ASTRID WAS COLD. So cold. Charlie had her wrapped up against him, but she couldn’t stop shivering. The nurse had given her a warm blanket but it wasn’t enough. Charlie alternated rubbing his hands up and down her arms and holding her tightly against him—all the while whispering encouragement. “Camellia is strong. She’s tough.”
He was right. Camellia was vital and young and had so much to live for. She had to hold on to that. “She’ll fight for Van.”
“She’ll fight for all of you.” He smoothed the hair from her forehead.
She buried her face against him, breathing him deep into her lungs. It helped. Having him close made her feel less adrift. While the world around her pitched and turned, he was her anchor.
She rested her head against his chest and stared around the silent waiting room at the anguished faces of her loved ones. Tansy was curled up in Dane’s lap. Magnolia was pacing to and fro, while Shelby sat nearby, rocking a sleeping Bea in her arms.
Van sat apart, his elbows resting on his knees, and stared at the floor. He looked so alone.
Oh, Van. She crossed the waiting room, digging deep for strength. Camellia would want her to be strong for him, so she’d try. She sat beside the man her aunt adored and rested her hand on his back. “Van.”
He cleared his throat. “She’ll be fine, Astrid.”
They all wanted to believe that. “I know.” Maybe if they said it enough, it would be true.
“She has to be.” He shook his head, choking on his words. “She has to.”
Astrid draped her arm across his back and rested her head on his shoulder. Her heart hurt for Van—for them all. Camellia was too important. They all relied on her. Not just her sunny disposition and endless love, but her constancy. She was always there for you—a rock.
What was happening right now? Was she awake? Scared or hurting?
When the doctor emerged, they all jumped up.
“I’m Dr. Edwards. You’re Camellia Hill’s family?”
“I’m her sister. Her nieces and their significant others. And Van...her partner.” Magnolia crossed her arms over her chest, blinking rapidly. “How is she?”
“She’s stable,” he assured them, holding his hands up.
There was a collective sigh in the small space.
“From the electrocardiogram, we can determine she suffered a mild heart attack. We’ve given her a thrombolytic—which will help dissolve the clot and get the blood flowing.” He checked his watch. “I’m scheduling a coronary angiogram now. It will identify any narrowing or blockages in the arteries and give us a better idea of what’s going on. Depending on what the tests show, there is a chance we might need to fly her to Austin.”
Astrid reached up to cover Charlie’s hand on her shoulder.
“She’ll have to be sedated for the angiogram so I thought a few of you might like to see her first? She’s awake, but groggy. We need to limit it to five minutes.” He paused. “Any questions?”
“She’s safe?” Van asked. “She’s going to be okay?”
“She is out of danger. The tests will help us determine what we need to do to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”
Van nodded. “Why Austin?”
“They have more specialized equipment. But I will let you know if that’s what needs to happen. Anything else?”
“Yes.” It was hard to see their indomitable Aunt Mags so rattled. But she was. They all were. “If she doesn’t go to Austin, what then?”
“She’ll get a room. Whether she stays here or goes to Austin, she won’t be leaving for several days.” He waited.
Astrid was still processing what he’d said. A heart attack. Tests. It would be exhausting for her aunt—and scary if she had to face it all alone. “If she gets a room, can she have visitors?”
“Two at a time.” He glanced at his watch again. “I’ll show whoever is going back.”
“Go.” Charlie squeezed her shoulders. “Give her my best. I’ll be here when you get back.”
She and Tansy, Van and Magnolia followed Dr. Edwards through the emergency room doors and past several curtained-off stations.
“Remember, she’s tired. Keep it short.” Dr. Edwards pulled the curtain back.
“There you are.” Camellia’s smile was small and her voice was thick, but she was alive and breathing.
Van reached her first. “Camellia Ann, you’ve given my heart a fright.” He bent low, pressing a kiss against her forehead. “Don’t you ever do that again, you hear me?”
“I hear you.” She smiled up at him. “You sweet man.”
He caught her hand in his and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.
Mags took her place on the other side of Camellia. She pressed her hand to Camellia’s cheek but couldn’t speak. Instead, her lips trembled and she blinked rapidly, taking the handkerchief Van offered her.
Astrid and Tansy stood at the foot of the bed. Since Aunt Camellia didn’t have a free hand, they each held on to one of her feet.
“Sweet girls.” Camellia smiled. “I’m sorry to have caused such a fuss this evening.”
“No, ma’am.” Tansy shook her head. “You are not going to apologize for having a health crisis. It’s not like you planned it, Aunt Camellia.” She paused. “Did you?”
That earned a chuckle from Van and a smile from Camellia.
“It’s so good to see your smile.” Astrid gave Camellia’s toes a squeeze. “Your smile makes everything better, don’t you know?”
“That it does.” Van cradled her hand against his chest.
“My goodness, what a fuss.” Camellia’s eyelids were heavy. “I’ll be right as rain in the morning.”
“We know.” Tansy patted her foot.
“But you have to rest, Camellia.” Magnolia finally spoke. “You don’t have to be right as rain in the morning. You have to rest and heal and listen to what your doctor says. That’s what matters. You, taking care of you.”
“You’ve got a waiting room full of people that love you, Camellia Ann. It’s our turn to take care of you.” Van stooped and kissed her. “Please.”
“Miss Hill.” Dr. Edwards stepped in. “I’m going to take you for another test. Chances are you’ll doze off for a bit but I’ll make certain there’s someone waiting for you when you come back.”
“That would be lovely.” Aunt Camellia smiled.
It was hard to say goodbye. Aunt Camellia was such a force of nature. She looked small and frail in that bed. Too delicate to leave all alone.
They all showered her with hugs and kisses then. Though Van stayed behind for a moment longer. Together, they headed back to the now overflowing waiting room. Leif and Kerrielynn were there with Leif and Dane’s father, Harald Knudson. Dane’s friend Everett Taggert and his mother, Violet, were there, along with Van’s sister, Agatha, and her husband, Julian.
“How is she?” Shelby asked as soon as they came through the doors.
“She looks tired.” And then Magnolia did something Astrid had never seen her do. Magnolia burst into tears.
“Hey, hey, there, Mags.” Van hugged her, patting her back. “None of that now. You know as well as I do, once that woman’s made up her mind, there’s no stopping her. She’ll get through this.”
Mags continued to sob. “She better.”
“She will. She’ll be stronger than ever.” But his voice wasn’t all that steady.
Camellia’s fragile condition had shaken them all to the core.
Questions were coming from all over, but Astrid let Tansy and Van do the talking. Her throat was tight and her eyes were stinging. If she tried, she’d wind up sobbing like Mags. What she needed was... Charlie. She glanced around the room. He’d been at her side the whole, horrible night, but now he was gone. She drew in a wavering breath and hugged herself.
It was late. Charlie had the girls to take care of.
She’d manage just fine.
“Astrid, come sit.” Violet patted the vinyl chair beside her. “Rest a bit.”
Astrid didn’t want to sit. She needed a moment alone or she’d fall apart. Mags didn’t need that. Van didn’t need that. “I’ll be right back.” She walked down the hall, found a family bathroom, closed and locked the door, and turned on the cold water.
Someone knocked on the door but she ignored it.
She splashed cold water on her face.
The knocking continued.
“Someone’s in here.” Her throat was so tight it hurt to get the words out.
“I know.” It was Charlie.
She unlocked the door and pulled it wide. “You’re here.” She frantically wiped at the tears falling.
He nodded, a cup of coffee in each hand. “I thought someone might need this.”
He was so thoughtful. “But... What a-about the g-girls?” She tried to stop crying.
With his foot, he pushed the door closed behind him. “They’re fine.” He set the coffee cups on the counter.
The tears kept coming. “But y-you need to...to go—”
“Astrid.” He tilted her face back, a deep furrow settling between his brows as he stared down at her. “I’m where I need to be.” He spoke with such tenderness.
That did it. She stopped fighting the tears and stepped into his arms. Her world had been knocked off its axis and there was no knowing the outcome. “She’s the heart of our family. We all need her, Charlie. She can’t...she can’t...” She wasn’t going to say it out loud. “I can’t lose her.”
“I’m sorry you’re hurting.” His arms tightened. “What can I do?”
She buried her head against his chest. “This...just...don’t let go.”
CHARLIE LEFT THE hospital feeling lighter. Exhausted, but hopeful.
“I’m so relieved.” Astrid held his hand. She was smiling again. It was a tired smile, but happy.
After hours of waiting and fearing the worst, the doctor had delivered good news. Camellia’s heart showed no signs of further clots or blockages or anything else concerning. She wouldn’t be going to Austin, but she would be staying at the hospital for at least three more nights. Astrid had wanted to stay until Camellia had a room—making them the last to leave.
“I’m so glad Van and Aunt Mags can be with her.” Astrid smiled as he held the car door open for her. “Thank you.”
Once he’d started the car, he glanced her way. She’d cried so much he’d begun to worry. Her grief was so deep and endless. And he’d been helpless to ease it. They knew things were going to be okay, but she had to be exhausted. He was—but he wasn’t worried about himself. “You need some sleep.”
She nodded, yawning. “What about the girls?”
“Nicole is having a big slumber party.” He wasn’t going to think about it. They would be fine.
“Are you okay with that?” She rested her head on the seat. “If you’re worried, we can get them.”
He shook his head. After all the hell she’d been through, she was asking if he was okay. He still hadn’t accepted that she could care about him. Didn’t she see that she deserved so much better?
“I don’t mind, Charlie.”
“I’m sure they’re asleep.” He hoped they were asleep. “I’ll get them in the morning.”
“Okay.” She yawned.
He was tired, so the drive home felt longer than usual. The highways were lit up but once he turned onto the farm-to-market road, he forced himself to perk up and concentrate. It was pitch-black. No streetlights. No house lights. Just country. When they’d first arrived, it had been unnerving. Now he didn’t mind. The view of the stars overhead was like nothing he’d ever seen.
“Charlie?” Astrid’s voice was soft. “Shelby is probably already asleep and Tansy is staying with Dane and I don’t want to be alone. Could you stay with me tonight?”
He glanced her way. He didn’t want her to be alone, either. “If that’s what you want.”
She nodded.
When he parked, she was asleep. He managed to scoop her up and carry her to the house. The door was unlocked,
All of the downstairs lights were on, but the house was quiet.
Until a stampede of dogs came clicking down the wooden floor. A chorus of whimpers and whines woke Astrid.
“Are we home?” Astrid murmured, looking down. “It’s okay. She’s going to be okay.”
Charlie set her down. “Do I need to feed them? Let them out?”
“They have food.” She crouched, giving each of the six dogs a pat and scratch. “And a doggie door. But I’m sure they know something’s up. The house is never this empty.” She stood and hugged herself. “It’s too quiet.” She smiled at him.
“Is someone crying?” Charlie stared down the hall.
“Oh.” Astrid hurried down the hall. “Lord Byron.” She moved to the perch where the bird sat. His head was tucked under his wing and he was making a pitiful sound. “Hey, pretty boy. Camellia is okay.”
Lord Byron sat up. “Camellia? Camellia?” he squawked.
“She will be home soon,” she assured him.
“Does he understand?” His knowledge of birds was limited.
“I think so.” She nodded. “Don’t you? Camellia is okay, pretty boy.” She ran a hand over his head, speaking with a low, soothing tone. “It’s okay. She will be home soon.” She reached into a small basket on the counter and fed the bird. “Camellia will be home.” Astrid’s voice cracked. She glanced back at him. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be.” It hurt to see her cry but if that’s what she needed, he’d deal with it. “You can cry. It’s been a hell of a day.” He took the hand she offered him. “You need sleep.”
“You’re right.” She nodded, letting him tug her along behind him.
She led him up the stairs and down the hall. “My room.” She opened the door and pulled him inside after her. She sat on the edge of the bed and he squatted, pulling off her shoes.
“I’ll be downstairs on the couch.” He stood.
“It will be less crowded up here with me.” She yawned and patted the bed beside her.
“Less crowded?”
“The dogs will want to sleep with you. All of them.” She lay back on her pillow. “I promise, I won’t bite.” She smiled up at him.
He chuckled and went around to the other side of the bed. He unbuttoned his shirt and draped it over the chair by her vanity, followed by his slacks, and joined Astrid in the bed.
“I feel overdressed,” she murmured.
It was only then that he realized he’d undressed. “Force of habit.” He sighed. “Want me to—”
“Get in the bed, Charlie.” She waited for him to lie down beside her before covering them both with the extra quilt from the foot of her bed.
He lay flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling.
“Charlie?” She rolled onto her side, draped her arm across his waist and rested her head against his chest. “Is this okay?”
He let out a deep breath, his arm slipping beneath her to come around her waist. “Yes.” It was better than okay. He rested his cheek against the top of her head and closed his eyes. With her close, things were better.
It was wrong to need someone this way but he didn’t know how to stop it. She felt so good against him and he was so tired, he could barely keep his eyes open.
His dreams were disorienting. One minute he was back in the condo in Fort Worth and the girls were solemn-faced and ready for school. The next he was standing in Rebecca’s kitchen with Halley, Nova and Astrid chatting and laughing and waiting for him to make breakfast. Back in the condo, he was going room by room but they were all empty. No Halley. No Nova. No Astrid. The more doors he opened, the more appeared. Nothing was there. He called out for them but there was no answer. Emptiness and white walls. He was alone—running down tunnel-like halls only to find another door.
He woke up suddenly, breathing hard. Lost.
“Charlie?” Astrid glanced back at him, her eyes puffy from sleep.
He lay on his side, spooning Astrid. She was so soft. So real. “I’m sorry.” He panted, burying his nose at the base of her neck.
“Bad dream?” She hugged his arms against her stomach.
“Hmm.” He didn’t want to talk about it. This reality was better than any dream.
Her breathing evened out and she relaxed in his hold, but he couldn’t sleep. He didn’t know how long they stayed that way but he was perfectly content. Eventually, the front door opened and voices echoed up the stairs.
Nova, he recognized her laugh.
He smiled, carefully sliding his arms from around Astrid. She needed sleep. He needed to check on his girls. He left the lights off, dressing in the semi-dark and tiptoeing from the room—with his shoes in his hand.
He heard Halley say “Where is everyone?” on his way to the kitchen.
“Morning,” he said, stifling a yawn. “How was your night?”
Halley stared at him, her expression unreadable. Was she upset? Did she know about Camellia? Or was she angry with him?
“We had so much fun, Charlie.” Nova skipped around the kitchen. “We had s’mores and pizza and watched movies and ate popcorn.”
Nicole sat at the table, sipping a cup of coffee. “We watched every princess movie I own.”
“Princesses are pretty.” Ginger said this, her smile shy.
“I guess. Not as cool as dinosaurs, though.” Nova hopped up and down. “And, guess what, Charlie, my eyes didn’t rot out.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” He risked another look Halley’s way. She was angry with him. First things, first. “I appreciate last night, Nicole.” He took a deep breath. “Girls, I want to start by saying that everything will be okay. That’s the important part.”
Nova stopped hopping.
Halley sank into a chair at the kitchen table.
“Aunt Camellia is in the hospital.” He went to sit between them at the table.
“What happened?” Nova’s chin crumpled and she clutched Scorpio to her chest. “Did she fall? Did she get hurt?”
“But she’s okay?” Halley asked, staring at him. “You’re not just saying that?”
“She’s not going to die?” Nova had big, fat tears rolling down her cheeks.
It was a logical conclusion. The only time the girls had gone to the hospital was after Yasmina’s accident. They’d come home without their mother.
“She’s not going to die.” He wiped at Nova’s tears.
“Then why is she still in the hospital?” Halley was watching him closely.
“They need to keep an eye on her for a few days. When they think she’s ready, she’ll come home.” He took a deep breath. “Everyone will get to pitch in and take care of her for a while. Until she’s better.”
“Will we still be here, Charlie?” Nova sniffed. “I want to take care of her, too.”
Charlie didn’t have an answer for that.
“You’re lying.” Halley glared at him.
“I’m not.” He shook his head. “Why would you—”
“Because you’re a liar.” She slid her phone onto the table. “Benji fixed it. My phone wasn’t broken, you blocked everyone—turned everything off.” She stood and stomped out of the room.
He glanced up to see Shelby and Nicole wide-eyed. “I’ll be back.”
“You’re not lying, are you?” Nova grabbed his hand. “Aunt Camellilla isn’t dying?”
“I’m not lying.” He’d brought this on himself. “Can you stay here while I go talk to Halley?”
“How about you help me feed Bea?” Shelby asked.
“I love babies.” Ginger hurried to Bea’s high chair.
“Okay.” Nova sniffed, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. “I guess.”
“I’ll be back.” He nodded his thanks at Shelby and headed outside.
Halley was across the yard. She sat on the ground with her knees drawn up and her head down. He couldn’t tell if she was crying and he didn’t know what to say, but he sat on the ground beside her.
“I’m mad at you.” Halley’s voice shook. “I don’t want to talk to you.”
“You can be mad at me.” He plucked at the grass beside him, way outside his comfort zone. “I messed up. You should be mad at me.”
Halley didn’t move.
“I’m not good at this dad thing.” He heard her muttered “No duh,” but kept on going. “I worry about you and Nova all the time.”
“You’re not worrying about me. You hate me.” She spat the words out. “I know you do.”
Charlie was momentarily speechless. “Halley, I’ve never hated you.”
“You do.” She was so angry her face went dark red. “Ever since Mom’s crash. You can’t look at me. All I do is mess up. Because you know it was my fault.”
He was lost now. “Nothing is your fault.”
“Right.” She rolled her eyes. “Mom’s dead because of me. It’s my fault.” Tears streamed down her face, every word raw. “Team A was me and Mom. Team B was you and Nova. Remember? If I’d been there, Mom wouldn’t have had that crash. I could have stopped her or saved her... She wouldn’t be dead.” She sobbed. “But I wasn’t there. She died. And you hate me for it.”
He couldn’t breathe. “Halley.” All this time, she’d been carrying this inside of her—with no one to talk to. His heart sliced in two. “That’s not true.”
“It is,” she yelled.
He rose onto his knees and gripped her shoulders. “I’m sorry, Halley. I’m so sorry. It’s not true. If you’d been there...” His chest tightened. He couldn’t think about it. Couldn’t bear the pain that threatened to consume him. “I couldn’t... No...” His eyes were on fire. “I could have lost you both.” He cradled her face. Would he have survived that? “It wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you, Halley. I would never blame you.”
She was watching him with tears streaming down her face.
“I’m terrible at this.” He was probably butchering everything he was trying to say. “I did lie to you about the phone. I did. It was wrong.” He shook his head. “Some of the girls you were hanging around with weren’t nice. You got so caught up in social media. They made you cry and picked on you and made you feel less and that was bullshit.” He broke off. “Sorry.” He shook his head again. “I wanted to protect you. You’ve been hurt too much. You deserve better friends than that. I should have talked to you but I’m not good at talking. As you can tell.”
Halley stared at him for a long time.
“I could never hate you, Halley. I love you, very much. You are my daughter.”
She stared crying again.
“I am sorry I haven’t been here for you. I’m sorry I messed up with the phone...and pretty much everything.” He didn’t know what else he could say.
“You don’t hate me?”
Dammit. He sat and pulled her into his lap, rocking her back and forth. All this time he’d been trying to protect her—which hurt her more than he knew. “I love you. I will always love you.”
She hugged him.
Every single sob was a blow to his heart. All this pain. All these tears. He’d done this to her. He kept on rocking her. “I’m doing it all wrong. I want to be your dad.”
“You are my dad,” she murmured. “That’s why it hurt that you didn’t want me.”
“Oh, Halley.” It was his turn to cry. His father had been cruel, but Charlie had always known what his father thought of him. Charlie hadn’t said enough—he’d let his little girl read all of her fears into that silence. “Please forgive me. I promise I’ll try harder. I’ll never stop trying. We have to be honest with each other—even when it’s hard. Okay?”
She nodded against his chest.
He’d screwed this up completely. He loved Halley and he’d still hurt her. If he’d needed further confirmation that he’d never be good enough for Astrid, he had it. Instead of pulling her into his disaster of a life, he needed to focus on those that were already living it with him. Halley and Nova were all that mattered. It would hurt to let Astrid go...but he’d never had her to begin with.