One thing I used to lament when I was younger, but have come to understand more over time, is this: as you change through your life, your relationships will as well. While you need to build a supportive and nurturing yay-bourhood around you, it is probably going to change in size and composition many times throughout your life for all sorts of reasons. The first few times you drift out of relationships or lose them altogether can be quite jarring and upsetting, but something my mum taught me (one of her many pearls of wisdom) is that some people are only meant to be in your life for a specific time – the same goes for you in their life. Sometimes, a relationship might highlight ways you might not be acting so great and show you what you need to do to grow or change for the better.
There’s a phrase my mum always reminds me of, when reflecting on relationships: ‘Some come into your life for a reason, some just for a season, and some even for a lifetime.’ Once you start to apply this mentality to your friendships and figure out who falls where, change becomes so much easier to navigate and accept. So, while some people who join your village will be a constant throughout your life, others may only be part of a chapter or ‘season’ along your way to yay and that’s absolutely okay. Sometimes the reason someone enters your life isn’t necessarily a warm and fuzzy one either. Very often, a person will come along to teach you a valuable lesson that might not feel so great at the time.
This perspective has helped me many times when cherished or long-term friendships haven’t turned out to be ‘lifers’ because we’ve drifted apart over time or changed in other ways. Similarly, relationships that don’t work out or break your heart can be a highly insightful exercise that help you work out the things you need (or don’t need) for the next love affair to work well. More importantly, though, Mum’s words have helped me navigate those relationships visited upon us in life as ones that we haven’t necessarily sought out or chosen for our yay-bourhood. While we can carefully curate our innermost village, there will always be people you have to interact with throughout your life through work or in social circles where you don’t have as much control or choice in the matter. Bullies or ‘psychological vampires’, for example, might come into your life to instil in you the strength and resilience you will need later in life for something more important. By focusing on what a relationship, even an unpleasant one, taught you, it can be easier to make sense of it. Every relationship has a role to play, it’s for us to decide what that is and how we can learn from it.
The most obvious example of a shift in relationships on my way to yay was the not unpleasant but natural one that followed my complete change of career and lifestyle. Even though I had wonderful relationships with people in the legal profession separate to our working life, my connection with some of them was based primarily on our shared experiences day-to-day. It makes sense that when I moved worlds completely, my village needed to evolve accordingly to reflect that change in season, particularly in terms of my mentors or peers. I needed people to look up to who reflected the different work I would now be doing and to guide me in new areas in which I’d need upskilling. Of course, I’m not suggesting that you should just dump everyone from a former world completely and abruptly to pick up entirely new connections (although for some people, this might be a healthy evolution. I’m simply saying to let relationships shift and evolve as things around you start to change.
For some people, this evolution happens when they move countries or cities and need to form a new village for themselves in their new locale. Any major shift like parenthood, illness or the many other vicissitudes of life that affects your priorities, needs and activity, is probably going to require some moulding of the yay-bourhood. I think many of us spend a lot of time lamenting or worrying about those changes, but coming back to the reason/season/lifetime mentality has always helped me get perspective. Just like we will go through many different chapters in our way to yay, so too will the people we need and are needed by on that journey.
You can’t live a positive life in a negative environment
A more pressing example in the context of seizing your yay is not necessarily these natural evolutions in a village, but rather the occasions that warrant a bit of active ‘culling’ of its members. So far, we’ve been focusing on the wonderful ways people can add depth and value to your journey, and how the support of others can get you over the line when you need that extra push. But, equally, the opposite can often be the case, and people can be the big fat nay in your way to yay. For some of you, the sceptics in your network who are unable to believe in your ability to achieve things outside their realm of understanding may be knocking your ideas down as a result. For others, there may be outright haters in your life who are jealous or resentful of your success. There might also be family members or close friends who aren’t ‘against’ you, but whose belief or value systems mean they don’t necessarily value the industry you want to move into.
'There may be outright haters in your village who are jealous or resentful of your success.'
While we had incredible support from family and friends when first starting Matcha Maiden and Matcha Mylkbar, there were equally people around us who thought I was crazy to leave a respectable, stable career in favour of an ‘Instagram business’. While I didn’t face the strong or aggressive opposition that many people have experienced when making a drastic life change, I did face some vocal scepticism and bewilderment in a way that often triggered me to start doubting or overthinking my decision. In most cases, it wasn’t coming from a negative place at all, but rather a position of concern for my welfare and a desire to warn me against doing something rash or silly. In some cases, however, it did seem the barrage of ‘special comments’ was based on resentment or envy, especially where the person was unhappy in their own lives and unable or unwilling to make a change themselves. Either way, I found in those early days of the transition that I needed to distance myself from those voices until I was resolute enough myself to withstand their questioning or doubts. I’ve always found it so funny how easily we judge and make comments on others as if our opinions are imperative to their lives.
Unfortunately, there will always be people in your circle who aren’t necessarily as on board with your dreams as you are, so it’s so important to build your network so that those individuals can’t negatively impact your mindset or actions. My best advice is not to waste energy trying to change their minds but rather to change the way you manage their comments or opinions internally. There is so much in life that we have no control over, including the decisions others make about the way they behave in relation to you, but there is equally so much we can control about how we let those things affect us and that’s where our energy should be focused. Hateful or negative interactions will naturally always deliver a sting, but, just like with self-doubt, the most important thing is to acknowledge the feeling but learn how not to let it go any further or change any of your actions as a response.
Of course, tuning out negativity is easier said than done but I’ve found a few sayings or principles that help ground me and keep my thoughts on track. There are so many variations on these mantras that I turn to in this area, but I’ll share four of my favourites:
1. If haters bring you down, it only means they are beneath you; every time someone criticises or judges you, it reflects something going on with them and not with you. I’m sure many of you can think of a time where someone has questioned or criticised something you’re doing not because they wouldn’t love to be in your position, but because they aren’t or can’t be and resent that.
2. If you’re doing something that bothers someone enough to spend time and energy on hating rather than on their own stuff, it just means you’re doing something big enough to elicit that. Basically, it’s a sign you’ve made it! I remember the first time we received a negative review for Matcha Maiden that was unduly harsh and levelled at us and our authenticity personally, and I was absolutely devastated. A good friend and mentor wisely reminded me that the only way to avoid displeasing people is to stand for nothing or do nothing different at all.
3. Even if someone isn’t necessarily a ‘hater’ but simply isn’t supportive of what you’re doing, you should never let this dull your sparkle simply because it’s shining in their eyes. Often, people withhold support because you’re defying the limits of what they believe is possible, but it’s not on you to drop back to their level to bring them comfort. I found this among some of my legal colleagues who definitely weren’t nasty or unpleasant at all, but who felt challenged by how well things had gone after I walked away from law and how much fun I seemed to be having while still making a living. They’d avoid asking me or talking about the business at all and, if I was asked, I often found myself playing down how well things were going or what a great time I was having to make it easier. Especially with colleagues with whom I had bonded over complaining about the long hours and lack of freedom, I found it hard to rub it in their faces that I was living such an exciting life with so much control over my time. But I have learned that self-editing for others is not the best strategy and strips you of your joy.
4. (And this one’s my favourite.) Don’t let anyone rent a space in your head unless they’re a good tenant. Like our energy and time, our headspace is finite and there are already too many important things competing up there for space to let something unworthy sneak in and wreak havoc. I’ve definitely been guilty of letting someone’s words or behaviour plague my mind for hours or days, before realising that doesn’t affect anyone but me (and especially not them). If you’re going to let anyone creep into your thoughts, make sure they’re making a happy, uplifting contribution to that precious space of yours or kick them right out.
Sometimes, putting ideas into a practical analogy makes the message much clearer – like that fourth principle. Just as you wouldn’t tolerate a tenant who trashed your place and spread negativity, you shouldn’t tolerate a tenant in your mind who does the same. We are all running our own race and the people who don’t respect you and your race are simply not your people. While I still sometimes want to be everybody’s person, I’ve been much happier since I’ve realised nobody is meant to be, and that’s okay.
The beauty of building boundaries
While I absolutely loved letting go of any type of boundary when I first left the corporate world, I have come back to appreciating that some boundaries are necessary and important in most areas of our life. In the case of curating a positive network around us that will best serve our happiness and success while also limiting any potential negative impact those relationships could have, boundaries can be our strongest tool.
Like many things, this is easier said than done. I still sometimes find myself spiralling in response to negative comments from outsiders or letting other kinds of unpleasant interactions further into my psyche than I should. My podcast, for example, has had overwhelmingly delightful feedback, but a single reviewer recently asked ‘if the host would stop loving her voice so much and shut up for a moment’. This toppled me. Even though it was just one comment among thousands of positive ones, I found myself recoiling in worry and angst for days.
The trick is to learn how to get yourself back on track as soon as you can and find ways to address that negative influence in a way that allows you to avoid it again or limit its impact in the future. I come back to the concept of metacognition and thinking about my own thoughts. I try to observe the negative response I’m having, rationally accept where it has come from, but then consciously push it away before it snowballs into something bigger. Depending on the relationship or situation, putting up some healthy boundaries for next time could be anything from a complete walk away from the relationship to a gentler way of introducing some distance with that person. It took me a very long time to accept that I didn’t need to be friends with everyone forever. Once I understood this, everything started to flourish.
If you’re struggling with relationships that are actively toxic in your life (I’m sure we’ve all experienced at least one, if not several), something I’ve learned is that you don’t always need to salvage them. It’s okay to let those relationships go. These toxic relationships might be old friendships you thought would last a lifetime, but instead your friend has become resentful and sour as you progress. They can be newer friendships that have become toxic or sabotaging for one reason or another. Usually, you can extract a lesson or a ‘reason’ for that person coming into your life. Whatever it may be, a quote that I love in this situation to remind me to stop trying to change myself to please everyone is that, ‘When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.’
Similarly, toxic relationships can form online, too, even if you don’t know the person. This is especially true in the case of online haters who troll people on social media. While it is often tempting to fight back and engage with a troll, sometimes, the most powerful way you can confront their negativity is to block them from your feed altogether. Many of my podcast guests are people in the public eye who have faced haters in a serious way. Rachael Finch’s top tip for avoiding online bullies is to completely ignore them rather than indulge their negative attacks with a response. This is kind of like the blinkering strategy we talked about in chapter 4 in relation to social comparison; this same strategy can be effective with any real-world relationships that leave you feeling threatened, highly anxious or crappy about yourself.
As someone who’s spent some time, thankfully not too much, fielding messages from online trolls, I’ve spent many hours agonising over why anyone would want to spend their life sabotaging another person’s success. There can be many reasons for why other people act in the ways they do, but many times it actually has nothing to do with you at all; it’s about what’s going on with them. I know some people really don’t like hearing that having haters is a compliment because it means you are doing well but, many times, it genuinely is (in a backwards kind of way).
The trick is to put things back in a ‘yay frame’. The simple fact of life is that you can’t be everyone’s kind of person – it’s inevitable that you are going to rub some of the billions of people on Earth the wrong way. Admittedly, this is something my internal people-pleaser is still coming to terms with; it doesn’t sit well with me that I can’t be liked by everyone. But it doesn’t matter what’s going on in the other person’s world; the only thing that really matters is how you react to them and what you do to limit the negative consequences their words or actions have on you.
People have, of course, behaved unpleasantly towards me in some way or another on my way to yay. It’s important to remember that taking reasonable criticism on board and using it as a prompt to improve ourselves is important for growth, but there have definitely been times where the criticism directed at me has crossed the line from constructive or reasonable feedback. I’ve had my authenticity and values as a businessperson attacked and seen this message spread to others in our community. I’ve had very personal intrusions into my life with Nic – people claiming all kinds of things or injecting toxic waves into our relationships just for the fun of it. I’ve also experienced situations that forced me to confront my inability to please everyone or be everyone’s best friend. All of these, however, have helped me develop resilience, patience, empathy and understanding.
I won’t pretend these experiences didn’t cause me to launch into a downward spiral. Naturally, I questioned myself, my stomach clenched with anxiety and I rehashed those moments incessantly to the detriment of all my actual priorities in life. But, in most cases, these moments taught me something valuable for the long run. When I look back on these attacks, they still sting and feel like a shock to the system – after all, we’re not expected to love or welcome these situations into our life. But we can expect to act in ways and implement boundaries that limit the negative impact they can have on our mindset and energy. And, with that in mind …
The clean-out cull
The process of culling (metaphorically speaking, of course) those people in your life who try to sabotage you or make you feel crappy will look different for each person and each relationship. It can feel awkward, difficult and messy to extract a toxic person from your circle, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing for you. Sometimes, there’s a bit of a risk of things blowing up into a fight or it can be a lengthy, painful process to make others accept and respect your boundaries. In other cases, you might not need to actively ‘do’ anything at all. Making an internal, emotional decision to distance yourself from the behaviours of that person might be enough. There are many ways culling can play out, depending on the situation:
• a clear, upfront discussion in person about how you feel;
• the softer ‘phase out’ mentioned above; or
• an all-out walking away and separation to cut that person from your life.
If you feel comfortable with a clear, upfront discussion, as many of you will, that’s always a good way to approach matters in relationships. For better or worse, confrontation is not one of my biggest strengths (to the point where even writing about it here is making me uncomfortable), so if you’re like me you may prefer the gentler ‘phase out’ approach; you don’t owe anyone who is playing a toxic role in your life an explanation.
There may be people in your life who aren’t actively toxic or sabotaging you but who just aren’t supportive of what you’re doing. These might be the situations where you simply distance yourself temporarily while you’re building your dream – whatever that may be, like I did when my corporate friends’ scepticism or worry was proving challenging to my confidence and focus. Sometimes you need certain people in your life for certain situations, and those people may just not be your ‘hustle’ people, which is absolutely fine – you’ve already seen how important it is to make sure you do turn to the right people in the pivotal moment of making a big, scary decision. Reserve these friendships, instead, for the things you do share or enjoy together, and quarantine the parts of your life you have other people for. I have friends in my life who I barely speak to about business because that’s just not the common ground our friendship is based on. It all comes back, again, to setting up the right boundaries for your life wherever you need them most, and then sticking to them.
Family naysayers
One of the most difficult and probably most painful situations to tackle is when the negative influence is a member of your family or a person who you can’t necessarily move on from easily. When I walked away from a sensible, academically focused career, I didn’t have to sidestep any ‘tiger parents’ (being adopted) but I know many friends leaving their jobs for business did. So, fortunately for me, I don’t have any real-life experience of negativity in this area – my family has only ever been fully supportive of the choices we make. They trust that Nic and I consider all the options carefully and that we would cope and learn our lesson if things fail). While my parents did go through a challenging separation, the resulting distance between certain family members was more gradual than an act of putting up barriers. So, I’m not speaking from experience here and understand the best strategy would depend on the unique complexities and nature of each particular family situation.
From the experience of friends, though, and extrapolating from other relationships, I would suggest that if you can’t physically create the distance you need from someone in your family, perhaps you can internally create mental barriers. This can be helpful in family situations where you can’t physically remove yourself in the same way you can from a toxic boss at work. Perhaps you could decide that career is a topic of conversation that you turn to friends or others outside of your family with, instead of bringing it up in a context you know will become heated. Alternatively, you could build a place in your mind to retreat to, which helps you endure the conversations or family environments that otherwise induce stress. Arianna Huffington’s sister, Agapi Stassinopoulos, describes a practical technique called the ‘portable paradise’ in her book Wake Up to the Joy of You that involves building and solidifying your inner tranquil environment so the external environment can’t pull you down. You can also seek external or professional help to navigate the complexity of the situation, which those close to me have had great success with.
When challenges come from family or otherwise, I often find it hard not to wonder why people aren’t all on the same page as I am, or why all relationships don’t just work out between well-intentioned people. As Rodney King said in what has since become a viral meme, ‘Can we all get along?’ But I realise increasingly that with as many different personalities and backgrounds as the world holds, of course we can’t all be compatible with everybody. It is for us, simply, to find those we are compatible with and learn to manage everyone else as best we can.
Having gone through all the situations that warrant distance, sometimes the challenges we face within our relationships are just a matter of figuring out your communication styles. One of the most impactful books I have ever read (I’ve gifted many of my friends and family copies), is a book by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages. It is based on the idea that we all show and receive love in different ways. This is how I think of them:
1. Words of affirmation: saying kind or supportive things and vocalising the way we feel about people or things for their benefit.
2. Acts of service: showing how we feel through our behaviours or gestures towards others, like making a meal for someone or helping them with a task.
3. Giving or receiving gifts: this one’s self-explanatory. A physical and symbolic way to show care.
4. Quality time: setting aside time to be present and give someone your full attention.
5. Physical touch: hugs, massages, cuddles, kisses, etc.
We all adopt a mix of each of these in the way we care for others, and we respond best to a mix of each of them in how others treat us. Some of these styles will be more dominant than others, and, most importantly, they will not necessarily match (or be compatible with your partner’s). Breakdowns of communication that feel like breakdowns in a relationship can simply be the result of not understanding the way each other is trying to show care. This goes for relationships in the business world, too, where love doesn’t come into the equation, but the styles of communication are still actively in play.
This is one of the few books that changed my entire perspective on something that permeates my whole life. It has helped me understand my loved ones and our relationships (as well as, more broadly, our many relationships in business) so much better, and also reminds me that we all express ourselves differently. Nic offering me reasons why I can’t do something or the many ways an idea of mine needs to be fixed isn’t actually him trying to be a buzzkill, it’s his way of showing he cares enough about my idea to help me overcome the practical obstacles before I begin. My friend Samantha has a very blunt way of asking provocative questions about my life that used to put me off-balance. Now, I now understand that this is her way of showing she cares about helping me explore different aspects of things.
One of my favourite ways to show love for my friends is to give (or more often, make) very personalised, thoughtful gifts that relate to specific shared experiences or things that are very unique to that person. However, my preferred expression of receiving love is not receiving gifts, I much prefer words of affirmation (long cards or lovely messages) and acts of service (people showing their appreciation or love through gestures and actions).
Whether you subscribe to these five love languages or not, the important message here is that we all show our feelings differently. Inevitably, there will be people you are so entirely incompatible with that you just can’t find mutual ground. And, on this note, there are a couple more things worth mentioning that have really helped me in my harder interactions with people, both personally and professionally. Time to break out my beloved dot points.
• When things don’t work out particularly well with someone, especially if they are at fault, learn to let it go quickly so you can move on with your yay. According to the famous Buddhist proverb, ‘Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.’ We tend to hold onto things when we are wronged or upset, and we let them fester in our heads – building negativity. Sometimes, without realising it, a person or situation can take up valuable space in your mind and drain energy away from your true goals. The only person you are hurting in that situation is yourself because the other person is entirely unaffected by your internal grudge and resentment. Forgiving someone is powerful not because it means what they did is okay, but because it liberates you from being stuck.
• When someone says no to you, don’t take it as a universal no. It simply means you can’t do it right now or that you can’t do it with them, and there will be someone else out there who will say yes. Again, it’s too easy to let one small situation build up to feel all-encompassing and affect our decisions accordingly. Learning to cope with rejection, big or small, is one of the most valuable skills you can develop because you become resilient. It is so important not to confuse someone’s rejection of your idea or request with a commentary on your personal value or the value of your idea. A ‘no’ is generally a reflection of their circumstances at that moment or their unique opinion, and not everyone’s. Develop the ability to bounce back as quickly as you can so you can find that person out there who is the right one for you and your idea.
• Contrary to what my legal brain might once have told me, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. (It’s hard, though, because I do feel like I’m so good at winning them.) Silence is as powerful a response as any, and it can nip a disagreement in the bud before it snowballs into anything more serious and burdensome. Some people are argumentative and will take up your time and energy with their opinions unless you put up the walls and stop them in their tracks. Even if you are right, always ask yourself if it’s worth giving up your peace to prove that.
• Don’t make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings. Many people can be too quick to react in the heat of the moment when it comes to certain situations or people, but we must always be careful not to let passing feelings have long-term consequences for us. Something I’ve been doing for many years, again at Mum’s encouragement, is writing phantom responses to people when I need to act in a heated moment. I’ve got a very long fuse so you’ll rarely find me angry, but, of course, on occasion I can get triggered by all sorts of things. Though less so now than when I was younger. I find it so cathartic to open a blank email or text and power out the response I’d like to send or text. I go to town, saying everything I’d say if I let my emotions get the better of me, but I leave the recipient space blank. That way, I won’t accidentally press send. Once I’m done, I sit on that draft until I’ve calmed down and seen reason. Later, I’ll come back to it and either give it a more level-headed edit or scrap it altogether. By then, most of my emotions have passed. I’ve got them out of my system, and I haven’t risked saying anything silly or hurtful and suffering the consequences.
• Do what is right, not what is easy. As Gary Vee told me, ‘Doing the right thing is always the right thing.’ Brené Brown often says (and Kemi Nekvapil always reminds me) that ‘Clear is kind’. Sometimes, hard conversations need to be had and being honest is the best and kindest way you can serve someone. Another way I like saying this is that we should say what we think, not what we think we should say. I find conversations absolutely excruciating if they involve any sort of confrontation, but I know that these are the times I need to push through, because it’s the right thing to do. Same goes for actions: sometimes we need to do things that are uncomfortable or challenging because they are the most ethical way forward. Shortcuts will never get you where you want to end up in the long run.
• Finally, and this is one I absolutely love but need constant reminding of: if it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive. I love the way this expression reframes peace and happiness or equilibrium as a currency that we can choose to spend rather than a state of being that we slip into helplessly and have no control over. I’ve let so many things bother me for much longer than they’ve deserved simply because I’ve chosen not to interrupt them in their tracks. Our time is precious and finite, and every minute that something makes us unsettled or unhappy is actively stealing a minute of happiness from us. If something is going to cause you drama or bother you, it’s generally not worth your time. Life is too short and beautiful to be wasted on things that don’t bring you yay.
When you sit and deeply reflect on how different we are and how differently we all express ourselves, it’s a miracle that any of us can get along at all. Relationships can simultaneously be the most energy-consuming, complicated and stressful parts of our lives as well as the most fulfilling, rewarding and nurturing. When you put this down on paper, it all starts to seem a little overwhelming, but I believe most of us have an internal barometer of what’s right and what isn’t. The important thing is that, like everything else in this book, the choices we make aren’t made by default; we are building and nurturing the relationships that provide support, love and yay in both directions.