remembered Leo fondly. He was a soft-spoken man who did some security work on occasion for Julian and ran the building for him. I recalled Julian saying he’d been hurt once on a job gone wrong, and it was Julian’s responsibility to make sure Leo was taken care of.
“Who is Anne?”
“My new secretary.” He flashed me a grin that almost made me laugh. “She’s terrible.”
“Does she knit?”
“Needlepoint.”
“Ah. Well, that’s what you get for hiring old ladies.”
“I had the best,” he declared. “Nowhere to go but down.”
I ignored him.
“You shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble.” I took Julianna from his arms when she began to fuss, and he looked upset.
“She’s hungry. I have to feed her,” I explained, wanting him to know he hadn’t done anything wrong for some reason.
“Right.” For the first time, he looked unsure. “What can I do? I have no baby food. Leo’s wife, Gwen, didn’t say anything about baby food.”
“She’s still breastfeeding. I need some water if possible. And some privacy.”
I was shocked to see his cheeks flush. “Right. Water. I can do that. I’ll be right back.”
He bolted, and I sat down on the chair in the corner, settling Julianna at my breast. I stared down at her, trying not to cry. It wasn’t good for her when I got upset. I had to stay calm and figure this out.
I had no other choice. Julian made that very clear. I just had to figure out how we settled this. Losing my daughter wasn’t an option.
Julian came in with a large glass of water and ice, the sides of the glass slick with condensation.
“I remembered you liked lots of ice.”
“Thank you.”
He paused, uncomfortable. He ran a hand through his hair, then rubbed the back of his neck, clearly unsure what to do next.
“So, I’m going to order dinner. Give you some time. I’ll be in the living room.”
I nodded, keeping my gaze focused on Julianna. Her eyes were closed, her little fist bunching and unbunching as she fed.
“Is she okay?” he asked, his voice concerned.
“She does that. Always has. I think she enjoys eating, and that’s how she shows it.”
“Okay. Good. So, I’ll be out there…” He trailed off.
It occurred to me he was nervous. Unsure of his place here. Although his worry was touching, this was my time to bond with Julianna.
“Fine,” I murmured, not looking up.
He paused at the doorway, and I felt his stare.
I didn’t return it.
JULIAN
Jesus, she was so beautiful, sitting and nursing our child.
Our child.
The words echoed in my head over and again as I walked down the hall. I went to the kitchen and poured a shot of scotch, downing it in one mouthful. I shook my head at the fire in my throat and the way the alcohol warmed my chest.
I reached for the phone, called Carlos, and ordered pizza, then added salad, dessert, and a chicken fettuccine since I wasn’t sure if pizza was something nursing mothers ate. I hung up and wandered to the window, looking out over the bustling city.
I had no clue about mothers, nursing or not. Babies either.
It had never occurred to me that Tally could have been pregnant when she left me. She had been on birth control, but obviously, it failed. Given how often we’d made love, it wasn’t surprising she got knocked up. I paused with the glass partway to my lips. Was that why she’d run? Worried over my reaction? We had never discussed kids in a serious fashion.
Then I shook my head. There was more. Instinctually, I knew it, but I didn’t know why. Not the whole picture.
I heard the soft cries of my daughter from down the hall, and I had to stop myself from running to find out why. The intense feeling of protectiveness I felt for her was shocking. It was even stronger than the ones I had felt for Tally. But these were twisted up with fear and love. A need to nurture and care for the tiny being who had suddenly appeared in my life.
I had no idea what to do with all the feelings.
The noise stopped, and I sighed. Tally knew what to do for her. Earlier, I had watched her for a short time on the hidden camera in the room she had sat in at the airport. Saw how she rocked and held Julianna, changed her, and moved her around with an ease I envied. I had no clue how to hold a baby. I had never done so before.
She was obviously a good mother. Loving and caring. Devoted.
I thought about the intense fear that crossed her face when I threatened to use my power to take Julianna away from her. I shouldn’t have done so, but I was angry. Furious with her that she’d kept her a secret from me, horrified at the thought that if Conrad hadn’t seen her, I could have missed years, if not her entire life.
And God help me, I wanted those years.
The sound of running water and Tally’s voice cooing drew me back down the hall. In the adjoining bathroom, Tally was hunched over the sink, Julianna kicking in happiness as she lay in the water.
“Who loves her bath?” Tally asked, ticking Julianna’s tummy. “Who loves to splash Mommy?” I was fascinated watching them. I had always been transfixed by Tally, and with Julianna in the mix? I feared I was straight-up obsessed.
Tally looked up, meeting my eyes.
“She was a bit milky and still fussy. I thought a bath would help. She usually drifts off after one.”
“You can order her a proper tub tonight. Plus whatever else you need.”
She didn’t argue, concentrating on Julianna.
“Your friend brought some nice products. The lavender bath will help soothe her.” She laughed, holding up a facecloth. “I do need some smaller cloths. Yours are like a towel for her.”
“Sure. You can get whatever you want or need. I ordered dinner too.”
She lifted Julianna from the sink, laying her on a towel she had on the counter and quickly tapping her dry and swaddling her.
“Did you want to hold her while I get her diaper and onesie?”
I nodded eagerly, letting Tally settle her into my arms. I grinned as one small hand fought its way out of the towel, flailing around. I slipped my finger into the fist, chuckling.
“Is Daddy’s girl so strong?” I murmured. “Such a hard grip.”
I met Tally’s eyes, shocked to see the tears in them. I stepped forward. “What, Tally? What is it?”
She shook her head, seemingly unable to speak. Without thinking, I pulled her close, pushing her head to my chest, the way I had always done when she was upset. She accepted my embrace, her arms going around my waist. I caught our reflection in the mirror, her and me together, me holding our daughter.
A family.
My world, my brain whispered.
I held my daughter, insisting Tally eat her meal. She took a little chicken fettuccine and salad, but she mostly pushed it around her plate. She refused the wine I offered, saying it upset Julianna’s tummy.
I made a mental note to procure a book on babies and nursing mothers. I needed more information.
“You need to eat more than that, Tally,” I scolded. “I don’t know much, but I do know you need to fuel your body. She must deplete you constantly.”
She didn’t reply.
“If you don’t like it, I’ll order something else.”
“It’s fine. I’m not hungry.”
“Don’t punish me by punishing her,” I snapped.
Tears filled her eyes. “I would never do anything to hurt my daughter.”
“Our daughter. Stop omitting me,” I demanded.
As if sensing the tension in the air, Julianna began to cry. Her face became red, the sound of her distress triggering a reaction in me I had never experienced.
Helplessness.
Tally jumped up and took her from my arms, holding her close. “It’s okay, Jules. Mommy has you. It was just a noise.” She glared at me. “She isn’t used to yelling. If you insist on this, can you try not to be such a jerk around my—” she shut her eyes “—our daughter?”
I stood, running my finger down Julianna’s cheek. “I’m sorry, little one.”
“I’m taking her to bed. It’s been a long day.”
“Your dinner…” I protested. “I wanted to talk. We need to settle this.”
“We are not going to settle anything in one night, Julian. And we’re certainly not going to settle it tonight while I’m stressed and she’s upset.”
With that, she turned and walked away, the muffled sound of Julianna’s cries echoing in my head for hours.
Shame and guilt burned through me. I shouldn’t be yelling—especially around Julianna. And I knew today had been as great a shock to her as it had to me. We both had to adjust.
I sighed as I put away the basically untouched dinner.
Tomorrow would be a better day.