The following morning, as soon as I returned home from taking Paula to school, I telephoned Lily and told her of the discussion Lucy and I had had in respect of me adopting her. Lily said she would need to consult her team manager, but she thought that if Lucy and I wanted adoption, then the department would support my application. However, as I expected, she added a note of caution: she would need to speak to Bonnie to ascertain her view. We both knew that most parents of children in care, while agreeing to a long-term foster placement for their child, would strongly oppose adoption, as it took away all their legal status as parents. Even the birth certificate of an adopted child can be changed to show the adopted parents’ names, replacing those of the child’s birth parents.
That evening I told Lucy that Lily was looking into our request, but that it might take some time before we knew anything for definite.
It was three months before Lily was able to contact Bonnie, and Lily told me that to begin with Bonnie had reservations about me adopting Lucy, as she thought she wouldn’t be able to see Lucy again. Once Lily had reassured her that I was happy to continue with the present contact arrangements, Bonnie said she wouldn’t oppose the adoption, as she wanted whatever Lucy wanted. Not only was Bonnie’s attitude completely selfless, it was also very unusual. Needless to say, Lucy was overjoyed, and I began the application process.
A year later, when Lucy had been with me for two years, the adoption order was granted and Lucy officially became my daughter. At Lucy’s request, we changed her surname to our family name, and I applied for a savings account and passport in her new name. An added bonus for Lucy that came with being adopted was that there was no more social services involvement – no more reviews or visits from social workers – as she was no longer in care.
We celebrated Lucy’s adoption with a party at home, where my parents, my brother and his family, Lily, Jill, Josette and Vicky (now another good friend of Lucy’s) all came for the evening and I made a buffet tea. Lucy had told Josette and Vicky about her adoption, but, apart from her teacher, no one else at school knew.
Although the social services’ involvement had finished with the granting of the adoption order, Lily offered to continue to arrange and supervise contact if I wished. As I had a good working relationship with Bonnie, I felt there was no need for supervised contact, so it was left to Bonnie and me to organize between us. This arrangement worked well and Bonnie continued to see Lucy twice a year and phoned occasionally – usually on birthdays and at Christmas. Sometimes Lucy saw Bonnie at my house, and on those occasions she met Adrian and Paula. Other times, Bonnie and Lucy went out, and I always gave Lucy extra money so they could have some lunch and do something fun – go to the cinema, for example – as Bonnie was permanently broke. I often wished Bonnie would change her lifestyle and get off whatever she was on, but I didn’t say anything to her or Lucy. Bonnie clearly struggled with life, and telling her she needed to change wouldn’t have helped. I was sure she would change if she could, and hoped that one day she would.
Lucy was always slightly pensive and quiet when she returned from seeing her mother. Often she didn’t want any dinner or just picked at her meal. While her eating had improved drastically, if she was upset or worried it showed in a loss of appetite. I was still keeping an eye on Lucy’s eating, but I didn’t have the same concerns as I’d had when she’d first arrived. She’d put on some weight and was within the normal weight range for her age and height, but she’s naturally petite and slim, so she’ll never be very big. Lucy was offered counselling just before the adoption, but she refused. Entering counselling or therapy is a personal choice and the time has to be right. She knows she can go into it when she feels ready. Very touchingly, when it was mentioned she said, ‘Having my own family is my best therapy.’ Which made me tear up.
One day, when Lucy was sixteen and had been out with Bonnie, she returned home and went straight to her room. I gave her some time and then went up after her. I knocked on the door and went in. She was sitting on her bed cuddling Mr Bunny, a sure sign she had something on her mind.
‘Are you all right, love?’ I asked, going further into the room.
‘Sort of,’ she said quietly, glancing up at me.
‘Sort of isn’t good enough,’ I said, sitting on the bed. ‘I need to know you’re completely all right. Please tell me what’s wrong.’
She threw me a small sad smile and then, looking down, concentrated on Mr Bunny. ‘It’s difficult,’ she said, after a moment. ‘I’m not sure you’d understand.’
‘Try me,’ I said, touching her arm reassuringly.
She paused again and then said, ‘When I’m out with Bonnie I feel guilty that I can’t love her more. She’s my birth mother, but I don’t feel for her what I feel for you. I can’t love her as I love you, and that makes me feel guilty and unhappy sometimes.’
‘Oh love, I do understand,’ I said. ‘Perfectly. Let me try and explain something. We are not born loving our parents. We bond with those who look after us, and loving someone is part of that bond. I love you and you love me because of the time we’ve spent together and all the things we’ve done and been through together. I’ve been a mother to you and you’ve been a daughter to me, so we love each other as mother and daughter. Sadly, Bonnie was never able to give you that special mother–daughter relationship, so it’s natural that you feel differently towards her, although I know she loves you.’
‘But I feel like I’ve always been your daughter,’ Lucy said, as she’d said before. ‘Like you had me.’
‘I know. I feel the same. I couldn’t love you more if I had given birth to you. That’s how strong our bond is. But in your heart, even though you might not know it, there is a special place for Bonnie, separate from the love you feel for me. It will be different, but it will be there, so there’s no need for you to feel guilty. Bonnie understands and just wants you to be happy. That’s a very selfless love.’
Lucy was silent for a moment, and then looked at me, her expression brightening. ‘Yes, that helps. I understand,’ she said, and kissed my cheek. ‘I’ve got two mothers and it’s OK to love them differently. Thanks, Mum. I love you.’
‘I love you too.’