TEARS SPRANG TO my eyes. I couldn’t believe I was staring up at her. That I was hearing that musical voice out loud instead of trying to conjure it up from cobbled-together fragments of memory. That she was actually here.
Yes, I’d held out hope this entire time that I’d find her. I’d been steadfast in that—stubborn, even. But to actually see her standing in front of me . . .
I opened my mouth, tried to say something, and could only manage the most pathetic of tiny whimpers. I sounded like Pancake being denied food. And as the tears broke free and started to stream down my face, I realized something: In the most secret part of my sub-conscious, I’d doubted my own hope. I’d wanted so badly to find her, but deep down, I’d wondered if Evie was right. If my hope was as foolish as it had been so many other times.
“Bug.” Mom held out her arms. “Come here.”
I scrambled to my feet. The tears were streaming freely down my cheeks now, blurring everything around me. But I managed to stumble forward into her arms. I slumped against her, deflating completely. It was like all the tension, all the sadness, all the pain of the last two weeks—hell, the last ten years—left my body. In her arms, I could remember everything about her, all the vibrant detail I’d lost the longer she’d been gone; the gentleness of her hands stroking my hair, her light scent of cinnamon mixed with magnolia. I could have just stayed there, being soothed, forever. It felt like coming home.
“Bug,” she said, pulling back and putting her hands on my shoulders. “Let me look at you.” She smiled at me warmly, her green eyes—the eyes Evie always said were so much like mine—sparkling. She was wearing an outfit I vaguely remembered, one of those hippie-dippie maxi-dresses with bell sleeves she’d loved so much. This one had a tiny daisy print. “You’ve gotten so beautiful. And look at this hair, like a mermaid’s. It’s so you.” She laughed in wonder.
“Mom,” I choked out, trying to get my bearings. I needed to get my shit together for two seconds so we could get her out of here. “I have to figure out how to get back,” I continued, my words spilling out in a rush. “I mean, before it was automatic, I just hear that plane noise again, and then I get dumped back to where I came from, but I’m not sure how to take someone else with me. Do you know?”
A shadow passed over her face. “It’s going to take some doing, my darling. I’ll explain in a moment. First, please tell me how you are. How Evie is. I want to know everything.” She clasped my hands in hers and beamed.
“We’re good, Mom,” I said. I was still trying and failing to get a handle on the chaotic mass of emotions crashing through me. Every nerve in my body felt like it was standing at attention, like the world around me was turned up way too loud. “I mean, mostly.” It didn’t really seem like the time or place to get into Evie’s and my dysfunctional dynamic. “Evie’s a badass superheroine, and she protects San Francisco from demons, and there are even comic books based on her adventures and stuff. And she fell in love and married the most amazing guy. He seems kind of grumpy and dour at first, but he’s actually the kindest, most patient person, and he loves her so much. And I’m . . . um . . .” I swallowed hard. What could I say that wouldn’t make me sound like a total loser? I’m a currently-on-probation part-time superhero and directionless bookstore lackey who’s in a fight with one of her best friends and sleeping with the other one? I’ve never, ever figured out how to not be a total disappointment to the one other remaining member of our fractured family?
“Oh, Bug,” my mother said, reaching up to brush tears from my cheek. “You’re in so much turmoil. I can see it written all over your face. You know, while I’ve been trapped here, I’ve been able to see snippets of your life. I know you’re trying so hard. And you have nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Th-thank you,” I whispered, my voice shaky.
“I can’t believe I’ve missed so much,” she said, shaking her head. “Kathy’s been catching me up. Is it true that your father—”
“Wait a minute, what?” I interrupted. “Oh, and, uh, yes, Mom, Dad’s a total deadbeat, sorry. But more importantly: Kathy’s evil! She tried to mind battle with me at the Market and I’m pretty sure she’s the one who trapped you here—”
“Oh, no, Bug,” Mom said, her brows drawing together. “Kathy’s a true friend. She’s been trying to help me get out.”
I frowned. “Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure,” my mother said, smiling.
“B-but she’s trapped other people here, too,” I said. “This guy who owned a pretzel stand—”
“I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood. Or more accurately, you’ve been misled.” She frowned, getting that steely look Evie was always talking about—the Tanaka Glare. But it wasn’t aimed at me; it seemed to be directed at whoever had been doing all this misleading. “Those people in the other dimension are dark forces, trying to imprison more people as I’ve been imprisoned all these years. Kathy’s been trying to stop them. But they will try to trick you, Bug—you can’t listen to anything they say.”
I took a deep breath, trying to make sense of what she was saying. “What do you mean ‘other dimension’? How many demon prison dimensions are there? And if Kathy’s on the side of good, why has she been trying to block me at every turn? I mean, she basically punched me with her mind—”
“Bug.” My mom took my hands in hers and gave me a gentle smile. “Slow down, love.” Tears pricked my eyes again. Being able to touch her and talk to her and see her smile at me the way she had when I was little—it was all so sweet and fresh and novel. Even though I was confused, even though we were chatting in her demon dimension prison cell, I felt soothed. Like that wild, unruly piece of me, always looking for the next exciting distraction, was finally calm. Serene, even. For once, I wasn’t looking for anything other than what was right in front of me. That missing piece had finally snapped into place. I felt whole.
“I’ll explain everything when I can,” Mom said, squeezing my hands. “I promise. But for now, I need you to help me get out of here. We need to stop the dark forces from imprisoning all of San Francisco here in the Otherworld. They have almost everything they need. If I don’t get out soon—”
“Tell me how.” I tried to rally my focus around that single question, brushing aside the million other queries I had.
“In order for me to be free, we need to trap one more dark force in the prison dimension—the place where you encountered those souls who would mislead you—”
“Hold on,” I said, unable to help myself. “Back to my first question: how many freakin’ demon prison dimensions are there?”
“This place is part of that dimension as well,” my mother said, gesturing around her. “The Otherworld’s prison dimension is sectioned off in ways I do not completely understand.”
“You definitely got the nicer digs,” I said, scanning the idyllic golden field. “Okay, so one more dark force: how do I find it?”
“It will be housed in the body of a seemingly regular human—but that person is rotten down to their very core,” Mom said. “You’ll know who it is, my darling. You’ll feel it. And when you find them, take their hand. Compel them to go with you. The rest will come.”
“I need more than that—”
“You don’t,” she said, smiling. “Trust your gut, Bug. I do.”
Warmth washed over me again, and that lovely, soothed feeling pulsed in my chest.
“I’ve missed you so much,” I said, tears filling my eyes again. “I’ve felt so lost, and I’ve done so many things wrong and . . .”
“And now we can make everything right,” she said. She smoothed my hair away from my face.
“Mom—” My voice caught, and a sob clogged my throat. There was so much I wanted to say to her, so much I wanted to—
But before I could finish that thought, the roaring was in my ears again, and I was falling through the air screaming for my mother, and then I was falling on my ass in the middle of It’s Lit, the real world coming back into harsh focus around me.
“No! Goddammit, no!” I screamed. I clawed wildly at the air, my eyes scanning the room, desperately trying to find that telltale blur. I needed to get back there. I needed to talk to Mom some more, I needed—
“Bea!” Evie was at my side, her hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay? God, what happened? Why did you jump into the Otherworld again? Why—”
“I found Mom,” I choked out. “I found her, and now I have to get her back. And once I do that . . . everyone in San Francisco will be safe. From being trapped like she is.”
I looked around again, Evie’s incessant barrage of questions fading to a burble as I took stock of the scene. The unicorns were gone—or at least the ones that were still there had turned back into harmless porcelain. The shop was wrecked, busted furniture and books and other detritus tossed everywhere. The barricade had been raised, and Aveda was moving amongst the distressed Art Jam customers, making sure they were okay. Leah was huddled on the somehow still intact pink velvet couch, cuddling Pancake in her arms.
That part of me that had felt so soothed and comforted and right while I was talking to Mom had shattered. I was twelve years old again, in that hospital waiting room, and Evie was grasping my shoulders, and I was screaming, and my entire world was falling apart. I couldn’t believe Mom had finally been right in front of me, only to be ripped away in an instant. I had to get her back. I had to save the city.
And she’d told me how.
I scrambled to my feet, still ignoring Evie’s insistence that I tell her what was going on.
You’ll know who it is, my darling. You’ll feel it.
I whipped back and forth, scanning the room. I needed someone rotten, someone who had done bad things, a dark force . . .
My eyes landed on the pink couch again, on Leah snuggling Pancake to her chest, murmuring words of comfort in his ear. And on the figure who was now sitting next to her, putting a hand on her shoulder: a beige, blah, thoroughly annoying figure who was moving in on my best friend and was going to hurt her like she’d hurt me . . .
It was as if the rest of the room fell away. My vision narrowed as I shook Evie off and strode forward. Everything around me was nothing more than an inconsequential burble, drowned out by that shattered part inside of me, that part that felt like it would never, ever heal.
I reached the couch and held out my hand to my nemesis, Nicole Yamamoto.
When you find them, take their hand. Compel them to go with you. The rest will come.
I’ll come with you, I thought at her. Wherever you want to go.
“Bebe?” Leah said, but she was lost in the burble, in the pain screaming through my soul.
Nicole turned to me. “I’ll come with you,” she said, her eyes glazing over. “Wherever you want to go.”
As soon as her hand clasped mine, the familiar roaring, that plane landing sound, rose up in my ears and I saw that blurry haze appear in front of me. A stab of triumph pierced my pain. Yes. This was it.
Nicole stood, and I dragged her behind me, focused on the portal. Mom had said to trust my gut and that’s what I’d done. Now I was going to free her from a fucking demon prison and protect everyone else in the city, and finally I’d have accomplished what I was always meant to do—
“Bebe.”
Leah stepped in front of me, Pancake clutched under her arm. Her presence disrupted the about-to-be triumph I was so firmly focused on and forced my mind to hear something other than the pain and determination overwhelming me.
“Lee,” I hissed, my grip tightening on Nicole’s hand. “Get out of my way.”
“No,” she said, planting a hand on one hip and shifting Pancake so he was propped on the other.
“You don’t even know what I’m doing,” I growled. “Look, I’ll explain later—”
“You’re mind-controlling Nikki and . . . and trying to take her somewhere. I don’t know the rest of it exactly, but it has something to do with the Otherworld.”
“What . . .” I shook my head, not wanting to admit how close to right she was. “Since when is it Nikki?!” She just stared back at me, unwavering. “Look,” I continued. “I can’t tell you everything right now, but she has some kind of ‘dark spirit’ thing going on. Mom told me I’d feel it in my gut, and I absolutely one-hundred percent fucking feel it—and that means, yes, I have to take her to the Otherworld, trap her there so she can’t hurt anyone. She’s not a good person. She will hurt you, Lee, and I can’t bear that. You deserve so much more than that, someone who will care for you deeply, someone who won’t stomp all over your heart the first chance she gets. And anyway, this has to happen so the entire city won’t be imprisoned the way Mom is. You have to trust me that this is for the greater good all around. This is part of my code—”
“No, it’s not,” Leah roared, her eyes flashing. Pancake barked in affirmation. “Honestly, Bebe, your code is fucked right now. You’ve been pushing the boundaries of what you know is right ever since your powers started expanding or growing or whatever it is they’ve been doing. You want your mother back so badly, you want to prove yourself as a hero so you won’t feel so broken, and it’s blinded you to what’s right and what’s wrong. If you trap Nikki in the fucking Otherworld, you’ll have crossed every boundary.” She stepped forward and put a hand on my arm. “You say you care about me not being hurt. I care about you not being hurt, too.”
“Then get out of my way,” I said. “Because I’m hurting now more than I’ve ever hurt before. And this—” I gestured to Nicole, who gazed at me with glassy eyes. “—will fix it. It will fix everything.”
“No.” Leah squeezed my arm. “You’ll be sacrificing someone innocent. You say it’s to save all of San Francisco, but it’s actually just for you.”
I shook my head vehemently. “It is to save people. My mother told me this is the only way.”
“Your mother’s wrong,” Leah pressed. “And if you do this, you’ll hurt forever. You’ll never come back from it. I know you.”
Tears pricked my eyes and I tried to retort, but the words clogged in my throat. Push her aside, a vicious little part of my brain hissed. She’ll understand later, just get this done. Get it fucking done and everything will be better.
I squared my shoulders, tightened my grip on Nicole’s hand, and shook Leah off. Then I charged forward, shoving her to the side as gently as I could manage, my eyes glued to the blurry spot in front of me. My body tensed as I geared up to make the leap, to pull Nicole with me, to finally free my mother once and for all—
I leaped through the air.
“No!” I heard Leah scream. Pancake barked, loud and urgent, and I heard him scrabbling around on the floor. My body jerked mid-air, distracted by the sound. It was enough to fuck up my grand leap. I landed unceremoniously on my ass, Nicole falling into a tangled pile with me.
“What?!” I yelped. I scanned the air wildly. The blurry spot was gone. My opening was gone. My way back to my mother was gone.
“Bea.” Evie spun me around, her hands on my shoulders, her eyes wide with confusion. “What the hell is going on? What are you doing?”
I was vaguely aware of Leah helping Nicole up behind me, asking if she was okay.
“I need to get Mom,” I said, my eyes still scanning the air. Where was that damn blurry spot? “I need to . . .”
“I think you need to explain some things to me first,” Evie said, her grip tightening on my shoulders.
“No,” I said, shaking her off. I glowered at her. “I’ll figure this out myself. I’ll save her—and this whole damn city—myself.”
“You’re not going anywhere,” Evie said. Her face had gone from pale to flushed to uncomfortably mottled. Anger sparked in her eyes. “You need to stop throwing whatever tantrum you’re throwing, and tell me what’s going on.”
“Evie!” Aveda strode up to us. Her face was concerned and her voice was smooth and placating. “Let’s all just calm down for a minute. Maybe go back to HQ? Then we can have a nice, civilized discussion—”
“No,” Evie snapped. “Just . . . don’t, Annie. Nate’s trying to manage me enough right now, I don’t need it from you, too.”
“We’re both worried about you,” Aveda said, laying a hand on her arm. “The doctor said you have to watch your blood pressure, both for your sake and for—”
“Doctor?” I interrupted. “What is she talking about, Evie? Are you sick?”
Evie shot Aveda a warning look. A shut up look. A look that made me realize exactly what was going on. It was one of those realizations that dawns in a slow, queasy-making way, then speeds up until it’s a rollercoaster of images smashing together, things that suddenly make so much more sense when you figure out they’re part of the same puzzle.
Evie complaining about “not feeling well” so many times the past few weeks, pushing away her dinner and turning green.
Evie propped up on my pillows when we were doing Mom research, her eyes fluttering closed, barely able to stay awake.
Evie grumbling at Nate while he fussed over her, trying to get her to eat something.
Evie being mysteriously absent from missions, Aveda making weird excuses for her.
Evie actually listening when Aveda barked at her to stay out of the battle fray.
“You’re pregnant,” I said.
She didn’t have to say it out loud. Her face told me everything I needed to know.
“Bea,” she began. “I was going to tell you, I just—”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Don’t explain. Don’t . . . do anything.”
The pain that had been screaming through me quieted to something dull and sickly and sad. My gaze wandered over the room. I saw Leah comforting a dazed-looking Nicole. Aveda stepping forward to comfort Evie—Evie, who felt like she couldn’t share some of the biggest news of her life with me. And no sign of a portal, no way to get Mom back, no way out. I was just standing here in the bookstore, like I’d done so many times before. Being useless. Everyone looking at me like the big fucking disappointment I was.
All of my emotions drained away, like I was deflating on the spot. I felt so empty. For once, I couldn’t even summon a scrap of hope. There was just nothing.
I pushed past Evie and ran.