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I was going to take my own life the way my mother did. The same room, same house, same people plus more, and the same weapon. I wanted all the people that hurt my mother to be there.
I got some paper and started figuring out the details. I knew that the house Sabrina was killed in was Matthew’s parent’s house. I was going to have to think of a plan to get myself and everyone that hurt her in that place.
Though I would probably never go there anyway in my life, I was determined. I knew that I had to go. I did the only thing I could think of to get myself there, “Matthew, father person, you are taking me to the place my mother died!” I said sternly.
“Uh, no, your grandmother would kill me and so would Jackie and Summer,” he replied laughing nervous. His face was pale, ghost pale and his eyes were red.
“Then I will walk.”
“You don’t even know where to go.”
“I know enough.”
“Fine I will take you, but you got to promise to not tell your grandmother nor Jackie.”
“Ok,” I said giving my sly smirk, only to myself and not him.
To be completely honest, I didn’t think that he would fall for my little tantrum, but he did, and I was going to go check out the house I was going to commit suicide in, I was going to end my life and hurt all of the people that hurt my mother by taking all she had left. When I got there my grandparents were out of town and were moving, to a more helpful area. (A retirement home; they were incompetent according to my dad. I honestly don’t know what that means.)
I really do not know, he told me that my grandfather was schizophrenic or something; he was having delusions. Then grandma was sick, but he did not say what with.
Matthew also told me he had been trying to sell the house, but no one would buy it. I was confused it looked like a nice little house, and it was on the inside too.
I walked around the whole house and told my father, “Matthew, I think you should keep this house and sell your house.”
“Why would I do something like that?” This house is bigger and your childhood home.
“This house is bigger and probably about the same price as the other one and plus I read something somewhere that said children tend to get better grades living in ancestral homes.”
“You are very smart I will think about it.”
I saw where some of the tiles had been redone and were not matching. The walls in that room talk, and at that moment I knew that my mom was actually dead. There was no proof in that room but that had happened almost ten years ago. I just knew it way down deep in my soul.
We got back in the car and left. I now had an idea about how I was going to get people there. At my room in Matthew’s house, I got back and wrote notes.
I really hoped Matthew would take the bait and would buy the house. That would be the least of my problems. If he did not fall for the bait, I did not know what I was going to do.
Then I went to sleep and woke up around noon on Sunday. I went to go eat something, then I found Matthew at the table, and sat he told me, “I’m going to sell this house and get the other one.”
“Oh, my,” I said thinking about either how stupid he was or how spoiled I was. It was both I agreed on. I then had to plan more of my precious suicide.
Then I got the best idea yet, I was going to have a “party” and call it a memorial of Sabrina. I was going to have it at Matthew’s, and everyone was going to be there. Although everything was going great for me, there were some challenges.
The first challenge was Matthew moving. This all depended on when he was moving and how long it would take.
The second challenge was my grandmother, if she did not think this was a good thing Nona might not let me do the memorial.
The third and final challenge that I thought about was how I was going to get everyone there, other than the party idea.
My week started going by, and I kept planning my suicide back in depth.
* * *
MONDAY CAME, I WENT to school and came home, next it was Tuesday and then Wednesday. Soon, it was almost the next week and I was at Matthew’s new house, the place that had had a suicide there. I fell asleep in that house, on that Saturday night and was going to tell people about my Memorial party that I was going to throw for my mother.
“Father, on my birthday I want to throw a memorial party for my mom.”
“Oh, where would you want to throw the party?”
“Here!”
“Why, here?”
“This is where she died, and I think people need to come together and talk about her and truly let her go.” No, I want to kill myself the same way she did to punish those for lying to me.
“Yeah, but people might not want to come here because this is where it happened at. Your grandmother never drives down this street because this is where her daughter died. Plus, don’t you think it is kind of weird.”
“No, and my grandma doesn’t have to have a say in it, you’re my biological father and you have rights over me.”
“I don’t think that it is a good idea.”
“I will handwrite all the invitations for everyone invited.”
“Fine I will let you have this, but it will be our secret until you send out the invitations.” I am spoiled.
* * *
THAT MONDAY, I WENT to school and then went home to my grandparents, I was very distant, and I could tell they felt it. They wanted to blame Matthew, but they did not want to be wrong again, so they decided it to be best to get me into counseling.
“Lilian, tomorrow after school you have a counseling session,” Nona told me.
“I don’t need counseling.”
“You are very distant Lilian. We believe you need counseling. Plus, maybe it will make you feel better.”
“No, I don’t need counseling,” I repeated.
I stormed off from the kitchen table and took a shower to cool off, though the water was hot.
The shower worked and I got ready for bed. After I brushed my hair, I laid down and bawled my eyes out.
I cried myself to sleep that night and thought that the next day I was going to pretend, put my happy face on, and let the counselor hear what she or he want to hear.