‘How did it go with Marianne?’ Aiden asks when he gets home. He plants a kiss on my cheek, reminding me of the time before. That’s how I’ve come to think of my life before leaving. I have no idea how to label the present time, but it doesn’t matter; all that’s important is finding Kayla.
‘It’s always good to see her. There’s just never any news, or anything new to focus on with the search.’
He sinks into the sofa and sighs. ‘People keep asking me how I’m able to go to work,’ he says, ‘and it feels truly horrible. There I am, drawing up plans for people’s houses, to help make their lives better, while our little girl is probably crying for me every day. Am I a bad person, Eve?’
I shake my head. ‘No, of course not. It’s how you’re able to function and carry on.’ We’d talked about this when Nicole first took Kayla, and I completely understood why Aiden needed to keep working, to cling on to some part of his life that was still normal. ‘I also need to keep this roof over our heads,’ he’d said. ‘Nicole could come to her senses at any moment; and what would happen if they came back and I’d lost the house?’ His anguish had been palpable, and I’d wanted to reach out and hold him right then, even though I kept my distance. It was many weeks until we were comfortable with each other, almost carrying on as though I’d never left them those years ago.
‘Until it happens to you,’ Aiden continues, ‘you imagine you’d be out there every day, searching the streets every waking hour, but the truth of it is we’re just helpless, aren’t we? Waiting for Nicole to see sense and bring her back.’
Even though my thoughts about it mirror his, I wonder if there is actually more we could be doing. That might just mean going over the same things we’ve already done, but at least it’s action. ‘Can’t we approach Nicole’s parents again?’ I suggest. ‘And her sister? See if there’s anything else they can tell us?’
‘I already emailed them all again yesterday. They’ve been really supportive, Eve – I don’t think they’d be holding anything back from me. They’re just as angry with Nicole as I am. They still can’t believe she’s done this.’
‘And her friends? What if we contacted them again?’
Aiden shakes his head. ‘Nothing’s changed. They’re also on our side. Nobody’s heard a thing from her. They’d be telling the police if they had. Damn it! I just want her back!’ He stands up, and his eyes glisten. ‘Sorry,’ he says. ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’
When he leaves the room, I check my phone to see if Maya’s replied, even though I would have heard the alert if she had. There’s nothing. She probably won’t ever respond to my message, and I can’t just sit around and wait. I need to take some action. For Kayla. And for Aiden. For my family.
Aiden doesn’t know where I’ve really gone. I’d told him I was going back to my flat to pick up some things, but I had another reason for wanting to head out. He would tell me I’m being crazy, if he knew the truth, and say that there’s no way my ex-student can help us find Kayla. No way at all. Realistically, I know this, but I’ve had enough of standing still; I need to do something.
Even though it doesn’t mean that Maya’s home, I’m relieved to see there are lights on in her parents’ house, meaning somebody at least should answer the door.
Unfortunately, it’s Bal who does, and she stares at me, frowning and silent. Maya must have told her the truth about Kayla by now, and I have no doubt that she’s the type of woman who is audacious enough to confront me about it. I exhale and prepare to defend myself.
‘Hi, I’m sure you remember me? Maya’s English tutor. I’m sorry to turn up like this but I really need to speak to her. I wouldn’t have come if it wasn’t so important.’
Bal leans forward, pulling the door with her. ‘You knew, didn’t you? That Maya was pregnant.’
‘Yes. She confided in me during one of our sessions, and I couldn’t betray her by telling you. I promise you, Bal, I tried my best to get her to talk to you. That was the only advice I gave her. I never advised her on what she should do about the baby, please believe that.’
Bal doesn’t respond, her stony expression remaining in place. ‘Why should I believe anything you say when you’ve proven yourself to be a liar? What are you doing here? What do you want from Maya?’
Although it hasn’t been my plan, it’s unlikely I’ll get through the door if I don’t tell Bal as much as I can. ‘If you let me come in, I’ll explain everything. Please, Bal. I can’t talk out here on the doorstep.’
After some hesitation, she agrees, leading me into the lounge. It takes ten minutes to explain why I lied about not having a daughter, and even though I see flickers of judgement in her eyes while I’m speaking, at least she is listening, saving her opinion until she’s heard all I have to say.
‘You had postnatal depression,’ she states. ‘Maya didn’t explain this clearly. She said you left because you’d made the wrong decision about having a child, and she didn’t want to do the same.’
Chinese whispers, I think. Maya would never have taken everything I said and concluded that I simply regretted having a baby. Still, that’s not important here. ‘Bal, I promise you I had no intention of swaying Maya in either direction. I kept telling her it was her choice alone, nobody else’s.’ Not even Connor’s – not when it comes down to it.
‘That’s not what bothers me,’ Bal says. ‘A termination was the right thing for her. She’s not ready to have a baby. And I’m not ashamed to say I told her exactly how we felt about it. You spend so many years educating your daughters about contraception and then they go and… have an accident.’ She shakes her head. ‘It makes me sad. Maya’s not the first and she won’t be the last. I’m not heartless, I just want what’s best for my daughters. I’m sure you’re the same – now.’
Her dig doesn’t go unnoticed. ‘Yes, I just want Kayla to be confident to make her own choices. Good ones I hope. They may not always be, but I’ll be there to support her, no matter what.’ My turn to have a dig. I wonder how everything was resolved between Maya and her parents after that night she came to my flat, desperate to avoid going home.
‘It’s not always as easy as that,’ Bal says, shaking her head. ‘You’ll find that out when your girl gets older.’
I catch my breath. Will I get to see Kayla growing older? Or is she Nicole’s now – a punishment that the universe has dished out to me. But it’s not just you – it’s Aiden too, and he did nothing to deserve this.
‘Please, Bal. Can I just talk to Maya quickly?’
‘You still haven’t explained why you need to speak to her. What’s this all about?’
Here goes. I only hope it convinces Bal to help me. I tell her what’s happened to Kayla and, as she listens, her face softens.
‘Missing? That’s awful. I’m sorry,’ she says once I’ve explained. ‘And you think her stepmother took her somewhere?’
‘Technically Nicole isn’t really her stepmother. They weren’t married.’
She ignores this. ‘I don’t understand how Maya can help, though?’
It might be best to be totally honest and explain that Connor turned up to confront me, but once again I don’t feel it’s my business to talk about Maya’s boyfriend to her mother. Experience has taught me that she wouldn’t appreciate this. ‘I just need to know if Maya ever saw anyone hanging around my flat when she came for tutoring sessions. We’re assuming it’s Nicole, but the police aren’t ruling out any possibilities.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Bal says. ‘Unfortunately, Maya’s not here. She moved out weeks ago and is living with one of her friends.’
She’s not going to make this easy for me. ‘Do you think you could give me the address? I’d really appreciate it, and it might just help find my daughter.’
Bal ponders this for a moment. ‘Well, I suppose. What kind of person would I be if I didn’t help another mother who needed it?’
I may have jumped over one hurdle but getting Maya to help me won’t be as easy. The fact that she hasn’t replied to my text speaks volumes, especially as we didn’t leave things on bad terms. What is it, Maya? Why won’t you talk to me?
Her new home is only ten minutes from her parents’, in a huge block of flats on an estate in Barking, which couldn’t be more different from her family’s leafy, tree-lined street. Things must have been bad for her to prefer living here, I think, before reminding myself that the young often value space and privacy away from their parents and would probably place this over luxury most times. Still, I can’t help but shudder to know that this is where Maya has chosen to be.
There’s no intercom system, so I walk straight up the stairs to Maya’s flat. A young red-haired girl answers the door, holding it open for me without saying a word.
‘Oh!’ she says, ‘I thought you were someone else. Can I help?’
‘I’ve come to see Maya. Is she home?’
‘Um, she’s… who are you?’
‘I’m her English tutor.’
The girl’s eyes widen. ‘Her tutor? But she’s finished her—’
‘It’s okay,’ a voice from the hallway says. Maya. Sounding different somehow, older maybe.
Then she appears beside her friend, and I can hardly believe she’s the same girl. How is it possible to change so much in only a few months? Heavy make-up masks her face, making her look much older than eighteen. Her long wavy hair has gone, replaced with a straighter, shoulder-length bob.
‘What are you doing here, miss?’
Some things never change, and I can’t help but smile at the way she still addresses me. ‘Can we talk?’
She turns to her friend as if needing confirmation, but the red-haired girl just smiles and watches both of us.
‘I suppose.’ She turns to her flatmate. ‘Lara, is that okay? I won’t be long and then we can get out of here.’
It’s only then that I notice both girls are dressed for a night out: short skirts and sparkly tops, heels far too high for anyone to walk comfortably in.
‘I won’t keep you,’ I promise them both.
Inside, the flat is as dingy as I’d expected it to be, although they’ve done their best to brighten it up with modern prints and artificial flowers. There’s no avoiding the stained dark blue carpet, though, which doesn’t match anything in the house. This is not Maya. At least not the girl I used to know. But judging from what I’ve seen so far – how do I know who that was? Standing here is surreal, and I can’t quite make sense of it.
Lara announces that she’s going to finish getting ready, and leaves Maya and me alone.
Maya speaks first. ‘How did you find me?’ She sits on the tatty sofa, crossing her legs and leaning forward.
There’s no invitation for me to sit too, so I stay standing. ‘Your mum gave me your address. I went there when you didn’t reply to my text.’
‘I’ve been busy,’ she says with no hint of guilt or embarrassment.
‘How did your exams go?’
‘Is that what you wanted to see me for?’
‘No, but I’m interested. I always like to know how my students get on after tutoring.’
She shrugs. ‘They went fine.’
‘Then you’re at uni now? What degree did you decide on?’
‘None. I’m taking a year out. To reassess my life.’ I should have known this. Something about Maya alerted me to it.
‘Well, deferring a year is often a good idea. What will you do?’
Maya holds her hand up. ‘Miss, this feels like a police interrogation. Can you just stop being a teacher and tell me what you’re doing here?’
I sit next to her. ‘Okay. Remember I told you about my daughter Kayla? She’s gone missing. It looks like my husband’s girlfriend took her.’
Maya softens, just as her mother did earlier. ‘I’m so sorry. That’s really… awful.’
‘Yes, it’s been a very difficult time for me and her dad.’
She frowns. ‘But didn’t he hate you? After you left and everything.’
‘Yes, he did. Something like this has a way of bringing people together, though, so we’re putting aside everything else to focus on Kayla.’
She nods. ‘I don’t see how I can help.’
‘I know this might be difficult for you to talk about, but it involves Connor.’
Her eyes widen, and she folds her arms across her body. A defensive gesture that suggests talking about him will cause her pain. But I need to do this. ‘I don’t understand,’ she says. ‘What’s any of this got to do with Connor?’
I tell her about him paying me a visit, how threatening his behaviour was, how he left with the comment about me having enemies.
‘What a bastard,’ she says, then claps her hand over her mouth. ‘Sorry.’
‘Please don’t apologise. He was just hurt, Maya. I’m sure he wouldn’t have done anything to me.’
‘Who knows? People are capable of anything, aren’t they?’ This is the old Maya back, the one I remember. ‘Wait a minute. You don’t think he took your daughter, do you? Or helped that woman take her?’
‘No, I don’t. I mean, it’s possible, but I don’t think Nicole needed any help. To the outside world, Kayla was her daughter. It wouldn’t have been suspicious to anyone. That’s how she’s got away with this.’
‘Then what’s Connor got to do with it?’
‘I think he was… watching me for a while. Waiting for the right moment to get to me. And I think he might have seen someone else hanging around my flat, otherwise why would he have mentioned enemies?’
She shrugs. ‘I don’t know.’
‘So, you never got back together then?’
‘No. No way. He scared me by how aggressive he became because I wanted a termination. He just wasn’t the guy I thought he was.’
‘I’m sorry he didn’t support you,’ I say.
She rolls her eyes. ‘He’d say that I was the one who didn’t support him. He had this thing about girls expecting the guy to always watch out for them, and he used to say why can’t it work both ways? You know, we want equal rights and all that then we still want to be looked after. What a ridiculous stereotype. How did I ever find him attractive?’
‘Sometimes we don’t see who someone really is until extreme circumstances are thrown at us. Better to know now, though, than find out after years, or marriage or kids.’
Maya nods. ‘Yeah. True.’
‘So do you know where he lives now?’
‘I heard he moved to east London to live with his cousin. Doing all right for himself.’ She stares around the room. ‘Not like me. No uni, just a part-time job in Starbucks.’
‘Oh, Maya. What happened? How did you end up here?’
Tears fall from her eyes, sliding down her cheeks and dripping onto her top, blending in with the sparkles. My heart aches for her. ‘I just… everything changed after the… termination. I just didn’t feel like the same person. I wasn’t expecting to feel guilty. I was so sure of my decision that it never occurred to me I might regret it.’
‘And do you?’
She shakes her head. ‘I don’t know. Maybe. Sometimes. I see babies everywhere and wonder what mine would have looked like. I dream about babies, too. It’s horrible. I thought I’d just get on with my life and never look back but…’
‘I’m so sorry. Were you offered any counselling?’
‘Yeah, I had some before and after but thought I was okay. That I didn’t need it. I’m strong, right? I can handle anything.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘Then I got my A-level results, which were really good, and I should have been excited, but instead I felt numb, like it didn’t matter any more. I met Lara, and she just works and parties and enjoys herself. I looked at her and thought: I need a bit of that.’
I want Maya to know that it’s not too late for her. This is only the beginning of her life. She has her whole future ahead of her and this is just a temporary interruption. ‘Maya, it’s not bad to take some time out for yourself. At any age. But please don’t give up on your dreams. Start afresh next September and, in the meantime, I don’t think it’s wrong to just live a bit, get it out of your system.’
She wipes her eyes and grabs her phone from the coffee table. ‘Thanks, miss. Let me just find Connor’s address. And I’m coming with you. I can’t let you go to that arsehole’s place on your own – who knows what he’ll do?’