When I first created Minyan I offered it to individuals as a private spiritual practice. While it does work that way, I quickly learned that people had a natural desire to form small communities around Minyan practice. In my own congregation a group of Minyan retreat participants created Chavurah Saffir, the Sapphire Fellowship. The group meets one Sunday each month to study together and support each other’s efforts in each of the ten practices. In time groups like these impressed upon me the need for friends and fellowship on the spiritual path. While no one can do the work for you, it is far easier to stick with your practice when others are doing it alongside you.

Spiritual practice can be isolating. As some people move deeper into their meditation practice it is not uncommon for them to withdraw from the world around them. While there are religions that encourage this withdrawal, Judaism is not one of them. The goal of Minyan is not to remove you from the struggles of the world, but to help prepare you to meet them more effectively. The forming of community allows you to engage the world within the context of a supportive circle of friends whose freely chosen obligation is the mutual support of each other’s spiritual practice and maturation.

On the simplest level, Reb Nachman of Bratzlav taught that you should have a special friend with whom to discuss matters of the spirit. Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Vitebsk (1730–1788) said that you should speak with this friend for thirty minutes every day, sharing the mistakes you have made during the day and helping each other to overcome them.

Finding a friend with whom to be spiritually intimate is not easy, and you must go about doing so with caution. You need to find a person with whom you can entrust your deepest doubts and difficulties. You need someone who can make your spiritual well-being a priority in his or her own life.

An acquaintance of mine placed a classified ad in a local newspaper, seeking just such a spiritual companion. He received over a dozen responses. Three were for dates, one was a marriage proposal, and the rest were thoughtful letters from various Christians seeking to convert him to their faith.

Where can you find true spiritual partners?

Start with your friends. Do any of them share your interest in spirituality? Are any of them curious about religion, mysticism, or meditation? Even if they are not interested in your particular approach to spirituality, if they are open and supportive of you and your growth (as you must be of them and theirs), you may find them to be the perfect spiritual partners.

You can also find potential spiritual friends at various seminars and workshops devoted to religion and spirituality. There are many magazines available in your local bookstore that deal with spiritual themes and advertise upcoming conferences or other events. Investigate some of these and attend one or two in the next year.

To mention just a few options, I suggest contacting Elat Chayyim,¹ a Jewish spiritual retreat center, and requesting a catalog of their seminars. Write to Rabbi David Cooper at the Heart of Stillness Retreat Center² and ask for the dates of his meditation retreats. Write or call Rabbi Shefa Gold of the Rose Mountain Center³ and inquire about her meditation programs. Contact the ALEPH Alliance for Jewish Renewal⁴ in Philadelphia and ask about their biannual conventions. You can even call my own Rasheit Institute for Jewish Spirituality⁵ and register for our fall or spring retreats.

A more challenging level of chevruta (fellowship) involves joining a synagogue. Many spiritually inclined Jews, however, have a hard time finding a synagogue that meets their needs: “I’m looking for a place for spiritual exploration, and instead I find cold and lifeless dens of political wrangling where ego, not God, is the true object of worship.” Many synagogues are like this; many, but not all.

It is important to belong to a community. It is important to share your resources and expertise with others in the pursuit of mutally valued goals. And yes, this often involves you in communal politics. If you are serious about your spiritual practice, however, you will recognize community and synagogue to be a testing ground for your maturation. Can you maintain clarity of focus and gentleness of spirit in the face of political hassles and hostilities? It is a good measure of your spiritual development.

Explore the synagogues in your area and seek out a home among them. The best way to get a sense of what a synagogue is about is to participate in a Shabbat service, either Friday evening or Saturday morning. Notice I said “participate.” Attending services and observing the scene as if on assignment for National Geographic will not allow you to feel the spirit the community may have to offer. Nobody feels comfortable the first time in a new environment, but do not isolate yourself in a corner. Read along with the congregation, sing or hum their songs, join in as best you can to see if indeed the fit is right.

After you return home, ask yourself how you felt. Were you uplifted, motivated, and energized by the service? Did the music move you? Was there too much or too little Hebrew? Did the rabbi’s words touch you? Challenge you? Did the people look happy? Were the other congregants moved? Did they sing? Did they participate? Did they make any effort to welcome you?

If your assessment of your visit is totally negative, move on. But if not, give the synagogue a second and even a third visit. It takes time to understand what a community is trying to do and what it has to offer.

Many people expect to be welcomed by a synagogue as the long-lost prodigal child. This rarely happens. In fact, I would be wary of any group that welcomes you too quickly. If the group claims to love you without knowing you, it isn’t you they love.

If you are serious about joining a particular synagogue, make time to speak with the rabbi. Learn something about her background and the kind of Judaism she espouses. Explain your desire to find a spiritual home and ask her for advice as to how you might fit into the synagogue. It helps to join and to volunteer on a committee or project that interests you. If the synagogue does nothing that excites you, chances are this is not the place for you.

If you do join, move slowly. You are the new member, and while you hope the community is open to new ideas, you cannot expect them to embrace yours without learning more about you and what you have to offer. Learn to care for others, and they may learn to care for you.

One way to make yourself more at home in a new synagogue is to bring your friends with you. You will feel more comfortable and you will have a larger voice if you join a community with others.

If the synagogue you have chosen has no spiritual chavurah (fellowship group) and you would like to start one, ask the rabbi how you might go about it. Some rabbis may be threatened by this, fearing a split in the congregation. Be careful to explain simply, honestly, and clearly what it is you wish to do and how you wish to do it. Be sensitive to the rabbi’s feelings; he may feel slighted at the suggestion of not fulfilling your spiritual needs. Most rabbis, however, will jump at the chance to have a chavurah devoted to spiritual concerns develop within the community. In the long run this will make the entire congregation richer.

Not everyone wants or has the opportunity to join a synagogue. If you find yourself in this situation, seek out like-minded friends and start an informal chavurah of your own. Invite friends to meditate with you; to study Torah with you; to share Shabbat evening dinner with you; to celebrate Shabbat and holy days with you; to practice Minyan with you.

There is no magic formula for establishing a successful chavurah. There are a few guidelines, however. First, let people know you intend to do this. No one can read your mind. Talk it up among your friends. Congregation Beth Or in Miami began as a monthly chavurah. I placed an ad in the Miami Herald, inviting unaffiliated Jews to meet to discuss their spiritual needs and how we might address them together in a chavurah setting. Eighty people attended our first meeting. Twenty came back a month later to found the community formally.

Second, establish regular meetings. Start slowly. While I suggest gearing your chavurah to Shabbat observance, meeting every Shabbat may be too much at first. Begin with a once-a-month potluck Shabbat dinner. Light the candles, say the blessings over wine and challah, and eat. After dinner ask people to share their spiritual journeys or assign readings for informal discussion. Don’t forget to sing. If children are involved, make a special effort to include them in dinner and candlelighting, but provide alternative programming for them during adult discussion times. Rotate responsibility for the children.

Third, explore where the chavurah would like to go. In time, a core group will emerge that is serious about maintaining your fledgling community. Talk with members about their needs and hopes for the chavurah. Begin to explore the logistics of becoming a formal community. Do you need a leader? Do you need teachers? Do you need to rent a regular place to meet? Do you need to charge dues?

Those are some things to consider, but there is much more to establishing a successful chavurah. The people at the National Chavurah Committee⁶ are a wonderfully helpful resource for both new and established communities. Contact them for guidance.

Chevruta keeps you from becoming isolated from the larger community. It is important for you to connect with others intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. The following letter⁷ from a woman I met during a Minyan retreat last summer makes the power of chevruta quite clear.

Dear Rami,

Thank you for seven marvelous days of meditation and study. Your Minyan program is a real eye-opener. I have been a Jew all my life, but I never associated Judaism with spirituality. It was always something I did because I had to. First, to please my grandparents, and then, when they had died, to honor their memory. I’m sure my parents never took any of it seriously.

Not surprisingly my synagogue experience was pretty bleak. When I found myself, in my thirties, looking to add a spiritual component to my life, the last place I thought to look was to Judaism and the synagogue. Even attending your retreat was done with some level of skepticism; my friends dragged me with them.

After studying with you, I discovered a dimension to Judaism I never knew existed. It is one I want to practice. I did as you suggested, and sought out my local rabbi, Rabbi K., for a meeting. At first I was intimidated. What do I say to a rabbi I did not know? But he was nice and we chatted about my experiences with Judaism and other faiths.

He knew of you and your writings, and actually used some of your poems in his services. I explained about Minyan and asked if he did anything like that. He didn’t but he told me that there was a group of “new age Jews” as he called them who met at the synagogue on Saturdays before services. He invited me join them.

I have been attending the group for two months and it is wonderful. Sometimes I stay for the regular service, sometimes I don’t. But I am discovering a whole new group of friends and a whole new place to explore friendship.

I remember you saying something about the power of community to lift one out of oneself. Well, that is true in my case. I still meditate and practice on my own, but now I have a weekly place to share my experiences, my setbacks and my goals. The group is supportive and energizing. We also participate in a number of social action projects sponsored by the synagogue.

I also joined the synagogue. After all, they made the group possible and I felt I owed them something. Surprisingly I find myself attending other synagogue functions as well. You were right about finding community. Thank you for encouraging me to do so. It really makes a difference.