Standing outside Aiden’s office in Ealing makes me feel as though no time has passed. As if it could just be one of those evenings when I’d come to meet him after I left the school, and we’d both share our days with each other. When I was training to teach, my tutor told us that nobody understood the life of a teacher like another teacher, but he was wrong. Aiden always understood. He got it when I’d had a hard day and needed to offload, and he’d listen while I’d sometimes talk for hours about something I was struggling with. Yet now things couldn’t be more different, and I am the last person he will want to see waiting for him.
With no idea what time he’ll leave the building, I sit on a wall in the car park, hoping he still leaves at around six p.m., just as he used to. I’m prepared to wait all night if I have to.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’
Aiden is marching towards me, his face red and his eyes slits of pure anger.
Quickly I stand. ‘Can we just talk? That’s all I’m asking.’
He stops when he reaches me. ‘Over two years. You turn up after this long and think we can just talk? Leave me alone, Eve, I’ve got nothing to say to you.’
He’s about to walk off but I grab his arm. The feel of him is alien to me now, even after all our years together; it could be a stranger I’m grabbing hold of. He swipes his arm away but I have to believe that somewhere, deep inside him, is the man who once loved me. Or at the very least, a man who will want some answers.
The scowl on his face distorts him, makes him a stranger. ‘What do you want? You must want something after all this time, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. So what is it?’ I have never heard Aiden speak this aggressively.
‘I just want to talk. Please. Just give me a few minutes of your time.’
‘You know you don’t deserve that, don’t you?’ His eyes bore into me.
‘I’m Kayla’s mother and I won’t go away. Don’t you think it’s better if we can just talk?’
Aiden sighs and his skin reddens. He wasn’t often stressed, but on the few occasions when I witnessed it, his face would do exactly this. Some things never change. ‘How did you get here?’ he asks.
‘I got the Tube, why?’
‘I need a bloody drink. There’s a bar a short walk from here.’ He stalks off, not once turning back to check whether or not I’m following.
While Aiden gets the drinks, I find a table and sink into a chair. Every inch of my body is pulsating with anxiety, but at least he’s agreed to talk to me. This is progress.
He sits down, and it hits me that nothing I say will be good enough, no apology big enough, to make any amends for what I did. I try to explain this to him.
‘Why?’ he asks. ‘That’s what I’ve been asking myself all this time. Why would you do it? Especially after everything we went through before finally having her.’ He lifts his drink and stares at it, swilling it around. ‘All this time I thought there must be another man, even though I couldn’t believe you’d ever do that to me. To anyone. Sophie assured me there wasn’t. And at least she can be trusted. So that just leaves a big fat question mark.’
‘I left because I couldn’t handle it, Aiden. My life. Any of it.’
He stares at me, clearly disgusted. ‘You wanted a baby more than anything. Four miscarriages, Eve. All that grief. I don’t understand.’
And you never fully will. Because all I can do is give you just enough to hope that you will have a small inkling of an idea why I had to go. The rest is too monstrous, too toxic to share with anyone.
I look around and this place is full of people enjoying the company of others, engrossed in casual, light-hearted conversations. I’m willing to bet nobody is discussing anything as dark and twisted as Aiden and I are.
‘I know it was awful, and I live with that knowledge every single day.’ I wish I could add that it follows me around, hovers over me like a thick cloud about to burst and there’s no shelter from it. Maybe it would help Aiden get inside my head, but I only say, ‘I had to leave, Aiden. I just couldn’t stay. Not then. I’m not here to make excuses, just to see if we can move forward somehow.’
He picks up his glass and takes another long swig of what looks like gin or vodka. ‘That’s not an answer. I have no words for you. If only you knew what a beautiful, amazing little girl Kayla is. You left her without a mother, and whatever your reasons, that’s unforgivable. I’m just glad she doesn’t remember you. She knows nothing about you.’ He turns away from me, cannot bear to look me in the eye.
‘I understand why—’
‘You don’t understand anything, Eve.’ He raises his voice, and an elderly couple seated near us turn to stare. Oblivious to their frowns, Aiden continues. ‘What do you want? To have Kayla back? Well, that’s not going to happen. There’s no way I’ll let you do any more damage to her, just because you suddenly feel ready to be a mother. It’s two years too late for that.’ More people turn to stare at us.
‘I know I hurt you,’ I tell him, my own voice barely more than a whisper; I’m hoping if I speak quietly then he will do the same. ‘Tell me what I can do to make things right. Please. I’ll do anything.’
‘There’s only one thing that will make things better. Staying away from us. Will you do that?’ Now he does look at me, fixing his eyes on me in a staring contest.
‘I… I need to see her, Aiden. Please. There must be a way we can work this all out. I’m not trying to take her away from you, but can I just see her?’ I have never begged for anything before but here I am, laying my soul on the line.
He shakes his head and downs the rest of his drink. ‘I’m going to the toilet.’
I hope that while he’s gone he’ll see sense in agreeing to my request. I check my phone to pass the time. Maya has only just replied to the text I sent her earlier, assuring me she’s fine. Then almost immediately she sends another message, asking if she can come for a session tomorrow afternoon. I reply yes to this and am about to follow up to ask if she’s sure she’s okay when Aiden returns.
‘I need some fresh air,’ he says. Once again, with no invitation for me to follow, he stalks off.
My heart sinks. He needs more time, and even though time is something I cannot afford to give him, for all our sakes, I know that pushing him might mean I lose Kayla for good. I’ve been fully prepared to go to extreme measures to get her back but having Aiden on my side is the much better option. Gathering my jacket and bag, I head after him. He walks so fast that by the time I’ve got outside he’s already crossing the road.
‘Aiden, wait!’
He turns around. ‘I can’t do this, Eve. I… don’t know how to do this.’
And then he is gone, leaving me behind. ‘Just let me see my daughter!’ I scream into the night, but there is no reply.