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There is a lot of negativity that happens in our world. People are upset because it is hard to pay off their bills, they have trouble at home, they aren’t able to go on vacation or get a new promotion at work, and so much more. There are always things that you are able to be negative about, but if you fall into these traps, it is going to make it really hard to improve your emotional intelligence.
The first thing that you will need to focus on in order to get out of your negative emotional patterns is to learn what causes you to feel these negative emotions. Many times people will have stress and anxiety from working too much or worries at home, and this causes them to react with anger when little things don't go their way. Perhaps you are triggered when someone calls you a name because that is something you went through as a child. Many different triggers can make those emotions go all over the place.
The good news is that once you learn what these triggers are, you are able to get them under control. If stress is your biggest trigger, there are techniques that you can use to get the stress under control, and if the stress does get bad at times, you can control your reaction better. No matter what kind of trigger you are dealing with, there are methods to help you control that so your emotions don't start going all over the place.
There are actually many emotional patterns that are easy for humans to fall into and which can make it hard to be in control over their emotions. This chapter will look at some of these emotional patterns so that you can escape them and gain the control that you are looking for.
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Shame
Shame is a tricky thing in life. It is basically the way that your ego will dictate how much you are worth. It will bring up some of your past stories and can make you stay stuck in a place where you are miserable. But it is a quiet emotion that doesn’t speak up all that loud. Rather, it will sit churning in your stomach while making you feel that you just aren’t entitled to being happy. The cure for this shame is to become completely vulnerable and to learn how to be authentic in your gifts and powers.
Jealousy
There are so many forms of jealousy that can happen and they can creep up on you at times when you are least expecting it. Often this monster is going to show up in your life when you expect that something should be yours, but it isn't, or it hasn't happened yet. Expectations, especially ones that are unreasonable, are a huge energy source when it comes to jealousy.
But jealousy is almost a childlike emotion. Often, we set our expectations too high for our current situation, or we just can't seem to be satisfied with what is in our lives no matter how good we have it. We then get upset, just like a child, because we don't get the things that we think we deserve. Many of the negative thoughts and emotions that are out there in the world right now are there due to jealousy and the desire for something that others have.
Regrets
One of the things that can hurt the most for many people is the ache over things that we are not able to fix or hold onto again. These are often going to be memories that we placed on a pedestal or that we romanticized about. The situation or the person may not have been that great at the time, but now that we don’t have that person or thing, we think about all the good things and have regrets about letting it go. It is all about living in the past, but it can make us feel miserable in the present.
Think back to that old partner that you used to have. Both of you made each other miserable, and you broke up after years of fighting. But now that a few years have gone by and you see your friends getting married and having children (and your dating life isn't doing that well), your memories about that partner may start to look better. You may think that they weren't all that bad and regret letting them go because they may have been your only chance at happiness. You may have been miserable with them at the time, but your regrets are making you hold onto the good stuff and feel miserable now.
Resentment
Just like with your regrets, resentment is going to be built up on past events. You may be mad about the way that a situation turned out or how someone treated you, but is it really worth feeling miserable in the present and for a long time into the future. You are not able to return to that point in time, and you will not be able to change the situation or the event. The good news is that you do have the power to make things right now. Sometimes it is as simple as letting go of the feeling, and you will start to notice a change for the better.
Judgment
The next negative pattern that you need to watch out for is judgment. First is self-criticism. This can be really sabotaging to yourself. When you judge someone else on the outside, this is often due to the fact that you fear them because you don't really understand them. This is why judging is often seen as a form of ignorance because you are convincing yourself that you are in control when in reality, your emotions are in control of you.
To avoid judging others, and even judging yourself, you need to take a few steps. You should be willing to stand and detach yourself from the situation and realize that no one will be perfect. Yes, they may be doing things that are different from what you would do, but that is life, and they are living it the best way that they know how. And while you are at this process, make sure you take some time to embrace your own imperfections as well.
Unforgiving to others and yourself
This one is so important! Sometimes we are all ready to get on with the idea of working on emotional intelligence, and we go through and forgive all of those who may have caused us harm in the past. But this is just one step. You also need to spend some time forgiving yourself. Yes, there are times when you have reacted in a way that you may not be proud of, but this does not mean that you should hold onto the guilt and shame for the rest of your life. Learn how to let it go in order to live a life that is much fuller.
One thing that you have to remember is that forgiveness is not for the other person, it is completely for yourself. When you take the time to forgive others for anything that they have done to you in the past, you are opening up some space inside to feel free. Holding onto those unloving emotions like hatred and anger are only harming yourself. So, learn how to let them go.
Depression
There will be some place in your life where you have reached the point of no return. You will pass this point and leave assurance and certainty behind, and the doors and windows will seem shut. The darkness will feel like it is a warm blanket, but it is more of despair than comfortable. You will decide that it feels better to just stay there.
Depression is something that can hit anyone. It doesn't really matter what is going on in your life, your ethnicity, race, age, gender, or even your social status. Anyone and everyone can deal with depression, and it is a really hard place to get out of. It will not listen to rational analysis no matter how much sense that information seems to make.
This is a really hard trap for you to get out of. If you are dealing with depression, you need to get help. You need to refuse to let this emotion hold onto you and bring you into despair. Don't let this one stay with you and start controlling all parts of your life. But this is one you will not be able to handle all on your own. Get someone to help you deal with this negative emotion so that you can move on with your life.
Fear
And finally, there are times when you need to get away from the negative emotion of fear. This is what can hold you captive, even if you are dealing with irrational fear, and it will imprison all the things that we already know are true. When fear comes along, we begin to feel a fight or flight response and to react in a way that we will be proud of later on may seem almost impossible.
No matter what triggers the response of fear, it is up to us to get rid of it. Sometimes you can fix a problem like this by diving into the unknown and facing the fear in one big step. Other times, you may need to take some baby steps to get through all of this.
The only thing you have to keep in mind to make it work is a positive outlook. With a positive outlook, you can make anything happen.
All of us have gotten stuck in these traps at some point in our lives. We may be doing just fine with working on our emotional intelligence, and then something comes up and throws us off. We may feel fear about changes in our job or we may have a hard time forgiving others. As we mentioned before, everyone has some room to improve when it comes to emotional intelligence, and maybe the part you need to work on is found in one of these traps. But when you start working on avoiding these traps, even if you do so in baby steps that take a bit, you will gain more control over your emotions and live a more fulfilling life.
