Trudy looked at me, very upset. She came forward when I asked for a volunteer to do a demonstration of emotional balancing. She suffered from chronic hepatitis and fatigue. She was a school-teacher but had not worked for three years. What came out was that she had been sexually abused by three men, about five years previously. She suffered nightmares a couple of nights a week. The reason she was looking at me, upset, was that I’d told her that, in order to heal, she had to forgive those three men. She said, ‘My hepatitis has nothing to do with those three men abusing me; this is too painful. I do not want to forgive them!’ I told her that I understood how she felt and yet the fact that she did not forgive them was affecting her immune system and liver. I told her, ‘You only have two options right now:
‘Option 1: keep reliving the past over and over again and you will slowly but surely destroy yourself. Not only did they abuse you then. You choose to relive it; your bitterness will totally destroy you. Is it worth it?
‘Option 2: you forgive them and release the past, heal and take your own life back. The choice is yours!’
Trudy finally understood what it was all about, and chose to forgive. We did an extensive forgiveness session. After that she started to cry, and you could see that this was the necessary outcome of holding on to those painful emotions for so long. Her chronic hepatitis completely cleared in the next eight weeks and she went back to work.
In order to move forward and become the creators of our lives, we need to let go of the past and forgive everyone who we think has hurt us. We also need to forgive ourselves.
I have worked with forgiveness as part of my therapy for the last 20 years, with amazing results.
My rule about forgiveness is: you can never forgive too much.
Being unable or unwilling to forgive is the biggest silent killer in our Western civilized world. It can cause heart disease, cancer and weakening of the immune system; these three combined account for the majority of premature deaths. You want to become a Master in forgiving and learn how this can literally set you free from the past. The past is over and no longer changeable. What we can do is change how we feel and think about the past. We keep punishing ourselves in the present by not letting go of our resentments, guilt, criticism, hurt and fears from the past.
I strongly believe that we choose where, when and how we will incarnate. In my imagination I see the following happening before we reincarnate: we do a search to find the best parents, culture, country and genetics to serve our spiritual growth. When the perfect match has been found, we wait for our turn to incarnate. We even choose our date of birth to take advantage of the astrological forces that will have an effect on our lives. Maybe you think this is too far-fetched, but I do not believe so. I think we all choose the perfect parents for us to learn certain lessons which will enable us to grow spiritually. That is why some of us have chosen parents who fight all the time or are too busy to care for us or who are addicted to alcohol and cigarettes. This is all part of our karmic pattern, including also our gender, ethnic background, culture, family miasmas, country and religion. Our goal is to transcend all of that and discover that we cannot blame our parents for being who they are. We have chosen them exactly for those reasons. They are perfect for what we want to accomplish. We wanted them because they are imperfect and would treat us badly or not love us, abuse us or be any way they have been. For some reason we’ve needed all of this to achieve our spiritual goals. Sadly enough, we forget all of this and, when we are all grown up, we accuse them of not being perfect. We want to believe in fairy tales, and a part of us wants everything to be perfect, and that means that we really want no discomfort in any shape or form. That is impossible; if we want to grow and learn, we need to let go of the past and take control of the present moment. To do that, we need to look at our patterns, the situations we keep creating over and over. What are we looking for that we are not getting? The basic needs that we want from our parents, to feel loved, are:
When we do not get this from our parents, we will look elsewhere. It may be in sport (respect, admiration, acceptance, recognition, encouragement). It may be in school, in relationships, marriage, friendships or at work. Most of us will do a lot to get what we want or need – take some time to look at these 12 basic needs and seek the ones that resonate strongly with you. What do you do to get them?
I learned from a friend, Fiona Brouwer, a relationship counsellor who uses this in all of her sessions, to give what you need abundantly to others and to yourself. When you are in balance your needs will be negligible. And the first thing to do is to forgive our parents for all the misconceptions we’ve had about them. Our parents have been instrumental in how we are now, and the time has come to take over and create the image of ourselves that we really want.
A lot of parents blame their children for their problems or for not being there for them after all they have done for them. Don’t buy into that crap and don’t accept guilt, shame or any of that. Your parents have to develop spiritually as well, but it is their choice if they don’t. You cannot carry their bitterness, resentment, guilt and fear for them; they have to learn to be at peace with themselves. Send them love and help where you can, and let go of any negative feelings imposed on you!
Many of us have been hurt by others. Your spouse has left you for another, your mother was too busy to care for you, your father was very strict and told you many times you are worthless. Some people have experienced rape, incest or violence. There are many ways to be hurt. A loved one killed by a drunk driver or shot by a thief can seem a particularly senseless tragedy. Such events can fill us with bitterness, resentment and feelings of hatred or revenge. You keep on thinking Why? You cannot accept the idea that this has happened. Forgiveness is the solution to healing the heart, finding inner peace and letting go of all emotional wounds. For many people it is not easy to forgive; the concept is alien to them. They want justice, and see forgiveness as letting the other person off the hook. You will understand by now that by not forgiving you are trapping yourself in a never-ending past, losing tremendous quantities of life-force in the process.
Over the years I have been asked many questions about forgiveness:
These and more questions are asked over and over again, and they are not always easy to answer. The idea of forgiving someone who has hurt you can be very controversial and at times confusing, so let’s take a look at what forgiveness really is and why we fight it so much. We will also look at the energetic blocks we cause by not forgiving. We will discuss forgiving yourself, God and others. After you forgive, the healing can start; we will also look at how you can speed up this healing with the 14 gateways. We will discuss the difference between mental forgiveness and forgiveness from the bottom of your heart.
First of all we need to understand that we are part of a whole, and that nothing happens independently of that whole. What happens to each of us is part of our collective consciousness. We create our own reality – every second of it. This is the first concept we need to accept in order to understand why certain things happen to us. The term ‘collective consciousness’ comes from the sociologist Emile Durkheim; Edgar Cayce introduced us to the notion of Akashic records, and Rupert Sheldrake talks about the morphogenetic field. We, all of us, influence and form these collective fields by our thoughts, actions – and our ability to forgive. By our acts of compassion and our willingness to transcend our own creations, we shape this consciousness. The resonating effect of many small acts of love and compassion fortifies the forces that transform the world. We are an integral part of changing the world’s consciousness by our deeds, thoughts and feelings. We have the karmic choice to feed the collective consciousness with the energy of resentment, fear, bitterness, frustration and so on, or with the healing energy of love, forgiveness, joy and compassion. The choice is really yours: either you will choose to create a better world or to continue the negative energies that caused you pain in the first place. In short, it does not matter if your intention is to transform yourself or the world; the two are intertwined. This power is ours; everybody has it, no exceptions. The question is whether you are ready, willing and able to take responsibility for playing your part or if you will cling to the idea, ‘What does it matter what I do? I am just one person.’ So, rather than feed that disempowering thought, focus on the process of transforming yourself and, in doing that, help to change the world with your intention and consciousness.
The first step is to look more closely at the concept of forgiveness.
CASE STUDY
Hal was a Vietnam veteran and he was also an alcoholic. He had inherited quite a fortune and could permit himself all the luxury he wanted. The thing he wanted most was inner peace. This case study took place when I was on holiday in Hawaii and having a good time. I was muscle-testing a man in his early forties because he wanted to lose weight. As we were working, Hal passed by and asked, ‘What are you guys doing?’ It was indeed kind of strange to see two grown-ups playing with each other’s hands on the beach. I explained to him the concept of muscle-testing and how I was making this other fellow congruent with letting go of his cravings for chocolate. Hal got interested and asked me if I had ever worked with war veterans. I said yes, and that in general the results were very good. He asked me to test him and I agreed to see him later. After half an hour we met and he told me his story. The thing that he could not let go of was an incident in which he came eye to eye with a Vietcong officer. Both pulled their guns simultaneously. Hal’s shot got the other man in the chest and the Vietcong officer’s shot missed him. Every night this event happened over and over again in his dreams. He could not get rid of the look in the eyes of his opponent as he was shot in the heart and died.
I tested Hal and the only emotion that came up was that he was unforgiving toward himself. We did a forgiveness session together and he forgave himself for taking a life to save his own. Hal cried silently for 10 minutes and felt a tremendous relief. After that session Hal had no more nightmares and stopped drinking, cold turkey. I helped him in rehab and with the physical symptoms that go with that, and two days later he was completely changed. This is another example of the healing power of forgiveness.
In order to forgive, it is important that we be completely honest with ourselves. If we are in denial, forgiveness will not work. Thoughts are the emotions translated into incentives to act. Thoughts lead to actions, choices, decisions. Emotional honesty is about taking your responsibility and not hiding behind excuses. You cannot truly forgive if you have not faced events fully. If you fail to acknowledge your feelings, you are failing to forgive. We have to come to terms with how deeply we have been hurt. We need to understand that only by our ability to love can we heal ourselves, and especially when a painful event makes no sense to us whatsoever. If you accept that the goal of this journey we call life is our spiritual evolution, why shouldn’t we forgive? By not forgiving you are hurting only yourself. Maybe you have even created situations so you can take a big step toward your spiritual awareness.
We also need to face the emotions that will stop us from forgiving, that keep us shackled to the past and are the cause of many of our ailments. The mind will give us plenty of reasons to stay unforgiving. We want revenge and justice; we keep holding on to our bitterness as a warning to keep our focus on preventing something similar ever happening again. Sometimes we want time for the pain to lessen and then it will be easier to forgive. Do not be fooled by this one. It can take years and years before we even come close to forgiveness, especially when we have experienced rape, incest or the death of a loved one. We are giving our health away by waiting for forgiveness; when you get a cancer diagnosis or have a heart attack it is too late, the damage is done.
Forgiveness should not be a ‘comfortable’ act; it can be very painful. It is about coming out of denial. We deny the fact that we are the only one who is damaged by holding on to the past. We deny the fact that we need to forgive in order to get on with our lives. Embracing forgiveness is the best thing you can ever do for yourself.
Resentment, hostility, anger, revenge, bitterness, frustration and being unforgiving are very detrimental to our health. They primarily affect the liver and, secondarily, the heart and thymus (immune system). By holding on to these emotions we slowly but surely undermine our health and mental state. Precious life-force is lost. By forgiving we assume responsibility and let go of wanting revenge. What we are doing is letting go on the physical and energetic plane, and giving our pain to the highest source. Only by letting go can we be healed emotionally.
We need to differentiate, however, between forgiveness from the mind and forgiveness from the heart. Forgiveness from the mind is when we understand on an intellectual level that it is better to forgive. It is the right thing to do. So we ‘forgive’ by suppressing our true feelings. This is even worse than not forgiving, because we may be led to believe that we have forgiven, while in reality we have not. I have encountered this many times. This is in the same category as denial. Heartfelt forgiveness is when we accept our responsibility for creating our own hurt, and we accept that the other person was just a part of it. We can actually thank him or her for the lesson and wish the other person well by connecting to the universal love we have deep in our hearts. We must still deal with the emotions that may arise, especially if we meet this person again; we may feel pain and all kinds of emotions, which will feel even worse if he or she doesn’t show remorse.
Remember: forgiveness is not about the other person; it is only about you!
There are many misconceptions about forgiveness. Some people think they have to tell the person who has offended them that they have been forgiven; this is not necessary. You can forgive and never raise the issue, unless you think you can influence an ongoing behaviour and offer some insights that may help the other person change. But that is only if you feel up to it (see page 210 for advice on how to do this effectively, without being confrontational).
Other people say that by forgiving someone you are acknowledging that you were in the wrong. This is not the case. By forgiving someone we are releasing negative energy. Forgiving someone does not mean that you feel the destructive behaviour was OK, or that the person did not know what she was doing. And you don’t have to forget what happened; we are here to learn our lessons and thus become better at creating what serves us. Once the emotional charge is gone from the incident, we can let go of it while keeping hold of the insights. Forgiveness does not mean we have to go back and pretend nothing happened. We don’t have to stay in a dysfunctional relationship, nor do we have to try and restore a broken one. Reconciliation may be a possibility but only if it feels right for you.
Some people believe they should blame instead of forgiving. Blaming your parents will only destroy you, and you will not profit from the healing that comes from releasing your emotional bondage. Your parents had only one duty, and that was to look after you until you were old enough to look after yourself. Once you were able to take care of yourself, their duty was finished and your spiritual journey began. The first step is realizing that they were exactly as you wanted them to be; now you can support their growth by loving them as they are without any blaming or finger-pointing.
You can choose how you feel about the past and change its meaning. How would you feel if your children blamed you for everything that did not work in their lives? Blaming has not helped anyone yet. Blaming is another way to stay stuck in the past.
Forgiveness is not easy; anyone who says it is easy may be a master of intellectual forgiveness, but forgiving from the heart entails much more. Forgiveness is a decision and does not require a process; it should be instantaneous and from the heart, because we understand the workings of the universe. The sooner we focus on forgiving, the easier it becomes to do. By forgiving we immediately go along the path to emotional healing. We do not need to know all the facts in order to be able to forgive – they are not important. The only thing that is important is our willingness to forgive and release the emotional chains to the past. It is like releasing a hostage: you!
Not having forgiven is unfinished business that has an effect on your energy fields. It creates a disharmonic resonance that may lead to attracting more of the same. Chronic grief often comes out of feelings of loss, of not being able to let go of something we should let go of. Our intention with forgiveness is to finish something we have not finished without disregarding our own self. We need patience to finish the process of emotional healing. Forgiveness is a choice, and choice is karma. By forgiving we are also releasing negative karma. We let go of bitterness, grief, frustration, anger and other harmful emotions. Therefore forgiveness causes inner calm and peace. Forgiveness has nothing to do with justice or getting satisfaction because the offender is punished. Forgiveness is an act of mercy and trust in the laws of the universe. It is not for us to judge and punish. We actually relinquish our rights for the pain we suffered. That is why it is so difficult. Forgiveness starts with you being willing to take that decision to release the offender from what he or she has done to you. Forgiveness is releasing your hostages and prisoners, finishing the unfinished business, cleaning up your energy field and breaking karmic chains from the past.
We live in a society where many people are out only to satisfy their own needs. They even take what is not theirs and may inflict a lot of pain in that process. Sometimes they have the conscious intention to cause others pain or harm, whereas sometimes you are an innocent bystander who got caught in the crossfire. Others are not always aware of what they are doing and how their actions affect other people. Some are repeat offenders and will go on with their destructive behaviour until they are caught. Many you may never see again; some you may have to face on a regular basis. Some will repent and ask for forgiveness, while most won’t. Does this make it any easier? The answer is: it does not matter at all. It is not for you to change their lives; you have to deal with one person and that’s you. We could forgive them all – those we know and those we don’t know. We could forgive the ones who did something horrible and the ones who hurt our feelings by making negative remarks. We could forgive those who show remorse and those who don’t. The truth is that every second we live without finishing this process, we are hurting ourselves. How long do you want to wait?
Even if someone keeps offending you, you have to forgive them. Also, you can work on yourself until their actions no longer affect you emotionally.
If you want to become good at healing yourself, you have to learn to forgive immediately. Every day many things happen at which we can take offence; as soon as you notice that, learn to forgive and let go. The better you get at this, the less you’ll end up with unfinished business and the less toxic build-up you’ll create. Do not avoid the offender; this person is there to teach you about inner peace, love and forgiveness until you can feel good no matter what he says. You are now ready to move on. No offence is too big to be forgiven. And the offence is not even the issue when we are forgiving. The bigger the pain, the more motivated we should be to let go. Even those events that are so devastating that they seem almost impossible to forgive should be forgiven.
Just remember: you cannot forgive too much; you cannot forgive enough!
It does not matter how many times we have been insulted, offended, humiliated or abused; we must forgive even the worst of the worst to be set free. This is the essence of healing. It is never easy or uncomplicated, but we have a choice and by choosing forgiveness we are utilizing the Source of love within us that resembles the grace and mercy of God. Each time we forgive we are climbing another rung on our ladder of spiritual evolution. When we become good at this, fewer things will hurt us because we will start understanding the workings of the reality we help to create.
Many people ask how to forgive, how actually to execute their decision to forgive. This is in truth the easiest part, and there are no set rules for how to do it. I will discuss here how I coach people to do it and what else we can do to let the healing take place.
The first thing is that forgiveness can be done anywhere; you don’t need to go to any special place or confront anyone. It is something you do in the privacy of your own home. Some people you will forgive may already have died, others you may not even know the names of. Even if the person is available, you don’t have to go to her and say, ‘I have forgiven you!’ Some offenders may not even be aware that they have hurt you. It is not your task to judge them; leave that up to God and the laws of the universe. That does not mean that if a person’s behaviour is a source of irritation, you cannot confront him in a loving way and ask him to change it. But once you do, it is up to the person whether to change or not; your job is done.
Forgiveness is a spiritual act which brings you closer to God (whatever God is for you) and will start the healing process immediately. It is between you and your highest consciousness, which is part of all, which is God. The only eyewitness you will need is God. There is no need to tell anyone, especially not if you don’t want to show off your goodness. If the subject comes up, you can always talk about it. You can talk to someone when you are in the healing process that takes place after you have forgiven. More important is to forgive and leave the details to the universe. You are done; you are clean. You have restored your power and have tapped into your unconditional love.
For me, God is the personification of grace. The philosophy of reincarnation is appealing because it is a confirmation of God’s love, mercy and fairness. It helps us to understand that every incident has its purpose; children starving in Bangladesh, deaths due to accidents, wars, cancer and other preventable diseases. God is not to blame; we create all of this and, because of our free choice, we get what we create. Due to the laws of karma, the philosophy of reincarnation becomes the force of justice that cannot be bent. By creating harmony in our lives and those around us, we are harmonizing with unconditional love. By choosing to forgive we are also choosing grace. We allow more magic into our hearts.
FORGIVENESS SESSION
When you forgive it is always good to connect to the Source of unconditional love, to feel God’s love for all creation, and then be able to release the pain in that loving moment. So, the best thing to do is to find a quiet place where you have privacy and can take a moment for yourself without being interrupted. You can sit in your car, your bedroom, take a walk or find a quiet place. Then, what I normally recommend is to sit comfortably or to lie on your back and put both hands on your heart. Breathe in and out slowly and relax completely. Focus on your heart and connect your heart with the unconditional love around you; feel the energy of love go through your body. Think about all the things written in this and the previous chapter: that we choose our parents to assist our growth and that we are creating, moment by moment, our lives. This painful incident, too, has been created for us to confront. What lessons have you learned? Maybe it is just the fact that you should forgive even if every cell in your body does not think it is fair. Send your love to the person who hurt you and forgive him or her. Also come to terms with the fact that you will not seek revenge or fight back, but use that energy to heal your heart instead. Then, in your mind, destroy the record of wrongs done to you and add to your list of lessons learned.
With emotional balancing we proceed to the next step and now work on the energy of the meridians in our body. First, treat the liver energy; this is where our anger, resentment, frustration and guilt are locked away. Massage or treat this point while saying, ‘I deeply love and accept myself with my anger [or resentment, or feelings of revenge] toward [the offender].’ Repeat this at least three times or until you feel calm and peaceful and it is not stressful to visualize or think of this person (the liver point is on the right side, halfway up the arc of your ribcage). Then you move to the kidney points (located next to the breastbone, under the clavicles), which deal with fear. If we do not deal with our fears, we may project the incident and recreate something similar in future. While massaging the two kidney points, say, ‘I deeply love and accept myself with my fears that something like this might happen again!’ Again, repeat this at least three times or until you feel totally comfortable and peaceful inside. Then, for the last part of this forgiveness session, massage the points of the heart, next to the cuticle on the inside of both little fingers. Massage or treat these alternately, again a minimum of three or so times until you feel completely peaceful. The affirmation is: ‘I deeply love and forgive myself for creating this incident and I forgive [the offender] for being part of this and I let go of this, now and forever!’
That is the whole forgiveness session: we deal with our anger/resentment, our fears of this happening again, and then we forgive ourselves and the offender for what has occurred. If you have also felt angry toward God, you can add the following affirmation (while treating the heart points): ‘I deeply love and forgive myself for blaming God for this incident; please forgive me, God, for my ignorance!’
This forgiveness session has helped thousands of people to initiate their healing, and I have seen many chronic diseases get much better or heal completely once a person is ready, able and willing to let go of the past.
So... are you ready? Is there anyone you want to forgive now? Including yourself? You can start now; make a list of all the people or incidents that have caused you pain. There is no better time than now!
So, you have done the only right thing, confronted yourself and have forgiven everyone who needed to be forgiven, including yourself. It should be over and you can get on with your life, right?
In many instances this will be an illusion. Your decision and act of forgiveness may be attacked, ridiculed by others. Your subconscious mind may also protest and create doubt in you. Your thoughts may not be in line with your deed and you may feel bad about it. This is normal; after forgiveness the real healing starts – and it may not be a smooth ride. So, be prepared for the face-off. If you have not forgiven your own mistakes and failures, you keep a space open for self-condemnation. Many people carry guilt around with them; guilt because their children have not turned out to be exemplary citizens, guilt due to divorce, guilt because they’ve been involved in a car accident that injured others badly, guilt because they were a bad example to their children, guilt because they’ve made many mistakes. There are so many reasons to feel guilty! Maybe you blame yourself for a broken marriage or a lost loved one. Some of these things may have genuinely been your fault: if you had paid a little bit more attention, if you hadn’t had that drink, or fallen asleep and so on. Please make a list of the things you blame yourself for, because these should be addressed as soon as possible.
Many of us feel inadequate because we cannot live up to our own expectations. We have given up on our dreams and have accepted our limitations. But we still blame ourselves. Our self-image is completely distorted and not close to reality. We try to fit in and the ongoing barrage of beautiful bodies on TV and in advertisements does not help much. We buy into those illusions and try to keep up with a battle that most of us will lose. Take a moment now and do a forgiveness session on yourself and become more comfortable with who you are, the good and the bad. Accept and love yourself deeply; you deserve it and you’ve earned peace of mind.
Some of you may still not be open to forgiving someone because you feel what happened was beyond all reason. You feel it was just too much, too cold-blooded, too calculated – this person deserves to be punished and put away for good! If you choose to hold on to the incident, you are choosing to relive it over and over again. In other words: there is a part of you that must be masochistic and enjoys pain. That is the only reason for you to hold on at this point, knowing that through forgiveness you would heal yourself, knowing that forgiveness does not say anything about the other, but everything about you. You choose to continue on the path of pain and self-destruction. Fair enough; everyone has the right to make his own choices. But know this: you choose spiritual darkness instead of spiritual enlightenment when you choose not to forgive. No matter how painful, we can always forgive. Millions have forgiven the worst offences, and so can you!
After forgiveness we embark on the path of healing and harmony. We may still be shaken, but we are determined to heal ourselves and put all this behind us. Once in a while we will have to struggle to maintain our choice of forgiveness, but that is the only way to tap into the healing energy of love. By not forgiving we constrict our hearts and diminish our connection with our deepest spiritual level.
You may need some time for the healing to complete its course; until then it is best to keep on working on the negative painful emotions. Visualize yourself meeting the offender and feel completely calm and loving. With the techniques in Part II, you can eliminate any remaining pain. It is important not to try to avoid confrontation at all costs; that may be a form of denial. Keep your focus on your objective to let go of all the past pain. Also, do not retaliate by ignoring the other person or treating him or her harshly. See it as part of your healing journey and a way to test yourself to check if the healing is complete. It is normal to experience inner turbulence. That is your compass. Expect to have some painful moments, and take time to think about how you will deal with them in advance.
Start today with forgiving at least three people a day until you have cleared your list completely. After each forgiveness session, visualize this person and check how you feel. If you still feel some emotion or resentment, you are not done.
Repeat this process for seven days in a row until you feel neutral or comfortable when thinking about this person or situation.
Forgiveness is only done completely if you can wish for them what you wish for yourself: that they may find peace and happiness in their lives.
No matter how severe or cruel the incident was, the meaning we give it is the consequence of our inner thoughts and our past experiences. Your thinking creates the feelings and you accept those feelings as true and real. If you change your thoughts, the feelings will change as well.
Remember, the past only has power over you if you give it that power. If you choose again to live in the now, you release yourself from the past. We can start all over without the pain or stress. We choose even our thoughts, and we can choose to have other thoughts. That is the incredible power bestowed upon us. You can be strong and reject all thoughts that sap your life-force; you don’t have to settle. Let go of self-hatred, resentment, guilt and blame; these are very negative. By focusing on the thought as it occurs, we can prevent ourselves from ending up in a negative self-defeating spiral.
By changing your thoughts, you tap into the powerful healing energy we all have in our bodies and can feel loving energy flowing through you. Every thought in your mind should be checked to see if it fits into your new pattern and spiritual path. Observe how you think and judge, and alter negative thoughts immediately. Do not expect instant change, however; be prepared for battle and, by keeping your attention on balancing your emotions, you will triumph sooner than you think.
It is sometimes good to share your pain with others as long as you do not get into ‘victim mode’. By choosing to be a victim you block your growth and your healing. This is what Carolyne Myss calls woundology: using our emotional wounds to get attention and care from others. This will keep you captive. It is best to maintain a non-judgemental attitude toward your offender, an attitude of understanding and a willingness to see the pain that has led to his or her behaviour. Place value on the people who hurt you, find something in them that is positive and see them as people struggling on their own spiritual path. Refuse to fight and find love in your heart. It is a good idea to pray for them and send them love every day; this can help to transform the world. Every prayer goes to the collective consciousness and helps to promote global healing. When you do this you will notice that your emotional pain begins to diminish and, sooner or later, it will be completely gone. Then you can ask yourself if it is necessary to confront your offender. It is only worthwhile if you can operate from a place of love and inner peace. It can also be useful if this can lead to a change of the offensive behaviour. Speak the truth in love without placing blame, and explain exactly what is offensive in the other person’s behaviour. Your motives must be pure otherwise you are just fooling yourself and are actually seeking some sort of vengeance.
If possible, check with others if they have had the same experience, but do not hide behind them; speak only for yourself. In some cases, if innocent lives are in danger, you may seek to contact the appropriate authorities to deal with the situation. Sometimes it is wiser not to confront someone if you know it is useless or may even make matters worse. Sometimes it is not up to you to do the confronting, and at other times you may not have all the facts. Think before the confrontation about the best way to go about this. You have to be ready, your wounds healed, your heart at peace. Sometimes it is best to ask the other person for forgiveness first, say for something that he or she might have taken as offensive. In this way you open the door more easily for the other person to address his or her own behaviour. You must also be willing to open your heart and show the other you really care and you are not out for revenge. Being sensitive to his or her circumstances and pain makes this easier. Also, think of safety first: if the offender has a quick temper and an inclination toward violence, you may prefer to speak to him or her at a distance, by ringing, writing a letter or email, or meeting up in a public place. You don’t want to endanger yourself. Sometimes it is not practical to meet the person, due to distance or because it may just be too painful.
If you choose to write a letter, make sure to give it some careful thought. You may need to rewrite it a few times to find the best approach. Write from love, not from your pain. Read the letter back a few times: does it express your love, and have you also asked for forgiveness for the mistakes you made yourself? Remember to focus on love and the positive lessons you have learned from all of this.
The whole purpose of forgiveness is to initiate your own healing process, to allow you to get back to your spiritual path. Forgiveness is one of the spiritual exercises that can demand a lot from us. We need to practise until we become good at it. The better at it you become, the more you will notice that no one can really hurt you. You can allow someone to hurt you, but that is up to you. Your spirit is untouchable. Your body can be abused, but your spirit can rise above all. Once this is clear, it is easy to forgive. You will also start noticing how many people are unaware of the pain they inflict on others. You will see other people who are in severe pain themselves and want to hurt others because it is not fair that they have all this pain. So, you will start seeing people in a way you have not seen them before. People will try to hurt you because they feel that you have hurt them. It may be something simple like not giving them attention. It may be jealousy; maybe you spend more time with someone else. I have seen it all. People behave impulsively without thinking, even the people you expect to be more in tune, because they are ‘spiritual’. The best attitude is not to expect anything, so you cannot be disappointed. Accept everyone just as they are, with all the good but also the bad. Do not try to change anyone, except yourself. Become a master of forgiveness, because then you tap into the universal love.
Write down the names of people with whom you have unfinished business, and also write down the steps you will take to resolve this unfinished karma and a date when you will take the necessary actions. Check this list weekly until all is done.