When my phone rings the next morning – Nicole’s name flashing on my screen – my first reaction is panic that something’s happened to Kayla. Guilt and anxiety merge into one to immediately make me assume the worst. That I am too late.
‘Hi, it’s Nicole.’
‘Is something wrong?’ I ask.
‘No, course not. Everything’s fine. But I do have a favour to ask. Aiden’s working today, and I’ve got something urgent I need to do. Would you be free for just a few hours to look after Kayla this afternoon? I’ll pick her up later.’
I’m stunned by her request. Even though Aiden was civil towards me yesterday, I assumed that was only because he was worried about Nicole. I had fully expected to have a fight on my hands again just to get to see her. I had prepared myself for a war.
‘Of course I will. Does Aiden know?’
‘Oh, hang on. Kayla, no, sweetheart, you can’t have Mummy’s iPad. Sorry, Eve. No, Aiden doesn’t know. He seems to have already forgotten just how much you’ve helped us. I’m sorry. We’ll get through to him, though. Look, I’ll have to go, but could you pick her up in an hour?’
‘We’re just going to visit someone, Kayla. Someone very important to me.’
I don’t know when the idea to take Kayla to visit Mum occurred to me but now we’re on our way – with me driving as fast as I safely can so as not to waste any time – it feels like the only thing that makes sense. I have only a few hours, and with Aiden still reluctant to let me into Kayla’s life, there’s no telling when I’ll get another opportunity like this.
‘Who?’ Kayla asks, and in the rear-view mirror I see her shuffling around in her car seat.
‘My mummy. She’s not feeling very well, and I thought we could both cheer her up.’
‘I’ve got a mummy too!’ she exclaims. ‘I love my mummy!’
‘Yes, you have, and she loves you, too.’ I force myself to smile. Nicole has been so nice to me, and I loathe myself for resenting her, for believing that if it was just Aiden and Kayla then I would have got through to him by now.
When we arrive, despite my earlier determination to bring Kayla to Mum, I begin to have doubts. There’s no predicting how Mum will react to anything, and I fear this won’t be the reunion my heart wants it to be. There’s every chance Mum will freak out, or Kayla will get scared; anything’s possible with Mum’s disease.
For Kayla’s sake, I push aside the doubts and take her inside the building, my heart soaring when she reaches to grab my hand.
‘Who’s this little beauty, then?’ Silvia, one of the carers, asks. She’s standing by the reception desk, gathering some papers together.
‘This is Kayla, my friend’s daughter,’ I explain. ‘I’m babysitting and thought it would be nice for Mum to have some company other than just mine.’
Silvia crouches down to Kayla’s level and tells her it’s lovely to meet her. ‘Jackie will be so happy to see you. She loves seeing the little ones whenever they come to visit someone; this will make her day.’
I’m not sure how true this is – especially when Mum rarely leaves her room, but I’m grateful that Silvia is helping to make Kayla feel comfortable.
Outside Mum’s door, I take a deep breath. It’s impossible to know how this will go, but I’m here now so there’s no way out of it.
‘Eve, is that you?’
I’m about to greet her until I realise it’s not me Mum’s addressing, but Kayla. She reaches out and strokes her cheek.
Kayla giggles. ‘I’m not Eve. I’m Kayla!’
This information is unimportant to Mum, and she continues staring at her granddaughter, taking in every inch of her. ‘Oh, you’re such a beautiful little girl, aren’t you? Now, why haven’t you come to see me for so long?’
Another giggle, and then Kayla trots into the room, throwing herself on the bed. She reaches into her bag of toys and pulls out a small hairbrush and her doll.
‘How are you doing, Mum?’ I ask. I long to hug her, but since dementia took control of her brain, she recoils at most physical contact.
‘Oh, I’m still waiting for that bus,’ she replies, raising her eyebrows and drawing closer to me. ‘Do you know, I think they’re just trying to keep me here! I can’t understand why. Nobody needs any piano lessons.’
It is particularly poignant to hear Mum say this. She’d been a piano teacher for many years, right up to her early sixties. Despite there being a piano in the residents’ lounge downstairs, Mum hasn’t touched even a key for at least two years.
‘It’s okay, Mum. The bus will be here later – you won’t miss it.’
She studies my face, wrinkling her own as if working out whether she believes me. ‘Oh, that’s good.’ She turns to Kayla, who, thankfully, is too engrossed in her doll to pay attention to our conversation. ‘Now, young lady, who’s this dolly, then?’
While I get Kayla a snack, I watch the two of them with equal measures of pain and delight circling through me. They both speak so animatedly together that it’s hard to believe they are strangers. Not strangers, though, not really. They are family, bonded by blood, no matter the circumstances. I want to be able to come here all the time with Kayla, to see the joy on Mum’s face again. Only Aiden and Nicole are standing in my way, even though Nicole doesn’t realise that she is.
With Mum and Kayla so engrossed in their chat, I’m the only one who notices when there’s a knock on the door and Silvia pokes her head around it. ‘Hi, sorry to interrupt but could I have a quick word in private, please?’
I stand up and head to the door.
‘It’s just to go through a query with your direct debit,’ she says, keeping her voice low, even though it’s unlikely Mum would understand what she’s talking about. ‘Not your fault, of course, our system crashed, so we’re having to get everyone to submit another form.’
I glance at Mum and Kayla, and even though both of them are clearly at ease with one another, there’s no way I can leave them here alone, not even for a minute.
‘That’s fine, but do you think someone could come in and stay with Mum and Kayla for a minute?’
She nods. ‘Of course. Let me just grab Ryan.’
Once I’ve sorted out the direct debit form, I rush back to the room to find Mum and Kayla still enjoying each other’s company. Somehow Kayla has put the hugest smile on Mum’s face, something I haven’t seen for a long time. This is meant to be – the pieces of my family put back together again. Whatever I have to do to keep it this way doesn’t matter.
‘Eve, can we talk? I’m outside your flat.’
I’ve just put on my pyjamas, so the last thing I’m expecting is company. Especially Nicole’s. And there is no good reason I can think of for her turning up like this. She must have found out I took Kayla to see Mum without checking with them first. ‘I, um. Okay. Come in.’ I press the buzzer and hear the front door open, having just enough time to throw on my dressing gown before she’s standing in front of me. I prepare to defend myself.
‘I’m sorry it’s late,’ Nicole says, smiling apologetically. Her eyes fix on my dressing gown. ‘Oh no, I didn’t think you’d be in bed.’
‘I wasn’t. I just like to get comfortable in the evening.’ She still isn’t confronting me, so I offer her something to drink.
‘No, thanks. I can’t stay long. Aiden will be wondering where I am.’ She steps into my flat and glances around. ‘I just wanted to thank you for today. It was really kind of you to step in at such short notice.’
She could have said this on the phone. There’s something else going on here.
‘Kayla’s been so distraught about me being ill, and you really helped take her mind off everything. With your mum’s help of course.’
There it is. This is what she has come here for. ‘Nicole, I’m really sorry. I didn’t plan to take Kayla there, it’s just that I always visit Mum. I didn’t have a chance to ask you on the phone, or when I picked her up.’
She holds up her hand. ‘Oh, please don’t apologise. I actually think it’s lovely that your mum got to see her. I’m assuming you didn’t mention who she is, though?’
I shake my head. ‘No, of course not. And even if I did, Mum’s not in a good state to remember anyway.’
Nicole reaches for my arm. ‘Aiden told me. I’m so sorry. I’m really close to my mum so I can only imagine how hard it is for you both.’
‘Will you come and sit down? You’ve only just been in hospital.’ I head to the sofa, and Nicole follows. ‘Does Aiden know?’
‘No. I didn’t tell him, but…’ And then tears are trickling down her cheeks, which she vigorously tries to swipe away.
Instinctively I move closer to her and place my arm across her shoulders. ‘Nicole, what is it? What’s happened?’
‘This feels so strange, I’m not sure I should even be talking about it. Aiden would feel so… betrayed.’
‘Please trust me, Nicole – nothing you say here will ever get back to Aiden, I promise you that.’ The irony is that I’m expecting her to trust me when I don’t even know if I can trust myself. If I had to break my promise to Nicole in order to get my daughter back then I would do it like a shot.
Nicole takes her time but eventually she begins to talk. ‘Things have been a bit… strained between Aiden and me lately. We used to always be a team, especially when it came to parenting, but now it feels as though we can’t agree on anything. There’s this horrible tension between us all the time and… it’s just hard to deal with.’
This is my fault. I have done this to them. ‘I’m so sorry. I never wanted to cause problems for you both. When I came back, I didn’t even know Aiden was with anyone—’
‘Please don’t think I’m blaming you, Eve. This is not your fault. All you’ve done is come back to try and be in Kayla’s life – I could never blame you for that. I would have done exactly the same thing.’ She turns away. ‘The problem is that Aiden just doesn’t see this. And I’ve been pushing and pushing him, and now I feel like he’s turning away from me.’
‘Oh, Nicole, I’m so sorry.’
‘Aiden’s a good man. You know that – you were married to him. He goes out of his way for people and is the most amazing father to Kayla.’
There is something surreal about talking to my ex-husband’s new partner about the man I was married to. Still am, technically. Nicole might be with Aiden now but there is a whole side to him that she can never know. She will never see the man he was when we were together. I believe that she’s tried to get through to him, but I’m convinced I would stand a better chance if I could just reach the person he was, the person he still must be somewhere inside him. Nicole, as nice as she is, is the one who is preventing that.
‘I know all this,’ I tell her. ‘I just need him to understand me.’
Nicole grabs my hand. ‘Please, Eve – I’m begging you, please can you just give us some space for a while? Time for Aiden to get used to everything without me putting pressure on him. I just don’t know what damage it will do to our relationship if things carry on as they are. I’m still totally on your side with this – I want Kayla to have you in her life – but I’m just asking you to be patient.’
Seconds tick by, Nicole’s words – and what they mean for me – crashing around my head. ‘How long?’ I ask. ‘You’re asking me to stay away but for how long?’
She shakes her head. ‘I don’t know. For however long Aiden needs.’
‘Okay,’ I say. ‘I see I have no choice.’
‘And there’s one more thing. Don’t you think it’s time, maybe, that you got a divorce?’
Even though she’s right, I’m stunned that she’s bringing this up now. ‘What does Aiden say about it?’
‘It’s what he wants. And I’m sure it’s what you want too?’
I nod. ‘Then all he has to do is ask. I would never keep him tied to me.’
‘Good. Thank you,’ she says, leaning forward to embrace me. ‘Thank you so much, Eve.’
I see her to the front door and watch as she gets in her car. There are always casualties in a war, I think.
That’s not going to stop me.