EJ
We’ve arrived in the mountains of California. I haven’t been here before, which is weird because we’ve lived here for our whole life, going back and forth between here and Nashville. It’s much colder than I thought it would be, but I guess we’re in the mountains so it should be cold. I’ve only ever experienced the beach here so it’s time I got here. Most of the group isn’t here yet, but I did notice that RJ is here. I wonder if maybe I should go talk to him the way Bri said I should. I’m still kind of worried that things aren’t going to work out the way they should. That I’m missing out on some piece of his personality that I should know. I can’t shake the feeling that neither of us are going to get out of this without being hurt.
My heart says he’s trying to tell me but, as Bri said, I’m never going to know unless I ask. But I know asking has never really been the problem. It’s listening and, this time, I will listen. I will not only listen, but I will let him know that what he’s going through is important.
That whatever it is that’s making life hard for him I’ll help him through.
I hope I’m not too late.
And I hope this is what he needs. At the same time, I wonder if I’m too late, if I’ve let this go on for too long.
I know what room he’s decided to take in the cabin so I make it a point to head up there ASAP. Hesitantly, I knock on the door, almost afraid he’s not going to answer, but equally afraid he’s going to. Eventually, he does and, when he opens the door, I can tell he’s already high.
It’s hard to see him like this.
But that isn’t the point right now.
The point right now is I want him to trust me, to talk to me.
Like he hasn’t in years.
“Hey bro,” he says. “I figured you’d be with the wife.”
“I was,” I confirm. “But she and I were talking about you, actually. She reminded me of a few things. I’ve been worried about you a lot lately.” I rub the palms of my hands together, trying to put into words what I’ve been feeling. “Really worried because I know you’re struggling and I’ve been wanting you to come to me. But Bri reminded me that while I’ve wanted you to come to me, I also haven’t offered you a safe place.” I run a hand over my hair, swallowing roughly. “So, instead of just assuming you’re gonna come to me and tell me you need me, I figured I’d do you one better and ask you how it’s going.” I shrug, being vulnerable with him for the first time in years. “Ask you what you need from me and how you feel.”
It’s obvious by the way his jaw hangs open that RJ is taken aback. Judging by the roundness of his eyes, he never expected me to ask this question. His mouth opens, shuts, then opens again as he struggles to answer.
“Nobody’s ever thought to ask me that before,” he chokes out. “The truth? I don’t know the answer to the question.” His eyes pool with tears as he clears his throat. “I don’t know what I need. All I do know is I’m not getting it.”
“Is there something I can do to help?” I beg. “I’m willing to help.”
“I just don’t know.” A tear falls over the bottom of his eyelid, sliding down his face before it gets captured by the beard he’s sporting. “I don’t know how to get help either. That’s part of the problem.” He wipes at the moisture. “I want help, but every time I go to get it, it’s never what I need. I don’t know what to tell you.” He shrugs. “Maybe I won’t get it until I hit rock bottom.”
“What is rock bottom?” The words come out more accusatory than helpful, but this is my brother and his life we’re fighting for.
He sighs. “I don’t know, but Jared tells me I’ll figure it out once I get there.”
“So you do at least talk to Jared about this shit?”
“Yeah, Jared and I talk a lot, but he’s also Montgomery’s dad and that puts me in a vulnerable situation with the woman I love. Knowing that her father realizes where I am in recovery is a scary thing.”
“And where is that?” I ask. He and I haven’t talked about it and, maybe as his older brother, I should have.
He grins, but it’s one of those that kids use when they’re trying to pull one over. It’s the type that says he doesn’t want to answer what I’m asking.
“I’m not as far as I should be,” he admits.
“Have you used today? I know the answer, but I want to see if you’ll tell me.” I want to know the truth like I think I know it to be. But I want to hear it from him.
“Yeah,” he admits, his voice barely above a whisper. “I couldn’t come here without using. Can’t see her without something to numb the pain of her not being in my life, even though the reason she isn’t there is because I use. It’s a stupid cycle.”
“I thought so,” I tell him. “I hoped I wasn’t right, but I knew I was because I can always tell with you. There’s so many things I wish you knew about yourself, RJ. I wish you realized how important you are to so many people. How much I love you and Bri loves you and mom and dad love you. I wish you knew how special you are. But I also know after going through this with you for so long that, until you realize how important you are, what we say won’t matter. And because you’re one of the most important people in my life, just know I’m here for you. Whenever you need me, I’ll be here. When you push me away, I’ll come back. I love you and I want you to know that. I also know, in my heart, that’s the best I can give you right now. This trip is for all of us and I want you to have fun. I desperately need for you to experience this family togetherness because who knows when we’ll get back to this place again. Especially since none of us knew we’d be getting a break. I need you to know you’re loved and there’s no one else I would rather have by my side than you. I know sometimes it doesn’t seem like it. I know there are a lot of times we go at each other. But I fight for you because I love you and I don’t want to lose you. I don’t know what kind of difference this will make, but I had to tell you.”
Surprising me, he leans over, giving me a hug. It’s the first time we’ve hugged in a while and I tighten my arms around him, afraid to let go. I’ve never been more scared that this is one of the last times I’ll hug him as I am right now. There’s a dark cloud hanging over and all I want is to be his shelter from whatever storm is brewing. Realistically, I know I can’t, but I’ll fight like hell to keep him here with me for as long as I can.
“You will never know how much this means to me. I may never make you proud the way you make me proud but, just know, this vacation? For me, the memories will last a lifetime.”