Overview
When you’re driving in Los Angeles, it’s always high noon. But geography is destiny, and our mass transit options still aren’t what they could be, so we do what we must. Features peculiar to Los Angeles’s paved circulatory system include “Sigalerts” (legacy of the radio announcer Loyd C. “Sig” Sigmon, these reports warn of unusual or hazardous freeway conditions and generally mean traffic is frozen) and a rush hour that goes from 7 am to 10 am, then returns for a hydrocarbons happy hour at 3 pm and stays busy until at least 8 pm. Even as gas prices regularly scrape $4 a gallon, and commutes get longer, no one seems to be driving any less, or any better, and people haven’t stopped moving here.
The Ground Rules
1. The best offense is a good defense.
When the law says you have the right of way, don’t be so presumptuous as to expect it will be yielded to you. Driving defensively in LA is like a modern basketball game: it’s a full-on contact sport—but it’s not supposed to be. LA drivers don’t do the following: use turn signals, stay within the solid road lines, wait their turn, or concede that a few tons of steel in their way is any kind of a deterrent. Judging by the sense of urgency Los Angeles drivers often exhibit, you’d think they were all carrying transplant organs or plasma for the trauma ward in their back seats. No, they are just completely self-absorbed. Using a cell in traffic is illegal unless it’s hands-free, but it doesn’t seem to be rigorously enforced. And it’s still permissible to eat a burger, apply makeup, or engage in PDA behind the wheel. (We’ve seen it.) So keep your guard up. Accept that it’s a mess, assume that the other driver is reckless and crazy, and make defensive driving your paranoid knee-jerk reaction of choice. Knowing that the other guy was in the wrong is not going to make the call to your insurance company any sweeter.
2. Plan a route. And then prepare to abandon it.
For any given drive, there is the logical route—the shortest distance between two points, the freeway, whatever. Much like the mythical beast that is “right of way,” logic doesn’t necessarily prevail. Accidents, roadwork, gawkers, Academy Award festivities, a refrigerator in the far right lane of the highway—these can all wreak havoc on your route of choice. Just as flight attendants instruct you to locate the emergency exit nearest you, we warn you to be aware of where you are at all times as you may need to bail out quite suddenly.
The road less traveled is often a glorious alternative, stop signs or not. However, beware the inherent gamble. These options are often two-lane roads. So all it takes is a Sunday driver, or enough people willing to gamble on the same alternative, and your plan is shot. LA traffic is the Las Vegas of American gridlock. Big money—be brave.
3. Traffic reports are your holy grail.
Gone are the days of watching the morning news. No one has the time. To help with the Sigalerts, we have www.sigalert.com. That’s instant traffic updates the second before you’re out the door. For on-the-go info, the radio is key. The young might lay claim to their indie rock stations and the post-graduates and middle-aged might have faith in NPR, but the truly erudite LA driver always switches over to the AM for traffic. 1070 AM has upwards of 6 traffic reports an hour. Yes, it may sound like the signal has traveled forward in time from the seventies, but their reports are comprehensive. They’re not just aimed at those commuting from outside of LA and they’re actually helpful. So get ready to multi-task and embrace the wonder of mixed media. You’re not in Kansas anymore.
4. Keep your Thomas Guide within reach.
If you’ve been driving that old hunk o’ junk since before the advent of smartphones and Google Maps, you might still have a trusty Thomas Guide trapping crumbs on the floor of your back seat. That said, the Thomas Guide is undeniably an incredible resource, especially when driving in the hills, where reception can be spotty. It’s extremely detailed, and if it isn’t in the guide, it’s not in LA. However, this bulky book looks and feels like a city schematic, and it might as well be a life-size map of LA that has been cut into little rectangles and bound together in no particular order. While it’s not difficult to use, it doesn’t possess any definite logic. The old adage that you know you’re an Angeleno when you can drive and use your Thomas Guide at the same time is truly the motto of the reckless, law-breaking, and accident-prone LA driver. So, if you want to keep your insurance rates down, plan ahead, keep the Thomas Guide at home, and find something more manageable for the car. Like, I don’t know . . . your NFT guide? Or at least pull over before you break out that giant tome.
5. Make your left turns, do not let the left turns make you.
Nothing can mess up your progress across town—or, seemingly, in life-—quite like waiting to make a left. You’d think you were on an organ transplant waiting list. Two problems here: not enough left turn arrows to go around (on some kind of endangered species list, apparently), and the major thoroughfares are functioning at 110% capacity (with no arrow, you ain’t getting across). How many thousands of hours are lost collectively every day by drivers in Los Angeles waiting to go left onto Third Street from Normandie? From Fairfax onto Wilshire (and that’s with an arrow)? From Cahuenga onto Sunset? We may never know. Though it does explain why the unwritten Law of LA Left Turns that says that ‘two cars get to turn on yellow.
Take control of the turns by taking advantage of other traffic lights. For example: say you’re heading west on Sixth Street and need to make the left onto La Brea. This is a sad task, particularly in the morning. Knowing there are traffic lights to assist you, you could instead make a left on Sycamore (one block before La Brea), cross Wilshire at the light, turn right on Eighth Street, and then make your left onto La Brea with the aid of yet another light. By not trying to wait out La Brea and Sixth, you have also avoided having to pass through the dense mass of vehicles at La Brea and Wilshire. If you can turn left onto a side street without a light and return to your desired street for a left turn with less congestion, this will also help. Also, if you can pass your street and turn left into a side street or parking lot, you can turn around, make two easy rights and be on your street as the line builds at the left turn signal you left far far behind. Repeat these often enough and you will find yourself early to appointments and with more free time than you know what to do with. Think like a champ.
6. Mind those yellow lights going red.
Simple, but true. First, there’s the obvious risk of injury or death to you or your vehicle. But even worse, these days, your chances of getting caught by the law are increasing. More and more intersections are monitored by cameras, which take surprisingly clear photos of you smiling like the cat that caught the canary. The good thing is that they’re required to post signs warning you of the cameras. The bad thing is that the ticket arrives in the mail a few days later; the fine varies depending upon which city’s law you’ve violated. But if you do get popped, fear not: since being overwhelmed with derelict red light tickets, LA County is no longer pursuing unpaid photo tickets. It’s only a matter of time before they send an embossed sleeve for your pic, as if the light at Sunset & La Cienega might as well be the newest coaster at Magic Mountain.
7. You’re never really lost in LA.
As long as you know where the hills are, you’ll always be able to orient yourself and drive in the right direction. If you’re in the Valley, the hills can always be found to the south. On the LA side of Mulholland, the hills are always to your north.
8. All bets are off when it rains.
Even with all the rain LA got last winter, a mere sprinkle still sends LA drivers into a tailspin, leaving accidents in its wake and taking the lead story on the nightly news. You’d think they hadn’t seen rain in 20 years, but apparently a dry LA summer does the trick. Santa Anas can make a light shower out of large-scale sprinkler systems, too. Proceed with extreme caution.
Shortcuts
Everybody has discovered at least one shortcut, of which they’re extremely proud. Often, they keep these shortcuts even from their children and spouses. The discovery of a shared shortcut can develop a bond that no frat or Masons lodge could ever hope to match. Like knowing where the traffic lights are, there is no way to function in LA without them. Here are a few recommendations. Keep them more secret than we did.
Downtown
• Avoid the most congested part of the 110: Beaudry to the west and Figueroa to the east offer good alternatives.
• When heading east into downtown, try a more peripheral approach via Second Street or Olympic Boulevard.
Across Town
• Pico is better than Wilshire. Olympic is better than Pico. Venice is better than Olympic. Washington trumps all of them.
• Strangely, when going through Hollywood, Hollywood Boulevard itself is preferable to Sunset and can be preferable to Franklin, which backs up at Highland.
• Wilshire Boulevard through Beverly Hills into Westwood can coagulate badly. San Vicente-to-Sunset, and Burton-to-Little Santa Monica-to-Beverly Glen work well as alternates.
• Though Santa Monica Boulevard is actually a highway (the 2), it is not for cross-town trips, particularly through Hollywood/West Hollywood. Years ago, when asked what advice she had for young actors in Hollywood, Bette Davis is said to have replied, “Take Fountain, dahhling.” And what do you know? She’s still right—even with the stop signs and the zig-zag around LeConte Junior High.
North-South
• Normandie moves pretty well between Koreatown and Los Feliz, as does Hillhurst/Virgil. When these are bad, a good short cut is Wilton/Arlington/Van Ness. Wilton hits Arlington at Olympic and then Van Ness at Slauson. This covers a lot of territory with fewer conniptions.
• Hauser and Cochran move way faster than La Brea, Fairfax, and Crescent Heights. Hauser can be used with Martel and then a short jog west to Gardner at Willoughby to get all the way to Franklin.
• Robertson is preferable to La Cienega. Just about everything is preferable to La Cienega.
Westside/Santa Monica
• 23rd Street morphs into Walgrove, getting you to Venice and points south in no time.
• Unfortunately, Santa Monica is something of a fox hole. Getting out is never easy. The 10 east is always bad, and Century City just makes things difficult with the larger buildings and shopping center drawing more traffic. Pico at times feels begrudgingly like your best bet. If you can jog south, try Palms. You’ll be surprised.
• If you’re trying to head north out of Santa Monica to the Valley, good luck. Head east on Montana, take that to Westgate just past San Vincente and head up to Sunset. Sunset takes you over the 405. This way you can check it out and see how bad it is. If necessary, turn around and head back to Sepulveda.
• Heading south from Beverly Hills, Beverwil to Castle Heights to Palms to Walgrove comes in handy.
• Carmelita in Beverly Hills is amazing. It picks up by Melrose and drops off at Wilshire. Even with the stop signs it will save you a lot of time, or at the bare minimum will get you away from Santa Monica. You can also jump on it heading south on Beverly to get to Wilshire and skip the Wilshire/Santa Monica intersection.
• National Boulevard is a strange and beautiful thing. Almost as strange as San Vicente. If you figure it out, drop us a note.
The Valley
• Moorpark and Riverside can pull through for you when the 101 and Ventura Boulevard fail you (and oh, they will).
• You’ll save a lot of time by taking north-south roads that don’t provide access to the 101. Whitsett and Colfax are underappreciated wonders–and usually allow easier left turns as well.
• When coming into the Valley on Beverly Glen and planning on heading back east, you can avoid the back up leading up to and on Ventura by taking Valley Vista. You can cut back to Ventura at several points or reconnect with it just before Coldwater Canyon.
• The Hollywood Freeway (the 170) can also help you, particularly if the 101/134 split is heavy.
Getting To and From the Valley
There are several options when traveling between the San Fernando Valley and points south, and none of them are especially attractive.
• The 405 too often turns into a parking lot. You might try Sepulveda Boulevard instead. Nice slalom effect on light days. When used in conjuction with the 405, this nice tag-team effort can sometimes save you some time.
• The 101 can be a terror in its own right. If you get on at Highland, as is the case when coming from Hollywood, Hancock Park, and the surrounding areas, you find yourself in the left-hand lane—with the rest of traffic moving at the speed of the Autobahn. If Burbank is your destination, you suddenly find yourself with only about 500 yards to cross no fewer than five lanes of traffic to exit at Barham Boulevard—a true test of one’s driving mettle. Screenwriter/playwright Roger Kumble wrote in his play Pay or Play that there are two kinds of Angelenos, “101 People” and “Cahuenga People.” Cahuenga people shy away from this act of bravado and prefer to drive the service road over the hill. Funny enough, he doesn’t bother to categorize those smart enough to take whichever will get them to Point B faster.
• The Canyon roads all have their supporters and detractors. Those who opt for these routes over the highways are steadfast in their beliefs and stay true to their Canyon road of choice, but still, one must cop to the fact that the east/west positioning of the roads will often determine which one would be the best for you to use. That said: Laurel Canyon becomes less viable daily and recently has been partially rerouted due to mudslides. Coldwater Canyon backs up just about as easily. Benedict Canyon requires a little finessing. Beverly Glen is the user-friendliest of the four (Tyrone in Sherman Oaks runs into it at Ventura). Just like the highways, these roads improve greatly the earlier you can get to them. The increase in traffic from 7 am to 7:15 am is astounding.
The Freeways
When the freeway is moving and the weather is dry, Los Angeles is a beautiful place, and you never want to leave. The other 90% of the time, you fantasize about moving to San Francisco. Or about hurting someone. Where is the flashing highway marquee from LA Story when you need it? “LA wants to help you.” If only . . .
Here’s the thing: all freeways are not created equal and the 405 is the most unequal of all. Avoid it whenever possible, at least within a ten-mile radius of LAX. If it’s at all convenient, La Cienega Boulevard is preferable as a north-south route. Heading south from Hollywood, La Cienega will actually lead you directly onto the 405, south of the airport, allowing you to overshoot the most common delays.
The 101 is also confusing. It’s a north/south road, because its ultimate destination is Northern California, yet it crosses the San Fernando Valley in an east/west direction. The 101 is known as the Hollywood Freeway, at least while you’re in Hollywood and Downtown. Once you reach the Valley, the 101 splits off toward Santa Barbara and becomes the Ventura Freeway. If you want to continue on the Hollywood Freeway, you must opt for the 170. Confused yet? Meanwhile, the 134 is known as the Ventura Freeway between I. 5 and I. 2, until it hooks up with the 101, which then becomes the Ventura Freeway. This is the best illustration we know for why the names of freeways are relatively meaningless here in LA.
Though not technically a freeway, the Pacific Coast Highway deserves special mention here. It’s one of the most picturesque thoroughfares in LA, running—as its name implies—alongside the Pacific Coast. However, the PCH is plagued by mudslides, brushfires, and floods during the rainy season and often closed to traffic, stranding Malibu residents or forcing them to backtrack inland to pick up the 101. We guess that’s the price you pay for beachfront property. (Speaking of beach: the shortest distance between Hollywood and Malibu is the 101 to Malibu Canyon. Period.)
Depending on where you are starting from and where you are going, the 2 and 210 Freeways may save you a lot of time by keeping you out of more congested parts of the city. Just beware of the 2 as it crawls through Echo Park on Alvarado Street.
A note on the freeway on-ramps: while most on-ramps are clearly mapped out, LA is rather fond of sketching out the path to a few of their ramps in a circuitous, unclear route that’s less turn-left-for-north-and-right-for-south and more Where’s Waldo? Just breathe. You’ll figure it out, and make a mental note for next time.
DMV Locations
800-777-0133; www.dmv.ca.gov; Hours: Mon–Tues: 8 am–5 pm; Wed: 9 am–5 pm; Thurs–Fri: 8 am–5 pm. Many DMV offices are open the third Saturday each month from 8 am–12 pm. Check the website for details.
The Department of Motor Vehicles in California handles vehicle registrations, driving records, identification cards, and everything to do with driver’s licenses—as well as a cornucopia of other logistical, vehicle-related things almost equally as fascinating as the ones listed here. Thanks to our complete dependency on our vehicles, the department manages to dredge up a whopping $5.9 billion in revenue every year. (Maybe we’re in the wrong business . . .) Much like the freeways they help populate, the DMV always involves long lines and much waiting. The DMV may be the LCD that LA needs; no amount of glam factor will ingratiate you with the broken-yet-still-somehow-not-wretched clerks. You can make an appointment via phone or their website and we highly recommend that you do. Some locations don’t process registration issues, so make sure to check before you have to give up a great parking spot only to have to schlep to a sister location. We’d say that multiple trips to the DMV is like salt in the wounds, but, really, nothing is like multiple trips to the DMV.