IT TOOK ALMOST an hour for Molly to fall asleep. Kaylan curled up on the bed next to her, stroking her hair and listening to her whimper until she finally went limp. She looked so innocent with her arm wrapped around her teddy bear and her thumb in her mouth. Her hero lay injured in a hospital bed, and that rocked her world.
Kaylan remembered the feeling of seeing Pap right after his stroke. Usually strong and capable, he’d looked feeble and confused. It shook her to her core. She couldn’t even imagine having that feeling as a four-year-old.
Kaylan exited Molly’s room, pulling the door closed behind her. She tiptoed across the hall and put her ear to the door of Conner and Tanner’s room. Deep breathing. The boys had remained subdued, taking in every bit of the situation. They’d stayed close to Nick when they got home as he helped them unwind and get ready for bed. Thankfully they crashed as soon as their heads hit the pillow.
She wandered down the hall to the family room where Nick sat on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees and his head in his hands. The TV played an episode of I Love Lucy in the background, and Kaylan smiled as Lucy tried to talk Ethel into one of her crazy schemes. It reminded her of Seth and Micah. They’d always been in one hair-brained scheme or another growing up, usually with Micah as the mastermind. But Seth had an ornery streak all his own.
Leaning on the couch behind Nick, Kaylan grabbed his shoulders and eased him back into the chocolate suede couch. The room felt like Montana—outdoor paintings, rustic furniture, and pictures of the family in white shirts, jeans, and cowboy boots adorned the space.
Kaylan wrapped her arms around Nick and kissed his cheek. “How ya doing?”
He turned his eyes to meet hers, and she saw the exhaustion and something else. She could almost see his mind running ninety miles an hour.
“I missed you.” He placed a gentle kiss on her lips and then tugged on her arms. She walked around the couch and sank next to him, curling into his chest, reassured by the sound of his heartbeat. On nights like this she wondered how she’d lived life before him. It somehow felt fuller now, as if a missing piece had found its way into her life. They chuckled together as Ricky showed up and caught Lucy in trouble.
Nick’s eyes remained cloudy despite his laughter. She ran her fingers down his face, drawing his eyes to hers. “You’re here with me, but your mind is still in a different country. Are you okay?”
He sat up on the couch and she followed, turning to face him, the suede changing color with her movement. He reached for her hands. “Let’s play a game. Twenty questions. Things we may not know about one another.”
Kaylan smiled, amazed he could orchestrate a lighthearted conversation when his face held so much worry. But she had to remember that SEALs worked hard and played hard. If they wore their work all the time, they would be emotionless machines. “All right. You go first.”
“What do you want to be for Halloween this year?”
“Alice in Wonderland and the Mad Hatter.”
Nick threw his head back and laughed. “Oh, no.”
“Oh, yes. You’ll look cute in all that makeup.”
“No guy should ever wear more makeup than his girlfriend.”
Kaylan smirked, causing Nick to chuckle again.
“Change that. No guy should ever have makeup on period, but especially in this circumstance where I would need more just to play the part.”
Kaylan leaned in close as if about to kiss him. “Please?”
“No, ma’am. Play fair.”
Her lips hovered right over his. “Please, babe?”
Nick leaned away, arching his back over the armrest. He gently pushed her back, his smile amused. “I’ll think about it.”
She gave in, her back sinking into the couch. “Most dangerous thing you’ve ever done. Outside of the SEALs, of course.”
“Street racing. Sophomore year of high school. Had the car at about 110 and climbing. Went into a turn, and the car went up on two wheels. Thought I was going to flip.” He shook his head. “Seriously the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. Thankfully it corrected quickly, and I finished the race.”
“Did you slow down any?”
The smile that warned of trouble bloomed. “Nope.”
“Of course not. Your turn.”
“Most embarrassing moment.”
Kaylan groaned. “Most definitely falling on my face during a dance recital.”
He winced.
“Yeah, not good. I was thirteen and it was our big Christmas performance.” She thought for a moment, the television casting an eerie glow in the dark room. “What did you want to be as a kid?”
He didn’t even hesitate. “A teenage mutant ninja turtle.”
She burst out laughing.
He rubbed his hands together. “All right, my turn. Where do you see yourself in five years?”
The change in tone caught her off guard, and she fidgeted, unsure how to answer him. “Well, I guess that depends.”
“On what?”
“You only get one question at a time.”
“You didn’t answer the original question, Kayles.” He reached for her hands again, running his thumbs over the top. His touch still sent shivers racing down her spine. She forced her brain to concentrate. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” he repeated.
She took a deep breath, her heart racing . “I guess I see myself working for a natural disaster relief organization somewhere, helping them create emergency strategies and provide nutritional food in the midst of a disaster like I experienced.”
“Is that it?”
She shook her head, cautious to finish. “I see myself married and starting a family. My turn. I’ll turn that question back to you.”
He shrugged. “That’s easy. On a SEAL team, maybe Six.” He met her eyes, and for the first time since their reunion at the hospital, they appeared crystal clear and deep. Her breath quickened. “Married to you. Starting a family. That’s what I want, Kayles.” He brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear, his voice lowering to a whisper. “What do you think about that?”
Heat crept up her face hidden in the dim flicker from the television screen. “Are we still playing?”
“No. I need to know a few things. We need to talk about this. It’s just me, Kayles.” His fingers caressed her wrist where her pulse betrayed her racing heart. “What are you afraid of?”
What fears held her captive? Abandonment, loss. The fear of letting someone in that deeply again. She knew she cared for Nick in a different way than Sarah Beth, but if they kept moving this direction, she would have to let him into all the ugly insecurities, the bad attitudes, the bitterness, all the broken parts of her heart. She would be fully known, and that thought frightened her. Would he still love her the same way if he really saw how weak she could be? He needed someone strong.
“Kayles . . . ”
She had to trust him with something, had to help him understand why she moved so slowly.
“Baby. Can you answer me?” His face filled with hesitation for a moment, and he cleared his throat. “Do you . . . do you not want this?”
She gripped his hands as if he would slip from her grasp. It hit her then, the weight of her desire. She realized she wanted him more than her job, more than moving closer to her family, more than she wanted someone who worked nine-to-five.
“Nick, I want this more than anything. Okay? It just terrifies me.”
Relief filled his face. “Why does it terrify you?”
“If you only knew what’s inside me, the pain, the bitterness from this year. Trust me, you wouldn’t like what you see. But I would have to show you all of that.”
He cupped her face in his hands and focused all his intensity on her, his eyes piercing to her heart, shining a light on all the hidden places. “I want to know every part of you, even the dark places. Kaylan, that’s what forever is all about. I’m not expecting you to be perfect or put together.”
“But you are. All the time.”
“Hmm. I think you need to talk to Micah. Kaylan, I stay calm because I have to. But inside I’m dying. Sometimes that manifests as anger, sometimes withdrawal, sometimes pride and cockiness.” He smirked. “You should have seen me in college. Much worse. But I am far from put together. And you’ve got to let me see those things too, babe. I want to know. I want to understand you. And I want to know how we can fight that stuff, be better together.”
He grinned. “How many kids do you want?”
“Five.”
His eyes glowed like giant orbs. “Are you kidding? How about three.”
“Hey, you asked a question, and I gave you an honest answer. Don’t discourage me.”
He smirked. “That is not a weapon for you to use.”
She grinned. “Consider it a one-time thing. How about three and we can adopt two from Haiti?”
“That’s still five kids, Kaylan.”
She rolled her eyes. “Fine. I’ll consider a negotiation. Maybe.”
His grin hit the danger zone again as he leaned in for a kiss. “We can negotiate while we’re practicing,” he whispered against her lips.
Every fiber of her body responded to his touch, but she knew trouble when it knocked. She giggled and pulled away from him, jumping off the couch. “Okay, and with that, it’s bedtime.”
She padded down the hall and returned with sheets and a pillow for the couch. She handed them to him, and he tossed them on the cushions. He stalked her as she backed away, trying not to encourage him. “Don’t I get a good-night kiss?”
“What did you just call that?” She pointed to the couch and then bumped into a wall, a picture frame rocking next to her head.
He pinned her with his arms, his eyes drifting to her lips.
“Nick Carmichael, you are trouble tonight.”
He leaned in close, his lips a breath away, making her heart leap into her throat as she wrapped her arms around his waist. “No. Just in love with you.” The words made her head spin as his kiss stole her breath away.
After a moment he pulled back, his hands now cradling her face. “Just so you know, I love you no matter what. It’s not a conditional thing.”
“My head gets that. My heart doesn’t trust it.”
He thought for a moment. “Kaylan, how are you sure of the Lord’s love for you?”
Unexpected tears came to her eyes, but she blinked them away. “I guess I didn’t think about that until the earthquake. But now I understand it better. He didn’t leave me when I raged at Him, never abandoned me when my heart grew bitter. He sent me sunrise after sunrise to remind me of the beauty that comes after the darkest night.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “And He sent me you to walk through it.”
“God knows your heart, every beautiful, messy bit of it.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “How do you know what love is? How do you measure it?”
“I guess you can’t.”
He nodded. “Sure you can. Love comes from God, Kayles. It’s deeper than we can ever understand, purer than we’ll ever know, and unconditional no matter what we do, how far we run from Him, or how much we push Him away. We know it, because He is the embodiment of love itself.” Nick brought her fingers up to his lips and kissed them. “Kayles, I’m not perfect. I never will be. I can’t promise to never leave in the physical sense. I’m a soldier. But I can promise to never stop loving you and never base it on circumstance.
“Kayles, if He can love a prideful, playboy, college athlete who wanted nothing to do with Him, then I can love others no matter what. I’m not scared of the dark places, baby. Trust me. But more than that, trust Him with those dark spots. I promise, my love for you is unchanging. It’s purer than I’ve ever known.”
Peace settled her racing heart, and she leaned into Nick’s arms, feeling a security and depth there she had yet to discover. Lord, teach me to let him in, to let people in again. I don’t know how.
A lesson she learned in Haiti came flooding back. She would tackle this relationship one step at a time. She would open her heart, and she would remember what it looked like to love with all she possessed. Then she would understand how to love Nick as he truly deserved. And she wouldn’t stop trying until that became a reality.