“Missed you at church.” Pops stood at the door of Caleb’s bedroom in his Sunday best.
Caleb lay on top of the covers, staring at the walls, still dressed up as if he had somewhere to go. “Changed my mind.”
“When I left here you were on top of the world, eager to see Kristen, halfway excited about church.”
Caleb sat up on the side of the bed, knocked over one of his polished boots. Rip lifted his head, made sure no attack was underway and lay down again. “Was.”
“Want to a talk about it?” Pops lowered himself to the only chair in the room. He looked drained.
“I changed my mind. That’s all.” No use crying over it. Pops had way more problems than a broken heart. “You should go to bed. You don’t look so hot.”
“And you don’t get dressed up like that to feed calves. Kristen looked real pretty, too.”
The vision of her had lingered in Caleb’s head all the way home. She’d looked gorgeous, shiny auburn hair swept back on one side and flowing over the shoulders of a bright blue dress. Tiptoeing up on strappy high heels to kiss another man.
“Let it go, Pops. I’m not the right guy for her. She deserves better.”
“Is that what this is all about?”
Caleb rubbed both hands over his face. They smelled of aftershave, the kind Kristen liked. “Why stick around when the writing is on the wall? She’s in another class. Educated, socially inclined, from a great family.”
“Don’t let the best thing in your life get away because you’re too prideful to take a risk. You and Kristen Andrews were made for each other.”
Dialysis must be going to Pops’s head.
“She wants someone else.”
“You know this for a fact?”
“Why wouldn’t she? He’s everything I’m not—smart, rich, good-looking, drives a Maserati.”
Pops made a huffing sound. “You saying Kristen’s not worth fighting for?”
“Of course, she is, but—”
“No buts about it, son. Don’t be a foolish, stubborn man like I was. A woman like Kristen isn’t going to choose a man for his car. She’ll choose him for his heart.”
Caleb knew that was true. It was his heart he was having trouble with. “She wants a man whose beliefs match hers.”
“You believe in God, don’t you?”
“Any fool cowboy who makes his living outdoors knows there’s a God. All he has to do is open his eyes. But I’m not sure God cares much about what happens down here.”
“If He didn’t care, He wouldn’t have sent his only Son to die in our place.”
Caleb couldn’t argue that. “But if God cares so much, why doesn’t He make you well? Or at least send you a donor?”
“Well, now, son, God never promised to do those things. He’s not a vending machine God that you can punch in a prayer and take out the answers that suit you. Fact is, faith isn’t even about getting what we want from God. It’s about trusting Him no matter what.”
Pops gripped the sides of the chair and rose. His arms trembled, a sight that tormented Caleb.
“I want you well, Pops.”
“My trust is in the Lord. Whatever He decides is fine with me. I want His decision to be fine with you, too.” The older cowboy patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t let my situation keep you from God. Or from Kristen.”
While Caleb absorbed the words, Pops walked slowly out of the room.
Caleb stuck his feet in his boots.
With Rip tagging merrily along, he made his way outside and across the mushy ground, ruining the polish on his dress boots. After a quick look at a slowpoke heifer, he checked on the orphaned calf. He could almost see Kristen sitting there, on that upturned bucket, feeding the growing animal. She’d thought it great fun and hugged the little calf, naming her Jasmine. Crazy, amazing woman. Beef ranchers didn’t name their cattle.
On the way back to the house, he stopped on the porch to stare at the stars. God was up there somewhere.
Faith isn’t even about getting what we want from God, he thought, mulling Pops’s words. It’s about trusting Him no matter what.
How could he do that? As a boy, he’d believed in Jesus, and look what that had gotten him.
A light went on in the house. Pops was in the kitchen.
“Pops,” he said softly, and another light came on, this one inside Caleb.
He’d prayed for a family and ended up with Pops, the finest man he knew. Was that God’s doing?
Suddenly, a dozen important moments in his life sprang to memory. The woman at the truck stop restaurant who’d fed him ice cream and sat with him when it was clear his mother would not return. The social worker who’d enrolled him in Pops’s mentoring program. The math teacher who’d tutored him after school. The teenage girl who’d plunked her lunch tray down beside his that first awful day at Refuge High. He’d been the only kid at the table, a stringy-haired troublemaker dying inside. Then suddenly there was the cutest cheerleader in school, befriending him, chattering away as if they were friends. And once Kristen accepted him, others followed.
Why hadn’t he seen that before?
His parents may have abandoned him, but God hadn’t. He’d put people in his path and brought him to this Christmas Eve.
“I’m a mess, Jesus,” he told the twinkling stars and the ink-black sky, “and I’m sorry about that. Sorry for being a jerk. Sorry for doubting you, for saying stupid things. I can’t promise I won’t stumble, but if you’ll help me, I’ll try to do better.”
He focused on one star, imagining God there with His only Son. Imagining all those years ago on Christmas Eve when Jesus came as a helpless baby to a world that would someday mock and kill him.
Caleb didn’t need a preacher to tell him what a marvelous gift that was. He’d only needed to open his heart.
Grateful and touched, Caleb remained beneath the heavens until his body shook with cold and Rip nudged at his hand to go inside.
Circumstances hadn’t changed. Pops was still dying. Kristen still belonged to another man. His heart still ached so badly he knew he would never heal. But deep down in his soul, Caleb finally felt at peace.
* * *
Kristen drove from the church to her apartment, but couldn’t bring herself to go inside. The service had been beautiful as always and she’d basked in the quiet reverence of the worship and remembrance of a holy night that had changed the world. But she’d been troubled, too, praying to understand what could have happened with Caleb.
His text had been terse, almost cruel. I’m not the marrying kind. It’s better to end this now. Be happy.
Was he crazy? How could she be happy after reading that? Had she so completely misunderstood him, the way she had James?
She rubbed the sharp pain beneath her breastbone. Part of her wanted to cry. Another part was concerned and still another was just plain mad. Wasn’t it bad enough that James had shown up at the church with the worst idea ever?
Something was wrong. She just knew it. Things had been wonderful between her and Caleb earlier today. What had happened in the time between?
“I’m never going to get to sleep anyway.” She grabbed her phone, shot him a text. I’m on my way over. Deal with it.
Then she put the car in Reverse and drove down some of the muddiest roads in the county to the Girard ranch. A light was on inside the house, the Christmas tree they’d decorated together visible in the window. It wasn’t that late. He was still up.
She marched to the door and lifted her hand to knock. The door opened and there stood the cowboy of her dreams, scowling.
She pushed her way right past him and went into the living room. “If you have something to say to me, say it to my face. Texting is the coward’s way.”
He stacked both hands on his hips, his expression dangerous. “You might be the only person who could get away with calling me a coward.”
She marched up to him, close enough that his eyes widened. “Why is that?”
He opened his mouth, closed it again.
“Because you love me?” There. She’d tossed down the gauntlet. If he threw it back in her face, she’d be devastated, but at least she’d know what was going on.
She yanked her coat off and tossed it on the couch. Rip nudged at her hand. She ignored him. “Talk, Caleb. I’m not leaving here until you tell me what is going on in that head of yours.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
Greg stuck his head around the end of the hallway. “Yes, you do, boy. She’s worth it. So are you. Now, get on with it. I’m going to bed.”
In seconds a door slammed, but Kristen’s focus was on Caleb.
Finally, he said, “I saw you with Maserati man.”
Oh, so that was it.
“You were there? At the church?”
“Parking lot.”
“You should have stayed.”
“I’m not that into self-punishment.”
“James was a surprise. Not a pleasant one. And I told him so.”
He shoved his hands in his pockets, unyielding. “Didn’t look that way to me.”
“You saw him kiss me. Is that it?”
“I’m not a complete fool, Kristen. He’s everything you want in a man. Brilliant, successful, charming. All the nurses were after him but you won. Those are your own words. Now the good doctor has driven all the way from Colorado to see you. It’s pretty obvious you belong together. You don’t have to play nice to save my feelings. I wish you the best.”
“Get this straight, cowboy.” She poked him in the chest. “James kissed me. I did not kiss him. His was a totally unexpected move that caught me off balance. What you saw was me holding on to keep from falling and ruining my new dress in the nasty slush.”
“He’s perfect for you, Kristen.” His voice was soft now, almost tender. “Whatever you think we have is nothing compared to what he can give you. I won’t stand in your way. You deserve him.”
She gave him a long look, her world spinning out from under her. Caleb wasn’t falling in love with her after all. But he was too kind to say so. Was that it? Was he bearing the load, letting her down easy, giving her an out through James, letting her save face by taking the blame?
She felt like a complete fool.
“I know what you’re trying to do,” she said. “But nothing you say can change the way I feel about you, the way I’ve probably always felt about you. I wish it could.”
She grabbed her coat and went to the door, defeated. Now she knew. Now she would have to forget the teenage boy who’d grown to be the man she loved.
They’d barely begun. And now it was over.
* * *
Caleb stood like a statue, his whole world crumbling around him. She’d left him. He’d known she would eventually. That was why he’d tried not to love her.
He followed her to the door, saying nothing, letting her walk out of his life, the way she should. “You were made for better things.”
She glared at him and started down the steps.
He wanted to beg her to stay. Nothing made sense without her. Not anymore.
Pops’s advice floated through him. Don’t let the best thing in your life get away because you’re too prideful to take a risk.
Blood began to pound in Caleb’s ears. He knew what risk Pops meant. The risk of rejection. It was a cancer in Caleb’s life. Always had been. The fear that he was never enough, certainly not for Kristen.
The bitter root pushed up, telling him he’d been right. She hadn’t stayed.
He pushed back. Her leaving was his fault, not hers.
“Kristen!” The word shot out, unbidden. She whirled, a shadow beyond his porch light. “Don’t go.”
Her shoulders sagged. “Give me one good reason.”
He stepped off the porch. She took a step away, eyeing him with a wounded expression.
He’d hurt her, fool that he was. Was he too late? “I messed up. I’m sorry. Forgive me.”
“For what?” Her shoulders were stiff, but her voice quavered. “Being honest enough to tell me you don’t want me?”
“Not want you? Are you crazy? I want you so much, I can’t think straight.” He clenched his fist over his heart and blurted out the words he’d longed to say for years. “I love you, Kristen. I can’t breathe without you.” His voice fell to a whisper. He reached out a hand. “Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave.”
Her face crumpled. Was she crying? In the next second, she was in his arms. He didn’t know how it happened, but he was holding her, kissing her, and she was kissing him, tears running down her cheeks. The fear inside him melted. Kristen melted him.
When they finally came up for air, he whispered, “Beautiful face. Don’t cry.”
She caught his hands with hers and asked, hurt in her tone, “Why did you send me away?”
“I shouldn’t have. It was stupid. I was afraid.”
“Of me?”
“Afraid you couldn’t really love me. Afraid that you’d come to your senses if the doc came back around. I’m not good enough for you. I know that.”
“Oh, Caleb.” She touched his cheek. “Sweet Caleb. I love you so much.”
“You deserve a guy who can buy you flowers and fancy cars and ski trips, not an uneducated cowpuncher like me.”
She gripped his chin between her fingers. “Stop it. I don’t need trips or cars or flowers. I need you.” She gave his chin a shake. “You. Caleb Girard. I. Love. You. Get used to it.”
The wonder of it overwhelmed him. “You’d choose me over him?”
“You’re twice the man he is,” she said with an indignant little huff.
He found that hard to believe.
“You know why he came here?”
“Why?”
“To tell me he had forgiven me for my behavior at the ski lodge and to ask me to move in with him. As long as I didn’t interfere with his social life. No wedding. No declarations of love. Just pack up and go to his condo and make up for lost time.”
Caleb growled low in his throat, feeling as feral as a wolf. “He said that?”
“He thought I’d be over myself by now and excited to have him back. After all, he’s a great catch, and why would I want to be stuck in this provincial little town when I could be with him?”
“He has a point.”
“He does not! And I told him so. I also told him to go home and never contact me again. I don’t love him. Never did. I just wanted to. It took coming home to you to realize what love really means.”
Something settled inside Caleb, as if his world at last was centered and right. He’d waited a lifetime for Kristen. And she was finally home, finally in his arms with love in her words and in her eyes.
Pulling her close against the cold, he gazed up at the Milky Way and whispered, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” she whispered back.
His heart was so full, his joy so complete, he laughed, lifted her off the ground and swung her in a circle. The cold air stirred around them, but Caleb was too warm inside to notice.
Kristen was laughing, her head tilted back, so that they almost missed the sound of their cell phones. Both of them. Ringing at the same time.
He grappled for his phone just as it stopped ringing. Before he could hit redial, Kristen’s eyes flashed to his, widening as she held the phone to her ear. Caleb’s pulse picked up.
When the call ended, she broke into a smile, threw her arms out wide and cried, “We’ve got a match!”
Caleb held her close, rejoicing, thanking God with such passion he thought his heart would explode.
“A miracle,” he murmured against Kristen’s coconut-scented hair.
He hadn’t believed before, but now he knew, God not only answered prayers, He sometimes answered them exactly as hoped.