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“Why are you here?” Nona asked rolling her eyes trying to force him to leave.
“Your daughter.”
“Jackie.”
“No, Sabrina.”
“Have you come to confess to the murderer?”
“No, and for the last time I did not kill her she had a knife and killed herself.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“Good,” Nona replied, “Why are you here, Matthew?”
“The night before Lilian was born, Sabrina came to my house and gave me a note. She told me to never open it unless she told me to, or she was dead.”
“Yeah, I understand she gives notes. You killed her so you could open the note?” My grandma is sly with her words. I love that woman!
“No, I just recently found it and you might want to read it.”
July—- of a certain year.
Dear Matthew,
I have no idea when you are reading this, maybe the night I died or even 10 years later. I am telling you this from the grave, you were loyal, and I love that about you. You need to get a good wife and have great children. Let us get one thing straight though......
Ok, I am dead, and I killed myself, people think you did it. Yeah! I know this because I thought about this very thoroughly and I want to get one thing clear, I do not know how to tell you. Ah! Ok, I killed myself for Lilian this is crazy, but she was planned. Look, um I wanted a kid so I could be happy. I wasn’t actually on the pill! Surprise!
Another secret, I stopped the drugs a long time ago right when you mentioned therapy the first time, I went and always kept some drugs on me so that people would think I was still doing them. I know carrying drugs is illegal, but I totally had you and Jackie completely tricked.
I wanted Lilian so I did not go back to the drugs wow it is so tempting and when I was three months pregnant, I started thinking that she needs an exciting life without me. But her dad needs to know, I was not sleeping with other guys when we were dating. I was seeing other people, like Danny and Drew but he is going to turn out gay. So, I don’t know why you worried about Drew.
I knew you would always take me back and that was not fair for you, I love you! I killed myself for Lilian and you so that her life will not be complicated and yours will not be either. She is your daughter.
I had been suicidal for a long time, before I had Lilian, I had ruined my life with the drugs and making the mistake to have a child. Even though I wanted a kid so much it is horrible to think that she was a planned accident that if I would have been smarter, she would never have happened. After you read this tell her I love her.
LOVE,
Sabrina Collison
Nona read this and was in shock, so she ran upstairs to get some of her old notebooks and compared the writing. The writing matched each-other, and Nona started to bawl.
I snatched the letter off the table and Hayden took the letter and read it. He just gave me a look and I just stared at the paper then I looked at Matthew. “Are you, my dad?”
“I don’t know, I think I am I mean this says I am.” He answered. I found him! I knew I could do it, I told Hayden I could.
“Are we going to get a nasty old blood test?”
“Maybe. And yes, if I want custody over you.”
“Do you?”
“If you are my daughter I do, and you are a sweet kid unless Jackie changed you.”
“Why do you not like Jackie?”
“I don’t know, she just hates my guts and was always rude to me, and she was awful to your mom.”
“Oh.” It was probably just a sister rivalry.
We finished talking and I was having the opposite of an anxiety attack. An exited-E attack. Nona was crying in the other room it must have been her worst nightmare.
Matthew left because—I actually cannot finish that because I have no idea.
Hayden’s mom came before too long. We had stopped waiting for trick-or-treaters. To be honest, I was tired and had left Hayden downstairs sitting at the kitchen table lonely.
I was sleeping with my mother on my mind. I wish she were here, and we were all a happy family, her, and Matthew. They would tuck me in, and we would have read books when I was younger.
I was crying in my sleep because it woke me up around three and I had to wipe the tears. I am usually really strong, but I just let my feelings pour down like rain in the middle of April.
I do not remember, but I believe that this was the first time that I cried myself to sleep.
* * *
NONA HAD DONE THE SAME that night, she had to cry because there was proof in that letter that she had been blaming an innocent teenager for something she was sad and angry about. Nona felt like she did not know Sabrina at all. She had no idea that Sabrina had quit the drugs or had even been going to counseling.
She did not want to think that the suicide was true she just wanted to think that Sabrina was that innocent little girl she had been in kindergarten. But she was not she was different... Drugs... Secrets... Suicide... Drugs... Secrets... Suicide... Drugs... Secrets.... Suicide. These were the words that kept Nona awake through the night.
* * *
THE NEXT MORNING WAS Halloween! The day of the spooks! I slept in but got some pretty nice sleep after crying myself to sleep. To be honest, I have slept till noon only three times including this time. I laid in my bed the rest of the day; I just was not motivated for getting up.
I finally got out of bed around five because I was going to watch scary movies with Hayden at the neighbors. I thought about canceling but I loved Hayden and I cannot go a day without him.
I walked down the stairs in different clothes and brushed hair. Nona looked like she had been crying.
“Lilian, tomorrow you and Hayden are going with Matthew to get that blood test,” Nona said trying to hold back tears from her bloodshot eyes.
“Why are you not coming?” I asked.
“It will be better for everyone, too many memories and I don’t want you to see me that weak.”
“It’s ok. I don’t think you are weak you lost my mom, your daughter, someone you love.”
“She took herself from us and I could have prevented it,” she said giving up on keeping the tears in, “If only we knew then we could have stopped it.”
“But you did not know, and it happened so long ago. Grandma, you cannot keep blaming yourself for what happened. You didn’t know.”
“And I hate myself for that.”
“Please don’t say that.”
“I don’t want you to see me when I’m weak,” she sobbed and put her head in her hands, “I called Summer she is coming to get you and take you somewhere.”
“I’m weak too.”
“You’re still going with Summer; I think you are going trick-or-treating.”
“With the twins? I was supposed to watch scary movies with Hayden!”
“Yeah,” Nona walked out of the room. I thought Hayden and I were going to watch scary movies.
“Do I have to go?”
“Lilian please don’t fight me on this,” she spoke from a different room.
I was quiet and went upstairs. I put some shoes on and picked out a bag for trick-or-treating. Since my plans are always changing.