When Online Dating Victims Fight Back

“I made myself believe there had been some sort of misunderstanding and that he hadn’t just raped me.” With that belief, Lisa Banks stayed in a severely dysfunctional relationship for years. It would change her and her daughter’s lives forever.

In the weeks leading up to the night of the rape, Lisa had been seeing a lot of her new boyfriend, Donald Brunstetter, whom she had met on an online dating site. She believed she saw all the signs of a serious relationship. They were spending every available minute together and had recently gotten to know one another’s children. A few days earlier, a week after Memorial Day, Brunstetter had called to ask Lisa if she could pick up his son, Josh, at school. He suggested that Lisa bring her 6-year-old daughter, Lauren, along for the ride. Brunstetter promised he would cook dinner for all of them that evening. After dinner, they watched a movie together, during which the kids fell asleep on the couch. For Lisa, it was the ideal ending to a perfect day.

“When I indicated that I needed to load Lauren into the car to take her home, he suggested I let her sleep,” she said. Brunstetter was inviting Lisa to spend the night.

“If I promise to be a complete gentleman, will you spend the rest of the night in my king-size bed with me?” was Brunstetter’s polite appeal. Lisa agreed. At first, she kept her clothes on, but then he suggested she put on one of his T-shirts to be more comfortable; she agreed, and it was a decision she soon came to regret.

“If what happened next is any indication of what he meant by being ‘a complete gentleman,’ we were obviously operating on different wavelengths,” said Lisa. “He started kissing me, then tried putting his hands under my shirt. I pushed him away and he reached into my panties. I pulled away and he crudely suggested I perform oral sex on him. When I hesitated, he simply overpowered me and had intercourse with me. He was much larger and stronger than I was, and he seemed unaware of my sincerity in asking him to stop.” Since the kids were downstairs, Lisa was afraid to make any noise. Afterward, while Lisa was still reeling over the forceful encounter, Brunstetter told her he loved her. She just wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

In 1998, Lisa was newly divorced and finding it difficult to juggle work, motherhood, and dating in Annapolis, Maryland. Starting over was a big challenge; she was a 36-year-old mom with a 6-year-old daughter. She had waited 2 years after her divorce before deciding it was time to take the plunge into the dating scene again. Since she and her ex-husband remained friendly, she complained to him one day about how hard it was to find a man who wanted to date a single mom.

Her ex suggested she try the free online dating site that he had recently worked on as a consultant. Lisa remembered initially thinking that any of the guys on the dating site could be an ax murderer. But she convinced herself that she could meet an ax murderer just as easily in a bar or at the public library. Besides, she felt she had a better chance of weeding out any undesirables online.

Although the website her ex recommended didn’t do any background checks or verify who was posting profiles online, he reassured her that most of the users were honest people who were having a hard time meeting someone, just as she was. He laughed and said the biggest transgressions most people make on these online dating sites usually involved underestimating their weight and posting old or retouched photos of themselves. If those were the biggest challenges, Lisa felt she could deal with them.

“Initially, I went to the site to see how it worked and to see what sorts of men were listed,” Lisa said. “In order to maintain control and protect my privacy, I did not post a profile of my own—at the time it was not required—but instead looked at the ads posted by men who met whatever criteria I wanted, and initiated contact with those that seemed interesting.”

In March 2000, when she finally decided to post her own profile, Lisa did the smart thing. Instead of giving out her primary email address that she was given by her internet service provider (ISP), she signed up for a free email account through Hotmail. This way, she could easily delete the account if anyone she contacted got out of line. She made sure she didn’t post her last name, the age or name of her daughter, or any other personal information.

“I found numerous listings for men in my area, near my age, some with children, most gainfully employed, and, based on the provided photos, not complete toads,” she said.

Encouraged, she spent several hours going through the profiles. Although most of the men wrote basically the same information in their About Me sections, she ended up finding a few men who shared some commonalities with her, including a great sense of humor and a slight obsession for grammatical accuracy.

Through trial and error, she soon discovered that if you have children or pets, you should mention it early in the online dating process because it’s a deal-breaker for some men. Most of the men she contacted were either single or divorced without children and had no desire to get involved with a mother of young children; even divorced dads—at least those who were divorced without custody of their children—were reluctant to date single mothers.

Lisa continued searching, and she communicated via email and IM with a few men she liked. She was always up front about the fact that she had a child.

“Many of the men I met had turned to online dating because they worked long hours or odd shifts, and some shared custody of their children,” Lisa said. “Nobody seemed in a big rush to meet in person, which was quite convenient. I could get to know someone while baking cookies for the school bake sale, and it was fun having email pen pals.”

Three months went by, and Lisa didn’t feel as though she had made a special connection with any of the men she had gotten to know online. She gradually talked to a few of them on the phone, quickly eliminating some of them. The field finally narrowed to two men: David, who had full custody of his daughter who was about Lauren’s age, and Brunstetter, whose son was also about Lauren’s age and lived with his ex-wife. Both men lived in nearby towns, an added bonus.

Brunstetter would appear and chat via IM for short intervals, but he was always heading out the door on a camping or hiking trip, or to enjoy a weekend at the beach. Because he wasn’t online as much as the others, Lisa found him a bit mysterious and intriguing. Although she hadn’t talked with him on the phone yet, she sensed there was a strong mutual attraction developing.

Lisa decided it was time to meet both David and Brunstetter in person. Her first step was to make arrangements to meet David at one of his daughter’s sporting events at a public place.

“Over the phone he seemed stable and reliable, but also overworked, tired, and disillusioned, like he never fully recovered from the failure of his marriage,” said Lisa. “He was a full-time single dad, working at a demanding job 6 days a week.”

The week before her arranged meeting with David, Brunstetter IM’d her and suggested they talk on the phone. She agreed. “I felt as though I had known him for years,” she later recalled.

Looking back, Lisa dismissed a few red flags during their conversation, including some off-color comments he made. He often referred to himself as very handsome and said that women found him irresistible. But despite his vanity, there was still something about him she liked. He mentioned he was doing some repairs on his house that weekend and invited her to stop by. Lisa’s daughter was with her father that weekend, so she accepted Brunstetter’s invitation for dinner. He was going to make his famous chicken Alfredo for the two of them.

“I was a little surprised when I pulled up at the curb,” said Lisa. “The house was in disrepair, and the gardens overgrown, but he’d mentioned that he was making repairs, so I assumed he’d purchased the home as a fixer-upper.”

What was even more surprising was the man who answered the door. He was tall and unkempt, dressed in dirty clothes, smelled like cigarette smoke, had childhood acne scars on his face, and held a can of beer in his hand. When he smiled, she saw he was missing a few teeth. This was definitely not the handsome man he had led her to believe he was on the phone, but she shrugged off her misgivings and entered the house anyway.

When Brunstetter asked if she was willing to help him install a bathroom light fixture upstairs, Lisa was flattered. He put her right to work “as if I belonged, and a shared activity seemed a good opportunity to get acquainted.” She added, “I have since learned that this is a technique typically employed by those seeking to exploit others, by creating a false sense of a shared dilemma. In fact, I now recognize many ‘red flags’ that I overlooked in the early stages of the relationship.”

Brunstetter quickly explained why the house was so rundown. He said he had purchased it from a friend who bought foreclosed homes and residences from tax sales. He repaired them and then flipped the houses for a profit. Brunstetter had purchased his place a few years ago when he was planning on getting married. But when the relationship soured and they broke up, the house sat untouched for a while. He finally decided it was time to start fixing up the place.

While he was installing the light fixture, Brunstetter bragged about how he had paid cash for his three vehicles (a pickup truck, a Ford Bronco, and a Ford Taurus) and that he had a 19-acre parcel of land in West Virginia with a small cabin on it. He also told her how his residential power-washing business serviced upscale neighborhoods at a rate of $1,000 to $1,500 per house. Lisa was impressed.

Although they worked on the light fixture for a while, it was the wrong voltage, so Brunstetter gave up on installing it and decided to get cleaned up. Lisa went downstairs while he showered. When he came downstairs a few minutes later, Lisa was happy to see that he looked much better dressed in clean clothes. He took her on a tour of the rest of the house and even pointed out a bedroom that he said would be perfect for Lauren. Looking back, this was another red flag she missed; they weren’t even dating yet, and he had their lives completely arranged. But she thought he was wonderful and decided not to say anything.

“We spent much of the afternoon talking, finding we had a lot in common, and he seemed to be a gentle and sincere person, despite his imposing physical presence,” said Lisa. “He indicated that he’d placed his profile online in the hopes of finding a wife within a year’s time, as he felt he was ready to settle down.”

This was just what Lisa wanted to hear, red flags or not. She wanted the same thing.

Instead of Brunstetter making his famous chicken Alfredo as he had promised, they drove to a riverside bar, where he played pool while they talked. He seemed to know everyone at the bar, and by the end of the night, Lisa was euphoric and even let him kiss her. When they returned to his house, he suggested that she sleep on the sofa in the living room since it was already so late. He appeared to be sincere; he left her alone, and in the morning, they had a chance to chat a bit more. Although Brunstetter said he wanted to pursue a relationship, he didn’t seem to be in any hurry to get serious. In fact, he said he wanted to date some of the other people he had met on the online dating website and encouraged her to do the same. She was surprised by his honesty but pleased that he wasn’t forcing her into any commitment too quickly. She thought that maybe this could work out after all.

They talked that night on the phone, which then became their routine every night thereafter. She met David for their prearranged date but found that he was too wrapped up in his own life to make room for anyone else. Besides, she had Brunstetter now.

Just before Memorial Day, Lisa called Brunstetter and asked what his plans were for the weekend. He said one of the women he had met on the site was flying in from Chicago. Since they had made these plans before he met Lisa, Brunstetter said he had to honor his invitation. Although this woman would be staying at his house, Brunstetter told Lisa that he didn’t plan on having sex with her. Lisa trusted Brunstetter wholeheartedly.

The following Monday, Brunstetter called and told Lisa he missed her. His lady friend from Chicago was long gone, and he wanted to see Lisa and even asked if he could bring his son Josh to her house for an impromptu barbecue that afternoon. Lisa was elated and thought it was perfect timing for Josh to meet Lauren. While Lisa was busy grilling burgers and making the rest of the dinner, Brunstetter played with Josh and Lauren. Though Josh seemed a bit quiet and reserved for a young boy, Lisa decided that he was just shy around strangers. Lauren liked Brunstetter right from the start.

By June 2000, Brunstetter and Lisa were spending less time at her apartment and more time at his house, and most of the time Lauren was there with them. Brunstetter came home one day and said he had hurt his back at work and needed to take some time off from his business. Lisa didn’t think twice about it. In July, Josh went back to his mother’s house, and Brunstetter said he could watch Lauren during the day while Lisa went to work. Lauren told Lisa that Brunstetter was fun to be with, which Lisa loved to hear. She could feel herself falling in love with him.

One weekend, Brunstetter took Lisa on an outing to his quaint cabin in West Virginia.

“It was actually a pop-up camper with a broken crank mechanism that had been tied to a tree to keep the canvas up,” she said. “There was no plumbing or power, the canvas was torn; it was infested with bees and ants, and had clearly provided a cozy winter home for small woodland creatures.”

Brunstetter explained that the camper was just a temporary place and that he planned on building a house just for her. He called her his true love. She was captivated and believed him, of course.

Then, he began pressuring her about getting married. It would be best to get married before September, he said. That way, Lisa could enroll Lauren in school in his district so she wouldn’t have to change schools later on.

While this made sense to Lisa, Brunstetter began to express some rather unusual ideas about marriage. He said he wanted their marriage to be open so he could explore his sexuality with others. He said he needed to have sex with someone else—with or without Lisa—a few times a year. If she couldn’t agree to that, he said their relationship would have to end.

Lisa was devastated. She couldn’t agree to those terms, and she told him so. They didn’t talk about it any further, but by the end of the day, Brunstetter’s attitude had changed completely; he said he intended to be 100 percent faithful to Lisa.

“I thought he had been pulling my leg the whole time, just to see how I’d react,” she said. “It had to be a joke, right?”

On August 14, 2000, Brunstetter and Lisa were married. Brunstetter chose the date because he said it was exactly 6 months before and after Valentine’s Day. Lisa thought this was the most romantic thing she had ever heard, but her happiness didn’t last long.

“Donnie often commented on how attractive he found almost every woman he met, suggesting frequently that we take one to bed with us,” said Lisa. “Even on our honeymoon, he kept bringing this up. He even joked that when Lauren turned 18 that he would divorce me and marry her.”

Lisa didn’t take him seriously. Brunstetter never went back to work during the time they were married. All he did was care for Lauren while Lisa was at work. He made sure Lauren ate breakfast, went to school, and returned home safely. During the summer, he spent all day with Lauren. Lisa felt this was totally acceptable behavior for a stepfather, especially since he wasn’t working.

But the longer Brunstetter was unemployed, the more of a toll it took on their marriage. He never applied for or received unemployment, Social Security, or any other disability assistance to help out financially. He had lofty ideas for business ventures. At one point, he announced his intention to become a limo driver, but Lisa soon discovered he had DUIs, suspensions, and moving violations on his driving record, precluding any such employment. Another time, he said he wanted to work as a locksmith, but it came out that he had been convicted of breaking and entering and that idea quickly fizzled. He even suggested selling Lauren’s used underwear on eBay. Lisa thought he was joking but later realized that she should have seen this as a red flag, too. The couple began arguing more and more. Finally, Lisa couldn’t take it any longer and, in 2002, she left him. Their divorce was finalized on November 27, 2002.

Lisa started to rebuild her life with Lauren, who was then 11 years old. By the time of Lauren’s 14th birthday, in 2005, Lisa discovered that Lauren had been cutting herself with razor blades.

“I was shocked, frightened, and confused,” Lisa said. “I got her into therapy, and 9 months later she admitted that Brunstetter had sexually abused her from the very beginning. I was simultaneously angry at the monster that had mutilated my child and devastated for my injured daughter. I was sure she intended to kill herself.”

Later that year, Lisa enrolled Lauren in a program designed to help children who have been sexually molested, and over time, the teenager began to heal. Lisa filed charges against Brunstetter in September 2007.

In her impact statement at the trial in July 2008, 17-year-old Lauren offered the following testimony to the court:

My mother tells me stories of a younger Lauren, a person I can’t find anymore. If Donnie had never done what he did, things might be different. I watched my mother’s heart break when she learned what he had done to me and believed she should somehow have known about it and made it stop. The things that happened to me when I was 8, 9 and 10 years old were things I was powerless to stop. I now see that Donnie didn’t love my mom and he didn’t love me. He was using my mom to get to me and using me to satisfy his perverted desires. None of this was my fault, or my mom’s fault, and it’s time for Donnie to pay for all the suffering he has put us through. Because of what Donnie did to me I have had a lot of problems to deal with. I have countless emotional, mental and physical scars. I have experienced things that no innocent child should have to deal with. I am not a kid anymore, and I haven’t been in a long, long time. I was introduced to adult experiences I did not understand in a way that was absolutely wrong. I am suspicious of people who try to befriend me. I don’t know who I can trust. And I feel like everyone who meets me can tell I am different and thinks less of me as a result. I want Donnie Brunstetter to be in a place where he can’t hurt anyone else.

Brunstetter was sentenced on August 20, 2008. Of the 15 charges brought against him, he was found guilty of six: two charges of child abuse, unnatural or perverted practice; second degree sex offense; third degree sex offense; and second degree assault. He received 15 years in prison, most of which were suspended; he still had to serve 5 years of his sentence. He was also required to register as a sex offender and to pay court costs.

Brunstetter tried to get his sentence reduced and the charges against him dismissed. His requests continued through October 2009, but on November 2, the state attorney’s office called Lisa to advise her that Brunstetter had changed his mind about the appeal.

“Donald wrote a letter to the judge admitting his guilt and withdrew his appeal,” said Lisa. “He requested that a copy be sent to me and to my daughter, as he expressed his remorse for the abuse and stated clearly that none of what happened was her fault and that he hoped she would continue to get the counseling she needs to move past this.”

Lisa and Lauren both remain in therapy and continue their efforts to put the past behind them. According to Lisa, she intends to remain single.

Donald Scott Brunstetter after he was finally charged with sexually abusing his stepdaugher [Courtesy of Anne Arundel County Police Department]