‘Are you okay, miss?’
I turn to Maya, who is chewing the end of her pen and staring at me instead of working on her essay plan as she’d been doing before my thoughts pulled me away from here. I’ve been picturing myself last night, standing outside Aiden’s house once again – only metres away from my daughter – so close to hammering on that door. In the end I couldn’t go through with it. I don’t know what I will do yet, all I know is that it’s already taking too long, the situation getting more desperate.
I force a smile. ‘I’m fine, Maya. How’s that essay plan going?’
‘You just look… pale? Yellow. Sick or something.’
She won’t be used to seeing me without make-up on; every day I make some effort, even if nobody is going to see me. Today, though, I just couldn’t face it. I assure Maya I’m fine, but she continues to stare at me, frowning, trying to work out what’s going on.
‘I think I’ve finished,’ she says after a few minutes, sliding her paper across to me.
‘Okay, good.’ I stare at her neat round writing but the words just blur into each other. She hasn’t written enough for the question to have been properly addressed, but I will deal with that later. ‘We can go through it all next session.’ I place it in my folder. ‘You said you wanted to talk to me. Is this about what I saw yesterday?’
She hangs her head. ‘That was Connor. I told him I can’t keep this baby, and he kicked off, right in the street in front of everyone. It was awful!’
I knew Maya was unsure about her pregnancy, and yet hearing her say this with such conviction is a shock. I must respect her decision, though, and I, more than most people, know what she could face if she has this baby without being one hundred per cent sure. And even if she is sure, there are no guarantees about anything.
‘Do you think I’m a terrible person? To not want it?’
‘No, not at all. As I’ve said before, this decision has to be yours, nobody else can tell you what to do. You have to do what’s right for you, Maya.’ These words are flowing from my mouth, but my head is screaming at her to give this baby a chance, that one day she might regret her decision.
The relief on her face shows me just how much she doesn’t want this baby, that nothing will sway her, and that she is desperate for someone to be in her corner. ‘Connor just doesn’t get it. He thinks we can do it and live happily ever after. He told me it’s wrong to have a termination. That it’s murder.’
‘Well, people have different opinions about it, but it’s your body. He is the father, though, Maya, so maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on him?’ Like I was on Aiden, not giving him a choice in anything.
‘I tried to talk it through properly and tell him exactly how I felt, and he seemed okay to start with, but then he changed his mind and went bat-shit crazy.’ She smacks her mouth. ‘Oh, sorry for swearing.’
‘Have you talked to your parents yet?’
‘No. I’m not keeping the baby, so they don’t need to know. That would just mean two more people trying to force me to keep it. I don’t need that pressure, miss. I want to travel this summer. Visit places other than London. There’s a huge world out there and so far I’ve seen none of it. How can I do that if I have this baby?’
‘Like I said, you have to do what’s right for you. I can’t agree with you not telling your parents, though.’
‘I’m eighteen, miss, I’m not a kid.’
‘I know that, and it’s up to you who you tell. Look, maybe you shouldn’t be talking to me about this? I’m your tutor. I don’t know if it’s appropriate.’ It’s too late to tell her this now – you are already involved.
Her eyes widen, and for a second she looks like a young child, not someone who should be weighing up the choice about becoming a mother. ‘You said you’d help me.’
‘I know, Maya, and I meant it. I’ll support you in any way I can,’ I tell her.
‘Then can you please just listen to me and let me talk?’
‘Yes, of course,’ I say, because what else can I do? ‘So have you spoken to Connor since the argument?’
She shakes her head. ‘He’s been messaging me loads but I haven’t replied. I just feel like I need to be left alone a bit. Like this is my problem to deal with.’
‘Okay. You’re not worried about what he’ll do, are you?’
‘No, he wouldn’t try to hurt me or anything. He’s not like that.’
I tell her I’m glad to hear that, and she begins clearing away her things. ‘I’ve actually found a clinic and have an appointment next week. I just want this done before my exams.’ Her words are so cold and clinical. Is that how I was when I decided to leave? Is that how I had to be?
The exams are looming. And after that Maya will no longer need tutoring.
‘Please be sure,’ I say to her as she leaves. ‘That’s all I ask.’
‘If you think about it, miss – how can we ever be really sure about any huge decision we make? There’s always that alternative road, isn’t there? I’ve been thinking about this. It’s like there are two of me. One is going off to university to study for her degree, while the other one is going to be a young mum. They’re both valid choices, aren’t they? I just have to make one decision and stick with it. That’s all I can do.’
She waves goodbye and leaves me standing at my door, watching her head down the street. Although I admire her ability to think philosophically about this, I call her name, planning to tell her that she’s wrong, that there is a third option, one where she gets to do both things. She doesn’t hear me and disappears around the corner before I can call her name again.
There is no way I can let Maya make a mistake like my own. I quickly grab my trainers from the hallway, not bothering to tie the laces.
Rushing outside, I don’t notice the woman walking towards me until I’ve rammed into her, almost sending her crashing to the ground. Her large handbag flies from her shoulder and lands on the pavement, scattering some of the contents.
‘I’m so sorry, I—’ My words stop short when I take in the familiar features of this woman.
Nicole Richardson.
And she’s outside my flat, scooping down to gather up her belongings.
She looks up at me, her bright blue eyes huge and kind, showing no annoyance at the fact that I’ve nearly knocked her over. ‘Please don’t worry, I should have moved out of the way when I saw you rushing.’ She smiles. ‘You’re Eve, aren’t you?’
I only manage a nod; shock has rendered me speechless.
‘I’m Nicole, Aiden’s partner. I’m so sorry to turn up like this but do you think we could talk?’ Standing up, she pulls her bag back onto her shoulder. ‘I know this is a bit of a shock,’ she says, ‘and I really hope it’s okay that Sophie gave me your address. Please don’t be angry with her, she was just trying to help after the state Aiden was in last night when she came over.’ She pauses and takes a deep breath. ‘Basically, I’m here because all that matters is Kayla’s well-being. We all need to do what’s right for her, don’t we? I’ve gone over this in my mind and I can’t see how keeping you away from her will be good for her in the long run. Aiden doesn’t agree, and I totally understand his feelings, but, well, Kayla has to come first here.’
I stare at this woman, convinced I must be mistaken. This can’t be Nicole Richardson – Aiden’s new partner and the woman who has been raising my daughter – standing here telling me that I shouldn’t be prevented from seeing Kayla. I turn to look in the direction Maya left, of course she is long gone now, and half expect to be alone when I turn back.
But Nicole is still there, right in front of me. And even though I’ve already seen her from a distance, and her picture on Facebook, close up she is nothing like I’ve imagined. Her long hair is much lighter – almost a reddish blonde – and she’s taller than I assumed she’d be, at least two inches taller than me. We are nothing alike. Clearly Aiden doesn’t have a type. Either that or he’s made a conscious effort to find someone who bears no resemblance to me.
It takes me a few moments to gather my thoughts, and now that I have, the main thing running through my head is that this woman is the key to bringing Kayla and me together.
I smile to show her my gratitude. ‘Does Aiden know you’ve come?’
She shakes her head. ‘No. And I really don’t like lying to him, but there’s too much at stake here – mainly Kayla’s well-being – so I had to weigh up my choices.’ She glances up at my building. ‘Look, I’m a complete stranger so I’m sure you don’t want me in your flat. Is there somewhere near here we could go and talk?’
‘There’s a park a few minutes away with an outdoor café area. It’s not usually busy during the week. We could go there?’
‘Perfect,’ Nicole says. ‘And thank you for talking to me.’
‘No, it’s me who should be thanking you,’ I say as we walk. ‘This situation is just… well, difficult is putting it too mildly, so I appreciate you talking to me. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you meet Aiden?’
She hesitates, and I wonder if I’ve crossed a line. ‘We met at his work,’ she says. ‘I was on a long-term temporary contract there as a PA to the managing director. It’s a funny place there, people aren’t too friendly, so I was always having lunch on my own. Until Aiden took pity on me and sat with me one afternoon.’ She smiles, clearly recalling a positive memory. ‘I suppose we just hit it off, and I was eternally grateful that he’d made working there a bit more bearable. I mean, it’s fine if you’re at the top like Aiden, but I was just a temp and clearly at the bottom of the heap, so wasn’t worthy of anyone’s time. Even my own boss made no effort to make me feel comfortable.’
That sounds just like Aiden. He never liked to see anyone lonely or unhappy. I almost say this to Nicole but don’t want her to think I still have any residual feelings for him. She needs to know that all I’m interested in is seeing my daughter. And quickly.
‘I’m glad he found you,’ I say, meaning every word.
Her forehead creases. ‘Thanks. Anyway, it was quite a long time before we got together. He just wasn’t looking for a relationship, and neither was I.’ She pauses. ‘No, I definitely wasn’t but that’s another story. Well, eventually Aiden and I were just such good friends and it felt so natural for our relationship to progress.’ She slows down and turns to me. ‘Sorry, I’m sure you don’t want to hear all this.’
‘I’m just grateful we can talk. Aiden was not ready, or able, to hear anything I had to say. I do understand but I need him to give me a chance.’
She nods. ‘Well, it’s not going to be easy. None of this is. Is that the park? I could really do with a drink. It’s so warm, isn’t it? Funny, we moan all winter for a bit of sun and a decent summer, and then as soon as we get one we complain that it’s too hot.’
As I listen to her talking, somehow, despite everything, I think I like this woman.
Nicole offers to buy us drinks, but I rush forward to the counter. ‘No, I insist. This is the least I can do.’
She asks for an orange juice while I opt for a mineral water.
‘Please don’t think I let Kayla drink juice,’ she says. ‘It’s strictly water at home and only juice as an occasional treat when we’re out.’
‘You really don’t have to explain anything like that to me,’ I tell her, but I’m pleased that she has. ‘I can tell she’s a healthy and happy little girl.’
Nicole frowns, and I immediately realise my error. I could try and cover it up but I won’t lie to her, especially not after she’s making this effort. ‘I should explain. I saw you with her going to the park the other day. I was never going to approach her but I’d just gone to your house, just to see where she was living. It was purely coincidental that you were both heading to the park at that time. I really hope you believe that. I just… needed to see some part of her life, to feel close to her in some way. There’s no way I would have introduced myself.’
Any minute now she will stand up to leave, tell me I need to get some help. Instead, though, Nicole turns to me. ‘I do understand that, Eve. I may not have children of my own yet but I can imagine that bond you must have as a mother never goes away. No matter what. You’ll get no judgement from me. I just want what’s best for Kayla. And Aiden, of course.’
We make our way to an empty table and bench.
‘Sophie explained a lot to me,’ Nicole says as we sit down. ‘And she really defended you when Aiden was refusing to hear anything, so I know you had your reasons for leaving. I respect Sophie a lot, and I’ve come to think of her as friend, so I know she wouldn’t take your side without good reason. Not when we’ve become so close.’
I’m surprised to hear this. Sophie led me to believe that they weren’t in a great deal of contact, but I can’t hold it against her for playing their friendship down. ‘I know how it looks to other people, and how it is. I did a terrible thing by walking out on my baby and nothing will justify that, but all I can do now is try to make up for it, and I’ll do whatever I can to put things right. I’m fully aware that it’s not something that can be easily fixed, but if we can all just communicate then maybe we’ll find a way?’ As I say this, I realise how many times I’ve had to repeat those words in the last few days.
She sighs. ‘I can’t make you any promises but I’ll try to talk to Aiden.’
‘Maybe he just needs some more time?’ I suggest. ‘This has all come out of the blue and must be a bit of a shock for him. You know him better than I do now. Do you think he’ll come around?’
Nicole curls her lip. ‘He’s a reasonable man, so I would say, yes. Just give him a bit of time.’
‘Thank you. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you’re willing to help me for Kayla’s sake. It’s more than I could ever have expected.’
‘My mum always used to say to me, “Be kind to other people – that’s the most important thing in life, then everything else will just fall into place.” Kind of like karma, I suppose. I try to put out into the universe what I’d like to get back, and that’s to be treated with kindness.’ She stares into the distance. ‘Unfortunately, sometimes it doesn’t always work, but, hey, we can’t control other people’s actions, can we?’
As I study this woman, it’s hard to believe that anyone would treat her with anything other than kindness. It might be understandable if I, in particular, felt something negative towards her, when she is a woman who knows my daughter inside and out, more than I ever will. Right now, though, all I feel towards her is warmth and gratitude. Being here shows that she must really love Kayla.
‘You’re taking a risk, Nicole. If Aiden finds out you’ve come to see me then he’d… well, I can only imagine being betrayed is not something he deals with well. I’m grateful you’re trying to help but perhaps I should just try to get through to him on my own. I don’t want this wrecking your relationship.’
Nicole smiles. ‘Thanks, but I’m doing this because it’s what I believe in, even though it’s not going to be easy for Aiden, or me. Kayla needs to have you in her life, so I’ll do my best to help Aiden see that. As I said before, I can’t make you any promises but I’ll try.’
‘Thank you.’
She reaches into her bag and pulls out her mobile. ‘Would you like to see some pictures of Kayla?’
My eyes widen. ‘Really? Are you sure?’
She nods. ‘The only thing is, I might be in a lot of them with her, but if you’re okay with that? I do love a selfie!’
There’s no space in my head to wonder how I feel about this – I can only focus on seeing my daughter.
Nicole begins tapping the screen. She stares at it for a few moments, swiping sideways before finally holding it up to me. ‘Here she is. Isn’t she beautiful?’
I stare at the picture and my body seems to fill with joy and pain simultaneously. In the photo I’m looking at, Kayla’s dressed in a red pinafore dress and is throwing her head back and laughing at something. Looking at her, I am overwhelmed with the feeling that she is my baby, yet she also feels like a complete stranger. As though she could belong to anyone.
Nicole swipes the screen and a new photo appears – in this one she is there with Kayla, their faces pressed together, both of them pulling goofy expressions. This time I feel the physical pain as though I’m being stabbed through the chest. I lean forward, hoping Nicole won’t notice anything is wrong. I can’t let her think this is a problem for me, not when she’s doing so much to help.
‘She’s such a happy child.’ This is all I can manage to say.
Nicole puts her phone in her bag. ‘I know this must be hard for you, and to be honest, it’s a little weird for me too.’
‘Yes, it must be. You’ve been bringing her up for around a year so she must feel like…’
‘Like she’s mine?’ She pauses. ‘I don’t try and pretend she is or anything like that, but when you spend every day with someone and are responsible for their well-being, well, it’s hard not to get attached.’
I nod, even though the weight of her words crushes me. Of course it would be like this; how could it be any other way?
‘Also, I’m so sorry to say this but it’s better if I just come out with it.’
Every part of me wants her to stop. To not say whatever it is she’s about to. Ignorance is supposed to be bliss, isn’t it?
‘I’m really sorry but Kayla calls me mummy.’