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etective Ocon had arrived with depressing news. "Despite our stakeout, the policemen found nothing of use. There are residential areas, but only for the workers. We checked the records; she is not in any of them. No woman matching her description was spotted in the area either. It is like she vanished into thin air.
We also asked around to see if any apartments had been vacated recently, but nothing turned up. Even if she is living, she is living as a ghost." At this point, I was used to the disappointment. I was used to Hannah being one step ahead of all of us. Just then, the door to my apartment opened, revealing Nathan. He was still dressed in his court attire; it seemed like he had come directly from the hearing.
He gave me a small smile but then sensed the mood. “What happened?” I sighed and looked down at the ground. “Nothing turned up. The location hunch was a dead end.” Nathan looked equally disappointed upon hearing Detective Ocon's reply. He looked at me, mouthing, "Are you okay?" I nodded my head. I did not want to say anything in front of Detective Ocon. "But worry not. Daniel is still one hundred percent surveilling your apartment. I am sure she will come for you. We will apprehend her.
If not this, then we will find some other lead. We are working our hardest, and it will definitely yield results," he said, patting my shoulder as he turned around to leave. As soon as Detective Ocon left, Nathan began to talk. "How is she doing this? How is she always two steps ahead of us? Do you think she was never there, or do you think she is still following up on you, knew about Detective Ocon's plan, and left?" I just shook my head.
Everything had been too peaceful since the hospital incident. She was too quiet. I knew something was bound to go wrong. What is she planning? We had absolutely no way of knowing. "I do not know. I think it is more probable that she found out and moved. Honestly, with every single lead, it becomes more and more probable that she has an inside informant. I simply do not understand who.
And even if it is someone I know, I do not share details of the police investigation with anyone, yet they somehow get leaked. How does she know everything? Does she have an informant in the police force? Since her wires were removed, she has no other way of knowing so much." Nathan just shook his head. Like me, he was just as confused. “You should go home and get freshened up. I have Max with me; I will be fine.” Nathan bid both of us goodbye as he left. "You said you do not reveal details of the police investigation; that might not be completely true." I heard Max’s voice from behind me.
She was leaning against the bedroom wall with her right shoulder in contact with the wall. I raised my right eyebrow and stared at her. “What do you mean?” She stood up straight and began walking toward me. “You tell him, do you not?” “Who, Nathan?” She nodded her head, saying nothing, gauging my reaction. Then, I laughed. "You do not have to worry about him. It is not just that he is my friend; he is my lawyer. I tell him for legal purposes.
You can trust him." She still looked at me suspiciously, waiting for a crack to appear in my exterior. That is when I realized she is not just here to protect me; she is also here to keep an eye on me. I should have known. Detective Ocon is too smart not to have realized that I was hiding things from him. He was trying to solve the case through me; I was the scapegoat. She was trying to figure out the people I was skeptical of in order to get to the one behind all of this. Smart move. I was caged despite being free.
––––––––
I was awake. At least, my mind was awake. My body was still asleep. It has been a while since the sleep paralysis last kicked in. The last time was at the hospital, the night Hannah paid me a visit. Her only purpose? Scaring me. Breathe in, breathe out. Wait, no. She was also looking for the pendant. The pendant. I still have it. I still have something of hers. She will not go anywhere without it. That is when I realized she did not go anywhere.
She is only hiding, waiting for an opportunity. As long as I have the pendant, she is not going anywhere. The pendant is the way to make sure this case is solved. I tried to move my finger. Still no luck. The weight on my chest was growing heavier every minute. I saw no one. My sleep paralysis demon had shifted from Father to Andrew to... I do not know yet. I just felt a weight on my chest, pressing the weight of the world down on me.
When will all of this be over? I am tired; I simply want to sleep. Breathe in, breathe out. At least nightmares we have at night have an ending at one point, and you wake up and go on with your life. What if your whole life is a nightmare? Then, there is no escape. You just blindly run into the night, and you keep running, afraid of the monster under your bed.
Breathe in, breathe out. However, the monster is not under your bed but right behind you. It is someone you love; it is someone who wants to ruin you. Love is ruin. Hatred is the tombstone of love. I feel a lone tear escaping my eye. Even my tears have the privilege I do not: escape. So, I just lie there, waiting for my body to wake up.
##
"Did something happen last night? I thought I heard a noise from your room. I got up to check, but your room was locked. I figured if you were in danger, you would scream. I got the key and opened it; you were asleep," Max asked me as I was making breakfast. “Nothing happened. I might have had a nightmare or something. Nothing to worry about.”
Max gave a small nod and said, “Either way, please do not lock your door at night. It will make it harder in case anything happens. She might come back; If she does, her best chance is through your bedroom window. If your door is locked when she comes back, then it will make my job harder. Even if I break the door down, it will waste too much time. Is it okay for you to keep your door unlocked at night?” I thought about it. What she meant was that I had no choice. I just shook my head. I had nothing to say.
##
A crisp winter morning; white lilies, graveyard. This was the first time I visited his grave since he passed away. I never thought I would visit his grave. I wanted to have nothing to do with him. Yet, here I was, standing in front of him, broken. Talking to him now would not be any different than when she was alive; he never replied anyway.
I placed the lilies on his grave and sat down. Max came with me, but out of respect, she sat down under a tree a considerable distance from me. A position where she could give me my privacy yet still be close enough to protect me in case something happened.
She was a good person. I sat down beside the grave, with my knees folded and my arms folded above my knees, resting on them. “Hey, Dad, how are you?” Nothing. Of course. “I do not know if you are watching me from up there or not.
If you are, you already know how it is going with me. If you are not, then it is not going great.” Pause. Breathe in, breathe out. A rustling of the leaves, crunching of the leaves. "Do not get me wrong. I blame you. You left behind a mess you could not sort yourself. But how did you deal with it? If you had unburdened yourself with me, would things have been different between us? Would we have been closer? Would I have seen you as human?"
The wind is picking up. Maybe it will rain. “I miss you.” There it is. I said it. It was true. "I made your pasta for Andrew once. He loved it so much that he asked me to teach him the recipe. I refused. I had never refused him anything. That pasta was our thing, our only thing. I could not give it away, even to Andrew. Now he is gone too, just like you.
Even though I do exactly what you taught me, my pasta still does not taste like yours. There is so much longing in life; it makes me want to have a plate of pasta hot off the stove and just eat it while watching the city lights blink in and out of focus.
Do you think that would be possible?" Pause. “Of course not. Anyway, I just wanted to come here and unload. Being buried in the ground felt more real to me than cremation, so I came to you and not Andrew. Hope you are at peace.” As soon as Max saw me getting up, she stopped picking leaves and got up from the tree. She patiently waited for me to approach her so we could walk back together. It felt like the clouds waited for us to leave. As soon as we were a safe distance away, it began to rain.
I watched as it rained on the white lilies. I watched the rain as it cleaned away any signs of my having been to the grave. I watched as it washed me away from his life. I watched as the rain rebuilt the ground around him.
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