The shower seemed to calm Julianna. I lingered in it, keeping the water warm but not overly hot, the steam seeming to soothe her. Her eyes drifted shut, and she fell asleep. I wrapped her in a large towel and laid her on the bench as I washed off, keeping one hand on her. I was proud of myself as I dried her off, slipped on a fresh diaper and a onesie, all while she slept.
Tally watched from the bed, then held out her arms. I tucked Julianna beside her. “She’s asleep, so you sleep,” I whispered.
“You need rest too.”
“Later.” Without thinking, I bent and kissed her forehead. “You’re more important. Rest.”
Sofia was right, and the next twenty-four hours brought with them a big change. Julianna’s fever disappeared, and it was obvious she felt better. Her wide, gummy smile appeared again. She ate. And she showered with me three more times. She loved the water all around her, and I loved bonding with her, making up silly games, and yes, even singing to her. I did it really quietly so Tally couldn’t hear me. Julianna liked it, though—I could tell.
While Julianna was napping, I grabbed a longer shower for myself. I towel-dried my hair and walked down the hall, pausing at the door. Tally was standing over the crib, looking down at Julianna, who was sleeping, the silence blissful. I realized, without a doubt, I couldn’t bear to hear my daughter cry for any reason. Once she was older and figured that out, I was in trouble.
I watched from the door, something stopping me from going into the room. Then I realized that Tally’s shoulders were shaking, and she was covering her mouth to stifle her sobs. I hurried forward, standing behind her.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” I asked, terrified.
Tally shook her head and turned, burying herself against my chest. She wrapped her arms around my waist, sobbing hard but quietly. Julianna was fine, her breathing deep and even, the flush gone from her face. “Hey,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around Tally, noticing how slight she felt. “What’s this? She’s fine, baby. By tomorrow, she’ll be great.”
Tally shook her head, still crying, her voice muffled against my chest. “I know,” she hiccuped. “I was just so scared, Julian. And you were so calm and helped us so much…” She trailed off.
I slid my hands up her arms, sliding them over her neck. I cradled her face in my hands. “I was anything but calm, Tally. Inside, I was terrified. But we worked together, and our girl is going to be fine.”
“You-you’re a good daddy,” she whispered.
I bent and brushed my mouth over hers, tasting her relief in her tears. “You’re an awesome mommy. We got this, yeah?”
Her lips trembled, and a shiver rushed down her body. Our gazes locked, her brilliant blue meeting my hazel. Hundreds of words passed silently in the air. Thousands of whispers and hopes. Fears. An entire lifetime of questions and answers flowed between us. A lifetime of us.
Despite my exhaustion, I felt it. The flare of passion I always had when Tally was close. It didn’t matter if we were too tired to be making decisions. Too drained to think clearly. I wanted her, and the way her eyes grew larger, her pupils dilating, she wanted me too.
With a groan, I captured her mouth, pulling her tight to my chest. She whimpered, her grip around my waist tightening. I slid my tongue inside, tasting her, the feeling of need growing. She tasted as sweet as I recalled—like candy and Tally. Perfect.
I moved back until I was sitting on the bed, Tally on my lap. She moved her arms to my neck, our mouths fused together. She ran her hands through my hair, tugging hard the way I liked. I gripped her hips, pulling her against my erection. She undulated over me, both of us caught in a vortex of long-lost feelings suddenly come to life and pulsating. She felt right in my arms, different, but right. Like her scent, our daughter had changed her curves, and I wanted to explore them all over again. To know if she was still ticklish. If she liked my tongue on her. Wanted my fingers playing with her. My cock buried inside her. I wanted to discover her all over again.
I fisted her hair, wrapping it around my hand, slanting my head to go deeper into her mouth. Our tongues slid together, a sensual dance. I ghosted my hands up under her shirt, her skin a silken treasure I had missed touching.
Then Julianna woke up, letting out a long wail. Tally and I broke apart, our breathing hard. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes wide. I cupped her cheek and kissed her again.
“Our daughter is a cockblocker.”
Tally giggled, and I stood, laying her on the bed. “Stay.”
I picked up Julianna, holding her high on my chest. “Hey, my girl.” I carried her to the table and changed her quickly, lifting her back up and carrying her over to Tally. “Ta-da,” I murmured, presenting her to Tally with a flourish.
“You’re getting good at that.”
“Practice.”
I settled Julianna beside Tally, surprised when she flailed her arms, squirming against Tally.
“She wants you, Daddy.”
Delighted, I scooped her up and rounded the bed, climbing onto the mattress with Tally. I settled Julianna on my shoulder and patted my chest. Tally snuggled into my side, her head under my chin and one hand on Julianna. Both my girls fell asleep, and I grinned as I watched them. Contentment and a feeling of home washed over me, and for the first time in my life, I felt truly at peace. Happy.
I let my eyes drift shut, holding my family.
TALLY
I watched Julian with the baby, his frown of concentration somehow only making him sexier. He had always been handsome, but when he was holding our daughter, he became even more so. She loved being in his arms, as if she knew who he was and that she was safe. I could understand that since I always felt the same way in his embrace. I was so confused. The anger I had felt from him when he walked into the room at the airport had dissolved over the past few days. He was gentle and affectionate with Jules. Patient with me. His passionate kisses yesterday showed me the spark that existed between us was still there. It was, in fact, hotter than ever.
“What’s happening between us?” I blurted out, finally addressing the elephant in the room.
He looked up from the bottle he was feeding her, his expression calm. “We’re getting to know each other again.”
“To what end?”
He set down the bottle, lifting her to his shoulder carefully, rubbing and patting gently on her back the way I had shown him. I was using the pump, getting some milk stored so he, too, could feed her—bond with her in another way.
“To be a family, Tally.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond, and he spoke again before I could, his tone mild.
“Where have you been?”
I knew I had to be honest with him if I expected him to be the same with me.
“A small place in Nova Scotia. Cathy owns it, and they took me there when I needed a place to stay and be safe.”
“Be safe from me?” he asked, his eyebrows lifted.
“Be safe from your world.”
Julianna burped loudly, and he praised her, settling her back into his arms and slipping the nipple in again. She began to eat in long pulls. “Why did you come back?”
“Cathy became ill and didn’t have much time left. June begged me to come and let her see Julianna. After everything they had done, I couldn’t say no. We planned every detail—or, at least, I thought we had.”
“You didn’t expect to be seen by one of my men.”
“Not in the London airport,” I admitted.
“So, if Conrad hadn’t seen you, you would have left, and I would never know of her existence. You would have hidden her forever.”
“Yes.”
I met his eyes, seeing the maelstrom of emotions in them despite his calm appearance. “You hate me so much you would have kept her away?”
“I don’t hate you, Julian. I wish I did—it would make things so much easier.”
“Explain that to me.”
“I ran away to protect her. To save her from hurt and pain.”
“I’m still not understanding.” He glanced down. Julianna had fallen asleep as she often did when feeding. He carefully laid her in the carrier, pulling a blanket around her. He sat back down, facing me, waiting.
“You left me alone,” he said simply, but I saw the raw emotion in his eyes. The hurt and pain that clouded his gaze. “Without a word. Not a chance to say goodbye or to explain anything. Injured and alone in the hospital. I didn’t know where you were. If you were okay. Why you’d left me. I faced months of recovery on my own. Worried, trying to find you. Terrified something had happened to you. Meeting dead end after dead end.” He shook his head. “Even with my connections, it was as if you were a ghost. I had to find a life again.”
“I didn’t leave until I knew you would recover.”
“Which I did alone.”
I had trouble meeting his gaze. “I had to go before I changed my mind.”
“Well, it’s nice to know it at least bothered you a little to walk away.”
There was no mistaking the hurt in his voice.
“It tore me apart, Julian.”
“Yet, you did it.”
I straightened my shoulders. We could go around this for hours.
“And you went back to work. To Hidden Justice.”
“I did. In a different capacity, yes.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m only the chess master now, Tally. I move the pieces on the board, but I don’t play the game. The bullets that night made sure of that. I can’t be in the field at all anymore. I would be a detriment to the team.” He drew in a long breath. “And once I fell in love with you, the craving for the edge of danger was gone. I didn’t want to risk myself. I didn’t want to risk us.”
I had noticed the loss of dexterity with his arm. He hid it well, but the occasional grimace crossed his face, and at times when he lifted his arm, I could see a slight tremble in his hand. He often had to switch sides while holding the baby, and I knew his shoulder and arm hurt him. He never said a word, though.
I swallowed, his words echoing in my head. “I hated knowing you were shot because of me.”
He cocked his head. “Did you think I would blame you?”
“I didn’t know.”
“Is that why you ran? You were fearful of me? My reaction?” He shook his head. “When will you realize, Tally, you have nothing to fear from me? In no way do I hold you responsible. Your brother was working his way up the crime ladder and would have been on my radar soon enough. He did this, not you.”
I thought back to the night I received the call from Damien. His serious tone telling me I would be escorted to the airport, where a private plane would take me to Julian. How terrified and confused I had been.
“He is badly injured, Tally. He needs you.”
Nothing prepared me for seeing Julian lying in a hospital bed, silent and wounded. The tubes, the blood, the unexpected stillness of him. I shut my eyes, shaking my head, trying to clear the vision.
“Damien laid it all on the table. He told me about Hidden Justice. The work you did. How dedicated you were to the cause. How many people you helped to save. Especially women and children. He explained about Elite Security.” I swallowed, remembering the horror his next words caused me. “He told me the truth about Dean. What happened that night. And that he had shot Dean dead.”
“I’m still pissed at him about that—telling you everything.”
“You shouldn’t be. He wanted me to know the person you were. How courageous and giving you were. How you risked yourself to make me safe. To make others safe. How dedicated you were to the cause. He wanted me to know the real you in case you died.”
Julian frowned, then swallowed.
“The part about Dean—did that upset you? Knowing he was now dead? The kind of person he really was?”
“Knowing how misplaced my trust had been shook me. That he used me, stole my life from me without any remorse, was hurtful. That he tried to kill you horrified me. All of that was a lot to absorb. But what upset me the most was the fact that you had lied all that time. Kept such a huge part of your life a secret. Instead of letting me in so I could maybe help, even if it was emotionally when you did one of these raids, you kept me in the dark.” I met his steady gaze. “That’s what brought you to the bar that first night—why you drank so much.”
“Yes.”
“And how you protected me against that biker. Your training.”
He nodded, not speaking, simply regarding me the way he did. Intensely, giving nothing away.
“How did you become one of them? Part of Hidden Justice, I mean?” Damien hadn’t told me that part.
“I was a rookie in the police. I got shot during a takedown. A street-cop-career-ending injury. Both my knees and my shoulder. I got reassigned to a desk job. I hated it, but I was good at it. I started helping to organize things behind the scenes. It was noticed, and I was contacted by someone at Hidden Justice. Long story short, I met with the man who would become my boss, listened to their objectives, and signed up. I worked my way up fast and got the role of Commander pretty young.”
“Can you tell me more about them?”
I shrugged. “They are one of the most hidden agencies there is. Layers and layers of secrets. How they’re funded, I have no idea, but their resources are limitless, it seems. I have no clue how they started, who runs the whole show, or how long they’ve been around. My boss has a boss, who has a boss. How far up that goes, I have no idea. Their mission and goal remain the same and became my objective. Save innocent lives. How they go about it is violent but, frankly, necessary. That’s why governments turn a blind eye. The team became my life.”
“And you were dedicated.”
“It was easy to be so. Plus, I had no one in my life aside from myself to worry about. Until you.”
“And you hid it from me.”
“I thought I was protecting you,” he admitted. Then he met my gaze. “And you left me because of the omission on my part. You didn’t give me a chance to explain—you simply walked away,” he stated.
“That was a huge part of it, yes. I was overwhelmed and couldn’t think straight. Then I discovered I was pregnant. It-it changed everything.”
For the first time, his voice became laced with anger. “How? Did you not think I would rejoice in that news? You never gave me the chance.”
I walked over to the carrier, looking down at Julianna, who slept peacefully, unknowing of the chaos around her.
“I was shocked at first and trying to grapple with everything I’d found out. My brother hated me. He couldn’t care less if I was dead or alive. You had another whole life I knew nothing about. A scary, dangerous life. You were barely hanging on for a couple of days, and I was already mourning you. When you started to recover, I was so relieved, but I thought about having to go through that again. Of having to explain to our child you were dead if one of your missions went wrong.” A tremor ran through me. “My dad died when I was a baby. I didn’t know him, so I never missed him. My mom passed when I was a teenager, and I still mourn her to this day. Miss her terribly. I thought if Julianna never knew you, she would never have to know that pain—I could spare her that. I thought that if I walked away now, I would get over you. We would live our lives without you.”
“Did that work for you?” he asked.
“No,” I admitted.
He stood behind me, his heat wrapping around me. “You didn’t think that I would suffer? That I would miss you for the rest of my life?”
“I didn’t think I was as important to you as Hidden Justice and your work there.”
He settled his hands on my shoulders. “Tally, how could you think that? I loved you.”
I heard the past tense and tried not to let my tears escape. “Not as much as I loved you,” I whispered.
He spun me in his arms. “You’re wrong. I loved you completely. More every day.”
“You seemed to be pulling away from me. And you didn’t trust me. Not enough to tell me.”
“I was wrong. I thought I was protecting you, but the truth was, I was protecting myself. I was afraid, with your history, how you hated violence, you would leave me if you knew how much violence my world contained. The same things that gave me the ability to protect you could also destroy us.” He touched his forehead to mine. “And they did.”
“I loved you so much, but I was so scared.”
“Of me?” he asked again.
“No, of loving you more than you loved me. Of not being enough. Of losing you.”
“Tally, how could you doubt my love for you?”
“Because you rarely said it. You loved me with your body, protected me with your actions, but you never said the words. After we got married, it felt as if there was a disconnect between us,” I confessed.
He frowned.
“You would leave for ‘meetings’ and be gone for hours. You didn’t let me in, Julian. You seemed so busy with things, but you never let me help. You hid what you were planning from me. I would wait for you for hours, then come home to an empty apartment. When you did come home, you were preoccupied.” I ran a hand over my hair. “I thought you were bored with me already. I didn’t know what to do. How to reach you. How to be a good wife. I felt as if I was failing. I wondered if you regretted marrying me.”
JULIAN
I stared down at her, so many thoughts and feelings swirling in my mind. So many questions, misconceptions, and pain we had to work through.
“Never,” I replied. “I never regretted marrying you. The only thing I regret is letting you think I didn’t love you as strongly as you loved me. I had planned on telling you everything once I had taken care of the situation. But I was caught up in the discovery of your brother and how despicable he was. Not knowing how to tell you everything you thought about him was a lie. In making plans in case anything did happen to me. A will. The right paperwork at Hidden Justice. I had never had to think about anyone else aside from myself before, and I wanted to make sure you were looked after. Everything seemed to need my attention. I thought you knew—that you understood the depth of my feelings.” I slipped my fingers under her chin. “Going forward, I will make certain you know every single day how much I love you.”
“Going forward?”
I lifted her hands to my mouth and kissed them. “I need you to forgive me. I need to forgive you. We have to in order to move forward. To build our life together.”
She stepped back, shaking her head, walking away. She stopped at the window, crossing her arms. “I can’t, Julian. As much as I love you, I can’t do this.”
“Why?” I asked, fighting down my anxiety and impatience. What was I missing?
“It’s still there. The danger. What you do.”
I frowned.
“I won’t take her away. We’ll arrange visitation, and you can see her whenever you want. But I can’t live with the fact that one day I’ll get a call from Damien, and this time, you won’t come back to us. I need to build my own life.”
I approached her, shaking my head. “Listen to me. I am not doing ops anymore. I meant it when I said your brother ended that for me. I work from my desk. I don’t even join the team for outside recon. Nothing. I can’t pull a gun fast enough or rely on my arm to be steady enough to pull the trigger. I am nothing but a shadow. I assign the men. Debrief and help them. That is all.”
“And when that isn’t enough? When you decide to go back out there?”
“I won’t. I have too much to live for.”
“But you won’t give it up.”
I inhaled deeply. “If you ask me to, I will. For you.”
“Then you would resent me.”
“I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know I want you in it. If that’s what you need, I’ll do it.”
She glanced away. “Love shouldn’t have conditions.”
“Sometimes life is just that way.”
Julianna woke up and began to fuss. Tally moved around me, picking her up. She rocked her, making hushing noises to soothe our daughter, but her own eyes were troubled.
“Tally,” I began, waiting until she looked up and met my gaze.
“You say you wanted to spare Julianna the pain of losing me, the pain you’ve been struggling with since you lost your mother.”
She nodded.
“Would you trade that pain for the loss of the memories you have of her?”
For a moment, she looked confused, then her eyes flared with understanding. “No,” she choked out.
“She could lose you the same way you lost your mother. I could be crossing the road tomorrow and be hit by a car.” I studied her as my words sank in. “Life isn’t guaranteed or wrapped up in a bow, baby. You can’t shield her from it, no matter how much you want to.”
I could see my words hit their mark.
“I need to think,” she murmured.
“Promise me you won’t leave.”
“I won’t. But I need time.”
She walked down the hall, her shoulders bent. I shook my head, wondering if it was too late. If my lies and her running had already broken us. Matteo had warned me breaking her trust would have consequences. Could she forgive me? I had already forgiven her. Listening to the pain in her voice when she talked about her reasons. Although I didn’t totally understand them, I knew to her they were very real and very strong. She had been scared. She still was. What I had said to her had rattled her.
I sat down, feeling despair.
Only time would tell.
Later that night, I heard Julianna fussing, and I slipped into the room, laying my hand on her tummy and running it in circles. She settled immediately, the light touch soothing her. Tally had shown me that trick. I glanced toward the bed, surprised to find it empty.
I headed to the living room, finding Tally staring out the window into the inky darkness of the night. Her thin cotton gown ended at her knees, and her shoulders were bare. I stepped behind her, drawing her back into my arms. Her skin was chilled.
“What are you doing?” I asked quietly, unable to resist pressing a kiss to her shoulder.
“I hurt you,” she whispered. “I was so scared and confused, I hurt you and Julianna with my selfishness.” She drew in a shaky breath. “I thought if I left you first, the pain wouldn’t be as bad since I controlled it. That I wouldn’t miss you every day. Long for you every day. Want to share every little discovery of her with you.”
Despite the pain in her voice, my heart soared at her admission. I tightened my arms around her but didn’t speak.
“My whole pregnancy, I missed you. I took pictures all the time, wrote a journal like I was talking to you, sharing the time with you.”
“I would like to read it.”
“You’re right, Julian. I wouldn’t give up my memories of my mom to erase the pain. I wish I had memories of my dad.” Her voice caught in a sob. “I-I never thought of it that way.”
“I know, baby. I understand.”
She spun in my arms, peering up at me. Her eyes were red-rimmed and filled with tears. It was obvious she had been crying for a long time. “How can you be so forgiving? You must hate me,” she sobbed.
I cradled her face in my hands as I shook my head. “I can’t hate you, baby. I know you were scared and confused. I know your first instinct was to run. I hate the fact that I missed your pregnancy and Julianna’s birth. I hate knowing how alone and scared you’ve been. How much you’ve been handling on your own.” I pressed my forehead to hers. “But I can’t hate you,” I repeated. “I love you too much.”
She gripped my wrists. “Still?”
I met her gaze, letting her see the emotion in my eyes. Wanting her to feel the depth of the feelings I had for her. “Always,” I vowed.
Then my mouth was on hers, our lips moving together. I tasted the salt of her sadness, the sweetness that was her. I pulled her tight to my chest, devouring her mouth, my need and desire for her overwhelming everything else.
She wrapped her arms around me, and I felt every inch of her through the thin material of her gown. I lifted her into my arms, our mouths never separating. I carried her to my room, laying her on the bed, following her down to the mattress, my weight pinning her down. We kissed endlessly, reacquainting ourselves with each other. The nuances of her mouth, the soft shape of her lips underneath mine. All were as new and different as they were familiar and comforting.
I trailed my mouth across her cheek to her ear. “I want you.”
“Yes,” she replied, tugging at my shirt. “Yes, Julian.”
Seconds later, we were skin-to-skin, my heat soaking into her chilled flesh. I rediscovered everything I had forgotten, every memory of her I had tucked away in the dark recesses of my mind. The tiny group of freckles on her right breast I loved to tease with my tongue. The dimples on her elbows and knees. How dainty and elegant her ankles were under my fingers. The rounded curves where her hips met her waist and how ticklish she was. The sweet indent between her thighs where she was wet and ready for me. How she whimpered when my tongue touched her heat. She gasped my name, the longing in her voice ramping my passion higher.
She gripped at my shoulders and sank her fingers into my hair, yanking on the strands. She arched her back, pushing herself closer to my tongue. I lapped and teased, sliding one finger inside her, then two, riding out her unexpected orgasm. My cock was hot and heavy, aching to be joined with her. She shocked me when she pushed on my chest, and I fell back on the bed with a wry grin. My wife wanted to reacquaint herself with me as well.
I groaned as her eager mouth sucked on my nipples. I shivered as her blunt nails traced patterns on my skin. She nipped at my neck with her teeth, then followed the sting with a soothing swirl of her tongue. She pressed kisses to my new scars, her mouth lingering over them, tender and sweet. I cupped her face and kissed the tears that tracked down her cheeks, knowing the reason for them. The touches of her mouth were like small, healing balms on the marred flesh.
She teased and licked her way down my body, wrapping her hand around my erection.
“Oh God, Tally, yes, yes,” I groaned when her hot mouth slid over the head of my dick, her talented tongue swirling as she took me deep into the wetness of her throat. I arched my back, wanting more of her. I looked down, meeting her gaze. Wild blue met my dazed hazel, the expression and depth of passion in her eyes shaking me to the core.
“I need to be inside you. Now,” I demanded. “Now, Tally.”
She straddled me, guiding me to her center. She sank down, inch by glorious inch, until we were fused together. She rolled her hips, bracing herself on my chest, the movement making me hiss in pleasure. I gripped her thighs, encouraging her. “Ride me, Tally. Take what you want, baby. I’m yours.”
Her eyes darkened and she moved. Long, deep rolls of her hips. I thrust upward, matching her rhythm, not wanting to be separated from her. Her head fell back, small whimpers of pleasure escaping from her mouth. With a low roar, I sat up, gathering her close. We rocked and moved. Loved and fucked. She moaned my name as I tipped us over, lifting her legs to my shoulders, and began to thrust into her powerfully. She tightened around me, her muscles fluttering and seizing as she came hard, crying my name. I buried my face in her neck as ecstasy overwhelmed me. My orgasm was powerful, crashing into me like a tidal wave, sweeping my feet out from under me and leaving me twisting in the powerful current, unable to tell up from down as my world spun out of control.
Until it crested and I was at peace. Wrapped in my wife’s arms, my weight once again pressing her into the mattress. She held me tight, stroking my damp back with her gentle hands, murmuring my name.
I lifted my head, meeting her gaze.
“Stay,” I whispered. “We’ll work it out, Tally.” I kissed her. “Don’t leave me alone again.”
“I won’t, Julian.”
“I love you.”
She smiled. “I love you too.”