MY CHEEKS CAUGHT FIRE, SO I DIDN’T LOOK AT HIM. I just said, “Oh.”
“What if it’s bad between us, too? You might end up hating me.”
“That’s not going to happen. But if you’re worried,” I said carefully, “we don’t have to . . . I mean, I’m not expecting anything from you.”
He looked alarmed. “You don’t expect anything from me, as in you expect it to be the same?”
“No! I meant . . . ugh.” I drew my knees to my chest and hugged them. “I meant, if you’re not ready, it’s fine.”
“Oh, I’m ready,” he said so confidently, it made my chest feel warm. “I just want to know what went wrong. Like, specifically.”
“Specifically?”
“If we can’t talk about it, how can we do it?” He had a point. “Why was it bad?”
I sighed. “For starters, it was always in the car.”
“Which was cramped?” he guessed.
Fine. He really wanted to know? I’d tell him everything. “It felt cheap. Like he couldn’t be bothered to try harder. And either there was a seat belt buckle poking my rib or my head was bumping against the roof of the car—which, after I broke up with him, he apparently told some of his friends in English class about. Because a couple of them started making jokes to me, like ‘Your head bruised up today, Morticia?’ Or they’d pound on their desks and say ‘What’s that sound? It’s Morticia’s head hitting the roof of the car.’ ”
“Jesus and freaking Mary,” Jack mumbled. “Are you serious?”
“That’s why I hate being on top, by the way. What else? Let’s see. Howard was always in a hurry, so even though he wanted to see me naked, he refused to do anything more than push his jeans down a few inches, ‘just in case’ we got caught and he had to make a quick getaway.”
“That’s hot.”
Once I got going with the confessing, I couldn’t stop. “So of course it always lasted like three minutes. He’d just pick me up and park somewhere, and then he’d drive me straight home afterward so he could rush back to his own house to play video games with his jerkwad friends.”
“Remind me why you were with this asshole again.”
“He also said he couldn’t afford to take me to the movies anymore because he’d quit his after-school job, but the next Monday morning I overheard him bragging about some keg party the swim team threw, and he’d pitched in thirty dollars to help buy beer. Oh, and he never wanted to hang out with me at home because he claimed he ‘didn’t do the parent thing.’ ”
“What did Katherine the Great think about that?”
“I never told her about him.”
“I see.”
I hugged my knees closer. “If you want to know the truth, I probably should’ve known better. I ignored a lot of things I didn’t like about him right from the start because . . . well, because I was lonely and just wanted to do something that made me feel like I was in control of my life.”
“He was your golden apple.”
I thought about that for a moment. “No, because I wasn’t helping anyone in the process. I wasn’t doing anything poetic or beautiful, and I didn’t have good intentions. I was only doing it to make myself feel better.”
“Mmm.” Jack balanced a forearm against his bent knee. “Well, apart from the pitfalls of extreme douchebaggery, which I’m not even going to address, because clearly this guy is a total loser and didn’t deserve you—”
“That’s the truth,” I mumbled.
“But what you’re telling me is that you don’t like to be rushed”—he began ticking off a list on his fingers—“or being on top. You do like making out and equal-opportunity nakedness, and you’d prefer it not to happen in a car.”
“Well, what you and I did in the car was sort of nice,” I admitted, glancing at him. “Really nice.”
“Oh, good,” he said with a soft smile. “I thought so, too.”
“But a bed would be nicer. Or anywhere nonpublic.”
“What about on top of some trash cans in a dark alley?” he teased.
“Gross.”
“Under the bleachers, next to the empty nacho trays and cigarette butts?”
I shoved him, and we both laughed. Then I chewed on the inside of my mouth and finally said, “We always used condoms, just so you know. I might’ve been stupid, but I wasn’t irresponsible.”
“I bought some new ones,” he said. “I felt weird about freeloading off your mom, no offense.”
Oh, wow. That made my pulse quicken. “I brought a couple of them with me, just in case.”
“You did?”
“Not that I was making assumptions.”
“Make all the assumptions you want,” he said playfully, his mouth quirking up. A few moments passed. “By the way, I read an entire book about the female orgasm last night.”
I nearly choked.
“And I’ve watched a lot of porn—”
“Oh, God,” I said, covering my face with my hands.
“—so it’s not like I’m totally in the dark.”
Some weird, twisted noise came out of my mouth. I did my best to form it into a rough “all right.”
“Just promise me one thing,” he continued. “If it’s not good, tell me. Don’t just get angry and resent me. I’d rather us not do anything and keep what we have now than screw things up between us. Okay?”
I nodded.
He nodded.
Awkward silence hung between us until he finally said, “So, how about dinner?”
Oh. I hoped I didn’t look as disappointed—or simultaneously relieved—as I felt. I reminded myself that he was just doing what I told him I wanted: nothing rushed. We were just hanging out. Besides, Mom’s shift didn’t end until seven in the morning, which was almost ten hours away.
He stood and offered a hand to help me up. When I got on my feet, he was closer than I realized, and I bumped into him. I apologized and tried to step back, but he stopped me with an arm around my waist. “You’re not freaked out, are you?”
I wanted to say “of course not,” but it came out as “You haven’t even kissed me today.”
“You haven’t kissed me, either.”
I smiled, feeling sheepish. “Oh.”
He traced one of my milkmaid braids and combed through the loose wisps around my temples. My gaze tracked his movements before lifting to his face. His fingers stilled. We stared at each other for a few heartbeats and then met in the middle.
His lips were warm on mine. His arms pulled me closer, and we pressed against each other, shoulders to hips. Maybe it was all that candid sex talk, but I was both extremely turned on and deliriously edgy at the same time. My hands found their way under the back hem of his soft T-shirt. He felt warm and solid and muscular, and I traced the bumps in his spine with the tips of my fingers while he trailed wet kisses against my neck. It all felt so good. Too good. My knees went weak, and I staggered against him before quickly righting myself.
“Maybe we should skip dinner,” he said in a gravel-rough voice.
“Maybe we should skip the bed thing, too,” I said, half kidding to cover my embarrassment over the wobbly knees.
“Okay,” he said. “Here?”
Wait, here? Now? I’d only been joking. Jack, however, was not. My nerves went all jangly. “You think anyone can see us?” I asked.
“Not unless they have binoculars with night vision.”
Right. Okay. “Did you bring—”
“In my pocket.”
“Okay.”
“Yeah?”
I could feel my pulse whooshing through my temples.
“Yeah,” I finally said.
We began pulling each other’s clothes off, piece by piece: jacket, shoes, socks, shirts. I nearly passed out from the thrill of seeing his bare chest bookended by those half-sleeve tattoos with their intensely saturated colors, even in the blue moonlight. And below his chest, the dark trail of hair leading to . . .
“Why do you have a 4-H belt buckle?” I whispered.
“It was my grand father’s. He loved cows.”
I was loving cows right then, too. My fingers trembled as I finally, finally—WAS I ACTUALLY DOING THIS?—got my hands on that buckle. I was so consumed with the unbuckling that I didn’t notice him struggling to unhook my bra until he growled. I laughed nervously, and he pulled me closer so he could see what he was doing over my shoulder, scolding me in a teasing voice, “You think it’s funny, huh? I’m going to rip it off of you in a second if it won’t—there.”
Cool air rushed over my skin. For a panicked moment, I wanted to cover myself. But my shyness melted away when he touched me, softly at first, then with more confidence. And by the time we got the rest of our clothes off, he was more than confident. He was outright presumptuous.
“I can’t stand up while you do that,” I said, practically panting.
“So bossy,” he teased. We dropped to the floor, and he kissed me in some new and wonderful places before he started touching me again. But it was—“Ow.”
“Sorry, sorry,” he mumbled. “What? Is this better?”
“Um . . . I think?” This was more awkward than I’d expected. Doubt crept into my thoughts. Not about Jack but about myself. What if Howard Hooper wasn’t the problem? What if it was me? Maybe I was terrible at sex. Like, woefully bad. What if Jack’s worries about it changing our relationship weren’t wrong? What if—
“What about this?” he murmured.
I couldn’t answer. Not for a while. But when I realized I could touch him, too—actually touch him! Anywhere!—I reciprocated his bold moves and marveled as he shuddered beneath my fingers.
Everything was different with Jack. More intense. Emotional. Stronger. Better . . . Him. Us. All of it. And one by one, my doubts shrank until they were more or less gone.
“Now, Jack, please.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
“Are you close?”
“Maybe. Are you laughing at me now?”
He grinned at me with heavy-lidded eyes as he fished inside the pocket of his discarded jeans. “Only because I’m happy.”
I laughed a little, too, breathless, and then groaned. “Please hurry. Do you know how to put it on?”
“If I lie and say no, will you help me?”
“You’re awfully cheeky for a virgin.”
“I told you, Bex. You bring out the best in me. Oh, don’t do that. It’s too good. Move here. . . . Jesus, you’re beautiful.”
“Jack . . .”
“I . . .”
“Oh . . .”
“My God. Am I hurting you?”
I pushed back in answer.
“You feel so good,” he whispered.
“Please don’t stop.”
“You either.”
Near the end, I turned my cheek to the rug because I was overwhelmed and afraid to let him see me lose control. He bent his head to my neck and whispered breathy encouragements until neither one of us could say another word.
THE NIGHT BREEZE FLOWING THROUGH THE OPEN doors turned brisk. Tucked against Jack’s side, I huddled closer, but even his hot skin couldn’t drive away the chill.
“Cold?” he asked, rolling toward me to wrap himself around my body.
“Sort of. But I also don’t want to move. Like, ever again.”
“We can stitch our clothes together and make a blanket.”
“Collect rainwater in our shoes.”
“Harvest cypress needles off the treetops for food,” he suggested.
“Or fashion a trap out of books and lure seagulls to the balcony.”
“Mmm, raw poultry,” he said. “I renounce my vegetarian ways right this second.”
I laughed and clung to him with both arms and legs, inhaling the scent of his balmy skin. “You make me so happy,” I murmured against the steady drum of his heart.
“I think I’ve been waiting for you all my life,” he murmured back.
And then we did it all over again.
WE FINALLY ABANDONED OUR NEST IN THE ATTIC around midnight. And after he’d fed me some crazy good corn chowder and cheesy muffins he’d picked up from some takeout place (my chowder had chunks of ham in it, which, as I informed him, was the ultimate romantic gesture), he locked up the main house and we spent the remaining six hours of stolen freedom in his warm and cozy room out back. Mostly naked.
We took a shower together and tried to have superhot sex standing up, but after nearly breaking both our backs trying to find a good angle—the short girl, tall boy thing wasn’t exactly practical—we ended up in his bed. He let me read his comic book (Jack’s humor and storytelling skills were a little better than Andy’s drawings) and formally introduced me to his betta, Sashimi 3. (Both her predecessors had been given full funerary rites and buried near the guesthouse.)
But after another round of sex in a very interesting position he’d learned in his book, I couldn’t stay awake any longer. So we spooned together, napping until his alarm went off and he had to drive me home.
Saying good-bye to him that morning was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do. I cried a little. I couldn’t help it. If we were older, he’d have his own place, and I could just stay over. Or I’d have my own place, and he could just stay over. It wasn’t even the sex. I wanted to sleep with him and wake up with him. I wanted the whole package. I wanted more.
“One day,” he promised.
He held me on the sidewalk in front of my house until we couldn’t delay it any longer, and then I watched Ghost’s red taillights disappear into the fog.
The light in the front window was on. Maybe Heath had forgotten to turn it off. I hoped Mom hadn’t come home for a midnight lunch and noticed I wasn’t in my room. The dozen steps up to my front door felt like Sisyphus’s doomed hill, and when I jabbed my key into the deadbolt, the mythical boulder rolled back down: It was already unlocked.
I pushed the door open with the tips of my fingers and stood in front of my worst nightmare. A two-person firing squad awaited me, consisting of both Heath and Mom, the latter sitting on the living room sofa with her arms crossed and fire in her eyes.