For three days Aiden doesn’t leave the house. It’s as if he knows that I’m suspicious of him – even though my rational brain tells me this is impossible. Even if he somehow found out I’d gone to Jamie’s a few days ago, he could only assume that I might still have feelings for him, not that we were piecing together what might have happened to Kayla.
‘I can’t face work,’ Aiden tells me. ‘I think it’s all finally caught up with me and I need a break. I want to spend time with you. You don’t have to go back to your flat for a while, do you? Being with you makes me feel closer to Kayla.’
As I listen to him – these words that would ordinarily melt my heart – I wonder if it’s possible that he became such an accomplished liar. I tell him I don’t need to go home. This is exactly where I need to be.
With each passing hour I begin to feel claustrophobic, a prisoner who can’t escape even though the door is wide open. Does Aiden want it this way? Is he enjoying it? If he does know where Kayla is then inflicting emotional pain on me must be his endgame, to get me back for leaving him. Despite how heinous this makes him, I can’t believe that he would hurt me physically, even though the more I think about it, the more I wonder if he wants me out of the way somehow. There can be no other reason he’s doing this. He could have just disappeared with Nicole and Kayla, so why else would he stay to put on this sinister show? I am a threat to his life with Nicole and Kayla; he knows that if I took this to court, I would have every right to see my daughter. He had every chance for us to work together, yet ultimately he didn’t want me to spend even a second with Kayla.
Paranoia sets in. What if having me out of the way is his only option?
In the harsh light of day, it’s easy to convince myself this is nonsense – that of course Aiden would never hurt anyone. I try to cling on to this thought. He is just a father desperate for his daughter back, a man who still loves the mother of his child.
On the fourth day, I grow increasingly uncomfortable, until respite finally comes. The police need Aiden to come down to the station to check some CCTV footage, to rule out a possible sighting of Nicole. Since Kayla’s disappearance was on the local news, there have been plenty of false alarms, and I have no doubt that this is yet another one. It will get Aiden out of the house for a couple of hours, though, and that’s exactly what I need.
Renting a car was Jamie’s idea. He would have lent me his, but we can’t take the chance that Nicole saw it outside his flat when she turned up on his doorstep. This is the safest way for me to follow Aiden, and as soon as he announces that he’s going somewhere, I will be right behind him.
At the rental place, I pick a black Ford Focus, a popular car that shouldn’t attract attention. It’s very different to drive than my Peugeot, so I drive around for a while, making sure I’m completely comfortable with it, and that Aiden is still at work, before I park it on our road.
‘How did it go?’ I ask when Aiden gets home around half an hour after me.
He peels off his coat. ‘It wasn’t her,’ he says. ‘I really had my hopes up this time, but no – the woman on camera definitely wasn’t Nicole. Too tall. I suppose I can see why they thought it was her. She looked about the same build, but it definitely wasn’t.’
I hand him a glass of wine and tell him not to be disheartened. ‘We’ll find her. I have no doubt in my mind about that.’
Oblivious to what I really mean, Aiden pulls me towards him and buries his head in my hair, breathing in my scent. I force myself to hold him when what I really want to do is shove him away, demand the truth.
‘Will you stay with us once we find her?’ he whispers. ‘That’s what you want, isn’t it? For us all to be together?’
‘That’s what I want.’ I have no trouble getting the words out because I’m determined to win this battle.
But when he pulls back, his mouth searching for mine, it’s a struggle to react. Do this for Kayla, I tell myself, but after only a couple of seconds I pull away, faking a cough. ‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘Think I need some water.’
He stares at me, and for a moment I feel as though he can see into my mind. ‘Thanks for the wine but I’ll have to have it later. Work called when I was at the police station. They need me to go in for a couple of hours.’
Is he telling the truth? I can’t help but question him. ‘I thought you were having a break?’
‘I am. I will. This is important though. Nobody else can do it.’
‘Okay,’ I say.
Here we go. This is it.
Following Aiden as he drives, I start to believe that he is actually going to work. He’s heading in the direction of Chiswick, and I envisage myself turning back around, admonishing myself for thinking the worst of him. Then everything changes when he makes a right turn and heads in the opposite direction from his office.
I continue at a safe distance, even though he won’t know this car. I’ve got my hair tied up and sunglasses on, just in case he does notice someone trailing him.
It’s over half an hour before he pulls into a road and begins to slow down. My heart hammers in my chest. Is Kayla only metres away from me? Something occurs to me, erasing any hope: unless he takes Kayla out somewhere, it will be impossible to get a photo of the two of them together. And I will need evidence. It’s the middle of the day, so there’s no way I can sneak up to any windows without being seen.
Aiden stops outside one of the houses and reverses into a parking space out front. There’s no off-street parking on this road, so I need to keep driving past, otherwise he’ll notice me, yet if I carry on, I’ll lose sight of where he’s going. There’s no guarantee he’s heading into the house he’s parked outside.
Fate is with me today, and by the time I’ve doubled back, he is knocking on the dark red door of the house I assumed it would be. I’ve driven past before I can see who lets him in, or if he has his own keys, but this is progress. Proof that I’m not just being paranoid.
Parking across the road, further down but close enough to see when Aiden leaves, I slide down in my seat and call Jamie.
‘I followed him,’ I say. ‘Right now I’m parked outside a house in Hayes, and Aiden’s just gone inside. He told me he was going to work.’
‘That was quick,’ Jamie says. ‘I was thinking this could go on for weeks. Months even.’
These last few days have felt anything but quick for me. ‘What if Kayla’s in there, Jamie?’
He must sense the adrenalin coursing through me. ‘Okay, just slow down, though. Let’s think. Are you sure there’s nothing else he could be doing? Visiting friends or something?’
‘He would have said. If this was all innocent then he wouldn’t have told me he was going to work.’
‘True. It doesn’t look good.’
‘I need evidence that I can take to the police. A photo of him with Nicole or Kayla.’
‘How are you going to do that without being seen? It’s the middle of the day.’
‘I know. And Aiden or Nicole might not walk out with Kayla.’
‘Just call the police,’ Jamie says. ‘If Kayla is in there then they’ll soon find her.’
‘I need to be sure before I go to them. Just in case we’re wrong. What if he’s seeing some woman and doesn’t want me to know? I can’t mess this up, Jamie. I’ve got one chance to get this right.’
‘Hmm. Have you thought about what will happen after? With Kayla, I mean. You can’t just announce that you’re her mum and expect she’ll be allowed to live with you.’
His words sting, but he’s speaking the truth. ‘I haven’t worked it all out. I know it won’t be easy, but there’ll be a way. There’s no way Aiden and Nicole are fit to be her carers after this.’
‘True, but you’ll have a lot of bureaucracy to deal with. Just don’t get your hopes up.’
Jamie doesn’t need to tell me this; I know that if Aiden has any part in Kayla’s disappearance then it doesn’t just erase my past, or guarantee that my future with Kayla will be without extreme challenges. ‘I won’t. I just want her back, Jamie. Even if I’m not the one she’ll live with for now.’
‘It’s funny,’ Jamie says. ‘I feel like I’ve learned more about you in the last few days than I did the whole time we were together. All it takes is honesty, right?’
I fight back a tear that tries to break free.
It’s over two hours before Aiden emerges. Alone. From this distance it’s impossible to read his expression. As I’ve assumed, there will be no chance to get a photo – not even one from this distance.
He’s walking briskly to his car, and I need to get out of here and beat him home before he asks questions about where I’ve been. Rush hour traffic will make this a tough game to win, especially as Aiden will know these roads and any shortcuts better than I do, but I stick to the same route Aiden used to get here, assuming that is the quickest way.
Once again, fate is rooting for me today and I make it home before Aiden. I hunt through the fridge to see if there’s anything I can cobble together for dinner, anything to make it look like I’ve been busy at home. Lentils, chopped tomatoes and spaghetti are all I can find that can be thrown together; it will taste bland without anything to flavour it, but it’s the best I can do. One thing for sure is that Aiden won’t protest about it; he’s still hardly eating at home under the pretence of worrying about Kayla. I imagine he fills himself up when he’s away from the house.
When Aiden still isn’t home by the time the food is nearly ready, I begin to think I left him too early. What if that house was nothing to do with Kayla, and he’s gone straight to her afterwards? Another house, somewhere else. I’m about to throw the food in the bin and go back to Hayes when I hear the front door open, and Aiden calling to me.
‘Hey,’ he says, walking into the kitchen. ‘That smells good. What is it?’
‘A veggie spaghetti thing,’ I say, trying to scrutinise his tone, analyse each word he speaks.
‘How did you know I’d be back now?’
An oversight. I need to be more careful. ‘I didn’t. I was going to just have mine and keep yours warm.’
He eyes the food, and any second now he will tell me that spaghetti can’t be kept warm or reheated, that you have to eat it straightaway.
‘Thanks,’ he says.
‘How was work?’
‘Tough day, actually. Too many meetings. I was stuck in the office all day and didn’t even have time for a lunch break.’
He delivers his lie flawlessly, moving across to me and leaning in to kiss me. I turn my head so he catches no more than my cheek. ‘I’m actually feeling quite hungry,’ he continues. ‘I’d forgotten what having an appetite feels like.’
‘Don’t beat yourself up,’ I say. ‘Marianne explained that it’s completely normal to do everyday things, even to enjoy doing them. It doesn’t mean we don’t love and miss Kayla.’
‘You always know what to say,’ he says. ‘I’d forgotten that about you. Forgotten how strong you are.’
I have no idea what he’s playing at by saying this. Is it all just part of the game to make me feel secure with him? To have me believe that he loves me? ‘Strong enough that I left?’ I ask, baiting him. He will have no idea what it took for me to walk out of the door that night, and to set up my life of isolation.
‘Let’s not talk about the past,’ he says. ‘Focus on now, that’s all that matters. They will find her, Eve, I’m convinced of it. There are only so many places Nicole will be able to hide.’
I have to hand it to Aiden, if I didn’t know the truth I would fall for every word he says. Telling me that the past no longer matters would be all I’d have needed to hear. Validation. Except that it could never have been enough, not when the past is really all that matters. Especially now.
‘Are you going into work tomorrow?’ I ask Aiden as we eat dinner. The food hasn’t turned out too badly after I added far too much salt and pepper.
‘Yeah, I’ll have to. There’s only so much time I can take off. I know I said I needed a break, but being in the office today showed me how much I’ll get behind if I don’t go in. I’m sorry, we’ll still have plenty of time together, though, won’t we?’
All I can manage is a nod, a smile that dies as soon as he looks away.
I will follow you tomorrow. Make sure that really is where you’re going, and then I’ve got somewhere of my own to visit.
‘I think I’ll get in touch with the counsellor Marianne recommended. Talk it all through. Are you planning to see her, too?’
Aiden smiles. ‘They’ve arranged for me to see someone at work. It will be easier for me to do it in my lunch break.’
Of course you will. That way I will have no idea that you’re not actually going to anyone.
‘Good. We both need to stay strong for Kayla, don’t we?’
‘Like I said, Eve, that’s what you are.’ There’s darkness in his tone when he says this, and I’m sure it’s not just me reading too much into every word. That can’t be the case when every word he produces must be a lie.
I offer to clear away after dinner, but Aiden tells me to leave it. ‘Why don’t we have an early night?’ he says.
My body freezes; I know exactly what he means, and I’m running out of excuses for keeping my distance. ‘My period’s just started,’ I blurt out, even though it’s not due for another week. Even when we were married, Aiden had no clue about where I was in my cycle; it was always up to me to tell him when we needed to try each month. I only hope he remains oblivious now.
‘Okay, no problem,’ he says. ‘It was just what you said earlier that got me thinking. About Marianne saying it’s okay for us to still enjoy things. Don’t worry, though, we’ve got plenty of time, haven’t we?’
I nod and smile, try to contain my nausea.
Aiden starts clearing up while I head upstairs and get ready for bed. When I slide under the covers, I listen to the sounds of him clanging around downstairs.
The next thing I know is that the house is silent except for Aiden’s light breathing somewhere close by. He’s standing by the door watching me; I can feel it without opening my eyes.