CHAPTER 5

I was so ready to leave the hotel room to be with Tristan, I was basically hopping on my feet. My mom was talking, but I didn’t hear a word she said. The clock was ticking way too slowly. She was just complaining again. But I took her hand and forced half the money I’d made working with Tristan into it. Why did she fight me? You’d think she’d be happy I was helping. It didn’t matter I guess. Always, the same questions.

“Honey, where are you getting this much cash?” Mom’s worried, yet needy whine followed her reluctant acceptance of the few hundred dollars I handed her.

“It’s what I earned on my job the last few days.” I tried not to roll my eyes at what I knew she would ask next.

“Are you sure it’s legal?” Her condensing raised eyebrow irritated me.

“I work on computers, iPads, and other stuff, in a garage. Mom it’s legal.” I sighed.

She hugged me. “I’m just so sorry you have to give me your money to provide a place for us to sleep. The cleaning jobs are starting to pay better and get more frequent.”

“I can help you with those too. When I get back from working around six, just tell me where to meet you.”

“No. You’ve done enough. We have to find a place more stable and near your aunt so you can go to school with your brother.”

“Okay, but this place is better than the others.” I sniffed; it didn’t even smell bad since mom had added fragrant plug-ins to make the place seem homey. She worked out some deal with the management. Mom agreed to clean the units in exchange for us being able to stay there until the end of the summer. Before she left to clean all the houses she’d gained contracts with, she would clean the newly vacated rooms out at the hotel. I wondered how she kept going on so little sleep.

“Save some of your money for a cellphone. One of my employers is giving me one since I got another contract to clean her medical office.”

I smiled at her. My heart burst with happiness at the obvious pleasure on her face. Only thing was, where would my mom find the time? Lately, she came to the room way after me, and collapse into bed next to me. Now she even snored. Probably out of sheer exhaustion.

“That’s great, Mom.” I glanced at the clock on the wall. “I’ve got to go. My ride will be at the park soon.” Hugging her with a quick kiss goodbye, I raced out the door and down the stairs. Tristan met me at the established pick-up spot.

I didn’t stop jogging until I crossed the parking lot and got to the corner. The light turned green. Then, I ran to the park across the street. I was where Tristan started picking me up last week. It was closer to his house and was safe from some of the pimps and gangs in the area since police cars roamed freely.

His car pulled up within a minute of me sitting on the bench facing the street, near the bus stop that was empty that day. It was the first time I’d worked with him on a Sunday. We were working on a computer security system that had given us some trouble. The owner was insistent he needed it on Monday or he wouldn’t pay the entire charge.

The brakes on the car squeaked when Tristan stopped. I waited, since he insisted on opening the door for me. Tristan joked that his mother drilled into him that he had to practice treating girls nicer than he did his sister.

“Hey, sorry I was late.” Tristan opened the door.

I slid in and shrugged off my backpack. “It’s okay, I was running late anyway.”

Tristan frowned. “Why? Is your mom okay? Did something happen?”

I released a deep breath. This was why I didn’t want to tell anyone of my family situation. They started feeling sorry for me. Tristan tried not to seem like he did, but when he gave me a little more money each day, I suspected that was why.

“Uh, nothing. My mom just was worried about what kind of job I had. But…” I needed to tell him how I felt about this.

“I can meet her and let her know this is legit.”

I shook my head. “No. It’ll be okay. But Tristan. Don’t feel sorry for me. Or my family. Things happen, bad or good. However, I’ve learned something about myself. I will survive. Because, I won’t give up.”

Tristan nodded. “I know you will. I don’t want you to think I pity you.” He touched my hand tentatively, and captured my eyes with his, before he folded my fingers with his. “I ask you these things because I care about you.” He leaned forward, almost touching my lips. “A lot. And besides, friends – take care of friends.”

I froze. My mouth watered, because I really wanted him to kiss me. Forcing my eye closed, I hoped he had the courage I didn’t to just do it.

Softly, his lips touched mine. I inhaled. He deepened the kiss as his other hand came to rest on the back of my neck. I whimpered from the burst of butterflies that tickled my stomach.

Honk!

Tristan jumped. Pulling away, Tristan said in shaky voice, “We better get go.”

I blinked as he hit the gas.

We didn’t speak on the short ride. I didn’t trust my voice. Every part of me that felt alive wanted to touch him, hug him, jump on him, and shower kisses all over his face. But I wouldn’t. Why? Because of my true lack of courage to take what I wanted, even with the threat of outright rejection from a guy who held my heart in his hands like putty.

He parked in the garage and sighed before facing me. “Sorry about kissing you. That’s not the way I want this to go. I offered you a job because I needed help. Not because I wanted more.” Tristan dragged his hand down his face. “Forgive me?”

I gave him a sanguine smile. “No prob.” I shrugged. “I get it, okay?” Then I climbed out of the car, because I couldn’t bring myself to look at him without crying. I started moving things around making sure my back was to him. What did he think was so wrong about kissing me? I needed the comfort of his friendship, but my heart wanted more. Didn’t he see that? Didn’t he want that too? He just took that great moment and turned it to snot.

Tristan walked around the vehicle to wrap his arms around my waist from behind. “Make no mistake. I want you. So bad it hurts, but…it’s not right to. Not after…” He slid closer to me as he twisted me around to look at him.

Inside, a bubbling up of emotion reached out for the tortured longing in his eyes. I’d loved him. Longer than I’d realized. For the first time in my life, I’d fallen in love. His deep brown eyes, and handsome face weren’t what drew me to him anymore. It was his heart, his acceptance of me, no matter how I looked or lived. Tristan was my friend, and he came along when I really needed one.

“Tristan …” I gulped before I could spill what was overflowing in me, an insistent noise interrupted my admission.

A knock, more like banging cam at the door. It burst open and a teenage girl, a bit older than me with long, thick black hair, marched to Tristan. “You owe me!”

Tristan stepped back. “For what?”

The girl pointed her finger at his chest. Her high cheekbones and brown eyes framed by black hair looked similar to Tristan’s. “Covering your job of cleaning up after jock boy!” She snatched a set of keys off the wall behind Tristan. “I’m taking your car and sending his entourage of admirers to the garage again.”

He sagged against the shelf. “Arrgh!”

“Who was that?” The words slipped out before I could help myself. I didn’t want to seem nosey but I could tell Tristan was agitated.

“My sister. She’s sick of my brother’s trail of girlfriends the same as me.”

“Then why are you protecting him? Why don’t you tell him to fix his own screw-ups?”

Tristan shook his head. “You don’t understand. I’m the oldest. He almost died a few years ago.”

My jaw dropped. “Oh, I didn’t know. How?”

“It was my fault. We were in the back woods, down the block a bit. My cousins were over our house that day. Well, I got some fireworks, BB guns, and beer for the four of us.”

I sat on the stool near the shelf near him and listened.

“I put a firecracker in a gas can. I wanted to show them I could make the metal ball I put in the can fly up, over the trees.” He tapped his finger on the shelf; it appeared to keep his thoughts from racing. “It didn’t go off immediately. There was a delay. I was lighting up a cigarette and told my brother to check on it. When he did, the can blew up in his face.”

I reached for him, and without thought to my shyness, I hugged him, squeezed him.

Tristan’s voice cracked. “I love him, but he’s a prick sometimes.” He hugged me back then continued, “Always been. He’s my brother, and I won’t screw him over again.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t…” I barely got out the words before he released a tortured groan and kissed me again. This time with a desperation I’d never felt. I clung to him, because it was the first time in a long time that someone close to me felt what I experienced everyday. Loneliness. The desire to connect to someone—anyone—who cared for me, only me.

“I shouldn’t…” He pushed me away with a groan. “I’ve got to go. Can you start without me? I’ll be back, okay?”

Every cell in my body felt alive. Satisfied when he kissed me, but I had no words to answer as he pushed past me and out the door. I understood his pain, even that he didn’t want to use me just to feel better. But what I didn’t understand was, if he wanted me, why wouldn’t he allow himself to have me?