Morning can’t come quickly enough, and I wait for Aiden to leave for work, listening to the sound of him showering and brushing his teeth. Domestic noises that hint at normality, the mundane even. But underlying that is the menacing sense of time running out. One thing last night has taught me is that I can’t keep up this act for much longer, not without sacrificing the core of my being. And I will never do that.
I’d closed my eyes while he stood at the door, feigning sleep as I’d done before, but this time waiting to hear his footsteps coming towards me. That would have been it – I would have fought with every fibre within me, even though that would have signalled the end of whatever sick game this is he’s playing.
If it had ended there and then, at least I would have come to know what he’s planning to do, his hand forced unexpectedly. But here I am, ready to fight another day.
And now, once again, I pretend to be asleep when he pokes his head around the door to say goodbye. ‘See you later,’ he whispers, the thoughtful act making me shudder.
As soon as I hear the front door shut, I jump up, already fully dressed and ready to go. I can’t lose sight of him; I need to know whether he really is going to work. When I knock on that door, it’s Nicole I want to deal with, not Aiden, not yet.
Surprisingly, Aiden is telling the truth this time, but I park and wait until I see him walking into his office building, just to make sure.
Commuter traffic slows my journey considerably, so it takes almost an hour to get to the house in Hayes. Now that I don’t have to worry about Aiden spotting me, I can pause to take in every detail of it. It’s similar to Aiden’s and looks like an innocuous family home, not the kind of place that harbours an abducted child.
As I’m about to get out of the car, Jamie texts to ask how it’s going. I tell him that I’m prepared to face Nicole, but inside I wonder if this is true. I don’t know how she’s going to react to seeing me. Will she become violent? Surely not with Kayla in the house. All I have to do is keep her talking, though, and with my phone inside my pocket be ready to dial 999.
I repeat this plan in my mind as I head to the front door, my head held high. I’m not the one in the wrong this time; I have every right to hunt for my daughter.
Outside the house, the enormity of what I’m about to face hits me. I don’t know what Nicole’s capable of – or Aiden. Stifling my fear, I keep my focus on Kayla.
My heavy knock on the door seems to reverberate around the quiet street. Seconds tick by and nothing happens, until a shadow appears through the mottled glass panel. I draw in a deep breath.
‘What are you doing here?’
My eyes take too long to tell my brain who I’m staring at; none of this makes sense.
‘Well, say something! What are you doing here?’
Marie. Aiden’s mother. Not Nicole. What is she doing here?
Somehow amidst the fug of scenarios my mind is conjuring up, I manage to speak. ‘Where’s Kayla? I want to see my daughter. Now.’
Marie frowns. ‘What’s going on? Why are you asking us about Kayla? How could we possibly know where she is? Are you…?’ She turns around and shouts into the house. ‘Pete? Eve’s here and she’s asking about Kayla. I think she might be having… an episode or something?’
Hearing her speak about me like this causes me to become alert. ‘Marie, I’m completely fine, I just want to know where my daughter is.’
Pete hurries to the door and stands beside his wife. My parents-in-law. They still are, whether any of us likes it or not. ‘Maybe you’d better come in,’ he says, gently nudging Marie aside.
I don’t hesitate to go inside, despite the fact that I already know Kayla isn’t here. They wouldn’t be letting me in if she was. Following Pete into the lounge, I’m struck by how similar this place feels to the home they had in Scotland. The layout of the furniture is identical, and I recognise many of the ornaments and paintings hanging on the walls.
‘When did you move from Edinburgh?’ There are so many questions I need answering and this seems like the best starting place. I don’t know which one of them I’m addressing. Either. Both. It doesn’t matter.
Pete glances at Marie before speaking. ‘Around a year ago. We wanted to be closer to Aiden and Kayla. We would have come sooner but it took us a long time to sell our house.’
Aiden never mentioned this. Neither did Sophie, and she must have known they’d moved back here. I even remember her mentioning them. It’s not surprising that Aiden has lied, but why would Sophie? I don’t believe she knows anything about Kayla’s disappearance; I’ve got to have faith that not everyone is rotten to the core.
‘Maybe you should sit down, you look a bit pale,’ Marie says, and again I catch a glance passing between the two of them. ‘Pete, can you get her some water? She doesn’t look good.’
I came here prepared to find my daughter, and now I’m confronted with this. I have no idea what to make of anything, no idea where to start.
When Pete hurries off to the kitchen, Marie turns back to me. ‘You’re shocked that Aiden didn’t tell you about us moving back, aren’t you? Well, you can’t blame him. We told him we wanted nothing to do with you. Not after what you did to your little girl. To our Kayla.’
Nothing Marie says makes anything clearer. ‘Did you know I was back?’
She nods. ‘Aiden told us everything. We even know you’ve been spending a lot of time together since Kayla was taken, and I’m going to be blunt – I advised Aiden against it. It’s obvious Nicole took Kayla and ran because she was scared of losing the little girl she’s brought up since she was a baby. In a way, you forced her hand by turning up like that. She probably thought you were after Aiden too, and let’s face it, that’s exactly what it looks like now.’ She finally pauses for breath.
Part of me understands Marie’s resentment. Aiden was neglected by his birth mother, so it’s no wonder she’s trying to picture things from Nicole’s perspective. Still, I must defend myself because I am nothing like the woman who Aiden was taken away from. ‘That’s not how it happened, Marie. And I was never trying to take Kayla away from either of them. I just wanted my daughter back in my life, however that was possible. Don’t I have that right? I’m her mother.’
Marie shakes her head. ‘And Aiden’s her father. But now look what’s happened. Even Aiden doesn’t have her. This is all your fault, Eve. You should never have come back.’ There are tears in her eyes now, convincing me that she doesn’t know where Kayla is. Aiden must have kept it from them too, probably assuming they would never accept him doing this. No matter how much they despise me, it would go against everything they believe in morally.
‘I’m sorry I hurt you all,’ I say, handing Marie a tissue from the pack in my pocket.
She takes it and dabs her eyes. ‘Do you know what this did to Aiden? You walking away from your baby, just like his birth mother did to him! Twice! How could you do that?’
‘Wait, what do you mean twice?’
‘You know what I mean. That heartless woman ripped our boy to shreds again. And the second time he was old enough to be totally scarred by it.’
Although I have no idea what Marie is talking about, I need her to believe I do, so that she’ll keep talking. ‘I know it was awful—’
‘Eight years old! And he was so excited to meet her. We went through so much just to arrange it all, and that evil woman told him she didn’t want anything to do with him, and that he should stop thinking of her as a mum because he meant nothing to her.’ Marie shakes her head, her face now red with anger. ‘I mean, she could have just ignored our requests for a meeting; she didn’t have to say all that stuff to him. And that’s not even all of it, is it? I can’t even bring myself to repeat what else she said before the social worker dragged her away. It took years of counselling for Aiden to come to terms with it all.’
I’m stunned into silence. Aiden has never told me any of this, and he’s never shown anything but a healthy attitude towards his adoption and what led up to it. He always said he’d been so young that he never knew any different.
‘So how you could do that to your own daughter, which amounts to the same kind of thing, I don’t know,’ Marie is saying. She pauses. ‘Aiden said you had postnatal depression?’
‘Yes. I didn’t really know it at the time but I… wasn’t in my right mind.’
‘You could have talked to us, Eve. To me. I understand how hard it is raising a baby. I know we weren’t there for Aiden’s newborn days but being a parent to a child of any age is a challenge. I could have helped you.’
For a brief moment I forget the man Aiden has become and remember how he was. ‘You coming into his life was the best thing that ever happened to him,’ I tell her.
Marie doesn’t thank me for this compliment, perhaps she feels I’m not worthy of issuing one. ‘It wasn’t easy, though,’ she says. ‘Nothing worth having ever is.’
Pete returns and hands me a glass of water. Out of politeness I drink some of it, even though I’m not thirsty. He sits down next to me and shakes his head. ‘Now why on earth would you think we know where Kayla is? Can you understand how strange that sounds?’ His tone is gentle, reminding me how kind the two of them always were to me, how much they welcomed me into their family.
‘I followed Aiden here yesterday. I was convinced he was lying to me, telling me he was going to work when he wasn’t.’
Marie sighs. ‘Yes, dear, he was lying to you. Because we insisted on having nothing to do with you. He thought it was easier this way. But why on earth would you think he knows where Kayla is? Did you think she was here? That we were actually hiding her?’
Hearing this spoken aloud makes me realise how improbable it sounds. Have I been so desperate to believe I will see Kayla again that my mind has concocted this story about Aiden? But the evidence was there: he smashed the windows of my car, and Nicole had insisted that he’d been at home that whole evening. Circumstantial at best.
‘Aiden is devastated about Kayla,’ Marie adds. ‘He’s even more broken than when you left, and believe me, that cut him to pieces. He’s never been the same since. And now he has to deal with Nicole betraying him, too. He doesn’t deserve all this, he’s a good man. He’s only ever wanted to do right by Kayla.’
‘I don’t know what to think right now,’ I admit. ‘It’s been a bit of a shock finding out you both live here.’
‘And seeing you has taken us by surprise too,’ Marie says. ‘Tell me something, Eve. Do you love our son?’
Not any more. It’s impossible. ‘I would never hurt Aiden again,’ I say. ‘I promise you that.’
They both turn to each other again, and I wish there was a way to know what they were thinking.
‘Well, you and Aiden have a lot of talking to do,’ Marie says. ‘When Kayla comes back to us – and I do believe Nicole will do the right thing eventually – there’s a lot you’ll need to work out.’
‘Yes, I know.’ Then something occurs to me. ‘Look, I have no right to ask this but could you just do something for me? Please don’t tell Aiden I came here. I promise I’ll talk to him myself, but I just need it to come from me.’
Marie turns to Pete and frowns. ‘I don’t know, Eve, so many lies have already been told.’
‘I will talk to him as soon as he gets home from work. All I’m asking is that you don’t call him in the meantime.’
‘We can do that,’ Pete says.
Marie shakes her head. ‘But—’
‘She’s still Kayla’s mum,’ he says. ‘And the two of them have a lot to sort out.’
We all fall silent, and it feels as though for now, at least, there’s nothing left to say. I tell them I need to go, and neither of them object.
In the car I call Jamie and tell him what’s just happened.
‘Well, this is weird. What does it mean?’ he asks.
‘I don’t know. It doesn’t look like Aiden’s hiding Kayla, though. But I can’t be sure about anything any more. I honestly don’t know what to think.’
Jamie falls silent. ‘I don’t like this, Eve. It’s all a bit strange and I’m worried about you.’
‘You don’t need to be,’ I assure him. ‘I’m made of titanium you know!’ I force this joke even though I’m sure neither of us is in the mood for humour.
‘What will you do now then?’ Jamie asks.
‘Go back to Aiden’s. Act like normal. I’d rather go to my flat but I can’t rest until I’m one hundred per cent sure he’s not guilty of anything. Maybe I’ll follow him again tomorrow and see. That’s the only way to know for sure, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, I suppose you have no choice.’ He sounds just as disappointed as I am.
‘I really thought I’d find her today, Jamie. I feel crushed that I’m no closer.’
‘Don’t give up,’ he says. ‘Eve Martin doesn’t quit, does she?’
When I get back to Aiden’s there’s no sign of his car. I let myself in with the key that he so readily gave me and dump my bag on the console table. I head to the kitchen, unable to think further than making myself a strong coffee, and when I reach the door my heart almost stops when I see Aiden sitting at the table, staring at me, his arms folded. There’s no phone or laptop on the table; it’s as if he’s been doing nothing but wait for me to walk in.