Walking home from the Tube, it strikes me how alone I am. Although the past couple of years have made me immune to this, it is different now. This is about Kayla, not me. And now I have no choice but to take things further.
Someone is right behind me, almost too close. I’m about to turn around, but then I feel the arm around my neck, the whispered breath in my ear. ‘Don’t bother screaming. We need to have a little chat. That’s your place over there, keep walking and I’ll be right behind you.’ The arm eases off me, and I quickly assess my options. Running is not one of them. He’d catch up with me before I’ve even gone a metre. Nor will shouting for help do any good – there’s nobody around, and hardly any lights on in any windows. My mobile phone is buried somewhere in my bag, and there’s no way he’ll give me a chance to grab it.
Stay calm. Don’t panic. You can deal with this. He knows where I live, so clearly this is someone who knows me; I’m not being targeted at random.
But I don’t recognise his voice.
My body becomes numb and I’m walking on autopilot. There will be a way out of this; there has to be.
We reach my door, and he’s standing right behind me, too close, but not close enough that anyone passing by or watching from their window would suspect anything. Perhaps it only looks like I’m inviting him in, that I might be spending the night with him. I shudder at this thought.
‘Get in,’ he says. ‘Quick.’ He pushes me forward.
My hand shakes as I pull my keys from my pocket, despite my determination to get through this unharmed. I don’t know what makes me do it, but before I turn the key I spin around and face him.
He’s young, no more than nineteen or twenty, and as I stare at his face I realise that I’ve seen him before. I know exactly who he is.
‘Does Maya know you’re here, Connor?’
His eyes widen, and he steps back. He hasn’t expected me to address him by his name. For now, at least, I have taken some control from him. I have to just hang on to that, and then I can get through this.
‘How do you…? Ah, who cares, just let me in.’
‘You didn’t answer me. Does Maya know you’re here?’
‘We’ll get to that in a minute, now just shut this bloody door.’ He slams it behind us and shoves me forward. It’s not a violent shove, and I won’t let it unnerve me.
‘What are you doing here, Connor?’ I ask once we’re inside, standing in my living room like two characters in a film who aren’t sure where they should be.
‘You’re an evil bitch,’ he says, taking a step towards me.
I flinch but quickly recover. Maya has told him about my lie, then. But it’s none of his business; it doesn’t make sense that he’s here. ‘It’s got nothing to do with you.’
He leans into my face, hatred seeping from his pores. ‘Nothing to do with me? You killed my baby and you think it’s got nothing to do with me?’
Silence thunders down on me. ‘Your baby? But…’ And then I realise. This is not about Kayla at all; this is about Maya’s baby. Their baby.
Still, I need clarification. ‘What exactly are you talking about?’
‘It’s because of you that Maya got rid of our baby. It’s all your fault.’ He’s spitting his words now, saliva spraying onto the carpet.
‘Okay, just calm down a minute. Please, sit down and we can talk about this. I haven’t seen Maya this week. She hasn’t even texted me.’
Connor doesn’t sit down; he stays too close to me, his eyes still wild with rage. I take a step back, try to hold my nerve.
‘She told me all about your little chats during your tutoring sessions,’ he hisses. ‘I know you gave her advice about the pregnancy. Told her to get rid of it.’ He raises his voice. ‘Some shit about thinking about her future.’
I need to try and calm him down. ‘Connor, listen, you’ve got it wrong. All I did was let her talk, and then I told her to speak to her parents.’
‘And that did a bloody lot of good, didn’t it!’ He’s yelling now, and strides to the window and back, his hands clenched by his sides. ‘I never thought for one second they’d want her to get rid of it. I thought if they knew—’
‘So it was you who told them? Maya blamed me to start with.’
He ignores me. ‘This is a sick world when grandparents won’t even fight for their unborn grandchild.’ He’s shaking now, either from rage or sadness, or more likely both.
‘Connor, please sit down. I can see why you’re so upset. It must feel as though you had no choice in any of this, that it was all taken out of your hands.’ We are the same. If only he knew.
He stares at me, and it’s hard to tell how he’ll respond. For a moment I envisage him smashing his fist into my face, taking out his anger on the only person he can. ‘And what the hell would you know about that?’ he snarls.
I sit down myself, hoping he will mirror my action. ‘Everything actually. More than I can ever say.’
His eyes narrow, and just for a second something replaces the anger. Curiosity, perhaps.
‘I’m not sitting down in this bloody place,’ he says, looking around. ‘This is where you encouraged my girlfriend to get rid of our baby.’ He spits on the floor, and I pretend I haven’t noticed.
‘You love Maya, am I right?’
‘Yeah, I did. So?’
‘And you probably know her better than anyone?’
He flicks his head, which I take as a sign of agreement.
‘Then you will know that Maya is an extremely intelligent, savvy young woman with a mind of her own. She’s so headstrong, even if I’d wanted to talk her into anything, there was no way I could have. You must know that, Connor.’
He thinks about this for a moment, and I dare to hope that finally I’m getting through to him. ‘But she was undecided. Then suddenly she knew there was no way she could have it. How can you explain that sudden change? Eh?’
It’s hard not to wonder if my story about Kayla had anything to do with Maya’s decision. A wave of guilt washes over me. But everything I’ve said to Connor is true; Maya made her own decision, and I never tried to steer her in any direction. Yet things can happen inadvertently. You know that better than most.
‘Look, Connor, you may not believe me but I’m here, looking you right in the eye and promising you that I did not encourage Maya to have a termination. I was her tutor and would never have offered any kind of advice in that way. All I told her to do was speak to her family. And talk to you about how conflicted she felt. That’s it. If that somehow unwittingly led to her final decision then I’m sorry, I truly am, but I really don’t believe that’s what happened.’
Finally, he sits on the sofa and buries his head in his hands. ‘That was my baby in her stomach. Gone. Just like that.’
‘I know, and it’s heartbreaking – I totally understand that. But, listen – how old are you?’
He looks up, frowning. ‘Twenty-three next month. Why?’
‘You’re still so young. You’ve got a whole lifetime ahead of you. Loads of time to have children.’
‘What the hell? Is that supposed to make me feel better?’
‘No, nothing can right now. But in time the pain will ease, and you’ll find a way to live with it. Believe me, I really do know what I’m talking about.’
He doesn’t answer but at least the anger has dissipated. Now I will just leave him alone for a moment to process everything I’ve said.
‘I came here to hurt you,’ he says, eventually. ‘To hurt you like I’ve been hurt. But now that I’m here I know I don’t even need to do that. You’ve got enough enemies, haven’t you? They can do the job for me.’
I freeze. ‘What are you talking about?’
He ignores me and stands. ‘I hope one day you know what it feels like to lose your kid,’ he spits, marching out of the room without looking back.
As soon as the front door slams, I rush to the window and fling it open. ‘Connor! Wait! It was you who smashed my car windows, wasn’t it?’
He glances up, and it’s hard to tell but it seems as though he might be smirking.