Trust Your Journey
Few things make us feel worse than the inability to be happy for other people. Envy makes us feel “less than” and bitter, and it sets us up to approach life and other people from a place of lack and fear. We think that maybe there isn’t enough for us. If we go through the world comparing and contrasting our experiences with everyone else’s, we’re always going to be miserable. Life isn’t a competition, and no one else can take your place in the sun. You will recall that aparigraha is the fifth yama, and it means “non-hoarding” or “non-possessiveness.”
Not long ago, I made it onto one of those “lists.” You know the ones, right? This one happened to be “100 Women to Watch in Wellness.” I was happy to make the list. I mean, of course that feels good. But I’ve also been at this rodeo long enough to understand what goes into the decision-making process when a company, brand, or sponsor asks you to be part of something they’re doing. When a magazine puts out a list of the “50 Most Important People in the World,” for example, the publishers are going to choose fifty people who each have a very large audience, because they want to sell a lot of magazines.
If you have a large audience, it’s probably because you’re doing something of interest, so I’m not trying to take away all the legitimacy. I’m just saying it’s important to understand what goes into these lists, and to be aware that they feed a part of us that is incredibly weakening.
A few years ago, LinkedIn fed on that very weakness. Twenty million users received emails saying their profiles were in the top 1 percent, 5 percent, or 10 percent of the most viewed profiles, and they even sent a ready-made Tweet so users could let all their friends know. Read: users could promote LinkedIn.
As it happens, a close friend of mine was not on this particular list. And here’s the thing. There have been tons of lists I wasn’t on, festivals at which I wasn’t invited to teach, and projects I would have loved to be a part of. I’ve been on both sides of this equation. I know it feels crappy when it seems like everyone else got invited to the party and you didn’t.
So my friend felt bad, even though her rational mind understood it was just a list and no one would remember by the end of the day. She also knew that next week there’d be a different list, and she’d be on it and I wouldn’t. We’ve been trained to worry about this stuff, though.
We’re taught to value ourselves and our own experience by looking around and seeing how others are doing. This is known as “survival of the fittest,” even though Darwin talked about adaptability and love a lot more than he spoke of competition. No matter—that was our takeaway from long ago, and it stuck.
Aparigraha, the fifth yama, is usually described as “non-hoarding” or “non-grasping.” We aren’t trying to accumulate more and more or be like that person over there. We aren’t envious, because we aren’t afraid that we aren’t enough. We have confidence in ourselves, in our own particular gifts, and in the gift of this life. We trust our process. We’re definitely not worrying about being on the list of the day!
The more you buy into that stuff, the further you travel from your true center. If you start to take lists seriously or buy into your own hype, if you start to value yourself because other people say you’re wonderful or beautiful or inspiring, then you’re really in trouble, because now your validation is coming from the outside. And what happens when you don’t make that list or your beauty fades? Then what do you have?
I think this is an area where social media can be problematic, because most people don’t post status updates when they’re feeling down or insecure. People tend to present the happy side of things. If you’re feeling vulnerable or you’re going through a challenging time, it can seem like everyone else is having this wonderful life and you’re the only one who’s suffering or struggling.
Then you go to Instagram, and everyone appears to have this life like something out of a magazine. Or you get on Twitter, and one of your friends has managed to say something really witty in under 140 characters, and you’re having a day when your brain is in a fog and you’re walking around the house in circles, looking for things you can’t remember by the time you walk into the next room.
Maybe your best friend or your little sister has already found the love of her life, and you can’t find a guy you want to go out with more than once. Or your brother just got a promotion, and you’re still unemployed, trying to figure it all out. The answers are never outside, and they do not come in the form of lists or shiny new toys or compliments. The answers are personal to you, and they usually require some digging. Envy is depleting, and you need energy to dig, so it can be a vicious cycle. Jealousy leads to gossip, bitterness, and self-righteousness; it’s not a feeling you want to feed.
No one else is going to steal your sunlight. No one else has your particular gifts, experiences, memories, or ideas. You can let other people inspire you to dig deep and become the best possible version of yourself. You can develop friendships with people who lift you up and make you feel you can do anything. In fact, I’d encourage you to do that.
I wouldn’t spend time worrying about how you’re doing compared to the people around you, because it’s irrelevant. We each have our own journey and our own place in the sun. We are all on the list that matters.
Journal Exercise
Make a list of everything you want. Don’t hold back at all. When you’re done, go back and ask yourself why you want each thing on your list.
For example, let’s say one of the things on your list is to “lose ten pounds.” Why do you want to do that? Is it because you haven’t been treating your body well and you think you’d like to make a shift? Or is it because you think you’ll look better and it will be easier to attract a partner? In other words, do you want to lose weight as an expression of loving yourself well, or are you looking for love?
If you want to “make a lot of money,” why is that? Do you want to travel or to buy a house or a new car or new clothes? Be specific. Then ask yourself why you want that specific thing or event. Do you want the new car or house because you think it will make you more likable? If you aren’t happy with what you’ve got right now, why would having more make you happier?
What you’ll probably find is that underneath anything you want is the desire to be happy, to be at peace, to feel loved. Take some time and see if this proves to be the case for you.
Yoga Exercise: Series A and Bridge Pose
Stand in mountain pose and connect to your breath. When you’re ready, do Series A five times (see Chapter 5), then come onto your back. We’re going to explore bridge pose.
Backbends are great for cultivating confidence ( leading with your heart), which is why they’re known as “heart openers.” The more you trust in your own process and listen to your heart, the less you’ll worry about how you’re doing compared to other people. Set yourself up so your knees are bent and your feet are hip-width apart. Reach down and graze the backs of your heels with your fingertips, and if you can’t reach your heels, walk your feet closer to your butt. Make sure your toes are pointed straight forward.
On an inhale, lift your hips off the floor and clasp your hands underneath your back. Rock to the right and left, tucking your shoulder blades underneath you. If the shoulders are tight, clasp the outer edges of your mat instead, with the thumbs on top and fingers underneath, and work as though you’re trying to pull your mat apart. Either way, fire up your legs like you want to stand on them, and see if you can relax your glutes a little when you do that. Lengthen your tailbone forward, and spin your inner thighs toward the floor. The key to safe backbends is active legs. Breathe. When you need to, roll down your spine, working from the top of the spine down toward the tailbone. Try to hold bridge pose for five to eight deep breaths, then rest for a few breaths and do two more sets.
Sit up nice and tall and close your eyes. Feel yourself breathing in and breathing out. On the inhale, think the words I am, and on the exhale, let out anything that comes up for you—anything. When you’re done, write down as many of those exhaled attributes as you can remember. That way, you’ll have a clear sense of those areas where you feel strong and the ones where you feel doubt or insecurity. Examine the qualities around which you feel confident and the ones where you feel unsure or less than. The latter are the ones that need your kind attention. Doubt is a dream killer. You might need to unlearn ideas you have about yourself that are holding you back. You might find that you have a samskara at play or a way of thinking about yourself that you need to rewire or reframe. The more you know and understand yourself, the easier it is to get out of your own way.