How is it possible to feel so alone when this shopping centre is full of people? I glance at Kayla, lying on her back in her pram, and know with certainty that this is worse than loneliness. Being here alone would allow me to browse the shops. Or have a coffee and read a book. I wouldn’t feel lonely; I’d feel at peace. But I’m not alone and I have a baby who needs me for every single thing, who relies on me.
Kayla didn’t ask to be here; she is innocent in all of this. It’s my fault, all down to my choices. She stares back at me and produces a vague smile, but this loving gesture does nothing to penetrate the numbness. Perfunctorily taking care of her physical needs is all I can give her.
As desperate for a coffee as I am, for a kick of caffeine to help me feel at least something, there is no way I can stop pushing this pram for long enough to sit down. I’ve seen other mums relaxing in coffee shops while their babies sit happily on their knees, or in their prams – but not Kayla. No, I have to keep her moving.
I only ventured out today because she wouldn’t sleep anywhere, even in my arms. But now I’m here, and for the last hour I’ve been pacing up and down the shopping centre, and Kayla still won’t sleep.
Please, I silently beg. Please just close your eyes and fall asleep, and then maybe – just maybe – I will dare to nip into Costa and order a latte. Extra strong.
Of course she doesn’t, and as I wander up and down, shedding tears for myself, and for Kayla, it strikes me that I am the only person here on my own.
The lift opens as I walk past it and I stop and stare through the glass door. Just for a second – a fraction of a second – I picture myself pushing Kayla into it and sending it up while I stay down here and walk away. She would be safe. Someone would find her.
I am a monster.
I turn around to see if anyone is watching me, if anyone could tell what I’ve just imagined doing – but nobody is looking. Everyone is minding their own business.
And that’s when I see him. He’s walking away from me, and I only have a view of his back, but it’s definitely him.
Quickly, I turn and push the buggy in the other direction.
‘You can’t avoid me forever!’ Sophie says, making her way into the house. ‘I’ve been desperate to see this little one. Come here, give her to me.’ She eases Kayla from my arms and holds her out in front of her to have a good look. ‘She’s beautiful, Eve. She looks just like Aiden. And you, of course. She’s definitely got his mouth, hasn’t she?’
‘Do you think so?’
‘Oh, yeah. Now, you get the kettle on while I entertain this one.’
It’s only five o’clock and I’m already in my pyjamas, but Sophie doesn’t seem to have noticed. She’s too smitten with Kayla to pay attention to how I’m dressed.
‘So, where’s that husband of yours?’ she asks, following me into the kitchen.
‘Working late. Not back until around nine tonight.’
‘Why didn’t you say? I could have stayed and cooked you dinner. Only I told Damien I’d just be popping out for an hour, so he decided last minute to meet up with his friends tonight.’
I tell Sophie not to worry, that actually I’m quite tired. ‘Think I’m coming down with something.’ I never thought I’d be able to lie to Sophie, but now it happens with ease. ‘That’s why I’m wearing these.’ I tug at my pyjama bottoms, and Sophie laughs.
‘I didn’t notice!’ she says. ‘That’s not like me. Anyway, you take this little one back, and I’ll make the drinks. You do look a bit pale actually.’
‘I’ll be okay. Why don’t I make the coffee and you can cuddle Kayla? You have just been complaining that you never get to see her.’
‘True. I’m happy with that.’ She strokes Kayla’s cheek. ‘I really miss these early days, when they’re just so… cuddly. Strange, isn’t it? Before I had the twins I was never a baby person. Now I’d love to go back and have those newborn days again.’
This couldn’t be further from my own feelings. I would give anything to be out of this fog, and Sophie would happily relive it with her twins. This woman is my best friend, yet I’m now struggling to find any common ground with her. Of course it would be this way, everything’s changed. Your life is no longer anything like hers, even though you are both mothers.
‘How are things at school?’ I ask. It’s a lifetime ago since I was there, and when I go back I will walk through those doors a different person.
Sophie raises her eyes. ‘Oh, nothing ever changes, does it? I love being in the classroom but the planning and marking is still a grind. And it’s hard being away from the boys so much of the time.’ She looks around. ‘Got to keep paying the mortgage, though.’
Another glaring difference between us. I would give anything to be working again, to be able to leave this house for a few hours every day. To focus on my students instead of my own pain. I haven’t told Sophie my plan yet; perhaps I hadn’t even confirmed it in my own mind until now. ‘I’m thinking of giving up teaching,’ I say.
Her mouth hangs open. ‘No! Really? But you love it!’
It takes me a moment to compose my answer. ‘It’s like you said – now I’m a mum everything’s changed. I can’t imagine coming home and spending all evening marking when all I’ll want to do is play with Kayla.’
Sophie stares at me for a long time. ‘Really?’ she asks again.
She knows I’m lying – she can see straight to my core.
‘I might just do tutoring or something. Fit my hours in around the baby.’
‘That does make sense. But wouldn’t you be lost without teaching? It’s… who we are, isn’t it?’
Who I was. That person no longer exists. ‘Maybe you’re right,’ I say to pacify Sophie because the way she’s looking at me is making me feel exposed. ‘We’ll see what happens.’
Finally she smiles, and I’m off the hook. ‘We never know what the future has in store for us. That’s what I love about life,’ she says.
And that’s exactly what terrifies me.